My room being off limits - AIBU or is this rule fairly common place

[ButternutSquashMe]

have name changed as a few family members on here! For context, my dc all over 18 and at university.

I had very few rules in my house when my dc were young. Shoes off if you go upstairs, no food in bedrooms and that was it. I never felt it necessary to say 'no lounging in my room' as my dc never did it.

I have a TV in my bedroom, a hangover from being a single parent for years and going to bed and watching TV rather than falling asleep in the lounge. There are no TVs in anyone else's rooms just the big TV in the lounge.

Dp now lives with me and has for a year. His dc are 8 and 10. I WOTH and dp runs his own business which he can do from home. More and more, when I come back from work, one of the dc is lying in bed in my bedroom watching TV. I go into my room to get changed and they don't even move.

I spoke to dp and said I'd prefer it if our (I call it my but it is ours now!) room was off limits to his kids. He said they argue about what to watch on TV so one watches upstairs and one watches downstairs. But what that does mean is that I don't have my own space if I want to get changed or showered etc. and it essentially means there is nowhere peaceful to sit till they've gone to bed as they are occupying both spaces.

He doesn't think it's an issue but he would enforce it if I pushed. But I just wondered if I was horribly out of date. My kids wouldn't have wanted to sit in my room tbh so never did!

@AnneLovesGilbert I think I love you Your replies are spot on.

It’s not own child vs step child. It’s not double standards. OP never let her own dc hang out in her bedroom. That’s how she feels. And that rule should hold for her dc. Sorry kids John and sally were never allowed in here and nor are you, it’s my bedroom not a hang out zone.
I would never buy a tv for an 8 or 10yos bedroom. But that may be dps solution when the op says bedroom is verboten. (although if you never actually watch it anymore I would consider moving it out of your bedroom)

My kids always came in, similar situation with the tv. They did leave if I asked but to be honest I changed in front of them anyway (2 girls)

Some really odd responses in here. No way would I have my children or stepchildren sprawled out in my bed when I got home from woork. I assume you aren't in their beds reading a book when they get home from school?

So imagine a woman posts on here that her kids’ dad’s new girlfriend - because that’s what she’d be called - was undressing in front of her 8 and 10 year olds. Do you think she’d be told it was fine, or do you think she’d be told she was right, this women barely knows her poor innocent kids, how very dare she, she should know her place, it’s completely inappropriate and she should stop contact immediately?

OP wants to use her bedroom as she chooses. To find it empty when she gets home from work. To change her clothes in peace, have a shower, watch her tv, unwind and enjoy her own space. She might be a stepmum, or dating a man with kids at any rate, but she’s a person who deserves her privacy as and when she wants it. She gets a tv in there because she’s as adult. The kids can take it up with their dad if they’re not able to agree on what to watch. Like I said, we have one tv and if my step children can’t compromise and start scrapping no one gets to watch it. They still come over, they respect the rules, I’m saving up for high quality psychotherapy for them in case of unforeseen emotional damage just in case

We are lucky enough to all have our own bedrooms. I agree with pp, I would never lounge about in the DC's bedroom. We all knock before we go into bedrooms and have personal space.

DS occasionally asks if he can watch his pad in my bedroom. I love him with my whole heart but there is no way I would want his teenager body in the bed making my lovely clean sheets smell like Lynx Bullet (at best).

I wouldn't put a TV in a bedroom. As you already have one in their I wouldn't take it it because your dp cannot set reasonable limits and support your needs.

Also my DC hardly ever watch TV,. Unless it's a series we are all watching, they mostly watch stuff on their pads or phones.

This doesn't sound like a SC issue. The op wants to have the same boundaries as when her own DC were at home. Sounds 100% reasonable to me.

My kids sometimes go into my room to watch the tv when they want to watch something in sky box as 2nd box is in our room
Could you not put a second tv elsewhere so they can watch different programmes
I don't mind my dc going into my room personally

Maybe her do isn't being lazy he just doing what he may of done previously
Personally i think its strange that so many insist no ine can go in their room
I wouldn't expect my dc to barge in and we knock on doors etc but if i wasn't home and they wanted to watch tv then its no problem if i wanted to get changed i would chuck them out
Also it may be the OP's home but surely once agreed that dp moved in and his dc it then becomes their home or do they forever be made to feel they are just guests and its not home for them

Also i love all the people who don't allow tv in bedrooms but ids watch youtube or whatever on a laptop or Ipad - same difference

@Backforgood and in the real world most of us don't have 2 rooms downstairs and many dc have ti share bedrooms

And actually i turf my kids out of their rooms when guests come to stay
My kids maybe allowed in my room but they understand boundaries and wouldn't dream if going in anyone elses rooms at their house as others suggest
All the dp isn't parenting his children , Op mentioned he worked from home and he doesn't have a problem with dc in the bedroom as he just has different beliefs

I'd have stamped down on this the first time it happened. Your partner needs to teach them basic manners.

@Bluntness100

I don't want other people lounging all over my bed

They are your children, not “other people”

I just don’t understand the way some folks view their own kids at all.

They are not her children! Her own children weren't allowed to do this and they are now adults. These are her boyfriend's children.

Our kids are taught to knock on any closed door in the house before entering. If their doors are closed, we knock before entering.
We have no problem with them going into our bedroom if we are not there. We do not have any off limit rooms in our home, but we do have a strict regard for respecting the privacy of s closed door.

