A reasonable request?

[Preggersandtired]

I'm due to have mine and DP's first baby early next year. He has 2 children aged 13 & 11. Would I be justified in expecting us to have at least say a week or so of just the 3 of us before the kids came over? I just think I'm going to be so tired and probably overwhelmed etc, so would be nice to have a little time to adjust ... Just wondered if this seems like a fair ask?

It sounds great that you and your DP are on the same page. Whatever works best for you all is what matters.

Oh I really can't win!
If my daughter goes to her dad's, I'm sending her away or pushing her away. If she stays it's unfair that she's the one staying! I give up.

I did say quite clearly why my DP thought taking her to dads wasn't the best idea - because of the length of travel involved (almost 4 hours there and back) at a time when I might be either about to go into labour or already in labour. He said that journey wouldn't be practical for him as I would need him with me at that time. I thought he had a good point and I hadn't thought of it before. I'd just thought about protecting my daughter from seeing my unwell and preserving my mental health. But I think he's right now he's said that. I just don't know how he's going to balance looking after me, the baby, and my daughter though if I do get poorly. Seems a big ask of him ...

That last one was aimed at @SendHelp30 who was having a dig at me

So you won't have any visitors whatsoever for a week?

@Mommabear20

So you won't have any visitors whatsoever for a week?

No definitely not. Last time my best friend came over when my daughter was about 5 days old and I ended up breaking down asking her to leave as I couldn't have anyone near my baby. I was really unwell but didn't realise :(

I can't believe people are so surprised by not having visitors or people from outside the immediate household being brought in. Assuming OP is in the UK has everyone forgotten we are in the middle of a pandemic. I can't believe people are even suggesting step children should be brought to visit at the hospital when Dad's are struggling to even get to see their newborns in hospital nevermind anyone else. This place is totally bonkers when it comes to step children.

As an aside note my step children's mother cancels our contact whenever it suits her and we often miss out on our days with SC at the last minute because it suits her but no one would ever bat an eyelid at that. Yet if a dad/sm asked for a few days this forum seem to think that everyone's worlds are going to fall apart.

I really wouldn't worry about this any further OP your partner is supportive and on side which is all you need. You've unfortunately been hit by the bitter ex wives brigade on MN who believe the wants/demands of step children trumps the needs of absolutely anyone else.

@seashellseashell123

I can't believe people are so surprised by not having visitors or people from outside the immediate household being brought in. Assuming OP is in the UK has everyone forgotten we are in the middle of a pandemic. I can't believe people are even suggesting step children should be brought to visit at the hospital when Dad's are struggling to even get to see their newborns in hospital nevermind anyone else. This place is totally bonkers when it comes to step children.

As an aside note my step children's mother cancels our contact whenever it suits her and we often miss out on our days with SC at the last minute because it suits her but no one would ever bat an eyelid at that. Yet if a dad/sm asked for a few days this forum seem to think that everyone's worlds are going to fall apart.

I really wouldn't worry about this any further OP your partner is supportive and on side which is all you need. You've unfortunately been hit by the bitter ex wives brigade on MN who believe the wants/demands of step children trumps the needs of absolutely anyone else.

The kids definitely won't be coming to the hospital, I didn't realise someone had suggested that in the middle of a pandemic. Crazy. I don't even know at what stage they'll let my DP into the hospital and he might have to leave within an hour after the birth, which is really scary. This is why I'm worried as this won't help my post natal depression if I get it :(

Yes all I need is the support of my DP, thank you. I posted on here before I spoke to him but luckily he was fine. :)

@seashellseashell123
My daughters dad cancels contact at times when he has had something come up, and she's absolutely fine with it. Often it's a relief for her as she can't be bothered with the travel every other weekend, it means she can just get in from school and relax!

Step parent mumsnet bingo on this thread from the non step parents as usual it's so predictable its cringey

So I asked my husband for a few days to recover as I came home the night before sc was due to visit he point blank refused saying no she needs to get to know her sibling.

He regretted his decision within hours he was tired I was tired new baby was tired his family who were dropping off SC decided they wanted to spend the weekend with us because of the newborn.

