My room being off limits - AIBU or is this rule fairly common place

[ButternutSquashMe]

have name changed as a few family members on here! For context, my dc all over 18 and at university.

I had very few rules in my house when my dc were young. Shoes off if you go upstairs, no food in bedrooms and that was it. I never felt it necessary to say 'no lounging in my room' as my dc never did it.

I have a TV in my bedroom, a hangover from being a single parent for years and going to bed and watching TV rather than falling asleep in the lounge. There are no TVs in anyone else's rooms just the big TV in the lounge.

Dp now lives with me and has for a year. His dc are 8 and 10. I WOTH and dp runs his own business which he can do from home. More and more, when I come back from work, one of the dc is lying in bed in my bedroom watching TV. I go into my room to get changed and they don't even move.

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs. But what that does mean is that I don't have my own space if I want to get changed or showered etc. and it essentially means there is nowhere peaceful to sit till they've gone to bed as they are occupying both spaces.

He doesn't think it's an issue but he would enforce it if I pushed. But I just wondered if I was horribly out of date. My kids wouldn't have wanted to sit in my room tbh so never did!

I guess perhaps we might all agree that different practices work well in different homes, and that families can and do have the right to apply those practices that work best for them.

What I find offensive is the suggestion that families that may be mire liberal and flexible with their policies and practices are then producing entitled or unappreciative children.

In my experience , children who are respected, well taught, and exposed to high expectations in terms of behavior, manners, and performance do well regardless of the gadgets and freedoms that they are granted. Children who are taught values, morals , self respect and respect for others tend to grow up to be productive and positively contributing member of society. These outcomes are not tied to strictness and deprivation experienced as children but to the positive attributes and values to which they are exposed as children.

Your children if well taught will honor your imposed bed time regardless of the devices that they have in the bedroom. It is not access to a device that makes them unwilling to follow your instructions. A child who is willing to be disobedient and disregard your imposed bed time does so because that is the choice that he or she is willing to make. The presence or absence of a television does not govern that kind of thinking.

Personally, I would feel as though I were failing my child if the only way that I could teach him or her values and responsibility was through deprivation as opposed to through modeling and imposing reasonable expectations and behaviors.

My children are not entitled because they have certain material goods and some freedom of decision making. They are responsible because the have been taught the value if hard work, are expected to perform well , and are required to have both self respect and regard for others.

We do not love our children less or have less concern about the adults that they will become because we may be more liberal or flexible in the actions that we tolerate .

@Tiredoftattler

Nobody is saying any children with liberal parents and multiple tvs etc are entitled. We are saying that using somebody's bedroom, knowing they don't want you to and want it to be their private space, because you consider your desire to be in there more important, IS entitled behavioir. It wouldn't be entitled if OP was ok with it, but she isn't.

In this case of course the kids may not be aware of OPs feelings, in which case it is their dad being entitled on their behalf, but that is the entitlement people are talking about.

@aSofaNearYou

Why can't either a tablet be made available or a tv in their bedroom(s)

Surely people get that different parents set different limits on screen time/use?

I would never in a million years buy a tv for a child's bedroom. They don't have the discipline to regulate how much they watch it and it's just not an option I would want them to have. I don't particularly want to have to buy my DD a tablet at all, as I've never seen a child get more positive out of one than they do negative, but I understand this might be complicated by school's requiring one. Still, it's something I'll be putting off for as long as I can.

TV has moved on a lot since any of us were kids. Options of what to watch and when used to be very limited, which set a natural cap on how much time the kids could spend watching it. Now, not only can they access pretty much whatever they want whenever they want it, but there's also nothing to stop them watching 24 episodes of Paw Patrol in a row if left unchecked. In my view, having to share a communal TV with others and compromise on what to watch is one of the only natural regulators left when it comes to kids use of tech and is an extremely positive thing.

Obviously in this case, it will be OPs partner's choice whether to buy them another tv or a tablet and he might well choose to. But in my case - I wouldn't buy them a second tv or a tablet because I don't want them to have either of these things, I think it is good for them not to have them.

I'm not sure how old your child is, it sounds as though still very young when suchn"ideals" are de rigeur. I too was a parent that limited tv to 15 minutes a day prior to school....

