My room being off limits - AIBU or is this rule fairly common place

[ButternutSquashMe]

have name changed as a few family members on here! For context, my dc all over 18 and at university.

I had very few rules in my house when my dc were young. Shoes off if you go upstairs, no food in bedrooms and that was it. I never felt it necessary to say 'no lounging in my room' as my dc never did it.

I have a TV in my bedroom, a hangover from being a single parent for years and going to bed and watching TV rather than falling asleep in the lounge. There are no TVs in anyone else's rooms just the big TV in the lounge.

Dp now lives with me and has for a year. His dc are 8 and 10. I WOTH and dp runs his own business which he can do from home. More and more, when I come back from work, one of the dc is lying in bed in my bedroom watching TV. I go into my room to get changed and they don't even move.

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs. But what that does mean is that I don't have my own space if I want to get changed or showered etc. and it essentially means there is nowhere peaceful to sit till they've gone to bed as they are occupying both spaces.

He doesn't think it's an issue but he would enforce it if I pushed. But I just wondered if I was horribly out of date. My kids wouldn't have wanted to sit in my room tbh so never did!

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs.
Haven't read thread through in full but this struck me. Without wanting to sound like a battleaxe there are these things called compromise, sharing and taking turns!
@ButternutSquashMe in NO way should your private space be compromised because your dh can't cope with his dc arguing over the tv. In my house everyone takes turns with the tv, movies etc. & if anyone (inc. me) doesn't agree with a choice when it's not their turn then they are free to find something else to do.
Honestly I despair of how indulged some kids are in their every whim.

TV in their room

Can take plug wire or remote away at night so they cant watch it then.

Or if they cant follow rules with it they just have access to downstairs tv for a period as a sanction.

But your room should be separate

@Magda72 Yes. It’s amazing that anyone would just not tell their kids to share the tv in the living room properly. God forbid a child doesn’t get exactly what they want at all times (especially the child of a nonresident father on a contact day). Imagine the cruelty of having to watch something they’re not entirely keen on or, worse, just do something else in til your turn to choose. Or of being made to agree something with you sibling.

It’s much better to treat the adult bedroom in the house like a second lounge. Clearly. 🙄

To Manda72:
Children need to learn to share but so do adults need to learn to compromise. The OP has stated the way in which she raised her children in the manner that she chose. She is ,however, not willing to allow her partner that same right.

Assuming that they both contribute equally to the maintenance of the home, why does her desire to use their shared bedroom as her personal and private sanctuary trump her partners desire to provide an open and welcoming sanctuary in his room for his children?

There are 2 people with equal status , why should the desire of one of them be given more weight than the desire of the other? In a good relationship, they would find a compromise that works for both of them.

If the OP, having had the opportunity to raise her chIldren in the manner that she chose cannot afford her partner that same right, this may be a signal that they may be too rigid to live harmoniously together.

I think that people who say that they have to have things a certain way do better living alone. You can have a very satisfying relationship without living together. No flexibility is required when you live alone. Your entire house is your sanctuary.

No kids in my bedroom, even mine! That's for sure!!!!

*Children need to learn to share but so do adults need to learn to compromise. The OP has stated the way in which she raised her children in the manner that she chose. She is ,however, not willing to allow her partner that same right.

Assuming that they both contribute equally to the maintenance of the home, why does her desire to use their shared bedroom as her personal and private sanctuary trump her partners desire to provide an open and welcoming sanctuary in his room for his children?

There are 2 people with equal status , why should the desire of one of them be given more weight than the desire of the other? In a good relationship, they would find a compromise that works for both of them.

If the OP, having had the opportunity to raise her chIldren in the manner that she chose cannot afford her partner that same right, this may be a signal that they may be too rigid to live harmoniously together.

I think that people who say that they have to have things a certain way do better living alone. You can have a very satisfying relationship without living together. No flexibility is required when you live alone. Your entire house is your sanctuary.*

If OP wanted to hang out in the kids bedroom whenever she felt like it, would you say the same thing? Or does the children's need for privacy and their own space mean no compromise is necessary?

