My house my rules except when you're a step mum

[Dollyparton3]

Here's a corker.

Currently due to host Xmas day lunch for the in-laws and children. Adult DSD is working Xmas day (day shift)

DP asked the family for their consensus of what time they'd like me to serve lunch (I know, I'm fuming) and DSD has insisted everyone eats in the evening.

I've told DP I'll cook when it suits me and we always have lunch early afternoon.
I don't want to be cooking at 7:30 at night Xmas day and clearing up even later. MIL is now on her phone to DP telling me she'll cook nibbles all day to appease DSD.

I've told DP that DSD can have a plate of food left for her as it's her choice to work and MIl can eat when it served to her or else stay in her home. That's normal. Right?

@Viviennemary

Just cancel it because you obviously aren't in the mood for guests. I wouldn't accept a re-heated dinner. Yuck. No point. Might as well have cheese on toast at home.

If you invite yourself over to someone’s house and expect to be hosted and fed you eat what the fuck you’re offered or stay away. Not complicated.

@VivienneMary You wouldn't "accept" a reheated dinner? 😂 What would you do if someone tried to serve you one?

I’m hosting Christmas dinner this year and I’m super excited about it, as usually it’s at my parents’ house every year. I love Christmas- the decorations, the food etc and went all out this year to make the house Christmassy. My 25-year-old brother hasn’t yet let everyone know whether he will be able to make it to my house on Christmas eve or on Christmas day. I don’t get upset about it and I am happy to have a family Christmas dinner when my brother is able to make it and when the whole family can be together because that’s what Christmas for me is all about. Go make Christmas super stressful and sweat the small stuff is just plain unreasonable and not what Christmas is about

To make*

@XelaM Good for you, but it's not up to you (or OPs partner, MIL or step daughter) to decide whether OP loves Christmas, cooking late, or hosting for her DPs side of the family. Lots of people don't.

Frankly, given that all these people now know she isn't keen on cooking later but are still pushing for it, it's astounding they haven't already offered to cook themselves. After all, as the people on this thread will attest, making Chriatmas Dinner is no biggie and they shouldn't sweat the small stuff!

XelaM - That's easy to say when it's clearly a novelty for you. Come back in 15 years time when it's become established that it's your job to cook for and clean up after everyone, according to whatever schedule they dictate. I bet you won't be so enthusiastic about Christmas then.

With all the additional information it's clear OP isn't being unreasonable. Nothing to do with 'first wives club' FFS.

I worked Christmases and my family would move Christmas around. Because they wanted me there. It's just nice if you like the people around you.

@XelaM "Presumably you knew your partner had children before you got with him, so it’s not unreasonable at all to expect from you to treat them like family. You’re not some kind of martyr for hosting Christmas one year"

Firstly I call Mumsnet bingo on the stepmums board for that comment.

Yes I did know that he had kids what I didn't know was that 8 years down the line my MIl would undermine my husband's parenting at every opportunity and take the side of the SD with every single unreasonable request after a year of her quite frankly being an entitled little madam to everyone.

I presumed that in joining the family I'd be treated with a little bit of courtesy and I also assumed that I was joining a relatively considerate family who treat every family member with respect. I don't expect that mothers would accept the treatment I've been expected to take in a family so why should I?

I apologise if anyone thinks I've drip fed on the late mention of SD only working to 3, I didn't work that out until I googled her workplace yesterday afternoon to see what their opening hours were. In the meantime the SD was still not committing to a time but insisting she needed until 7.

Yes it is just a fancy roast. I do a roast every Sunday with my eyes half shut. I normally cook a roast for 4 people, no starter, no dessert. It normally takes me half an hour maybe of involvement whilst ducking in and out of the kitchen while it cooks.

But this is not just a roast. This is 3 or maybe more shopping trips to get the right bits and bob's. it's decorating the table, canapés in the morning,making starters, it's doing relatively fancier than normal veg + bread sauce + home made gravy + Yorkshire puddings. It's then pudding. Then later on cheese and biscuits and turkey sandwiches. I take no shame in wanting to go the extra mile on that, and I'm not a sodding martyr to it. I just want people to not insist on when it happens when they're invited as a guest.

Anyway, problem solved as of 11:30 this morning. We've been bumped to Tier 3 so SD will be furloughed again on Xmas day. The irony of not asking the question 24 hours later eh?

It will be interesting to see if now she's not working Christmas day, if DSD will go for lunch at her mothers house after all...

I’m a nurse and have worked many Xmas days, I don’t expect everyone else to hold off on having dinner to suit me.

I’m the outlier and my dinner is just as tasty when I get home from work, and a lot of the time others end up coming back to the table with me to eat their second helpings, Turkey sandwich, or pudding they couldn’t manage earlier.

Please update when you have been informed what HRH is doing!!

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper I will. Surely now we're back to plan a. Mum cooks HRH Xmas lunch and if she wants to visit ours in the evening she's welcome to.

