A reasonable request?

[Preggersandtired]

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby early next year. He has 2 children aged 13 & 11. Would I be justified in expecting us to have at least say a week or so of just the 3 of us before the kids came over? I just think I'm going to be so tired and probably overwhelmed etc, so would be nice to have a little time to adjust ... Just wondered if this seems like a fair ask?

Bold fail. That was to @Hercwasonaroll

Thank you @Youseethethingis

@Hercwasonaroll hope that's enough for you

I’m so sorry you had a difficult time first time round. That must feel quite daunting given what you went through. I actually don’t feel it is unreasonable to plan childcare for a week if that is what you think you may need but equally I would be open minded that A - fingers crossed it would be ok or much better this time round :) and B - if things do feel a bit tough that potentially it may be a nice distraction to have the kids around and to meet the new baby (depending on how you feel). If all parties are supportive and are aware then this might help. I felt terrible after my first was born (birth trauma started things for me and I was really anxious and struggled to sleep. I worried about having my second but actually I got lucky and I felt fine :) my third I had a tricky birth again and ended up struggling with anxiety for a couple of weeks but was then ok (with some counselling from a psychotherapist - this is what helped me in my personal circumstances). For me, I found it better to have my kids around and welcomed the distraction because it brought me some comfort and I had less time to sit and worry but I absoloutely no this isn’t the case for everyone. I hope that everyone around you is being supportive and that things go well for you and the children also feel involved and excited about having a new sibling x

I'd say go for it OP the priority is you and baby after giving birth. The step children are old enough to understand.

I think it's a good idea to let them visit for an hour or so like you are thinking but make sure you get the time to concentrate on you for the first week.

I'm pregnant with my second now and I was that exhausted when I had my first that my DD will be going to my mums for at least the first few days to help both of us recover. My DP also has a daughter and it will be the same for her too if it happens to fall on her contact time.

I would see no harm in asking, i found it incredibly hard to have an excited, recently turned 4 year old around the house after i'd got out of hospital and was trying to establish breastfeeding. But on the other hand it was so so lovely to see her face light up meeting her sister.

I wonder if people have missed that the children are 11&13. The are generally at an age where they can understand that the op might not be well after the birth and she had a few problems last time.

They are also old enough to be completely freaked out by the problems she may face if they witness it first hand, but not mature enough to cope.

It would be good for everyone if they could be brought to the hospital for an hour along with your child, get a sibling photo perhaps, be the first people told about the birth along with your dd etc.

I think it would be far better to prepare the children for what might happen, then if things are going well their dad can always come and get them for an hour. It's a week the op is asking for, for health reasons. She isn't asking for them to fuck off so it can just be her 'new ickle fwamily' for a month!

Literally no one I know of ships their children off to grandparents or other family aside from the time mum is actually in hospital. Even then, if its an extended stay, the children come home until mum is out with baby

Everyone stop sharing your experiences, because literally no one Herc knows has 'shipped' children off when mum had a baby so it obviously never happens and you are lying.

Again, in the real world I went off and stayed with GPs for a few days as did ours. No one so far has required any form of counselling to get over the trauma.

Also, children staying with their parent, in their home, where they spend a lot of time anyway is not 'shipping off'. They are at home, not at some camp or a random neighbours house. You don't have to agree with it but let's stop with the negative language 'sent away', 'shipped off'. No one is going away or off anywhere, they are just staying at home, with their parent for a little longer than usual. Won't someone call the police faints

I think that explaining to them that you felt very unwell with your last child so it might be a good plan to come and stay overnight the week after, but that you would love for them to come and meet the baby for a couple of hours when it is tiny is the best way to go.
NT secondary school children are perfectly capable of understanding that, don't listen to the catastrophisers.

I'm just making the point that it isn't common to have a week by yourself unless it is a first child.

Blended families are tricky to navigate. Why make relationships even more difficult by making children feel left out. At 11&13 they are old enough to grasp that a new baby has come and they aren't allowed to visit.

A visit but not overnight sounds like a decent compromise.

Nicely backtracked @Hercwasonaroll Maybe next time you won't beat the OP up so much before you get to that point.

I don't think I've beaten the OP up at all. Just pointed out how shit it is to be the 'rejected' kids.

You can't undo those feelings in children, especially ones that are old enough to realise.

@Hercwasonaroll

I'm just making the point that it isn't common to have a week by yourself unless it is a first child.

Blended families are tricky to navigate. Why make relationships even more difficult by making children feel left out. At 11&13 they are old enough to grasp that a new baby has come and they aren't allowed to visit.

A visit but not overnight sounds like a decent compromise.

Isn't common doesn't equal isn't right.

Blended families are all very different. What works for one doesn't work for another, so just because "literally" nobody you know does this, doesn't make it wrong. It also doesn't mean that the children will feel left out or relationships will be harder. You cannot possible know either of those two things will happen, can you?

I personally think a short visit to meet the baby is fine but staying overnight or having normal contact time isn't going to benefit anyone.

@Hercwasonaroll

I don't think I've beaten the OP up at all. Just pointed out how shit it is to be the 'rejected' kids.

You can't undo those feelings in children, especially ones that are old enough to realise.

What you've done is posted as if you know better than everyone else, ignored lots of very good points, used emotive language to make your case (you continue to do that with the word "rejected") and essentially guilt op into doing what you personally think is right with practically no evidence for your argument.

