A reasonable request?

[Preggersandtired]

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby early next year. He has 2 children aged 13 & 11. Would I be justified in expecting us to have at least say a week or so of just the 3 of us before the kids came over? I just think I'm going to be so tired and probably overwhelmed etc, so would be nice to have a little time to adjust ... Just wondered if this seems like a fair ask?

@BoulangerieBabs
I can't see your original comment as it got deleted so I'm going to assume it was unhelpful and unpleasant, so I won't be paying much attention to whatever it was.

Maybe you should read further back where I've mentioned my struggles with post natal depression and tell me if you still think I'm a "slob" who is only concerned with "breastfeeding" and "too selfish" to have kids with a man who already has them?

Some people!

@TrustTheGeneGenie
Thank you for your constant support on here! This site needs more people like you :)

[quote preggersandtired]@TrustTheGeneGenie
Thank you for your constant support on here! This site needs more people like you :) [/quote]
You're welcome. I've been in your shoes and it's hard. I started a thread about this board being a horribly unsupportive place at times so alongside that I am trying to be supportive but also call out the horrible unhelpful posters to try and make them think twice about what they are posting and why they are posting.

You are doing a good job, thank you.
I really don't understand how people can be so awful. You'd think I was saying I want to ban my partner's kids from the house forever or something! Seems really OTT people's reactions ...

I agree with you OP..

When I had all three of mine the previous toddler/s stayed with GPS for between 4 - 6 days. Having a new baby is hard work. Make it as easy on yourself as you can

The 'it's their home too' narrative is just touchy freely bollox . Unless your dsc live with you at least 50/50. Kids who VISIT 4 days a month are just that. Visitors. Much loved, very welcome visitors.

Go for it OP . Enjoy some me time with your new baby and DH. No one (kids) will remember- let alone care . The reason for the 'no it's unreasonable line' has much more to do with mothers of step children wanting to spoil your happiness than actual care about the kids .

Also agree that the stepparent board seems to be haunted by angry ex wives instead of a support to women trying to negotiate that tricky place of being a step mother.

No one (kids) will remember- let alone care . The reason for the 'no it's unreasonable line' has much more to do with mothers of step children wanting to spoil your happiness than actual care about the kids

A 13 year old will remember how he/she felt when their new sibling arrived. It might be problematic, it might not. Much depends on how it’s handled and the sensibilities of the young people concerned.

Is it really beyond your inderstanding that whilst children may say all the right things when with their dad, they may come home and say something totally different to mum? The suggestion a mum doesn’t care about her kids because she has tried to support them is reprehensible. Damned if we don’t, damned if we do. Only step mums can be good parents, apparently

Is it really beyond your inderstanding that whilst children may say all the right things when with their dad, they may come home and say something totally different to mum?

What are we supposed to do with that though? We can only work with what the children say to us, and rely on them being open and honest with us, or failing that relying on their mum to tell us how they truly feel (she isn't reliable and has lied/exaggerated about things in the past). In the absence of either of those things, all DP can do is talk to them and trust that their response is an accurate reflection of how they feel. We can't do much more than that!

As it happens I'm sure the children in this case will be OK because of what I already know of them. And DP will handle it sensitively and we will have them visit for an hour or so in the first few days, then give ourselves time to settle with baby. It's the best all round solution for everyone.

The 'it's their home too' narrative is just touchy freely bollox . Unless your dsc live with you at least 50/50. Kids who VISIT 4 days a month are just that. Visitors. Much loved, very welcome visitors.

No they don't live with us 50/50, just every other weekend.

Damned if we don’t, damned if we do. Only step mums can be good parents, apparently

Are you actually having a laugh? Ohhhh poor mum's. Fuck me. You come here to have a go and now you want sympathy as a mother? No. Just no.

Damned if we don’t, damned if we do. Only step mums can be good parents, apparently

Hahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahhhhhhahahahhhahahhahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahhhhahahahahahahahhahhahaaahhahaahahhhahahahahahahahahhhahhahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahah
Are you okay???? 🤣🤣🤣

The suggestion a mum doesn’t care about her kids because she has tried to support them is reprehensible. Damned if we don’t, damned if we do. Only step mums can be good parents, apparently

What a weird thing to say. How on Earth does "damned if we don't, damned if we do" apply to mothers? Are you that desperate to bring the attention back to yourself?

I don’t see how it’s “beyond the understanding” of a 13 year old that sometimes other people’s needs are more important than theirs. Having a baby being one of those times where you say “it’s not about me” and actually in the immediate aftermath of birth it’s not even about the Dad either IMHO.

@Mommabear20

So you won't have any visitors whatsoever for a week?

What's so shocking about this? Id have happily not seen another soul for at least a week.

And again, I think it really does need pointing out that there are scenarios where biological children and step children are different. It absolutely does happen where biological children of both the dad and mum are 'sent away' to grandparents or whatever, there have been many examples on this thread, myself included.

