A reasonable request?

[Preggersandtired]

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby early next year. He has 2 children aged 13 & 11. Would I be justified in expecting us to have at least say a week or so of just the 3 of us before the kids came over? I just think I'm going to be so tired and probably overwhelmed etc, so would be nice to have a little time to adjust ... Just wondered if this seems like a fair ask?

Understand your reasons for wanting some space, but don’t you think there’s a risk that all three older children will feel pushed out?

Would it work to arrange some short visits, a couple hours two or three times in that week and then go back to the normal pattern after.

I think if you keep them away completely you risk them getting upset, especially as they’re at a bit of an awkward age.

Ah cross posted with @LyingDogsLie1

Yes to the person who just commented, I've already said I think a few hours just to meet baby initially might be a good idea and then they can have their usual time with us when things settle. Thanks for all your advice :)

@MotherExtraordinaire

Only if that week you'd not have had the children at your house.

I think though that it should also be important for the new siblings to see the new baby.

I don't know when I'm going to go into labour so it's hard to say if they'll be due with us or not that week.

@preggersandtired I understand, as you get nearer your getting more anxious etc. Small little problems become a mountain. Keep a notebook for all your thoughts, sometimes getting the thoughts out your head and down onto paper can release abit of tension. I have endless lists because I feel like it clears my head when I feel like it could explode. if I’m struggling to sleep I get my notebook out and jot away and it does help clear my mind before bed.

Also I’ve had two different anxiety counsellors and they both suggested the same technique and it is ‘updating your worries with reality’ for example ‘ god today is going to be a nightmare with all the kids here and the baby and what if they make mess and are
Too noisy and the baby won’t sleep’ then after the day happens update what you were worried about, ‘ oh actually the baby slept fine, the kids played nicely, they had nice cuddles with the baby and overall the day went well” it can be about anything at all. Eventually the idea is reminding your brain that the things you worry about are not the end of the world and often our worst fear doesn’t actually happen and generally
Life is fine and normal. Obviously PND is a different ball game I’m not trying to advise on that as it’s not something I have experienced, my tips are just for general anxiety over everything Xx

And the thing is a 11 and 13 year old do not need looking after as such. The OP wishes that it was just the three of them period. Unfortunately you chose the wrong DP

It's perfectly ok, OP. Ignore the stepmother haters.

[quote Sassysally12]@preggersandtired I understand, as you get nearer your getting more anxious etc. Small little problems become a mountain. Keep a notebook for all your thoughts, sometimes getting the thoughts out your head and down onto paper can release abit of tension. I have endless lists because I feel like it clears my head when I feel like it could explode. if I’m struggling to sleep I get my notebook out and jot away and it does help clear my mind before bed.

Also I’ve had two different anxiety counsellors and they both suggested the same technique and it is ‘updating your worries with reality’ for example ‘ god today is going to be a nightmare with all the kids here and the baby and what if they make mess and are
Too noisy and the baby won’t sleep’ then after the day happens update what you were worried about, ‘ oh actually the baby slept fine, the kids played nicely, they had nice cuddles with the baby and overall the day went well” it can be about anything at all. Eventually the idea is reminding your brain that the things you worry about are not the end of the world and often our worst fear doesn’t actually happen and generally
Life is fine and normal. Obviously PND is a different ball game I’m not trying to advise on that as it’s not something I have experienced, my tips are just for general anxiety over everything Xx[/quote]
Thank you these are such useful tips. I will definitely give it a try :)

@chopc

And the thing is a 11 and 13 year old do not need looking after as such. The OP wishes that it was just the three of them period. Unfortunately you chose the wrong DP

Well actually the youngest can be quite demanding and difficult at times. But that's not the point. I was saying I'm worried about my mental health and I don't think having them around would be the best thing when I'm feeling overwhelmed etc.

@Pinkyxx

YANBU = you are not being unreasonable.

I also think YANBU. My DD stayed away from her Dad's when step mum had a baby. Most natural thing to agree to in my mind. Do what you need to do, this is about you and the baby! If you struggled last time, it is wise to plan to give yourself space. Just be open with the children, and see how you feel. It's difficult to predict right now and the last thing you need is to be putting pressure on yourself. The suggestion of short visits, where you can stay upstairs if needed is a good compromise but children can be surprisingly empathic if you give them the chance.

