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Original poster

My room being off limits - AIBU or is this rule fairly common place

191 replies

ButternutSquashMe · 23/09/2020 17:23

have name changed as a few family members on here! For context, my dc all over 18 and at university.

I had very few rules in my house when my dc were young. Shoes off if you go upstairs, no food in bedrooms and that was it. I never felt it necessary to say 'no lounging in my room' as my dc never did it.

I have a TV in my bedroom, a hangover from being a single parent for years and going to bed and watching TV rather than falling asleep in the lounge. There are no TVs in anyone else's rooms just the big TV in the lounge.

Dp now lives with me and has for a year. His dc are 8 and 10. I WOTH and dp runs his own business which he can do from home. More and more, when I come back from work, one of the dc is lying in bed in my bedroom watching TV. I go into my room to get changed and they don't even move.

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs. But what that does mean is that I don't have my own space if I want to get changed or showered etc. and it essentially means there is nowhere peaceful to sit till they've gone to bed as they are occupying both spaces.

He doesn't think it's an issue but he would enforce it if I pushed. But I just wondered if I was horribly out of date. My kids wouldn't have wanted to sit in my room tbh so never did!

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reclaimbricks · 23/09/2020 20:52

I totally agree OP. If it's your own children it is a different situation. If I had step children I wouldn't want them in my bedroom. People might say double standards but that's how I feel.

Notnownotneverever · 23/09/2020 20:56

YANBU. It’s your own private space in a shared home. You are entitled to privacy in your own home that you pay for.
Also the DC should be taking turns in what to watch in my opinion. You don’t just use two TVs or buy another one so children can watch what they want whenever they want.

GreyShadow · 23/09/2020 20:57

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Bedrooms are a safe haven! We don't enter each others bedrooms without knocking.

Your house, your rules!

KeepOnMovingForwards · 23/09/2020 21:01

I've just thought, that my dad had this rule (divorced parents). I don't think I ever once went into his room, as a child or an adult.
My mum let us sleep in her bed, but obviously that's down to each individual parent to decide.

BackforGood · 23/09/2020 21:03

I agree with you that they shouldn't be allowed in your room. My dc never were, and there is no step parent / child element to it.
I don't want other people lounging all over my bed.
I do want my own space to get changed or whatever.

I think you might be a bit ambitious to 'find things to all watch together' - but as teens my dc stopped watching TV much at all - they all stream stuff on their laptops. It's hardly 1975, when you could only watch the TV programme at the time it is on and only on a television any more.

MeridianB · 23/09/2020 21:03

Just looked at your OP again and seen the DSCs are IN your bed!

Just no.

greyblueeyes · 23/09/2020 21:06

Oh no way would I tolerate this shit. Your DP is being lazy because he doesn't want to sort out the arguing. Tell them all that this stops now. Your bedroom is off limits. Set a boundary now on this, OP. This is your private space.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2020 21:09

I think it’s unreasonable to say they can’t watch tv in your room but they can’t have a tv in theirs either. Just get them a small second hand tv, no big deal, no arguments and you get your room back.

On a seperate note I also can’t understand this whole kids are not allowed in my room stuff, it’s my “sanctuary”

I mean how long does it take you to get changed or shower, Chuck them out for half an hour, but if you’re not even using it, won’t let them use it and won’t let them have their own tv, it’s like you’re thinking to yourself , hmm, wonder just how difficult I can make this.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2020 21:11

I don't want other people lounging all over my bed

They are your children, not “other people”

I just don’t understand the way some folks view their own kids at all.

Evenstar · 23/09/2020 21:14

My own DC had that boundary and wouldn’t have dreamt of going into my bedroom without asking or if they were being sent to fetch something. As they got older on a very rare occasion and with permission they were allowed to watch TV in there as they didn’t have their own TV in their rooms until they were 16.

