A reasonable request?

[Preggersandtired]

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby early next year. He has 2 children aged 13 & 11. Would I be justified in expecting us to have at least say a week or so of just the 3 of us before the kids came over? I just think I'm going to be so tired and probably overwhelmed etc, so would be nice to have a little time to adjust ... Just wondered if this seems like a fair ask?

[quote Sassysally12]@preggersandtired your welcome OP, that way they meet the baby and everybody is happy! Also you might not even have to say it, if the baby is born after their last visit to their dad your might have 12 days until their next ‘EOW’ visit anyway! So they popping over to meet the baby will feel like a fun little treat for them all! Don’t stress and try not to worry before the event [/quote]
Thank you, I'm trying to relax about it but feels like it's getting really close now so my worry has just gone up :(

@Hercwasonaroll

OP and her dp have 3 other children between them. Ignoring those children won't help. Keeping them away for a week just creates a false bubble. What happens once they're allowed home?

Ignoring them? Or them simply spending a week with their other parent - why do you frame this negatively?

I don't think it's necessarily wrong. My partner and I are expecting our first together shortly and he has two children from a previous relationship who we have 50% of their time. Their Mom asked me if I'd like her to have them for a bit longer when the baby arrives. We've all decided that we will just leave the pattern as is (other than on arrival day or 2 ) and then we will work together to move things around if needed. For example if I'm in hospital longer or birth difficult.
I'm keen for the children to bond with their new sibling so would like to avoid them feeling pushed out and want them here as much as is possible - that said they are quite a big younger than your kids so that might make a difference.
As long as you all talk it through and the kids are included I don't think it matters too much - other than at their age they may well be very helpful to have around ! X good luck and enjoy

I would say have a fortnight on your own, but let the older children have a glimpse of your baby who will be their sibling. They will appreciate that. Maybe a half an hour visit if that is feasible. Then the three of you 'hole up' for a couple of weeks.

Congratulations and good luck.

@jessstan1

I would say have a fortnight on your own, but let the older children have a glimpse of your baby who will be their sibling. They will appreciate that. Maybe a half an hour visit if that is feasible. Then the three of you 'hole up' for a couple of weeks.

Congratulations and good luck.

Thank you, I think this is a good suggestion, someone else said this too. Maybe an hour or 2 where they can see baby then we can have some time to adjust.

Spending a week with another parent while a new sibling is joining the family. It needs framing negatively because it is a negative thing to do and will create negative feelings in the children. Believe me having been that child.

@Hercwasonaroll

Spending a week with another parent while a new sibling is joining the family. It needs framing negatively because it is a negative thing to do and will create negative feelings in the children. Believe me having been that child.

Ah right, please don't project. I'm sorry your experience was bad but it doesn't mean it will go the same way for these children.

@tigertreats

I don't think it's necessarily wrong. My partner and I are expecting our first together shortly and he has two children from a previous relationship who we have 50% of their time. Their Mom asked me if I'd like her to have them for a bit longer when the baby arrives. We've all decided that we will just leave the pattern as is (other than on arrival day or 2 ) and then we will work together to move things around if needed. For example if I'm in hospital longer or birth difficult. I'm keen for the children to bond with their new sibling so would like to avoid them feeling pushed out and want them here as much as is possible - that said they are quite a big younger than your kids so that might make a difference. As long as you all talk it through and the kids are included I don't think it matters too much - other than at their age they may well be very helpful to have around ! X good luck and enjoy

Thank you! Getting more nervous now as it gets closer! Very excited too though. Just hope I don't get as unwell this time as it was so scary to go through that

If you were very unwell last time, it makes sense to prioritise your mental health and it’s good that you are getting help from perinatal mental health team. It sounds like you need to consider all the children’s needs as sensitively as you can, by discussing the plans with them and with their other parents. Perhaps short visits for the children, but explaining to them before the birth that if you are unwell they might have to wait , so that you have flexibility. Maybe think about some different scenarios just in case - eg they visit dad and baby, with you staying upstairs if you can’t face it. Or a zoom visit. Hopefully dad can go out to meet his kids even if you’re not up to them visiting. Good luck OP, hope you’ll stay well.