Also, I come from a big family and have lots of siblings. Each time Mum had a baby, we all went to grandparents for a few days so Mum could recover. I think we might have popped in to meet the new baby when Mum was in hospital - but I honestly can't remember. What I do remember is getting honey sandwiches from Gran for tea which was a huge treat for us

Thank you. Your story shows it doesn't always have a bad effect on the children. :)

@chopc

And the thing is a 11 and 13 year old do not need looking after as such. The OP wishes that it was just the three of them period. Unfortunately you chose the wrong DP

You have no idea what the op wishes, please do not pretend that you do.

@preggersandtired

I promise you it didn't. I'm now also remembering Mum had to bed rest at the end of her pregnancy with her 4th (blood pressure!), many people across the family helped with school runs / dinners etc.. Again I was so untraumatized, I'd forgotten about it!

It's really important to not accept any sense of guilt for your own needs so please do ignore unsupportive posts. Now is the time to look after yourself and remember that in a family different parties needs take priority at different times - this time it's you who needs to be prioritized. This doesn't make anyone else any less 'important' - it's just how caring families work. Please do also remember that just because it happened once doesn't mean it will again. You also know what to look for and can 'catch' yourself & seek support.

@Pinkyxx
Thank you that makes me feel a lot better. I tried to ignore the other posts but it does make me feel a bit guilty, especially when some people were saying I was sending them away including my own daughter. It makes me sounds like a horrible person. Which I'm really not, I'm just trying to make sure I can stay well this time.

What really pisses me off is how pregnancy and childbirth are so casually dismissed as minor events because it’s “natural” and “most women go through it”. What a lot of nonsense.
Of everyone I know who has given birth (who I know well enough to know how it went down) I’m hard pushed to think of anyone who had a text book time of it.
My own mum was seriously ill after having my brother so I was taken care of by a rota of grandparents and auntie for several months.
When I was pregnant with DS2 I developed a pregnancy related liver condition which killed my baby and caused multiple organ failure. I nearly died.
Others I know have had serious PND, emergency surgery, serious birth injuries, post parting infections, mastitis, and that’s before I even move on to the premature babies who needed hospital stays and all the rest of it.
It is a big deal. OPs history means she is worried and understandably cautious about what to do with all the older children at that time. They all need to recognise that this isn’t about them, this is about a mother and new baby. They are old enough to understand this.

Is perfectly fine to what some time alone with the new baby.

When my sister was born I stayed at my grandparents for a few days, I had a great time I still remember it now and I was only 4.

It’s the normal day to day life that will make an impact on them feeling like they belong not a one off occasion.

[quote preggersandtired]@Pinkyxx
Thank you that makes me feel a lot better. I tried to ignore the other posts but it does make me feel a bit guilty, especially when some people were saying I was sending them away including my own daughter. It makes me sounds like a horrible person. Which I'm really not, I'm just trying to make sure I can stay well this time. [/quote]
You’re not horrible, my son went to stay at my parents for a few days after I had my second.

My husband decided to have my step daughter over for an extra stay when I was 3 days post birth, the exact day your milk comes in and the baby blues set in. I was a nervous wreck i couldn’t stop crying and I became paranoid that someone was trying to break into the house. I could even hear imaginary people walking around upstairs. Luckily I knew what was going on, and I was fine after a few days but it really would have been better for my SD if my husband had have waited till her next contact weekend. I can’t imagine it was the must fun visit she’s had

Please do what's right for you, it is totally reasonable to have a few days/a week to recuperate after your birth, especially as they will be in their other familiar family home being well looked after. There shouldn't be any guilt here! Would you be made to feel guilty if you were kept in hospital? No? So why any different if you're at home. Besides a quick cuddle I'm pretty sure they'd just be getting on with their own normal routine even if they were with you xxx

Back in the real world most people would realise that you and your baby are the priority when you've just given birth. Only on MN do stepchildren come so much higher in any hierarchy or pecking order that they are still somehow the most important people in any given situation. Regardless of who else's needs have to suffer as a result...

When my DD was born I think my DH missed 2 days of contact time (he has them 2-3 nights a week) so it meant we had around a week to settle in and recover. Both DD and I had to stay in hospital for a few extra days and needed the time to recover before we had any visitors. MN will tell you that stepchildren aren't visitors etc but the point I am making is they would have been extra people in the house to entertain and care for when actually they have another parent who could fulfil that role more easily for a few days.