@Tiredoftattler for the love of god it's her bedroom!!!

Her private space! It's not like she doesn't want them using the FAMILY spaces.
I really don't mean to sound rude but your post is bonkers.

My own kids don’t hang out in my room, so no, Step DCs wouldn’t be welcome to either. Some people may think that’s harsh, but I view my room as my sanctuary away from everyone else. As an introvert, sometimes I just need a break from people. My bed is an intimate place. I don’t want other people’s hairs on my pillow or anyone eating biscuits in my bed! Some people have a rule about no outside clothes in/on the bed, and while I don’t go that far, I do feel like someone sitting under the covers in their outdoor clothes would be weird for me.

DP used to let his DD get into bed with us in the mornings. Then he’d go back to sleep and she’d sit and chatter away keeping me awake. He could never understand why I wasn’t keen! so I made a rule fairly early on, no kids in my bed. If he wanted to snuggle with her he could go downstairs and snuggle on the sofa in the mornings!

TV in their rooms makes sense. But also parenting them appropriately so they’re able to take turns would be a good move for him! YANBU

To Manda 72:
What you never address in your post is the partner's right to have a different opinion and different feelings about this situation. The partner is giving his children permission to go into his sanctuary. Does he not have any standing in this situation? Is it only the OP's feelings or thoughts that matter? What about the partner's desire for his children to feel comfortable in his bedroom? Does he not have a right to believe that to be important? Maybe he has no desire to have a shrine or off limits sanctuary in his home. That is not a wrong perspective ; it is simply a different perspective.

The OP proudly stated her policy when raising her children; is her partner not allowed to have his policy when raising his children?

If these people cannot compromise, chances are that they can love each other but perhaps should not live with each other.

I would not live with my husband if he were to tell me that my children were not allowed in my bedroom , and I would not expect him to want to live with me if I were to say that his children were not allowed in our bedroom.

Sometimes compatibility matters as much or more than love when it comes to living peacefully together.

@Tiredoftattler Again, what would you say if OP wanted to hang out in the children's bedroom and one of them didn't want her to?

@Tiredoftattler you do talk a load of old bollocks.

To: A sofaNearYou:
I think that the OP has a right to access any room in her house. Children generally come into parents' rooms because it is a space in which they have been made to feel safe and welcome. Generally those are feelings that parents engender in children .I do not know very many parents who seek a comfortable or safe environment by going into their children's room so much.

We do not have off limit spaces in our home, but we do respect the privacy of a closed door. If the kids have closed their door ,we knock and wait to be granted permission to enter and they do the same with us. If someone wishes to be alone, they simply say so.

In a place where everyone's privacy is respected, we do not need to prohibit entry into any space. This may not work for everyone, but it works for us.

I would not live with a spouse or partner who felt the need to deny access to my bedroom to my children. A person who felt the need to do such a thing would be a person with whom I was not compatible.
They would not be wrong; we would simply not be compatible as living together partners.

Tattler that’s absolutely your right to draw that line. As it is OP’s right to draw her own line and for her DP to agree or fuck off. There’s nothing more annoying than a kid who’s never been told “no”. If only more parents were able to tell their DC that actually what they want is NOT the most important thing in the world and that adults have their own needs and wants too, maybe there wouldn’t be quite so many little shits around.

@Tiredoftattler You do describe it as YOUR bedroom multiple times there. It is as much OPs bedroom as it is his. I understand what you're saying about compromise but funnily enough the compromise you suggest always tends to be just your way or the highway when it comes to your kids. OP has recently allowed him to move in, and thus move his kids in too. She has compromised the rest of the house. It is not a compromise for him to get his way, that's just him saying no, I will not compromise with you enough to grant you one single room, so you get nothing.

You can't dress everything up as compromise.

@Notfeelinggreattoday that's why I said " If they are lucky enough to grow up in a house that is big enough for dc to have their own rooms, and, in many cases that will also include 2 living rooms".

