My room being off limits - AIBU or is this rule fairly common place

[ButternutSquashMe]

have name changed as a few family members on here! For context, my dc all over 18 and at university.

I had very few rules in my house when my dc were young. Shoes off if you go upstairs, no food in bedrooms and that was it. I never felt it necessary to say 'no lounging in my room' as my dc never did it.

I have a TV in my bedroom, a hangover from being a single parent for years and going to bed and watching TV rather than falling asleep in the lounge. There are no TVs in anyone else's rooms just the big TV in the lounge.

Dp now lives with me and has for a year. His dc are 8 and 10. I WOTH and dp runs his own business which he can do from home. More and more, when I come back from work, one of the dc is lying in bed in my bedroom watching TV. I go into my room to get changed and they don't even move.

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs. But what that does mean is that I don't have my own space if I want to get changed or showered etc. and it essentially means there is nowhere peaceful to sit till they've gone to bed as they are occupying both spaces.

He doesn't think it's an issue but he would enforce it if I pushed. But I just wondered if I was horribly out of date. My kids wouldn't have wanted to sit in my room tbh so never did!

If it bothers you, it needs to stop. You're well within your rights to want your bedroom to be a private space. There's no reason his kids need to lounge about on your bed. Tell your partner to get another tv for one of the other rooms.

thanks Aquamarine - it's been a long time since my kids were small so wasn't sure if people were more lax about these things!

yes I think that's a good option

TVs for their rooms sorts this out?

I'd tell him to buy a TV for their room.

Having said that, I would be SO pissed off with him. They have moved into your home and now your own bedroom isn't private? That really isn't on.

I'm amazed you wanted to go back to bringing up little kids after getting your own to adulthood!

DS uses my room all the time, doesn't bother me. I have told him its off-limits when his friends are round though. I think it's odd to have spaces other family members aren't allowed into - for example, we all used DS room during lockdown as it had a desk already set up.

I didn't mean to @HollowTalk believe me! Went out dating specifically to find someone without young children but ended up falling in love with someone I'd known for some time (dp) who I didn't think was interested in me. Argh! His kids are lovely but yes, just as mine moved out, so his moved in!

My own kid’s aren’t even allowed in my room, and rarely get to watch the telly downstairs (I have the music channel on most of the day). They’ve got the whole rest of the house including their own rooms to lie in, and phones and iPads if they want to watch something. Yanbu

Agree with PP saying get a TV for their own rooms!

He doesn't get to bury his head in the sand and "not think it's an issue". If you think it's an issue, it's an issue.

DCs aren't "banned" from my bedroom but I'd not be ok with it if they started using it as a second living room!

God no, completely unacceptable. What would the kids think of you lounging around in their rooms? Put your foot down, you have to have your own private space.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your DP needs to enforce this. If not I’d be locking the door when leaving for work!

At 8 and 10 they must have similar things they like or understand how to take turns.

I wouldn’t bother getting them their own TVs. Unless you never want to see them again

Not unreasonable at all. He could get them a TV for their rooms if he wanted but tbh he doesn't need to, they need to learn to share it.

My DC are allowed in my room but in a limited way and only when I want them in there (eg story time). They can’t lounge around in there and they’re not allowed to play in there or poke about. It’s my space! Certainly not allowed to go in with friends or just for a wander. There’s the whole rest of the house at their disposal.

move the TV out of your room and either put it in theirs or another multi-purpose room, if you have one. Seems a very simple solution

@Nyclair only if she doesn't want the TV - it's hers.

Ugh I’d have gone ballistic if my step kids had tried that!!! Definitely NBU to put your foot down and say that it’s a private space and off limits unless you and DP both agree they can be in there.

As others have suggested a tv in a bedroom or maybe a kitchen might solve the problem but I’d be inclined to get them to share the other one nicely without having to resort to needing two on at once but maybe that’s just me.

I find it weird when parents don't let their children in their bedrooms, it's their home, no room should be forbidden in my opinion.

I do understand your irritation though, if you want to get changed they should leave. Why not just buys another TV??

What was his set up before you all lived together? We have one tv, in the living room, and if my DSC argue about what to watch it gets switched off and they can play games, go outside, read etc.

By all means he gets another tv but surely just starting to actively parent his children and managing their behaviour without letting them commandeer your bed is simpler.

You shouldn’t have to ask him to stop them doing it, he should have asked your feelings about it first.

How often are they there? Do they have their own rooms or share?

I think if they're there once a week, I'd not bother whilst I was out but clearly once you need to use it, you shoo them out.
If they're over more often or live with you full time, I think a tablet or a cheap TV in their room is the answer.

I find it when parents don't let their kids in their bedrooms, it's their home, no room should be forgiven in my opinion

This is a bit of a double standard given how many of MN shout about the kids bedrooms being their sanctuary and how parents should respect their space.

In any case, I wouldn't consider my room off limits, the communal wash basket is in there and they can always go in to get something, but I wouldn't expect them to hang out in there in the same way I wouldn't go into their room to read a book.

@Bourbonbiccy I don’t think it’s about it being forbidden but just looking for some basic privacy like getting changed without an audience. I think it comes down to respect for each other and your own needs and it’s ok to speak out if your needs aren’t being met imo

Get a lock

YOU enforce it. you get the two kids together, while dp is out, and tell them your room is out of bounds to them. It's your private space and they may NOT watch TV in your room.

Why you haven't just said "Out you go. kid, I'm going to get changed, shut the door behind you" is beyond my understanding.

Do they have a room at yours, the simplest solution is to put a TV in there.

my youngest is 18 and mine would still ask if it is ok to watch something on tv in my room. I wouldn't be lounging in their rooms either.

Bet if you told him you don't feel comfortable having sex knowing they see your bedroom as a communal place things would change..
FYI my own dc have to knock on my door. No way would they assume any right of entry!!