My house my rules except when you're a step mum

[Dollyparton3]

Here's a corker.

Currently due to host Xmas day lunch for the in-laws and children. Adult DSD is working Xmas day (day shift)

DP asked the family for their consensus of what time they'd like me to serve lunch (I know, I'm fuming) and DSD has insisted everyone eats in the evening.

I've told DP I'll cook when it suits me and we always have lunch early afternoon.
I don't want to be cooking at 7:30 at night Xmas day and clearing up even later. MIL is now on her phone to DP telling me she'll cook nibbles all day to appease DSD.

I've told DP that DSD can have a plate of food left for her as it's her choice to work and MIl can eat when it served to her or else stay in her home. That's normal. Right?

But no we have a 20 year old yet again orchestrating the whole family and I'm sat at the back waiting for the opportunity to have an opinion.

So there’s a backstory behind the “yet again”. Sounds like there’s a lot of build up resentment there. Possibly on both sides, possibly only on one. Very likely how your OH acts is a big part of it. Possibly larger than the role either you or your DSD play in it.

I think you need to get that dynamic straightened out as best you can. Or it will just be poisonous. And by that I don’t mean hammering it out or trying to smash your DSD into submission. Really step back, look at the situation and try to sort it out over time, including by examining your own attitude. But don’t make Xmas the battleground.

I’m not sure how normal your reaction is to be honest. I would probably move things around to accommodate my child regardless of age. So I can see why your husband was keen to do that.

@Oldbutstillgotit

Who is Dolly ? < misses point>

OP has chosen nickname DollyParton3 @Oldbutstillgotit.

Oprah recently asked Dolly “”So what’s it like to be a unifier in such divided times?” down to Dolly’s famous wisdom and insight into the matters of the heart, as chronicled in her substantial cannon of work.

I'm torn, I can see both sides, for me the answer is if DP and mil want to eat at 7.30 they they can do all the cooking, or if you prefer to do the cooking then tell them in no uncertain terms, they do the cleaning and washing up after.

If DSD won't be there until 7 I don't get why MIL is wanting to cook nibbles in the day

I honestly think we'd always choose to delay the dinner until everyone could join in - even if that meant eating late and then everyone pitching in to get things cooked/ready and cleaned up.

However, it does sound like there is backstory here and that needs sorting. I just wouldn't choose Christmas day as the tool to do that.

OP, I have a solution for you. Tell your DH you've developed a severe back pain, you can't possible stand in the kitchen for hours. Let him and MIL do all the cooking whenever it is convenient for them.
Get yourself enough high quality delicious snacks to last you until 8pm when they want to serve Xmas Dinner

OP if you put for foot down are you likely to hear ‘I’ll have a little something now then eat a proper plate when DSD gets home?’

If so you might end up even more resentful.

You should have been consulted but seeing as you weren’t, I’d be leaving the cooking to DH and IL’s. Which would probably still cause resentment to be fair especially if they mess dinner up.

I don’t see the big deal with eating Christmas dinner in the evening. For the past 8 years I’ve been hosting my family for Christmas and we have a light brunch at midday followed by lunch at 5pm because my brother’s DD from his first marriage spend the first part of the day with him and then go to their mother’s family where the tradition is to have the main meal in the evening. After a couple of years of the kids feeling as stuffed as the turkey, we just rearranged our Christmas to make it more pleasant for everyone.

I agree with other posters who say let DH and his family do the cooking. If they want to dictate on dinner then they can bloody well cook it too.

Why are you fuming that your partner asked what suited people? To be so rigid with your ideas and routines you alienate people.

You don’t take a poll to decide when you’re offering hospitality if you’re the host. You set a date and time then invite others. The usual response is ‘could I bring something to help?’ Sometimes it’s in can’t make it then but could I come by later, and what can I bring?’

At no point should it be ‘I can only do it at this time so everyone will have to wait until then.’ Seriously.

OP, is she working Christmas Day by choice? You haven’t said.

Also, how old are the other children on the family?

Finally, I don’t see how having your mother in law cook bubbles throughout the day will appease DSD at all. Could you explain that?

Please don’t do any clearing or washing up if you cook, late or not. Really. Sit back with a glass of something nice and relax.

Bubbles = nibbles

I guess the nibbles are to stop everyone else from starving all day.

Ah, I see about the nibbles now, yes.

I guess you need To ask yourself if this was your DD and not a DSD would you be willing to accommodate eating later.......

You sound quite mean tbh. What’s the point in a family Christmas dinner if you want to eat without a member of the family being there. She’ll already be missing out on Xmas day being at work and now you want to exclude her from the main meal! Adult or not it’s horrible to be excluded. Her father and grandparents wants to eat with their child/grandchild. Sounds like MIL is willing to pitch in, rope in DH too and you’re set.

The person cooking gets to decide! I'm so happy I'm divorcing my ex and his over entitled adult babies !

@FurloughOrNo

You sound quite mean tbh. What’s the point in a family Christmas dinner if you want to eat without a member of the family being there. She’ll already be missing out on Xmas day being at work and now you want to exclude her from the main meal! Adult or not it’s horrible to be excluded. Her father and grandparents wants to eat with their child/grandchild. Sounds like MIL is willing to pitch in, rope in DH too and you’re set.

But she chose to be at work and it's not even OP's turn to have her for Christmas, she's meant to be at her mums this year.

I don't get the angst. Have you never had an evening meal before? I would 100% wait until the evening. Have a nice chilled day, a light lunch and champagne and then dinner at 7pm. Use disposables as much as possible to avoid loads of washing up and rope everyone in to help you.

If it were me and I was working I'd tell the family to crack on, do what suits them and save me a plate.

I completely agree with this and don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If you are working you have to accept that the day goes ahead as normal without you and then you join in when you get home.

Christmas dinner is usually a huge meal so does anyone really want it at after 7pm? It also means you will have to sort something for lunch as well.

Not to mention it sounds like you're hosting other people too so what do you do for the whole day if there's no centrepiece of the dinner?

AND SD wasn't even due to be with you this Christmas so I don't think it's fair at all that her plans dictate the day for everybody else.

"Why are you fuming that your partner asked what suited people? To be so rigid with your ideas and routines you alienate people" mostly because he asked everyone except for me what works for them. As another poster said, he's thrown out the offer for me to be chief cook and bottle washer and assuming I'll fall into line on the day and cater to everyone else's needs.

I'm not the household maid I'm his wife and partner and think it only fair that I'm asked first.

@FurloughOrNo

You sound quite mean tbh. What’s the point in a family Christmas dinner if you want to eat without a member of the family being there. She’ll already be missing out on Xmas day being at work and now you want to exclude her from the main meal! Adult or not it’s horrible to be excluded. Her father and grandparents wants to eat with their child/grandchild. Sounds like MIL is willing to pitch in, rope in DH too and you’re set.

But how come she isn't putting her mum out and making her change her day round? Considering that's where she was expecting to attend this year.

Agreed OP, if your husband hadn't asked everyone you wouldn't be in this situation.

"But how come she isn't putting her mum out and making her change her day round? Considering that's where she was expecting to attend this year"

I have said similar. It's easier to put the step mum on the spot though and I suspect this conversation might have already taken place in their house already and been rebuffed

Just as PP said tell them to arrive at 6pm and have lunch at normal time. Your DH can then cook another roast.