However now the MIL may not be visiting either after all (tier 3 as of today, why would you risk it) so I might just be able to sneak out of all duties for the year. I call that stepmum vs in laws karma in my favour

That's made me happier than it should have OP (SM solidarity ) hope that's exactly what ends up happening and you get to put your feet up

Thanks @Weirdfan, me too!

The comments on how step mums are expected to lay down and be trodden on for the sake of their precious step kids are unique only to Mumsnet. If a mum was posting about their own child it would be a whole different ball game. I almost can't read most of the posts, how unfair you are to the 'poor' child. It makes me so angry.

I see that Princess SD is now not working, it will be interesting to see what she decides to do and I expect you'll be the last to know.

Being a step parent is without doubt the hardest and most unrewarding thing I've ever done in my life. It has shattered my MH into a million tiny pieces. Yes I knew he had kids, but if I'd known a fraction of how hard it would be I'd have billy big stepped out of it very early.

I wish you every luck, I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Just read some of the comments. No need to be judgmental to the one who has posted - we do not know her circumstances at all; we do not know the background, we do not know if it is a theme that she feels taken advantage of, or that it's a theme her views are not taken serioulsy, or that she is just expected to tow the line etc. We literally know nothing about it, so to make a judgement on her by the one tiny aspect of her life that she is sharing is literally, impossible. Definitely in my new year's resolution to try and much as possible to refrain from doing it, for sure! (So difficult when British media is literally all about making extreme judgements of people for the tiniest of actions without any full context).

I think rather than saying, 'Yeah, just wait for DSD' etc, the better question would be, for what reason do you not want to wait? Young kids? Can you not eat late for some reason (some people have medical conditions where eating close to bed is really unpleasant for them)? Will - in your opinion - DSD not be grateful for your gesture and probably ignore you all night anyway or take her plate and sit in front of the TV so the whole endeavour is pointless anyway? Do you feel you've done a lot for your husband's family, including DSD and your MIL and feel unappreciated etc? Or do you simply feel that on one night of the year, when you are cooking and inviting people to your home to share a meal with you, you should be able to plan and decide everything as you compromise on everything else?

Identifying what exactly is bugging you in the situation can help towards taking another view - if needed - and deciding from an objective place which is far less emotive and thus less painful for you, and far more logical. It may lead to the same conclusion - eating at lunch, or gaining the space may change your opinion and you feel like 7pm is ok.

Just don't be upset by others. Thoughts are only our own and what we react to is literally our thoughts making stories about intentions and motives of others which may or may not be true. But what is true is that it is only our thoughts - not the thoughts/opinions/ideas of others - that can make us upset; our thoughts about a situation.

Figure out what is really bugging you here; what's really at play. By doing that and gaining perspective and space your inner wisdom will guide you on what to do.

Good luck with it all and have an awesome Xmas everyone!

Always helpful to RTFT @IsabellaAd

Will save you time asking questions that have already been answered.

@xelam you are just hilarious with your ridiculousness and thank you my step parent bingo card is now full

It’s your Christmas Day too. They’re all out of line if they’re expecting you to cook for a time that suits one more adult. The only reason this is such an issue is because it’s a blessed SC! You’re not there to be everyone’s cook and bottle-washer. Let the DH do it.

In your situation OP I would cook Christmas dinner at a time that suits me. Plate her up a dinner and maybe MIL can serve up some other hot nibbles in the evening. I wouldn’t want to serve up Christmas dinner that late. By that time you should be relaxing with a glass or two.

I’m a SM and also a SC. I have had to work many a Christmas Day over the years and not once have I expected others to put the day on hold for me. I have just joined in when I got there. It’s part of being an adult. If you make an exception and give in this time, they’ll expect you to do it again and again.

Not read the full thread yet but some of the responses on here have me shaking my head.

I work shifts and I would never expect anyone to cook Christmas dinner around me. Some years they have delayed it until 3 or 4 but not 7.

I suspect the step daughter is going to yours as she is working this year and next year she can have a proper Xmas with her mum.

I'm just watching the Royle Family first Christmas special, and thought of you OP when Nana says 'I can't believe they're having their Christmas dinner at night! It'll lay heavy on them, won't it?'

Just after that, Barbara asks them all what they thought of the turkey, they're all dismissive, she says she doesn't think they'll get one next year and then they all protest... The lesson is, don't be Barbara! Definitely put your feet up OP

Thank you ladies, and @Butterymuffin I remember that scene! That made me chuckle. Happy Christmas to you when you get to it!

@AnneLovesGilbert

Always helpful to RTFT *@IsabellaAd*

Will save you time asking questions that have already been answered.

Wrote it before, computer didn't send on time. By the time it sent, things had already been answered and Xmas cancelled. Doesn't actually mean that my contribution was pointless. Does mean yours was either :p. Have a nice weekend x @AnneLovesGilbert

OMG absolutely fab result OP! Good for you, I'd cheers you if I could x