But in the case of step children, this isn't even happening. They aren't being sent anywhere, they aren't going to somewhere they usually aren't, they are just staying with their own mother, in their own home, in their own rooms, with their own things for a little longer than usual. It's really not that huge of a deal.

And I'm sorry but if your 13 year old is so unable to grasp that they don't always come first and, whilst being disappointed yes, is unable to understand that, then it's your job to explain it to them as a parent that it's important to consider other people's needs as well as our own sometimes. It's not children's strong suit I know but it doesn't mean that we as parents should not continue to try and teach them these things.

Id be sitting my 13yr old down and explaining that sometimes people can be quite poorly when they have had a baby and we need to let people who are poorly rest until they feel better. I'd tell them I understood that they were eager to see their sibling and it's okay to be disappointed but that they will see them soon and for now we need to be patient and let their SM get better first.

And if there is a visit in between then it's even better, because they've still got to meet their new sibling, they just aren't staying over so what's the problem.

Also agree with PP, what is it all these posters think the DSC are going to get out of staying with OP and their Dad for a week so soon after a newborn? It's not going to be very fun or like normal I'm sure. Far more 'normal' to stay with their mum for a week in their usual routine until things have settled at the other house.

OMG - Will people just leave this poor woman alone. What is wrong with you people????

@allpreggersandtired I sincerely hope you're ignoring all these absurd things posted. I really can't believe this is still going on.... You're going to be fine and you're doing the right thing. There's really nothing you need to worry about except for you and your little baby. I hope you'll come back and let us know how you get on :-)

@Youseethethingis @NewHomeJitters

Thank you for your input. Yes I agree that the 13 year old will understand perfectly well, his Dad is really good at explaining stuff like that so he'll be ok. The 11 year old can be harder work, and we anticipate a bit of drama about not being "daddy's baby" anymore, but she is still old enough to get it I think. It's only a week or so.

@Pinkyxx don't worry I'm just ignoring the comments now that are having a go at me. I've got enough on my plate! Thank you for your kind words :)

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Hmm I wonder of I could send my 2 kids away for a couple of weeks when I come home from the hospital with this third one.

Hmm. How old are they? How cute? How well behaved?

Aunty Witches would definitely consider having them come & stay....

@preggersandtired

In response to pretending I'm in a fantasy land, not all all. I'm scared for my daughter to see me as unwell as I was after I had her. I was almost sectioned :(

@Preggersandtired

This really should have been your opening post!

As you have written your name slightly differently when changing back to this one, you're no longer showing up as the OP & people will miss your posts.

I think you should abandon this thread as you're just going to get more of a pasting that you really don't need right now!!

With how bad you were with FD & your MH issues, I think you need to do whatever YOU need! The 3 kids will be just fine!

Hopefully this birth/recovery will be much easier on you.

Look after yourself 🌷& allow anyone offering to help, to do so!!

No, the kids should be allowed to meet their sibling straight away (unless medical reasons preclude) but perhaps just for a couple of hours. Ideally if you are on decent terms with ex she can bring them over.

@movingonup20

No, the kids should be allowed to meet their sibling straight away (unless medical reasons preclude) but perhaps just for a couple of hours. Ideally if you are on decent terms with ex she can bring them over.

I've already explained my reasons and I think postnatal depression counts as medical.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Yes I already acknowledged that i should have mentioned postnatal depression earlier, I just didn't want to sound dramatic or tell my life story so I said it as overwhelmed instead. I didn't realIse the stick i would get to be honest! Thanks for your post :)

@movingonup20 DPs ex doesn't bring them anywhere, my DP has to do all the pick ups and drop offs, so that wouldn't happen.

OP don't listen to any detractors, it's totally reasonable for you to want some space after having a baby.

@Bibidy thank you. I agree after taking on board all the comments I think I'm definitely not being unreasonable. We will send photos of baby straight away too, so they are still involved.

@movingonup20

No, the kids should be allowed to meet their sibling straight away (unless medical reasons preclude) but perhaps just for a couple of hours. Ideally if you are on decent terms with ex she can bring them over.

Why ? What is it about sc that they can't be expected to put someone else's health and welfare above their own. ? Why do sc require this pandering to their every need. ?

I have 4 dsc (and 3 dc) at NO point would ANY of them DEMAND or EXPECT anything of a woman who had just given birth. ! They have all been bought up with a little less selfishness than that. They would wait until invited . !

... and yes . With each subsequent child my own went to GPS for a week to give me time to get sorted with the new one. To my knowledge no one is in therapy about it. !

OP as a mother you can do exactly as you please. If you want to be alone, have your kids there, your sc there or the whole fucking street in your bedroom when you get home - the ONLY one with the right to make that call is you. Personally I didn't want anyone but new baby, DH and me..so shipped my older ones off.. by the time they returned I was up and around, feeling good, had baby in a routine and ready for toddlers excitement AND baby. Each to their own. !

Personally I didn't want anyone but new baby, DH and me.
If I get unwell again this will be how I will feel too. I understand this completely.