My house my rules except when you're a step mum

[Dollyparton3]

Here's a corker.

Currently due to host Xmas day lunch for the in-laws and children. Adult DSD is working Xmas day (day shift)

DP asked the family for their consensus of what time they'd like me to serve lunch (I know, I'm fuming) and DSD has insisted everyone eats in the evening.

I've told DP I'll cook when it suits me and we always have lunch early afternoon.
I don't want to be cooking at 7:30 at night Xmas day and clearing up even later. MIL is now on her phone to DP telling me she'll cook nibbles all day to appease DSD.

I've told DP that DSD can have a plate of food left for her as it's her choice to work and MIl can eat when it served to her or else stay in her home. That's normal. Right?

@GCAcademic

I would tell the in laws that, as requested by them, you’re eating at 7.30 and they should all now arrive around 6.00pm.

This is a genius idea. Have a nice day with your DP a leisurely lunch and prep dinner.

I've told DP that DSD can have a plate of food left for her as it's her choice to work and MIl can eat when it served to her or else stay in her home

Why host at all with an attitude like this?

I doubt very much it is DSD's choice to work on Christmas. She's asking to eat with everyone - I completely understand that. It's nice to share the meal. A plate left in the oven doesn't have the same feelings and experience.

Maybe DSD and MIL are looking for an excuse to not come to yours for Christmas. I don't think I'd fancy moodiness on the day either.

I wouldn't cook at all. I'd go somewhere else or buy my favourite snacks and stuff and spend my Christmas in bed ready. Your husband can cook whenever it suits everyone as that's what he's concerned with.

@ivfbeenbusy

I guess you need To ask yourself if this was your DD and not a DSD would you be willing to accommodate eating later.......

But it's not. False equivalent.

I don't know how to vote because YANBU to expect to be part of the discussion about timings and it is ridiculous that you are expected to cook and clean (what is your husband planning on doing to contribute to the day?).

However I think you are a little unreasonable not to change your plans so the full family can eat together. Surely it's normal to discuss timings with guests?

Either way, sincere you weren't consulted, I'd pass cooking duty over to your husband and settle yourself down with a glass of wine.

However I think you are a little unreasonable not to change your plans so the full family can eat together. Surely it's normal to discuss timings with guests?

But SD wasn't due to be a guest this year. Perhaps if she had been expected OP wouldn't have invited others to join the day?

If I knew that a family member was working until 7pm so we would need to eat after that time, I absolutely wouldn't invite others over. Because I wouldn't want to have to host people all day and then start cooking dinner when I should be winding down and enjoying the evening.

My mum sometimes used to work Christmas and didn't get home until 9pm. Because of that we just did our Christmas dinner the following day when she wasn't working. She would never have expected us to wait until she was home and have Christmas dinner in the evening.

Yanbu to be angry about being assigned for washing up duty and cooking. You're also not unreasonable to be annoyed that you weren't asked before the vote. It's outrageous that the people who didn't cook aren't tidying too (especially your h - what a cf)

Yabu to insist that an evening meal is unreasonable. I think you should invite people to come round at 6 for dinner at 7:30. Mil and your h aren't unreasonable to prefer waiting for dsd.

If it were me and I was working I'd tell the family to crack on, do what suits them and save me a plate
Of course you wouldn't mind at all! Even if it's true for you, most would mind. It's not nice to work Xmas day so to feel that you are not worthy of changing dinner time in addition is a double blow.

I don't know any parent who wouldn't accommodate accordingly. If it is such an issue for you to do the cooking at that time, which is fair enough, oy do what can be prepared earlier and tell your OH to deal with the rest.

*She would never have expected us to wait until she was home and have Christmas dinner in the evening"
But you also didn't go ahead and had it earlier in the day without your mum which is what OP is suggesting.

As a teenager/young adult I would work Xmas day shifts, there wasn’t a chance everyone would wait for me, neither would I have expected them too. I’d just eat when I got home and join in from where everyone else was.

If this was my DD I’d be the same, especially if it was a lot later than we’d normally do it. For me it wouldn’t be a huge issue though as we tend to do Christmas dinner rather than lunch and eat around 5/6.

It’s your house, your doing the hard work, then you make the rules, it’s that simple. If DH & MIL want to wait so much then tell them they can cook and do all the cleaning up too.

@dontdisturbmenow

If it were me and I was working I'd tell the family to crack on, do what suits them and save me a plate Of course you wouldn't mind at all! Even if it's true for you, most would mind. It's not nice to work Xmas day so to feel that you are not worthy of changing dinner time in addition is a double blow.

I don't know any parent who wouldn't accommodate accordingly. If it is such an issue for you to do the cooking at that time, which is fair enough, oy do what can be prepared earlier and tell your OH to deal with the rest.

But DSD was due to be at her mums this year. She’s decided she wants Christmas dinner at her dad & step-mums.

Has her mum refused to accommodate Christmas at dinner at 7pm?

I don't think anyone has pointed this out yet, but OP you are breaching the 3 households rule. Three households are allowed to form a bubble. One of those cannot then be part of another bubble. Think of the whole country as a series of venn diagrams. There can only be up to 3 households in each circle, and the circles must not overlap.

Your solution - get covid secure so SD must stay at her mother's this Christmas.

