My house my rules except when you're a step mum

[Dollyparton3]

Here's a corker.

Currently due to host Xmas day lunch for the in-laws and children. Adult DSD is working Xmas day (day shift)

DP asked the family for their consensus of what time they'd like me to serve lunch (I know, I'm fuming) and DSD has insisted everyone eats in the evening.

I've told DP I'll cook when it suits me and we always have lunch early afternoon.
I don't want to be cooking at 7:30 at night Xmas day and clearing up even later. MIL is now on her phone to DP telling me she'll cook nibbles all day to appease DSD.

I've told DP that DSD can have a plate of food left for her as it's her choice to work and MIl can eat when it served to her or else stay in her home. That's normal. Right?

If we had had others attending and then my mum announced that she'd be working after they'd already been invited, we wouldn't have reorganised the whole schedule
I think some posters are missing the point that everyone else is happy to eat later, it's only OP who seem to have an issue with it.

Her being a step daughter makes no difference.

If someone has to work Xmas day then you bet I would do my utmost to arrange it so they could eat Christmas Dinner with the rest of the family.

thanks @Bibidy and @LolaSmiles this isnt a 5 year old who will be left out deliberately on xmas day, it's an adult .

I dont know the situation in her mum's household but I do know that they are entrenched in tradition and very inflexible so the likelihood is that there is no potential for movement there. I suspect that there is a choice that's been made to come here and ask us to adapt our plans .

I'm going to bet that if I hadnt posted this in the stepparenting forum but in the parents of adults forum the responses would have been balanced differently

It depends what normally happens. In our family I always cook and we always have lunch. In our circumstances DSD would be unreasonable to expect a complete change to what usually happens. But I also think your DH is being unreasonable to ask others what they’re happy with, your household, you cooking, decision with you before consulting others.

The kindest thing would be to cook for the evening, but making it clear that the meal will be served at an arranged time and you won’t be hanging on if she’s delayed. Alternatively cook at lunchtime and she gets fresh veggies etc cooked for her in the evening, but you risk splitting the celebration and it feeling a little flat.

It doesn't matter if everyone else is happy with it - the person who gets lumbered with the cooking and clearing up isn't happy! That's what counts.
I'd do dinner when I wanted to or tell 'd'h to crack on and do it himself.

@Phoenix21

I guess the nibbles are to stop everyone else from starving all day.

Doh! Thank you. I wasn’t thinking in that way—I was thinking ‘how in the world can DSD appreciate nibbles when she isn’t there?’

Honestly, COVID Christmas brain fog. The suffering is real. Ha.

But you do have say. You have a mouth - use it and voice your opinion and dislike of the situation and see what happens. Its sad DSD own mum (you assume) won't flex around her own daughter and its even sadder that you're having a tantrum over the timing of Christmas Dinner instead of making your SD feel wanted.

Also, Christmas is bloody knackering for parents mothers. This isn't even OP's DD or her turn to have DSD - it's OP's Christmas too. If she's not inclined to do loads of work on Christmas Day, she shouldn't be guilted into it!

@dontdisturbmenow

If we had had others attending and then my mum announced that she'd be working after they'd already been invited, we wouldn't have reorganised the whole schedule I think some posters are missing the point that everyone else is happy to eat later, it's only OP who seem to have an issue with it.

Yeah, she has an issue because she's the one supposed to spend all afternoon preparing it and then all evening/into the night cleaning up after it!

I daresay that if they'd all been invited to the grandparents' who had then said, "Oh we won't be eating till 7.30 because of SD" the OP would simply be planning a sizeable festive breakfast to tide her and the family over.

But that isn't what's happening. She's being treated like staff. It's a "What time shall we book the table for?" exchange and the kitchen (OP) hasn't even been consulted.

I'd be raging. And seriously contemplating going on strike/buggering off to my own parents.

