A reasonable request?

[Preggersandtired]

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby early next year. He has 2 children aged 13 & 11. Would I be justified in expecting us to have at least say a week or so of just the 3 of us before the kids came over? I just think I'm going to be so tired and probably overwhelmed etc, so would be nice to have a little time to adjust ... Just wondered if this seems like a fair ask?

I think yabu to not have them, or your own daughter there.

@Hercwasonaroll

Would you send them away if they were your kids? I thought not.

They should also meet the baby first.

If they were her kids she wouldn't be a first time mum, however as a first time mum who is likely to need time to settle into it she is perfectly entitled to make the above request

Yes of course the children need to "visit". I mean visitors aside from them surely none or very few.

How long are you sending your dd away for?

OP IS NOT A FIRST TIME MUM!!

@Hercwasonaroll

I'm shocked you're sending your daughter away if she normally lives with you FT. This is a very odd set up.

Why is it odd? Newborns are hard and the daughter will have a nice time with her dad.

Why do you use the words " sending away" - is it just to make it sound worse than it actually is?

Op I think it's a reasonable request. At the ages they are they'll likely be bored of the baby after 5 minutes anyway and it's never the amazing bonding experience mn sells it as. Dss was completely uninterested when ds was a newborn and fed up because all dads attention wasn't on him. As ds got older and started talking etc they really bonded so don't worry that they won't.

@RandomMess

I would let all the siblings visit a few times over that week for an hour or so.

Will both Ex's be supportive of changing arrangements?

Your step DC are old enough to have explained to them that you were very unwell after you had your DD so you're planning on them coming for a few hours on x y z instead then contact will go back to EOW.

Be honest with them!

Yes both other parents would support it. I have a good relationship with my daughter's dad and partners ex is alright, and if we explained on sure she would be ok. They are definitely old enough to understand about me being unwell. Maybe not understanding the ins and outs of post natal depression though. But we could explain in a way that makes sense to them.

Because there is no way my kids would have gone and stayed elsewhere when a new baby came home, aside from the time I was in hospital. They need to meet the baby and be included in the family.

@Hercwasonaroll

Because there is no way my kids would have gone and stayed elsewhere when a new baby came home, aside from the time I was in hospital. They need to meet the baby and be included in the family.

Remember, what works for your family doesn't necessarily work for everyone else's.

If you have another child after this one, will this child go to your parents for a week so you can settle with the new baby?

Quite funny how immediately everyone lived up to @Hannab's prediction 😂

If it is EOW normally OP I don't see why this needs to be a big drama, they are used to going a couple of weeks anyway. If you are lucky it may even fall on such a date where they aren't due for a week. A short, non overnight visit to meet the baby seems a good idea, but I wouldn't go so far as to say they MUST be the first to meet them (I find this insistence a bit strange) and it's certainly not something you or DP should be stressing about in the immediate aftermath. Maybe grandparents could bring them over?

You have to bear in mind that the matter could be taken entirely out of your hands and that's really not the evil thing people on MN make it out to be. If you have an ECS or similar complications you will just be doing what you can and things will have to be adjusted. My SS didn't meet DD for a few weeks, not much that could have been done about that given that all three of us had an extended hospital stay and we have no family near by that could have helped with SS.

You’re in danger of making your current children feel pushed out of this “new family” by sending them away when your new baby areives

@SendHelp30

If you have another child after this one, will this child go to your parents for a week so you can settle with the new baby?

This is what I was thinking.

Are you sure it isn't that you want to pretend for a while it's your first go and there aren't all there other children.
I suppose if no ones upset no harm in living in a fantasy land for a few days, albeit one with very little sleep.

@SendHelp30

If you have another child after this one, will this child go to your parents for a week so you can settle with the new baby?

I definitely won't be having any more!

I suppose if no ones upset no harm in living in a fantasy land for a few days, albeit one with very little sleep

I'm assuming you haven't read the full thread and aren't just saying that to be massively offensive?

In response to pretending I'm in a fantasy land, not all all. I'm scared for my daughter to see me as unwell as I was after I had her. I was almost sectioned :(

@preggersandtired

In response to pretending I'm in a fantasy land, not all all. I'm scared for my daughter to see me as unwell as I was after I had her. I was almost sectioned :(

In that case you don't need anyone to tell you what you should do.

Best of luck for your post partum time after baby is born.

Are you getting some decent mental health support this time, what support have you got for post birth.

Remember this time you may not be unwell! This time you can ask for help as soon as your mood starts slipping.

History doesn't need to repeat itself.

What do you think would help most this time around?

@aSofaNearYou

Quite funny how immediately everyone lived up to *@Hannab*'s prediction 😂

If it is EOW normally OP I don't see why this needs to be a big drama, they are used to going a couple of weeks anyway. If you are lucky it may even fall on such a date where they aren't due for a week. A short, non overnight visit to meet the baby seems a good idea, but I wouldn't go so far as to say they MUST be the first to meet them (I find this insistence a bit strange) and it's certainly not something you or DP should be stressing about in the immediate aftermath. Maybe grandparents could bring them over?

You have to bear in mind that the matter could be taken entirely out of your hands and that's really not the evil thing people on MN make it out to be. If you have an ECS or similar complications you will just be doing what you can and things will have to be adjusted. My SS didn't meet DD for a few weeks, not much that could have been done about that given that all three of us had an extended hospital stay and we have no family near by that could have helped with SS.

You're right it might happen when they aren't due to be with us for a week anyway, I'm just obviously not sure when it's going to happen. But thank you for your understanding.

@preggersandtired your welcome OP, that way they meet the baby and everybody is happy! Also you might not even have to say it, if the baby is born after their last visit to their dad your might have 12 days until their next ‘EOW’ visit anyway! So they popping over to meet the baby will feel like a fun little treat for them all! Don’t stress and try not to worry before the event

You need to get MH support lined up then. Avoiding the fact you have 3 other children won't mean you avoid PND. It can come on at any point, not just the first week post partum.

Your husband's kids are part of the immediate family and the household - how weird to think of asking them to stay away for a week

@Hercwasonaroll

You need to get MH support lined up then. Avoiding the fact you have 3 other children won't mean you avoid PND. It can come on at any point, not just the first week post partum.

How is op avoiding the fact she has three other children?

I mean, she doesn't have 3 other children she has 1.

OP and her dp have 3 other children between them. Ignoring those children won't help. Keeping them away for a week just creates a false bubble. What happens once they're allowed home?

@RandomMess

Are you getting some decent mental health support this time, what support have you got for post birth.

Remember this time you may not be unwell! This time you can ask for help as soon as your mood starts slipping.

History doesn't need to repeat itself.

What do you think would help most this time around?

Yes I have been in contact with the perinatal mental health team and I have a consultant looking after me too. But it was after the birth when I struggled most last time, managed ok really when I was pregnant.

@Hercwasonaroll

OP and her dp have 3 other children between them. Ignoring those children won't help. Keeping them away for a week just creates a false bubble. What happens once they're allowed home?

It's just for the immediate time afterwards because that's when I felt the most vulnerable last time and was almost sectioned like I've said. It's not about ignoring them but I really am scared about how unwell I was and it's not good for any child to be around that.