My room being off limits - AIBU or is this rule fairly common place

[ButternutSquashMe]

have name changed as a few family members on here! For context, my dc all over 18 and at university.

I had very few rules in my house when my dc were young. Shoes off if you go upstairs, no food in bedrooms and that was it. I never felt it necessary to say 'no lounging in my room' as my dc never did it.

I have a TV in my bedroom, a hangover from being a single parent for years and going to bed and watching TV rather than falling asleep in the lounge. There are no TVs in anyone else's rooms just the big TV in the lounge.

Dp now lives with me and has for a year. His dc are 8 and 10. I WOTH and dp runs his own business which he can do from home. More and more, when I come back from work, one of the dc is lying in bed in my bedroom watching TV. I go into my room to get changed and they don't even move.

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs. But what that does mean is that I don't have my own space if I want to get changed or showered etc. and it essentially means there is nowhere peaceful to sit till they've gone to bed as they are occupying both spaces.

He doesn't think it's an issue but he would enforce it if I pushed. But I just wondered if I was horribly out of date. My kids wouldn't have wanted to sit in my room tbh so never did!

@WooMaWang excellent comment!

I did try pointing out to Tattler that since the rest of the house is already a communal space, the dad in this scenario getting his way is not in any way a compromise, it is just him saying "no I am not satisfied with all of the other rooms in the house, they need that last one too and screw your need for your own space." Since there is no other space available in the house, "compromise" on this issue is basically just excusing not taking OPs feelings into consideration at all. But didn't get a response.

But then, every time Tattler comments on a thread it is basically to say "if my partner questioned or expected compromise on anything related to my kids then I couldn't be with them", so not exactly the spokesperson for compromise.

Well put @WooMaWang and @aSofaNearYou

I’m baffled by the number of people who think the solution is to provide children with a TV of their own as a ‘compromise’ and then they give the op a hard time for not compromising on her personal boundaries.

The kids are in op’s room purely because the dad isn’t expecting his kids to compromise. The poor little darlings couldn’t possibly be expected to take turns or consider each other’s feelings, opinions. The solution, get them each a TV so they never have to worry about compromise again, ooh and while we are at it we also solve the problem of delayed gratification. Let’s teach our children that we can have everything we want NOW, and if anyone stands in my way I can isolate myself from them and do it anyway.

The number of children in schools who struggle to listen to a story or wait for the result of a science experiment, because it requires them to tune in to something that might not be their favourite and wait.

There are six people in our house and one TV. If one of us fancies watching something we talk to each other.
Person A “I fancy watching this, do you want to watch it with me?”
Person B “Yes, ok put it on.”
Person C “hm it isn’t my cup of tea, I want to watch x instead. Once yours is finished does anyone want to watch x?”
Person D “ooh I like the idea of X let me know when that comes on, I’ll get a bit of my homework done while i’m waiting!”
Persons E and F “Thanks for the offer but we’ll watch something when you lot have gone to bed, and have a nice glass of wine!”

Seems like an ok arrangement to me. Everyone happy, everyone feels listened to a valued. No one hidden away accessing anything that isn’t suitable for their stage of development. Everyone had the choice to join in or duck out, no one has anything forced upon them, but they do grow up knowing how to communicate their wants and needs in a way which is respectful to others wants and needs. They also know how to wait.

The thing is, it takes consistency and patience to get to a place where the above works, and sometimes it means saying “not now” or even “no!” So, the easiest thing to do is say “Here’s another telly!”

Sometimes what I need is important too.

Absolutely. And any decent partner will understand, respect and support that.

@aSofaNearYou You’re totally right. Some kind of private space to retreat to can be especially important to a stepparent.

Personally (and I’m sure several of the ‘everything must be about the children’ posters will decide I’m an evil stepmother for it) I insist on both our bedroom and the front room being spaces that aren’t open to the children. The bedroom is just off limits entirely (to all the children who can walk and talk and such like - my 7 week old doesn’t count) and the front room is by invitation (for specific purpose) only. There is a whole other, very nice, living room that the children can have the run of. I want somewhere that isn’t littered with toys and full of screaming children climbing all over everything.

My partner allows his children to behave that way. I don’t agree that they should be screaming, fighting, running around and treating the furniture like soft play.

So my compromise is that he can allow them to behave like that in the back living room and their bedrooms, and the front living room can be invitation only (and require better behaviour). It took a bit of persuading to get him to agree to it but he recognised that I shouldn’t have to hide in our bedroom just so I can sit down without his children climbing all over things. It’s important that I don’t feel like I’m under siege every time they’re here.

It does mean that he has to deal with the consequences of his parenting decisions elsewhere. He complains that his children are ‘feral’. I close the door to the front room and let him parent as he chooses elsewhere in the house - with all that brings (and he gets very annoyed at their behaviour). I’d like it if I didn’t have to hear it all (I actually wish the neighbours would be less nice and understanding and complain about the screaming) but I can go elsewhere and stay in my lane.

