My room being off limits - AIBU or is this rule fairly common place

[ButternutSquashMe]

have name changed as a few family members on here! For context, my dc all over 18 and at university.

I had very few rules in my house when my dc were young. Shoes off if you go upstairs, no food in bedrooms and that was it. I never felt it necessary to say 'no lounging in my room' as my dc never did it.

I have a TV in my bedroom, a hangover from being a single parent for years and going to bed and watching TV rather than falling asleep in the lounge. There are no TVs in anyone else's rooms just the big TV in the lounge.

Dp now lives with me and has for a year. His dc are 8 and 10. I WOTH and dp runs his own business which he can do from home. More and more, when I come back from work, one of the dc is lying in bed in my bedroom watching TV. I go into my room to get changed and they don't even move.

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs. But what that does mean is that I don't have my own space if I want to get changed or showered etc. and it essentially means there is nowhere peaceful to sit till they've gone to bed as they are occupying both spaces.

He doesn't think it's an issue but he would enforce it if I pushed. But I just wondered if I was horribly out of date. My kids wouldn't have wanted to sit in my room tbh so never did!

Get the kids a TV each for their rooms, with some kind of parental control so they can't hide away and watch unsuitable stuff. Or get them a cheap tablet and download films onto it.

Your bedroom should be your sanctuary, not a second sitting room.

If you're no longer a single parent sidling off to watch TV in bed then surely this is so easily solved by either a) putting your bedroom TV in another room or b) throwing your bedroom TV out.

Personally I hate TVs in bedrooms and am one of those smug not-yet-parents who insists my kids will never have one in their room. I'll be back in circa 10 years with an update on that 😉

This is completely bizarre to me. My mum was never the slightest bit arsed if we went in her room when she wasn't there.

Mind you, she'd barge into our rooms without knocking too. Maybe it's just the way our family was.

Sounds harsh and restrictive.

My Dc do not have a TV in their room, but neither do I!!! I would never let an 8 or 10 year old have a TV in their room - I honestly cannot believe the number of people telling you this is the solution!!!!

You tell your DP that there is one TV in the main Living room for the DC - that is it. He polices it. If he is not happy, then he can move out when he has DC and have a home with 3 TVs??? Or is there another room downstairs that you could have a second TV? We have 2 TV's downstairs but DC either take turns or they watch the same programme.

Oh and OP, you are not being U having a room for you - for God's sake, they all moved in to your home, you are entitled to your own space.

YANBU at all. My kids have never hung out in my room and I wouldn’t let them, it is the one place in the house which is my space and I think that’s perfectly reasonable!

In this situation I wouldn't even be speaking to my DP about it. If I went into the room and they were there I would tell them to leave as it's my space and not to be used by them. If they then go to your DP he can sort it out. For context my DC do not have TVs in their rooms (neither do we, if DP wants to watch stuff he watched on an Ipad), they are not allowed to do their homework in their rooms, it is their chill out space and I always knock before I go in. If they don't want to watch the same thing then they need to come to a compromise - and there is the problem IMO many youngsters are not being taught the art of negotiating and compromising, they just expect to get what they want when the want it - not good.

Thanks all, just wanted to check my parenting wasn't woefully out of date

Will ponder TV arrangements - not sure I'm that keen on them having a tv in their room, I also think they should compromise and find something to watch together but this all happens while I'm at work so it's dp's remit tbh but I will discuss with him and work out a solution

I think you're being very reasonable. My kids are allowed in my room but the rule is that they are not allowed on my bed if it's clean sheets. I like to be the first one to lie on my clean sheets!

Putting a telly in their room seems like an easy fix here.

We all go in each others rooms whenever we want. It seems strange to me that kids arent allowed in their parents rooms.
We put a TV in our room for exactly this reason, to separate the kids sometimes. I didnt want them having a TV in their room yet.

My dc can come into my room as they are family and it's their house. I'm not previous. When my nieces and nephews come over I sometimes throw them up there and stick a movie on while we sit downstairs (and get some peace!). I wouldn't let my dc bring non family members in there. So in my view it depends if you see the children as family or not?