@dontdisturbmenow

*She would never have expected us to wait until she was home and have Christmas dinner in the evening" But you also didn't go ahead and had it earlier in the day without your mum which is what OP is suggesting.

No we didn't but only as it was just me, my dad and my sister at home.

If we had had others attending and then my mum announced that she'd be working after they'd already been invited, we wouldn't have reorganised the whole schedule.

And in this case nobody had even factored SD into the day as she is due to be at her mum's. Surely as an adult she could have let the day go ahead as planned and then joined in properly with whoever she is with on Boxing Day?

If DSD was due to be at yours and didn't have a choice on her shifts then I'd say YABU, but everyone should be pitching in.

But she was due to be at her mums and it's been decided that she's going to go to OP's house, then dictate the timings of the day around shifts she's chosen, and OP's partner and in laws seem to think the OP is some sort of christmas maid who is there to cook and clean for them all. YANBU.

If you could genuinely switch off and leave them to it then I'd be tempted to tell DP that as he has made plans, he is hosting and he can arrange christmas day, do all the cooking and all cleaning up after.

Christmas day arrangements in our family generally go:
Host: would you like to come for christmas dinner at ours this year / it's our turn to host this year, does that work?
Guests: that would be lovely. What time would you like us to arrive and can we bring anything to help?

Everyone arrives, pitches in, helps clean up after. Nobody is the family servant.

Mumsnet by parents for parents, as long as you're not the stepmother!! All step children must be accommodated in every unreasonable request on here. @Dollyparton3 you've had some really shitty posts directed at you, essentially as a stepmother you must always put your stepchild first. The poster talking about you throwing a moodie obviously has serious problems and is projecting their own issues. She also was fucking praised for the mean and harsh post.
I say, tell your husband and his mother to piss off. You'll be cooking the meal when it suits you.

My family always had Christmas dinner at around 7 in the evening and really enjoyed it. My dad cooked, my brother and I helped and everyone cleared up afterwards. My brother and I did a lot of clearing up along the way so there wasn’t much after dinner.

We al really enjoyed it.

Sorry OP, I would wait for your DSD as well so I think YABU.

I bet if it were your own daughter you would delay the meal. I used to work shifts at Xmas and my family would work meals around it. That's what you do, it's Christmas.

TBH, it sounds like you don't like your in laws and resent having to cater for them. In that case, why don't you tell your DH that you can't be arsed and he can crack on with the cooking with your MIL to help?

Yabu you should cook lunch when the family is there

I don't get these responses!

If this was OP's MIL (or brother, sister...literally anybody else) who had unexpectedly changed her plans and decided to attend OP's for Christmas after being expected elsewhere, but then also goes "Oh by the way, I'm working until 7 so can we eat after that? Thanks" everyone would say it was totally out of line.

This is an adult we're talking about here, not a 15-year-old doing a shift in a pub.

If this was OP's MIL (or brother, sister...literally anybody else) who had unexpectedly changed her plans and decided to attend OP's for Christmas after being expected elsewhere, but then also goes "Oh by the way, I'm working until 7 so can we eat after that? Thanks" everyone would say it was totally out of line.
You're right.
If a MIL said 'I'm normally at your sibling's house this year, but I'm inviting myself to yours. Your wife can prep, cook and clean up after me and I expect her to do this all around my plans so Christmas dinner on the table at 7pm' then the thread would be full of justifiable rage.

I think there are 2 issues here, if it was me I wouldn't mind having Christmas dinner at say 7.30, with the proviso someone else does the clearing up.
But on the other hand being the only person not asked about what works for them, but expected to shop, cook and clean for everyone else would have me raging. A firm conversation to be had I think

I’d sack off Christmas dinner entirely.

Have an easy lunch, then lots of ready-to-heat canapés with champagne at 7.30. And definitely invite guests for 7.00pm

Dress this up as a wonderful way to accommodate SD, and if your husband and MIL don’t like it, they can cook

We would always have dinner for whenever everyone can be in the house together, assuming there is a point that they will be. If that's impossible then yeah, we would plate one up for someone, but it sounds like eating later would allow you all to be together. Can't you do the prep and plating up when you'd normally do it, get all the washing up out of the way (bar the plates you're eating from) and then just heat the dinners up later?

Also, if you've cooked, you absolutely shouldn't be washing up or tidying - so you're off the hook there!

7.30 is too late to cook dinner, but you could all sit round the table and eat leftovers, nibbles whilst she has her Xmas dinner. It's less about what you're eating and more about being together.

[quote Dollyparton3]@Beamur thanks. Yep I will be the bad guy. I've had a shocker of a year and actually was looking forward to a few days off work and just tinkering about prepping. Cooking decorating etc. Just taking my mind off things you know?

So yes I'm feeling very peeved at this turning political but having no say. Or even being consulted. Suddenly it's not a nice day any more[/quote]
You're blowing this right out of proprtion. Twice my DD has had to work Christmas Day. It was no problem. No way would I have her sitting eating a reheated plate of dinner after the rest of us.

If anything, I found making dinner in the evening more relaxed.

And yes, when it's over, EVERYONE should be mucking in to help clear up. And you can make that clear when/if you agree to consider everyone in the family.
(And no, making the DD eat alone to consider your preference to eat earlier, isn't the same)