You're assuming one scenario absolutely definitely WILL happen. Why is that?

Practically no evidence apart from being that child in a very similar situation. Being told you can't see your dad for 2 weeks because he has a new baby is shit. I've been there and never forgotten it.
But yes no evidence

At 11&13 they are old enough to grasp that a new baby has come and they aren't allowed to visit

So what exactly was the point of your first post if you agree they are old enough to understand and agree that a visit but no overnights is a good compromise (i.e. exactly what OP has said multiple times she will do)?

And again, I don't think it is uncommon. Perhaps not for a week when you're talking about biological children to the mother, because that would mean being away from their home and both parents. It is slightly different for DSC though in my opinion. They aren't at grandparents or a friends or aunties on a pull out bed whilst both their mum and dad are at their only home. They are at their mums house, their home, in their normal routine save for missing a small amount of contact for a short time, surrounded by their normal life and things, in their own rooms etc... They aren't being sent away or off anywhere.

If DHs ex asked us to do this we would 100% do it. In fact I think if she were having a baby I'd fully expect contact to be a little different for a short time and we'd need to step up and take over a little more whilst she settled.

OP started not wanting them at all....

@Hercwasonaroll

OP started not wanting them at all....

And I think she agreed on page 1 of the thread that actually a visit at least during that time would be best.

@Hercwasonaroll

Practically no evidence apart from being that child in a very similar situation. Being told you can't see your dad for 2 weeks because he has a new baby is shit. I've been there and never forgotten it. But yes no evidence

Yes, we know. And what we also know is that WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. I am genuinely sorry that you had a bad experience. IT DOES NOT MEAN THESE CHILDREN WILL. I also, have an incredibly crap father, I have in the past had step mother's who quite obviously disliked me. I have also had a step father (thankfully not anymore I have a brilliant one as an adult) who outright hated me and though we lived together did not speak to me for years. Do I therefore think all stepmothers and stepfather's are like those people same?

No I do not because I am able to recognise that every individual is different. Every family is different. What works for one could ruin another and vice versa. You need to trust that the op knows these children better than you. Which she obviously does. If she was blatantly uncaring then yes, absolutely call that out. But that isn't the case here.

I don't think the children not staying for a week is really the problem. It's how it's handled by the adults.

I can totally understand why a child who is already insecure in their relationship with their dad (and SM) may feel upset about this. Or, for example, if their mother tells them things like 'dads new family etc... which does happen I'm sure.

But I think in a situation where relationships are good and secure, this really shouldn't be a problem. I know my DSC would absolutely understand if they stayed with us for a week because mummy was resting after having a baby. Because we'd make sure they knew it didn't mean anything about their relationship, they know mummy loves them and all of us adults get along and can manage any upset between us in the right way.

Providing there aren't other issues at play, there should be no reason why children of these ages need to be damaged or upset about this. A little disappointed yes but I'd expect them to understand that sometimes we have to wait for things or do what's best for another person i.e. the mum in this scenario.

When I had DC2, DC1 had been with grandparents for the birth, then stayed there for a few days so new baby and I could get settled at home. It was a complete non-issue.

My DC both have the same DF, and we were living as a together family.

When I had DC1, DSS 7 at the time came the day after the birth to stay from Friday to Sunday. I really wish I had asked DP to skip that weekend as it was completely overwhelming, and I was extremely sore, yet having to run a house again, all while tending to my newborn.

Have the conversation with your DP, and talk through how you can prepare and ask his view on what he thinks you should do. If he insists his DC are coming, make it clear that he'll have to do all the running around and sorting out that they need, otherwise you'll potentially be setting yourself up for a stressful time.

@Hercwasonaroll

Practically no evidence apart from being that child in a very similar situation. Being told you can't see your dad for 2 weeks because he has a new baby is shit. I've been there and never forgotten it. But yes no evidence

That’s not what OP has suggested.

Nobody seems concerned about OP’s daughter. Wonder why that is? 🤔

I'm concerned about OPs daughter too, sorry that wasn't explicit in my replies.

Being told you can't see your dad for 2 weeks because he has a new baby is shit. I've been there and never forgotten it.
That’s shit it’s had such long lasting effects on you.
I won’t presume to know the ins and outs of your experience, but would it be way off base to guess that you didn’t feel all that secure in your relationship with your dad overall and that if you did then skipping a couple of days contact to give your SM some space to get to grips with her new baby would not have seemed like the end of the world?

Thank you everyone for all your replies and for the positive stories of doing this yourself. It makes me feel much better. Yes everyone is different and we have to do what's right as a family. I spoke to DP and he's been so supportive, it's a huge weight lifted! He knows what I went through last time and he's going to help me look out for the signs I might be getting unwell again. He totally understood why I'd want some space after the birth. The only thing he was t sure about was sending my DD to her dads because it's a good few hours drive away and he's worried he'd be away taking her for me / meeting her dad half way which might take him away from me at a time when I need him. He suggested she stays and he will make sure she is ok but I still wouldn't want her seeing me like last time if it got that bad. He also suggested the visit for his own kids with them coming to stay for longer when things are settled. So I was worrying about nothing! :)

So you’ve both decided your own DD gets to stay but the non resident children don’t. I wouldn’t agree you’re worrying over morning but each to their own. Don’t be surprised if they spend less time with you as they get older, not that you’d probably mind.