In fact, he now really values the front room being a space that his children don’t use. He could do something about the behaviour he finds annoying and ‘feral’ of course. But he’s too lazy and permissive for that.

Absolutely @IHateCoronavirus. You’d think having to negotiate use of a shared tv was something dreadfully unfair.

I think though, part of the issue might be that the OP’s partner is of that opinion too. And/or he’s too lazy to teach them how to compromise and negotiate with the shared tv. So he’d probably prefer the TVs in their bedrooms plan.

Personally I wouldn’t want to put TVs in their rooms (for the reasons you outline and because I don’t think it’s a great idea generally - I wouldn’t have one in my room) but I’d see that as an area I can step back and let my partner decide what he wants for his children. So long as they weren’t in my bedroom (or the front room in our house), it’s not my call.

He is a lazy parent and is taking the easy option to sacrifice your personal space to make his life easier. I can't imagine he will suddenly change and start parenting in a different way, you have tried living together for a year and it is not working out, maybe time to consider him moving back out and continue the relationship from separate homes. If this continues you will end up resenting him and the DC.

WooMaWang You have hit the nail
on the head with “Lazy and permissive”

@IHateCoronavirus

WooMaWang You have hit the nail on the head with “Lazy and permissive”

And don’t I know it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am able to just stand back and not interfere in the lazy and permissive parenting because I have spaces it does not intrude upon (or where the intrusion is minimised as much as I can). He is welcome to choose his own parenting style, however much it would not be my choice.

The flip side is that he can also experience the consequences of that parenting style. I can step away and not intervene, which also means not saving him from his own parenting choices.

Seriously, he doesn’t actually enjoy them being here a lot if the time because of how they behave. But he’s so caught up in divorced dad guilt (as well as being quite lazy) that he just lets them be, rather than trying to use any kind of discipline. Except that eventually he gets to the end if his tether and gets very angry.

I have suggested ways of tackling the behaviour so that he doesn’t just ignore things til he’s angry. But they’re his children and it’s not my place to insist that he parents my way. Nor is it my place to parent for him.

@ButternutSquashMe can let her partner make his own parenting choices too, so long as he gives her space where she can do her own thing. Asking for a private bedroom is a fairly minimal request.

I had pretty much the same issue. My kids both have their own room and I cleared my spare room for my partner's son so they could both stay during lockdown. I WFH so it was hard finding quiet space.
Went upstairs a few times to shower and find them both sitting on my bed on the computer (trying to keep out my way to be fair).
I just explained to my partner that my bedroom is my haven and quiet space and very private. I've never let my kids use my room for hanging out. It hasn't even occurred to my partner that it was an issue. It just didn't enter his head and said 'I could have just used his room, couldn't I?' Errr, yeah 😄
Just get a spare tv and boot them all out your room. Draw your boundaries; sometimes people don't realise what's important to you. If they don't like it, there's plenty of rental properties.

I am gobsmacked at the folk here that think that it is old fashioned or weird to teach kids a bit of respect.

You don't do kids any favours by bringing them up believing that they are allowed, or worse entitled to settle down on anyone else's bed without an invitation.

@ButternutSquashMe

If you want privacy, surely you just ask them to then leave?

It's only me and lo so differently scenario, but sometimes lo wants to watch a different programme and uses the tablet. For whatever reason, lo enjoys lounging on my bed. It's a non issue imo.

And given you wouldn't have had an issue with children in the bed, it seems odd to take issue with them on the bed.

I wonder if it's more an issue of it not being your children as such. That's not a step parent dig either.

Likewise I don't think that they should have to watch the film same channels. Why can't either a tablet be made available or a TV in their bedroom(s)? It seems pedantic and unnecessarily confrontational to rule this out just because!

@cooperage but they weren't uninvited there dad let them whose room it is also
So glad i wasn't brought up in some of your houses

@woomayang so you don't allow them even in your front room are they children or animals !! Even my dogs allowed in the frontroom

Why can't either a tablet be made available or a tv in their bedroom(s)

Surely people get that different parents set different limits on screen time/use?

I would never in a million years buy a tv for a child's bedroom. They don't have the discipline to regulate how much they watch it and it's just not an option I would want them to have. I don't particularly want to have to buy my DD a tablet at all, as I've never seen a child get more positive out of one than they do negative, but I understand this might be complicated by school's requiring one. Still, it's something I'll be putting off for as long as I can.

TV has moved on a lot since any of us were kids. Options of what to watch and when used to be very limited, which set a natural cap on how much time the kids could spend watching it. Now, not only can they access pretty much whatever they want whenever they want it, but there's also nothing to stop them watching 24 episodes of Paw Patrol in a row if left unchecked. In my view, having to share a communal TV with others and compromise on what to watch is one of the only natural regulators left when it comes to kids use of tech and is an extremely positive thing.