If it annoys you get your dp to buy another tv. Easily sorted.

They'll have to take turns watching what they want on the downstairs telly.

Your room is off limits, a perfectly reasonable desire by you.

Tell your DP to explain it to them and enforce it.

They have moved into your home and now your own bedroom isn't private? That really isn't on.

This ^. I would not accept anyone (other than DH) entering my bedroom, never mind lunging on my bed. This is so not OK.

I'm very sorry.

@Bourbonbiccy

I find it weird when parents don't let their children in their bedrooms, it's their home, no room should be forbidden in my opinion.

I do understand your irritation though, if you want to get changed they should leave. Why not just buys another TV??

It’s their home but it’s not their room?! They’ve got absolutely no reason to be in my room? As pp have said, the kids would be extremely annoyed if their parents entered their rooms, went through their stuff and lounged around on their beds! I respect my kids personal spaces and I expect them to respect mine, they also respect each other’s as they’re not allowed in each others rooms without permission either. I keep medication in my room, it’s got my jewellery and make up in (I’ve got two girls who are little magpies), I’ve got sex toys and handcuffs in my underwear drawer which I don’t really want them seeing, plus I don’t want them strolling in when I’m with my oh. It’s an adults room. My kids have got their own bedrooms, the kitchen, dining, conservatory, even the utility and bathroom to lounge in if they so wish

No kids - SC or DD get to hang out in my room. They have their own rooms.
We had the TV conflict with the older kids but were lucky enough to have some extra space downstairs where we had a sofa bed for guests and put a 2nd TV there.

@liverbird10

This is completely bizarre to me. My mum was never the slightest bit arsed if we went in her room when she wasn't there.

Mind you, she'd barge into our rooms without knocking too. Maybe it's just the way our family was.

I grew up in care and the rules always were to ask permission to enter another’s bedroom. Its been normal for me growing up, but I actually think it’s a good idea which is why I’ve implemented it with my children. I know on occasions when Ive let the rules slide, there’s been murder with the kids. Always GET OUT OF MY ROOM or WHOS BEEN IN AND TAKEN THIS!! 😂😂

I assume you’re in Liverpool liverbird. I’m in dovecot

I'm amazed that so many people's suggested solution is a tv in each of their rooms at 8 and 10 years old. Don't do that, they will spend their teenage years shut away. They need to take it in turns to decide what is on the tv in the lounge, it's good for them to have to compromise and not get their own way all the time. They are still young enough to enjoy toys so if one really doesn't want to watch what the other does then they can always play and get their choice another time.

Its not even their home technically its dad's GIRLFRIENDS home im ok (ish) with my kids in my room but not everyone else's my own kids im happy saying hop it poppit or turn your back im getting changed but again not infront of children ive not actually given birth too

DP sounds a bit of a wet blanket get them to share

@Scweltish I moved away from my hometown when I was a kid, still hoping to get back home some day!

If I had kids I would knock on their doors too! I suppose Mum wasn't raised that way herself so didn't think anything of it. Ah well.

@Dinosaurpooped

Sounds harsh and restrictive.

I know! Imagine coming home tired from work, waiting to get changed, have a shower and unwind in your own room and someone else’s child is lounging on your bed watching your tv because your partner can’t be arsed to parent his kids and won’t even move so you can get undressed.

My mum was never the slightest bit arsed if we went in her room when she wasn't there.

OP is not their mum. Her own DC weren’t allowed to do what her DP is letting his kids do.

Bedrooms are private.
Can they get a tablet and stream a TV in a separate room, or your DP buys a TV for their room?

Sounds like your dp uses the tv as childcare. He wont keep them out of the bedroom because them being in the bedroom is easier for him. You need to say specifically the bedroom is out of bounds and that he is to ensure that happens.

I’ll often come upstairs to find DD(6) lounging on my bed with the iPad. It doesn’t bother me at all as long as she doesn’t bring loads of toys in that then stay in there. I’d feel mean banning her from our room. I’ll often suggest she goes in there when she’s feeling overwhelmed.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable but not about the changing. They should leave if you ask them to.