However, when we didn't live in such a house, everyone was still able to respect other people's spaces. Same as when I was growing up and shared my bedroom with both my sisters- you have your own space and other people respect that. None of us would have spread ourselves out on the others' bed.

@BackforGood but maybe the op partner have been brought up that its ok to do and there dad knew they were in there so obviously had asked or been out in there
Like i said my dc will sometimes go in my room to watch tv and we allow it so normal for our house
If we are in the room then they won't come in without knocking etc
We had friends stay at weekend who had our room and we had one if the dc beds and they had camp bed downstairs so lost the room for the evening , again normal for us to use each others rooms in our house when needed

I really don’t think putting a tv in an 8year olds room is a good idea. Can’t believe so many people are suggesting it.
I would ask they don’t go.m in there and they. Have to do what families all over the world do and watch stuff together

We have two tv's with sky so me and my husband don't have to share the tv so understand why sometimes you may let kid watch something different
At times mine may of watched the same thing , another time one had to watch what the other did and vice versA and other times they watched a tv each , (because im nice like that ), if its good enough for me & dh to watch different tv sometimes then why not the kids.
My kids still know how to share, they shared a room for 12 years
But your rules your house although i think both partners should have a say and come up with a compromise

To: Back for Good
Your house sounds like our house. It is flexible but with respect for privacy. We all knock on closed doors but kids are permitted to enter bedroom if we are not there. No big deal.

Obviously, this works for us but maybe not for some others. We trust each other and to date nothing has ever disappeared or been destroyed.

If anyone of us ,kids or adults want alone or down time , we simply say so and that request is honored.

I am not criticizing anyone who does things differently ,but denying my kids or my step kids access to our joint bedroom would not work in our home. That does not mean that there are not many other ways that work in other homes.

It wouldn't bother me but we don't have a tv in our bedroom. There is one in the spare room and they do sometimes like to lie on the bed and watch it.

@Tiredoftattler If I knew my partner felt they needed the bedroom to be a private space, there’s no way I’d let my child in there to watch tv. No matter how you dress it up in twee language of ‘safe and comfortable spaces’, it’s not about that. This thread is about recognising your partner’s needs and not deciding that your children’s tv preferences trump those.

Sometimes it’s not just a neutral difference of opinion because the effects are uneven. In this case it’s weighing up a child having to compromise on tv watching with their sibling, and their father having to manage a bit of bickering vs a woman not feeling that she has a private space to get changed or even just sit in her own house. The latter is the sort of thing that can erode someone’s mental heath, the former is really not (no one needs to be able to watch exactly what they want when they want to).

The thing about bedrooms is that they are personal. If it comes down to a choice about who actually needs to feel safe and welcomed in them, then the needs of whoever’s bedroom it is are a priority. The alternative is that the OP gets no private space at all. She can’t get changed or even just sit because the entire rest of the house is designated as welcoming space the children can use.

We had this issue too OP. The kids have TV in their room but for some reason wanted to be out the way of the others. This was both my DC and his!

It bothered us both, so we agreed they must not go in our room. It was probably more of an issue for me as we had the same working arrangements as in DP WFH and me not. So yes coming back from work to wanting to get changed and having to take my clothes in the bathroom to do it, was annoying!

We told the kids no more going in our room and it solved the issue.

If your boyfriend is like this now after just a year in things will never get any better. You will build up resentment to each other about your very different and incompatible parenting styles. I would question your wisdom at letting your boyfriend with fairly young children move in.

It is really bad your boyfriend letting his children do that to your space when he knows you don't like it.

Why can’t the man “raise his kids as he sees fit” in the entire rest of the house?
How can an SM stay in her lane and out of the parenting (She’s not their mother you know) when her physical space to do just that is taken away?
I’ll be honest, I had this with my DH years ago and put my foot down. I compromise on pretty much everything in my life for DSD but sharing my private space with her was a bridge too far. Sometimes what I need is important too.

Never had a tv in our bedroom. Even so I wouldn't want mine or anyone else's dc in our bedroom without a good reason.
It's the only private space you have.