But there are many ways that majority of what you said is overcome. At 6 my lo now has a tablet. It is locked down. Cannot access anything on the Internet. Can only access games, TV, films that are via the apps I have loaded. Can only use between the hours I have set it to and permit. Has a maximum length of time that it can be used, ONLY after has completed activities that I have set it as being required.
So I think that on the whole your points are moot.

Educationally I have downloaded apps that have really assisted my lo in progressing leaps and bounds in ways that even as a qualified teacher I couldn't manage! Plus now is expected to access certain programmes 3 times a week.

Now I don't disagree that people do let their children have it more than I would. But equally, many households have sky and it running 247,something we don't have.

But I also think that given the age of the ops sc, it's an entirely different ball game to a younger child. So actually I think that tablets or TV are more appropriate. I wouldn't personally have a TV as it is harder to manage whereas the tablet as I described above is controlled by me, including me turning it off from my mobile if I see fit!

@SoloMummy my child is young but my step son is a similar age to OPs so I do have some experience of older children with tech.

I'm not particularly precious, my DD watches more TV than she should, but even in her I've witnessed how the on demand nature of streaming services makes her more demanding of watching the same things over and over than would be an issue if it were never available to her. It has been a constant battle with my step son and his behaviour and focus deteriorates massively when there are tablets around, he is constantly ignoring the people around him. It's something I'm keen to avoid, though I appreciate that they can be controlled and used educationally. It's the obsession I don't want to encourage.

But more to the point, I just appreciate that some choose to be even more avoidant of tech than me, which is why I don't understand why people are finding it difficult to comprehend why a parent might not choose to buy an additional tablet or tv just to solve the issue of two boys not wanting to share the existing one.

Children who are taught values, morals , self respect and respect for others tend to grow up to be productive and positively contributing member of society

That’s good, OPs DSC can respect their SMs need for private space then, can’t they?

Perhaps, OP, her partner , and his children could work towards making it a home filled with mutual respect for all.

In this situation, OP has the controlling ball. The house is one that she owns ,and seemingly she invited the partner and his children to move into her house. It is totally within her control to evict them from her house if she finds living with them to be unacceptable or intolerable.

If she directs them to leave, her house will once again become her complete and total sanctuary. She can continue to date her partner and yet not have her sanctuary violated. A total win for the OP.

Or the kids could just continue to utilise the rest of the house freely while avoiding violating the OPs private space.

Why does it have to be so black and white a bloody dramatic?
Just because my DH and I now jointly own our house doesn’t mean he can now ride roughshod over my need for a small space in the house that I do not share with either his daughter or my son

You are not being unreasonable, your DP is. It’s even more important in step families to have a bit of boundaries and space. It’s your bedroom, it is totally fine to say No.

What isn’t fine, is your DP having a huge go at you. No way would he do that if your were the Mum of his kids. It’s this weird dynamic whereby step mums are expected to have zero say.

@Tiredoftattler

Perhaps, OP, her partner , and his children could work towards making it a home filled with mutual respect for all.

In this situation, OP has the controlling ball. The house is one that she owns ,and seemingly she invited the partner and his children to move into her house. It is totally within her control to evict them from her house if she finds living with them to be unacceptable or intolerable.

If she directs them to leave, her house will once again become her complete and total sanctuary. She can continue to date her partner and yet not have her sanctuary violated. A total win for the OP.

Yes this!

It doesn't bother me if the dc are in my room, I often find someone in there using my charger and watching or playing something on their phone. But if it bothers someone else it doesn't seem remotely unreasonable to say so and ask that it not be done. Surely we are all entitled to feel our own bedroom is a place we feel secure and comfortable in? I'm sure op respects her DC's privacy and can with her DP find a way to explain to them kindly that she needs their respect of hers also?

It’s their home but it’s not their room?! They’ve got absolutely no reason to be in my room?

They just wanted to watch the TV, put a tv in their room.

As pp have said, the kids would be extremely annoyed if their parents entered their rooms, went through their stuff and lounged around on their beds! I respect my kids personal spaces and I expect them to respect mine, they also respect each other’s as they’re not allowed in each others rooms without permission either.

The child had permission from their father, whom I'm assuming shares that room, so it is also his room.