My younger DSS moved in with me when he was 10, he pushed the boundary as my then DP had allowed him to go in his room whenever he liked. I did have to have a frank discussion with DP as I wanted my privacy. The rule was put in place and by his teenage years it was the same as my DC and occasional use of TV with permission. You need to make the rule now and stick to it, if they are not with you all the time then I would allow a TV in the room they have when they stay.

Everyone deserves to have a space of their own.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2020 21:16

Why not put the tv in their room if it’s just a hangover from when you were single?

KeepOnMovingForwards · 23/09/2020 21:17

On a seperate note I also can’t understand this whole kids are not allowed in my room stuff, it’s my “sanctuary”

My room is my sanctuary. I need alone time sometimes. And privacy often.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/09/2020 21:20

When I need to be in my room on my own, I ask DS to leave. It's not hard.

Craddle64 · 23/09/2020 21:22

I think it's mean and very old style parenting.

IHateCoronavirus · 23/09/2020 21:24

YANBU at all they shouldn’t be on your bed, and furthermore what favours is he doing for his kids by letting them both get their own way all of the time re what they watch.
Compromise, turn taking, a bit of healthy debate will do them the world of good. If they don’t like what is on the TV they can always go outside a get a bit of fresh air, play a game, draw a picture, read a book.

Craddle64 · 23/09/2020 21:24

Op reminds me of 'children should be seen not heard' type of people

PamDemic · 23/09/2020 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2020 21:36

Gosh it must be tough growing up in some homes

You can’t come into my room. I need my privacy
You can’t have a tv in your room, only I can have that.
You agree what to watch or you can fuck off and do something else. My tv will sit there unwatched

Oh and ask for food, asl for a drink, ask for a snack, eat what your given. And never forget I’m in charge and you get fuck all say in anything.

aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2020 22:02

You can't come in my room. I need my privacy

Yes, a shocking thing to require.

You can't have a tv in your room, only I can have that

Absolutely, it's well known that not having a tv each is shocking child abuse for 8 and 10 year olds.

BackforGood · 23/09/2020 22:02

I think it's mean and very old style parenting.

How is it 'mean' for everyone to have their own space ? Confused

If they are lucky enough to grow up in a house that is big enough for dc to have their own rooms, and, in many cases that will also include 2 living rooms plus a kitchen, then why wouldn't you all have your own spaces ?

I don't go in their rooms when they aren't there, and, if I want to go in when they are there, I knock. I wouldn't dream of going into their bedrooms and lying on their bed uninvited.
I expect that same respect back.
Having our 'own bit of space' is a real human urge.

Not 'mean' at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/09/2020 22:12

They are not OP’s children. It’s a completely different relationship. She’s lived with them, part time, for a year. Half of MN would take extreme issue with her even referring to herself as these children’s step mother yet a contingent on here think she should be comfortable with them lying in her bed.

The issue has only come about because the DP, their actual parent, would rather duck out of managing arguments/conflict/compromise/parenting. Not OP’s problem. She doesn’t need to buy more TVs. All she needs to do it tell her DP to keep his kids out of the bedroom if his partner isn’t okay with it.

SBTLove · 23/09/2020 22:18

All the ‘my kids can do and go where they want’, it’s good for them to learn to respect other people’s privacy, do they wander about other people’s homes that they visit?
Some respect isn’t oppressive, I knock my DC door before I go in and vice versus, it’s manners.

JulesCobb · 23/09/2020 22:42

@Bluntness100

I don't want other people lounging all over my bed

They are your children, not “other people”

I just don’t understand the way some folks view their own kids at all.

They are not her children
Songbird232018 · 23/09/2020 22:59

I think this is a own child vs step child thing where your bedroom Is a private personal space maybe you wouldn't mind your own child casually lying on your bed but it's different with a child that's not yours. That's how I'd feel anyway

fruitpastille · 23/09/2020 23:06

Take the fuse out of the TV in your room so it doesn't work. They'll soon learn to share downstairs!

Or I'd suggest an iPad instead of a second TV.