Have to say that the usual step parent bashing is in full flow again.
The OP is being guilt tripped by all concerned here. The adult child for whatever reason, has decided to break tradition and have Christmas at her Dad's house. But then everyone, apart from the OP is making plans on how to accommodate this. The OP who is being expected to make and host the meal btw, is the person being given the least amount of support or consideration. Where is the respect for her?

Too late for me personally I always do Xmas dinner for about 1ish.. she was due to go to her mum's, instead she's going to yours after work in the evening, it is what it is, her mum could always do her something as she was meant to be there anyway.

surely one eats more than 1 meal on xmas day?

So main meal at normal time.

Then light meal at 7/8pm? SD has her plate of full meal, everyone else has leftovers/cheese and crackers. Have crackers then/wear the hats.

Will your dh cook?

I'm going to bet that if I hadnt posted this in the stepparenting forum but in the parents of adults forum the responses would have been balanced differently

I think if anything, you'd have got a much harder time. Who wouldn't move the timing of Christmas dinner for their own working offspring? I've moved both time and day in the past for my nurse daughter. And the rest of the family were equally happy to adapt for their sibling/sibling-in-law

YABU and giving step mother a bad name. Ask yourself honestly what you would do if it was your husband or your own child working.

I agree with some PPs it has nothing to do with her being a SD - I would think it's unreasonable if it was OPs DD although I get the impression that the fact she is a SD is why she is being graters differently

Mil can make the nibbles for dsd arriving. She can heat up her plated dinner if she wishes.

I have many dc. If 1 was going to be late I would not be risking a riot suggesting we eat Xmas Dinner at 7.30 pm!!

Given the fact dsd has chosen this arrangement is a middle finger up to you and your lunch imo op..

Surely you won’t genuinely be expected to cook everything AND serve drinks,clear up etc? If so, this is partly your own fault for doing this in the past. I wouldn’t even consider agreeing to this! And then if DH decided to dictate what I cooked and when?!? You really need to just tell him they can eat whenever they want but if they want you to cook it you will be serving it at lunchtime so you can have some chill out time in the evening.

This makes me realise how lucky I am!
My family are having Christmas on a different day because I am working! (Fwiw I did say to go ahead without me but they kindly said it was about family and wouldn’t be the same).

What does she do for a job that she gets to choose whether she works or not?

Urgh your DH reminds me of how my DH used to be.
You need to go ballistic and then leave it for him to sort. Either he cooks (and cleans) everything or he apologises and tells them they will be eating at x time and a plate will be kept for DSD.

Could you have an early lunch, keep a plate for DSD and then she can have that while everyone else has a light snack? So everyone is eating at the same time?

Its a shame you can't just leave them to it and head to a friends or other family members for the day.

@Dollyparton3 - haven't read full thread as I could see you were being piled on!
YARBU. I can't get my head around the fact that she's not asking her mum to accommodate her on her year but is expecting you to do on on the year that isn't even your dp's!!!
I'd tell both of them - your dp & dss to F**k right off! I'm fuming for you & also fuming at the responses you're getting.
If the family want dinner to revolve around dsd not inconveniencing her dm then your dp or your mil should host.
End of.

And to be honest if I were you I'd be strongly tempted to down tools and go elsewhere for my Christmas.

As a person who works Christmas Day every other year (I work in healthcare) I would never ask people to delay their Christmas dinner for me!
The last Christmas I worked I finished late, picked up my dinner from my Mams and took it home!
If I work an early shift which finished 14:30-15:00 I tell them to have their starters etc and I'll join them for dinner ASAP!
This year I'm nightshift so I'll arrange my sleep around their dinner! My dad was a police man and he used to do this often!
In this instance she is being unreasonable, have nibbles on the night time and she can eat her dinner then x

YABU. 7 isn't that late, have the main xmas meal as the evening meal.

I wouldn't leave my own child out of Christmas dinner and I wouldn't expect my OH to. I wouldn't want to leave my step child out either. Can you make a lunch and leave DP and MiL to do the big evening meal.