I keep medication in my room, it’s got my jewellery and make up in (I’ve got two girls who are little magpies), I’ve got sex toys and handcuffs in my underwear drawer which I don’t really want them seeing, plus I don’t want them strolling in when I’m with my oh. It’s an adults room

She was just watching TV, we were always allowed in our parents rooms, but we never snooped or searched, we were brought up to not to route through others peoples things.

My kids have got their own bedrooms, the kitchen, dining, conservatory, even the utility and bathroom to lounge in if they so wish

They are not just going it to lounge, she wanted to watch the TV while the one in the lounge was being used.

Again, do people not discuss their expectations before moving kids in and putting them in utterly awkward situations, if OP, you are not on the same page as your partner, you should not have moved him and especially his kids in.

The child had permission from their father, who I'm assuming shares that room, so it is also his room

If the kids shared a bedroom and one of them was happy for OP to hang out in there and the other really valued their space and didn't want her to, should she just do it anyway and ignore the second ones feelings because the first one was ok with it?

She was just watching TV

It's not a communal TV, it's OPs TV in her private bedroom.

If the kids shared a bedroom and one of them was happy for OP to hang out in there and the other really valued their space and didn't want her to, should she just do it anyway and ignore the second ones feelings because the first one was ok with it?

I wouldn't expect my children to be in this situation, I would never have anything in their room I could not provide in my own room, eliminating this issue.

we are talking about adults showing a united front to a child. A child who had been told by their own parent it fine, the problem here is the adults not the child. If they don't have the same values, it should have been discussed before uprooting children.

It's not a communal TV, it's OPs TV in her private bedroom.

Absolutely, the communal TV was being used, so her parent agreed for her to watch the one in his room.

I wouldn't expect my children to be in this situation, I would never have anything in their room I could not provide in my own room, eliminating this issue.

It's a hypothetical, to point out that one out of two people being ok with it is not enough. What if there was an xbox in there OP fancied a go on?

we are talking about adults showing a united front to a child. A child who had been told by their own parent it fine, the problem here is the adults not the child. If they don't have the same values, it should have been discussed before uprooting children.

Indeed, but in the absence of that it's not OPs job to do all the compromise. Her partner should have expected to need to respect her wishes when he moved in with her.

Absolutely, the communal TV was being used, so her parent agreed for her to watch the one in his room.

His and OPs room, knowing she isn't ok with it.

When 2 people share a room ,a home, a business, or whatever, It is generally accepted that they discuss and reach a compromise agreement when there is a difference of opinion or a disagreement.

In this case, not only is this the OP's room , it is actually her solely owned house. If she and her dependent SO cannot reach an agreement , she can ask him and his children to leave.

She can continue to date her SO, but maybe they can be lovers but are not compatible as housemates. These kinds of e expectations and boundaries should be discussed before bringing others into your home.

The children may have been accustomed to being allowed into their parents bedroom, and if this new space was presented to them as their new home, they may have assumed that the same privileges and behaviors remained.

An additional television or asking them to leave seems as though one or the other would solve the OP's issues. I do not think that anyone would say that the OP should be uncomfortable in her own home.

No one is wrong in this situation; they are just 2 people with different points of view.

It's a hypothetical, to point out that one out of two people being ok with it is not enough. What if there was an xbox in there OP fancied a go on?

And I am saying I would not allow that situation to arise, as an adult, I would have everything I needed in my room. The same as i would provide my child with something in their room that was needed to compromise the household.

Indeed, but in the absence of that it's not OPs job to do all the compromise. Her partner should have expected to need to respect her wishes when he moved in with her.

I disagree, both adults should have expressed their boundaries, knowing their are kids involved before inviting them to live there and him accepting. It just the responsible thing to do.
If the partner changes views it's solely his sacrifice, if the OP allows it to continue its her sacrifice. Giving the child another TV to view is a compromise.

His and OPs room, knowing she isn't ok with it.
Yes, so one is ok and one isn't. It's either a sacrifice by each or a compromise by both.

And I am saying I would not allow the situation to arise, as an adult, I would have everything I needed in my room. The same as i would provide my child with something in their room that was needed to compromise the household.

Great. But we're not talking about items that are needed. There is already a TV, they don't NEED a second one. In the same way that if there were two consoles in the house, one of which was in the children's bedroom, and OPs partner was using the one downstairs, OP wouldn't NEED to use the one in the kid'a room if she fancied a go. And if they didn't want her to, then she shouldn't.