The house was a state because his family still wanted me to run around after them and make meals. On the second day a friend of ours came end picked up me and baby they let us sleep fed us that day was bliss

Op, children tend to react to things in the way they are presented those things. So children with two parents who present this positively will probably react well. Things like "we are worried about visitors but we thought we could sneak you in for an hour to meet because we can't wait for you to meet them" will get a totally different reaction to "sorry kids you're not coming in". This board is odd, children can and do accept changes in their lives without it being the end of the world. Particularly children who are old enough to be spoken to properly like yours. Please don't add the peculiar people here to your list of stressors, you're doing fine.

@Stantons FULL HOUSE!

When my daughter was born my stepson came to visit in hospital a few hours later. I was in for a week, and we had him as soon as I was out for the following 2 weeks. In hindsight it wasn’t the best arrangement as my OH and I were so exhausted that we couldn’t give him the attention he needed (it was the school holidays!). I think it’s fine to have a couple of days to acclimate if circumstances allow.

@SendHelp30

So you’ve both decided your own DD gets to stay but the non resident children don’t. I wouldn’t agree you’re worrying over morning but each to their own. Don’t be surprised if they spend less time with you as they get older, not that you’d probably mind.

Did posting that make you feel better since it served absolutely no other purpose?

@Bailsgd that sounds like a nightmare!

@Bufferingkisses thank you for your support

@TrustTheGeneGenie don't worry I'm just ignoring all the negative comments now, they don't know me so it's not personal! Plus I have enough to worry about than what people I've never met think about me

@Hercwasonaroll

I'm concerned about OPs daughter too, sorry that wasn't explicit in my replies.

No need thank you, she's perfectly fine

@SendHelp30 did you say that to be helpful? Do you enjoy being horrible to struggling pregnant women?
You seem utterly vile.

I have 3 stepsons including a pre teen

We are actively TTC (we have fertility issues) we have already discussed that we are trying to have a baby with them and they understand. I love the boys but I know when we do eventually have a child I certainly won’t want them around for the first few days while I establish BF etc because I couldn’t sit around with my tits out, half dressed, bleeding, in pain around them etc as they would just go home and cause problems with their mum and that’s after them teasing me and being immature cause that’s kids for you.

People are saying ‘well you wouldn’t ship off your own kids’ miss the point of that they aren’t her children and therefore there’s going to be certain boundaries and things that she couldn’t do and wouldn’t feel comfortable doing around them. They also miss the point of SHE WILL BE A FIRST TIME MUM cut her some bloody slack. 😐

OP. Please make sure that you take a week off and get rebalanced etc, you deserve that.

Sorry I'm going to sound harsh here. But don't have children with someone who already has children

Yes, you do sound harsh. Why did you feel the need to post that unhelpful comment?

Existing kids aren't trumped by your first time motherhood with trying to establish breastfeeding and slobbing about in pain

You use the word "trumped" but that clearly isn't the intention here is it? Them staying at their other home with their other parent isn't "trumping" them is it? It's common sense. How much fun do you think a week with a newly postpartum step mother and a new born baby would be in reality? Do you think they'd be out doing fun things with dad or do you think they'd be bored whilst dad tends to a not very well step mum and a new born? It is not a food situation for anyone involved.

There's a reason my second time around I refused to date any men who already had children, because I know I'm way too selfish to deal with it. And as a adult it's our responsibility to deal with this, not a child's.

Bully for you. I wonder why you feel you're best placed to give advice when you have no experience of this yourself?

And as for slobbing about? Vile. Vile 2ay to describe a new mum. And people wonder why new mums struggle. Because of people and comments like that.

And as for slobbing about?

A turn of phrase and one I used to describe myself. I laid around in pyjamas or a nighty quite rightly whilst others cleaned up and did necessary stuff. I took care of baby, sleeping as much as was possible and did nothing else. Ok it might be unpalatable but it was quite literally a humorous phrase I used at the times.

I'm genuinely intrigued as to why someone who by their own admission would never want to be a step mum would want to be on the step parenting section of this site? Please take your vile comments elsewhere

@BoulangerieBabs

And as for slobbing about?

A turn of phrase and one I used to describe myself. I laid around in pyjamas or a nighty quite rightly whilst others cleaned up and did necessary stuff. I took care of baby, sleeping as much as was possible and did nothing else. Ok it might be unpalatable but it was quite literally a humorous phrase I used at the times.

Did you think it was a helpful comment?