Obviously in this case, it will be OPs partner's choice whether to buy them another tv or a tablet and he might well choose to. But in my case - I wouldn't buy them a second tv or a tablet because I don't want them to have either of these things, I think it is good for them not to have them.

so you don't allow them even in your front room are they children or animals !! Even my dogs allowed in the frontroom

Well then it's clear that not being allowed in one of the two front rooms isn't a universal rule for animals then and therefore is in no way an indication that pp views her step children as animals 🙄

@Notfeelinggreattoday - I was talking about some of the responses on this thread, not the OP specifically.

I do think that people with little or no experience of blended families and step-parenting have no idea how complex the dynamics can be and how vital mutual respect becomes to keep things harmonious.

My philosophy is not child centric but I love my children as much as my husband and more than any partner that I might have had. I expect that my husband feels the same way about his children. We have children out of our desire for pleasure and a wish to have children. They are created out of our personal and selfish wants and actions for satisfaction on so many levels.

It is not they who are entitled and selfish. They exist because of our desire for pleasure and continuity.

We permit televisions in each bedroom because we have enough control of our children to tell them the hours and times that they are permitted to watch the televisions and other electronic devices. We do not need to deny them devices in order to ensure their compliance with our usage expectations.

For the 2 older girls we do not set bedtimes . As long as they perform well in school, treat family and friends well, attend to all of their music and sports practices , and are on time for school and church, we assume that they are capable of choosing their on bedtimes. When or if they become unable to manage these expectations, we will step in and dictate a bedtime.

Giving them opportunity to make decisions is not creating entitled children but is helping to develop children who are capable of making appropriate decisions. They are becoming good time managers and are learning that their ability to make their own choices is contingent upon them meeting their obligations. They know that freedom and privilege are tied to responsibile actions on their part.

@cooperage mutual respect applies for all families and this was a dispute between op and dp his children didn't just go in their , the dad said they could as he didn't have an issue
And in his upbringing and houses it wouldn't be a problem
But people in here are quick to criticise those if us who allow our children in our rooms as having spoilt , feral children
Mine are neither and they can go in my room to watch tv as we believe in sharing , they wouldn't come in if we were there and generally ask
Same as my son has a pc and if i need to use it i go in his room.
The amount on here who ban their children from even frontrooms I find strange but then most of the people I know don't have the luxury of 2 frontrooms
But the reality is the OP just needs to speak to her DP and between them work out the boundaries if they can't agree then it will make the relationship hard work as if me and dh didn't agree about kids then life would be hard , we sometimes have different opinions and we have to give a little at times but eventually you have to be on the same page

@aSofanearyou no mention of two front rooms I just read one and had visions of children stood in doorways, in my house you have to go through the front room to get to the hallway
I don't know anyone with two front rooms in real life

** through the frontroom to get to kitchen

Nobody is saying that having more than one TV automatically makes children spoilt or entitled, we are saying that having their perceived "need" for a second tv prioritised over somebody else's desire to have a private space in their own bedroom, makes for spoilt and entitled children. Because it is not a need and they are perfectly capable of managing without it.

@Notfeelinggreattoday "OP just needs to speak to her DP and between them work out the boundaries"

Exactly this. In a spirit of mutual respect.

[quote Notfeelinggreattoday]@woomayang so you don't allow them even in your front room are they children or animals !! Even my dogs allowed in the frontroom[/quote]
Ah, I did say it wouldn’t go down well with the ‘won’t anyone think if the poor (step) children’ crowd on MN.

We have two livingrooms. They have the full run of the back room, which I never use as it’s basically the DSC’s space (and always a mess). It would otherwise be a very lovely, and extremely well equipped, living room.

It’s not treating them like animals. It’s actually a response to my DP’s parenting choices. He lets them behave ridiculously in their living room. If he made them behave more appropriately, then maybe we wouldn’t need a space they didn’t take over.

In fact they do get invited into the front room for particular things. They just have to behave properly in it (it’s not a soft play!) and they don’t have the run of it. The same applies to my son.

I grew up in a house with two living rooms. Us kids weren’t allowed in the nice adult one unless invited in. It never bothered me in the least. We had a living room with a tv and bedrooms. And all was lovely.

Incidentally, I don’t allow dogs in my house at all. 4 of the 6 of us have allergies.

To be clear: the front room is literally the room at the front of the house. The other living room is behind it, and leads into the kitchen. It’s a very nice room (when tidy). It’s got a comfortable sofa, a lovely rug, A wood burning stove (which the front room lacks), a large 4K television, several games consoles, lots of books and toys, and plenty of space to play.

No one is being made to sit in the hall in disgrace or whatever.

The DSC also have extremely large, well equipped, nicely furnished and decorated bedrooms. They’re not poor waifs.

But people in here are quick to criticise those if us who allow our children in our rooms as having spoilt, feral children

Actually I think you’ll find that I said my partner describes his own children as ‘feral’ (which reflects his lazy and permissive parenting). And they certainly are very hard work.