Yes of course they could just buy the kids another TV if they are happy for them to have one, and they may well choose to. But if their dad doesn't want them to have a TV in their room, as many parents don't, or (like many people) cannot afford to simply buy their children one each of everything so they never have to share, then the best solution isn't for them to just use OPs bedroom anyway when she doesn't want them to. The best solution is for them to respect her private space regardless, and "cope" with the TV they've got.

There is already a TV, they don't NEED a second one

They don't need one at all, but they choose to have one in the lounge and one in the bedroom. If it caused such discomfort for the OP to have a child on her bed, why not compromise and move that TV into another room, after all it is only a hangover from her single days of going to bed early.

I'm not sure why your imaginary console, is causing an issue when that's not the issue here and I've explained how it would be resolved if it were and adult in the same predicament. If I wanted to use something in my child's room and it could cause a problem, I would just buy one of whatever for my own room.

Yes of course they could just buy the kids another TV if they are happy for them to have one, and they may well choose to

That would of course be the sensible option here

But if their dad doesn't want them to have a TV in their room
Does he not and I missed it or is this just another imaginary Scenario

or (like many people) cannot afford to simply buy their children one each of everything so they never have to share

But the issue here, she isn't being asked to share her parent has no issue with her watching another Tv, sharing is not the issue. If you couldn't afford one, give up the one you don't use and is just a hangover from being single.

then the best solution isn't for them to just use OPs bedroom anyway when she doesn't want them to. The best solution is for them to respect her private space regardless, and "cope" with the TV they've got.

It's both of their bedrooms, not just OPs. So compromise is key, not one party having to sacrifice their opinions and morals for another's.

Or better still find all this out before moving your new fella in with his kids.

"If you want privacy, surely you just ask them to then leave?"

This is the kind of comment you get from someone who has no experience of being a step parent (or who has an easy harmonious relationship with all parts of their blended family).

As a step parent you have the brightest ever spotlight shone on your interactions with your DSCs all the fucking time. The merest sniff of behaviour that could be construed as anything less than 100% welcoming and lovely towards your DSC has you on edge awaiting direct or implied criticism from either the DC's parents or society or the DC themselves. Something as innocuous as asking your DSC to leave your bedroom will swirl round your head for ages afterwards in a way that it wouldn't if it was your own DC. I remember asking (nicely) one of my DSC to pick up a sweet wrapper they'd thrown onto the carpet then DH getting a message from their mum telling me I was not to "discipline" the DSC

@Bournonbiccy I used the example of a console because it is a very similar item to a TV 🤦‍♀️

Tbh I can't be bothered to explain why people might choose not to just buy another TV every time another person in the house doesn't want to share the communal one again, it's so painfully obvious. It's not "obviously" the solution to do so at all, many people have expressed that they would not want their children having one in their room.

And yes, they would/should be asked to share the communal TV, by OP, who is uncomfortable with the level to which they are using her bedroom. Some people on this thread are so utterly convinced that she SHOULDN'T be bothered by this they are completely turning a blind eye to the fact that she is, and therefore it is inappropriate for her partner to steamroll over her wishes to suit himself. If it were something such people could empathise with her not welcoming, nobody would be arguing that when one out of two people isn't comfortable with something, it's fine for the one who is to just go ahead. It's getting ridiculous.

I had no idea that people made their room off limits to children... it strikes me as really weird but also sounds amazing

Tbh I can't be bothered to explain why people might choose not to just buy another TV every time another person in the house doesn't want to share the communal one again, it's so painfully obvious

Yes, painfully obvious, you just give the unused one into another room.

And it is ridiculous for this situation to arise between 2 adults who can't organise this or establish this before moving in together..,simply ridiculous.

Yes, painfully obvious, you just give the unused one into another room

Painfully obvious if

A) OP is perfectly happy to give up the TV that she, not the kids dad, bought. Just because it's not used much doesn't mean it's never used or that she doesn't want it - given that she's mentioned feeling crowded it's not a huge stretch of the imagination that she'd like to be have the option of unwinding upstairs while the kids are downstairs. Adults are allowed to have things they don't share with their kids.

B) The parents want the kids to have access to a TV in their bedrooms, which they would be perfectly reasonable not to.