Perhaps it just needs to be a discussion.

If I get ill again then you many not be able to come on your planned EOW but hopefully it won't happen.

🤷🏽‍♀️

It

YANBU

@roarfeckingroarr

YANBU

Sorry what does this mean?

@BoulangerieBabs

No that's not a fair ask.

It's your first baby, not his. He still has the same responsibilities to his older children after you've given birth that he had before.

Christ I'd hate to be those kids being told they can't come and see their dad and new sibling.

Having a baby was a choice you made with a man that already had children.

This.

@RandomMess

Perhaps it just needs to be a discussion.

If I get ill again then you many not be able to come on your planned EOW but hopefully it won't happen.

🤷🏽‍♀️

Good idea thank you. I'm just overthinking it I think :(

I'm shocked you would be sending your own daughter away for a few days what kind of message does that send. After you and your husband this babies closest relatives are their siblings and should meet them ASAP IMO.

If it was me I would have all the siblings come to meet the baby either in hospital or the evening you get home from hospital and then have them stay with their other parents for a few days and see how you feel then. You may feel fine and happy to have them back or you may need more time. Take it a day at a time. In the meantime make sure you’re dealing properly with any anxiety you’re having about becoming ill after the birth.

@wizzbangfizz

I'm shocked you would be sending your own daughter away for a few days what kind of message does that send. After you and your husband this babies closest relatives are their siblings and should meet them ASAP IMO.

She doesn't see it as being sent away, she goes to her dads regularly and loves it there. I just wouldn't want her to witness me being unwell if it happens because it was scary last time

@wizzbangfizz

I'm shocked you would be sending your own daughter away for a few days what kind of message does that send. After you and your husband this babies closest relatives are their siblings and should meet them ASAP IMO.

The message that mummy might be potentially suddenly very unwell and doesn't want her daughter to see her like that? A v sensible message, in my mind.

You can only look after your children if you look after yourself first.

When I was nine I was staying in my aunt's house with my cousins when my younger sibling was born.
I was brought home the next day so I could see the baby.
I was raging! I'd been having a great time with my cousins and now I was back at boring home with a boring baby!
So don't overthink the older children feeling pushed out. They probably won't be that bothered until the new baby is old enough to be funny.
Good luck and hopefully this time your MH stays stable.

In my opinion you risk alienating them at a time and age where this is a big possibility anyway. You need to let them feel involved and not shoved out the way.

YANBU = you are not being unreasonable.

I also think YANBU. My DD stayed away from her Dad's when step mum had a baby. Most natural thing to agree to in my mind. Do what you need to do, this is about you and the baby! If you struggled last time, it is wise to plan to give yourself space. Just be open with the children, and see how you feel. It's difficult to predict right now and the last thing you need is to be putting pressure on yourself. The suggestion of short visits, where you can stay upstairs if needed is a good compromise but children can be surprisingly empathic if you give them the chance.

Also, I come from a big family and have lots of siblings. Each time Mum had a baby, we all went to grandparents for a few days so Mum could recover. I think we might have popped in to meet the new baby when Mum was in hospital - but I honestly can't remember. What I do remember is getting honey sandwiches from Gran for tea which was a huge treat for us

Yes all a lot of women do have babies when they have older children to care for but those women have their OWN older children to care for (not someone else's) and they've been through it all before and know what to expect, this is OPs first child, she can't commit to looking after someone else's kids in the first week.

Only if that week you'd not have had the children at your house.

I think though that it should also be important for the new siblings to see the new baby.

OP - I did. DH picked his son up almost every evening and everyone spent an hour together but she skipped our overnights for that week. The baby would have woken SS up and he wouldn’t have slept for school. This happens now, but there’s less excitement etc.

We returned the favour when his Mum had a baby.

Nobody is damaged (although MN will no doubt put words into my post and find a way to conclude my SS is now broken).