My stepchildren have a great bond with DD a few years down the line and aren't psychologically scarred because they missed a few nights.

Back in the real world, plenty of parents do this. I was looked after for a while by grandparents when my sibling was born, they took me to their caravan for a week I remember . I don't know how I ever got over the trauma of being 'sent away'...

It's fine. I agree maybe arrange a meeting when you're feeling up to it so they can get that over with, they'll likely be excited for that. But no, I don't think there is anything wrong with changing contact for a week to allow you to rest and prioritise your MH.

But then I don't subscribe to the view that children come first in absolutely every single scenario ever. Imo, mum's MH and general physical health trump's kids excitement to meet a sibling in this case but that's just me.

I'm so glad the tide turned with this thread and the typical.stepmum haters have been put in their place.

All this 'if they were your kids' bollocks. OP I am pregnant and have been hospitalised with hyperemesis gravidarum 3 times, when I was discharged last time with strong advice to rest, I started a thread as DH's ex wife was due to go to Disney florida on her own (which had obviously been cancelled) yet she STILL was saying we were to have the kids for 3 weeks, even with me in and out of hospital and her literally being at home doing nothing. I got the same thing. If they were yours you'd have to deal.with it.

Well they're not. Which these posters are usually the first people to point out in every other situation.
They have a perfectly capable other parent, where yours wouldn't. Plus you can ship yours off to grandparents/friends/your family. I'm so fucking sick of seeing it. YANBU at all. We will be doing the same thing, they can visit but I have categorically said there will be no overnight or long stays (we have 40/50)
Our babies are already expected to sacrifice so much and the step kids are prioritised above them in nearly every other way, asking for one or even two weeks to put your baby first is not unreasonable and you know birth mums (GASP! Did she just say birth mums???!!!) are encouraged to do this all the time with pride.

One again the stepmum is expeceted to put herself 5th, 6th, 7th in line.
So sick of this fucking forum, I don't know why I'm on it anymore. Imagine if the mental health or conception boards were infiltrated on the daily by people who have no experience with either and, worse, are actively hostile to both. It wouldn't be allowed by MNHQ and quite rightly.

Have 7 days to recuperate and have them visit for a while in the evening, as other PP's have suggested, ust like people in the real world do all the time.

Congratulations

Literally no one I know of ships their children off to grandparents or other family aside from the time mum is actually in hospital. Even then, if its an extended stay, the children come home until mum is out with baby.

Our babies are already expected to sacrifice so much and the step kids are prioritised above them in nearly every other way

WTF does this even mean? How do your babies sacrifice anything? You chose to have a child with someone who already has kids.

I find it amusing when people say ‘oh but if they were your children, would you send them away?’ That’s part of the bloody point.
They’re not your children. This then means a few things- they don’t get sent some to some camp, they just stay with their other primary caregiver. They are still in their home. Also, in my case having my own children around is easier. I have more control over how things are run and their expectations are different. In our case my DSS’s are with us part time, and that time (quite rightly) becomes quality-time. It’s not a problem except that having a lot of dedicated time is their expectation and they are much harder to manage when focus and attention are elsewhere. That’s clearly not
Ideal but is often the reality of when one parent has less than 50/50.
In our case, when we had our baby they came for a short visit where the newborn came them gifts he had chosen and then we swapped weekends so we got a fortnight on our own. The kids were happy, safe and with their mother. I wasn’t concerned.
What With covid, I’m not sure what I’d do if I was having a baby now.

Our babies are already expected to sacrifice so much and the step kids are prioritised above them in nearly every other way
A quick trip through this board would tell you. If it comes to it the resident child shouldn’t have their own room, shouldn’t have too much fun with dad if siblings aren’t there, can’t expect their mother to be able to put them first, everything their mother provides them must be shared with children who aren’t hers, mustn’t expect to have anything be about them at the weekend because that’s when dad had his older kids and they must always have what they want because they are so special and so traumatised that their parents split up, not allowed a holiday unless parents can afford all 4 kids in August (even though the other three might have 2 foreign holidays a year with mum) and on and on and on.
But their parents are together so they’re supposed to be cool with all of this.

^^ don’t forget grandparents shouldn’t take them on days out if it’s not step children’s contact time. Life should be on hold during non contact yime.