My room being off limits - AIBU or is this rule fairly common place

[ButternutSquashMe]

have name changed as a few family members on here! For context, my dc all over 18 and at university.

I had very few rules in my house when my dc were young. Shoes off if you go upstairs, no food in bedrooms and that was it. I never felt it necessary to say 'no lounging in my room' as my dc never did it.

I have a TV in my bedroom, a hangover from being a single parent for years and going to bed and watching TV rather than falling asleep in the lounge. There are no TVs in anyone else's rooms just the big TV in the lounge.

Dp now lives with me and has for a year. His dc are 8 and 10. I WOTH and dp runs his own business which he can do from home. More and more, when I come back from work, one of the dc is lying in bed in my bedroom watching TV. I go into my room to get changed and they don't even move.

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs. But what that does mean is that I don't have my own space if I want to get changed or showered etc. and it essentially means there is nowhere peaceful to sit till they've gone to bed as they are occupying both spaces.

He doesn't think it's an issue but he would enforce it if I pushed. But I just wondered if I was horribly out of date. My kids wouldn't have wanted to sit in my room tbh so never did!

So OP should either give up her tv or her private space because these precious little darlings shouldn’t be taught to share? And her DP shouldn’t be expected to parent more effectively? Her feelings don’t matter at all? And people think this is how you bring up reasonable and mature human beings and conduct a healthy adult relationship?

Ok then...

I never understand why women choose selectively

I never understand why women elect to remain in a situation that makes them uncomfortable and yet blame others for their discomfort.

The OP is not married to the father. She has no obligation or responsibility to or far his children. The home is one that she owns.

Why would she simply not ask him to find a different place to take his children? That would alleviate any discomfort that his children create in her home. In his own space the father could parent as he sees fit.

His living in a different place would not have to signal the end of the relationship; it would just give each of them the opportunity to be their own person in their respective households?

People can be in love, but their personalities may be such that they are better off living apart. This does not signal failure; it just may mean that they have limited compatibility .

All too often women choose to remain in a situation that does not provide happiness or comfort for them, but they then place the blame on others rather than on their decision to remain in the situation.
In effect they say to the partner, "it is your fault that I am unhappy "rather than " I am making myself unhappy by choosing to remain in this situation."

Better to own your choices rather than blaming others for your misery.

@Tiredoftattler so because the OPs stepkids cant share a tv she should live separately from them? Aye ok hen nae bather

@Tiredoftattler because it is one small hurdle and one small compromise she would like him to make for her. Not everyone views a difference of opinion of that scale as grounds to live apart. That is an incredibly rigid and uncompromising way of viewing things and how you cannot see that amazes me.

If you just want to champion the merits of living separately then fair enough, but you cannot claim to be a champion of compromise if a concession as small as this to accommodate your partner's feelings at such a minimal cost to your DC, would make you feel you could not manage living with them.

It is quite possible that living apart would be the compromise that could save this relationship. Living apart would give them time to get to know each other better while allowing the dad to parent as he sees fit and the OP to have her personal sanctuary.

Sometimes you have to be willing to take a risk to ensure your own long -term happiness and survival.

If the relationship cannot survive some healing distance, it may not have been very strong in the beginning.

In any case, the OP does not sound very happy and who knows how the dependent SO feels. The OP reached out to strangers rather than to her SO, that can be a very telling point about the trust that she has in their relationship.

Why would she simply not ask him to find a different place to take his children?

Like the front room for example?

Honestly, what a drama queen.

I think I'd be ok with them in my bedroom as long as they vacated without fuss when I got home. Otherwise iPad for a different programme?

Completely reasonable expectation to have your room remain your own private space. My own DD barely even goes in our room, in fact she's only in there if talking to me, she wouldn't just go in there at any other time. And I wouldn't set up camp in her room, either - only if I was invited in to talk to her etc. I think it's very commonplace to have boundaries in place at home when it comes to your own bedroom!

My kids aren't allowed in my bedroom. Well, occasionally if they are sick or scared in the night for a hug. We have one TV, which is in the lounge. We have similar rules to what you had with your kids. No shoes upstairs, no eating upstairs, etc. I think rules are better to be an 'always' so much as possible. It's much easier to NEVER eat upstairs, than to only eat upstairs with a tray, or only when it's takeaway, or only chocolate. My kids either have to compromise or take it in turns.

IMO privacy is a need and TV is a want.

As I see it, you have 2 options.

Either you allow the child to watch TV in your bedroom when you're out and then tell them to go away.

OR

Tell them they can't watch TV in your bedroom.

Anyways, I think they definitely should leave when you want to get dressed or something.

I’m a foster parent and it is an absolute non negotiable rule that children do not enter adults bedrooms ever. It’s a massive safeguarding risk and opens you to potential accusations. Plus how do children know the boundaries? How do they know they can go in sometimes but not when you’re using it for privacy? Best to have a simple rule of bedrooms are private.

Given that this thread was started in September, I hope that @ButternutSquashMe has found a solution that works for her.

Warning OP, dd has a tv in her room but still prefers to watch mine - both have fire sticks just like a big bed I guess.

But both the D.C. know, watching in my room comes with a risk that you could be kicked out at a moment's notice

They are taking over your space this is not fair tell them your room is off limits put a lock on the door I would