We also have televisions in every bedroom. TVs are so inexpensive now that it just makes sense and it permits everyone the opportunity to watch the program or movie of their choice.

It must be difficult to manage a home where one partner is fine with the kids going into the bedroom and wants to encourage. that kind of relaxed home environment , and yet the other partner objects.

I can imagine in a house where both parties contribute to the mortgage that both parties would think that their respective opinions should be given equal weight. The objecting parties opinion should not necessarily be the controlling opinion . The OP and her husband should try to reach a compromise. His need for a relaxed environment may be as important to him as her need for a sanctuary is to her.

If the kids are coming solely for the television, it just makes sense to make a second television available .

Do they have tablets or phones?

My kids take over the whole house, so I prefer my room to be just for me. I have my work stuff in there, so I don't want things getting broken.

It seems the attraction is the TV rather than the room itself, so it's fairly easy to solve in this case.

Tbh I think the issue here is communication. As much as people are saying to the OP that it’s her home, it’s her dp’s home as well given they are living together. If his DC were always allowed in his room before he moved in with the OP, then perhaps he didn’t think he needed to ask, given this is also his room.

And before anyone says that “no, it’s not their home, it’s their dad’s girlfriend’s home,” he lives there. Therefore it’s also his home, and by extension their home. If an OP posted that she’d moved in with her partner and he’d said that it wasn’t actually her’s or her children’s home people would be telling her that he’s making it clear where she stands in his life.

That being said, if the OP doesn’t want kids in the master bedroom then she needs to have the conversation with her DP about it. She did say after all that he would agree if she pushed it, so the answer is simple.

And over my dead body would a ten year old be getting a television in their bedroom. Mine got one at fifteen, and even then it was freeview only.

We have the same set-up - TV upstairs in our bedroom only and similar-ish aged DC. They can watch in our room if they ask, specifically, but we generally expect them to compromise downstairs & take turns or use a tablet in their rooms (daytime only). I don’t want to give them permanent TVs in their bedrooms. I kick them out if I want my bedroom - and they’re my DC, so I’d definitely feel odd about step-children being so entitled.

My kids are not allowed in my bedroom. It's the only space in the house that's free of sticky fingers.

You shouldn't have TV's in bedrooms, anyway, especially kid's bedrooms. It's really bad for sleep, which has all sorts of health and psychological consequences.

I think it depends.

Did you stay at his house prior to him moving in with you? Did the children always have access to his bedroom prior to them moving in with you? If the answers are yes then I think YABU, if the answers are no then I think YANBU.

Personally in our house I love my kids coming in and jumping in to bed with me in the mornings or snuggling up to read a book to them under the doona at any time and I know they love it just as much so to think of banning them from the bedroom doesn't sit well with me at all.

My children are 8 and 3 and I hope they continue to feel welcome in my room for many more years yet.

My dc are not banned from our room but I would not want them just hanging out in it. They come in if they wake up before we are up now they are teenagers that never happens if they want to chat and one of us is in there or on Christmas Day to open presents. Our room is essentially not as interesting as their rooms. I think either put the TV in the loft and let them fight it out for the one TV or get them to stream programs on a tablet/ laptop. Maybe it can be sold to the 10yr old as a special dispensation.

Out of interest what happens in their mother's home? Is dp playing Disney dad and trying to always be the good guy while their mother picks up the grunt work of managing arguments because they always get their own way? Spoilt children can be hard work, it may well just be this issue but if they are generally indulged then this could be the tip of an iceberg.

My children has always used my room for the second TV. I don't kind at all, but if I want to be in there I just ask them to leave. They have tablets with the Skygo app on if they want to watch something in their own rooms.

Only DS3 is allowed in our room, and that’s only because he’s 7 weeks old and he sleeps there too. The other children all have their own rooms and there’s plenty of space downstairs too. They don’t need to be in our room. They have to have permission from whoever’s room it is to be in each other’s rooms too.

We have two living rooms too, and they aren’t allowed to play in one of them. They’ve got the run of the other one, but it gives us a space that’s not covered in their crap and somewhere to go from respite from the DSC’s relentless screeching and fighting. Tbh, I never use their living room either, nor do I generally go in the DSC’s bedrooms. DP does because he’s more likely to be doing something with them in there. I don’t go in unless I have a reason to be there.

None of the older DC ever have a reason they need to be in our room, so it makes no difference that they’re not allowed in there. DP doesn’t want them in here either.

And they have to ask for snacks (which they almost never get) because the DSC would just gorge on snack and never eat any real food. That’s not an exaggeration. DSS is only 3; he’s got no ability to self regulate his food intake. My DC have always asked for food if they’re hungry between meals too - but neither of the older ones ever really are. DS2 will have something to eat (usually a sandwich and fruit, so like a second lunch) before he goes off to do 2 hours of training but doesn’t snack otherwise. I’ve never been a snacker really. In fact, there’s very little snack food in the house. It’s just not something we need.

I’m not sure that being asked to respect other people’s space and privacy is a bad thing. Nor is grazing in snacks a necessity for happy life.

If other people want less privacy that’s up to them. But it isn’t wrong or joyless. I grew up in a mostly privacy free house (my sister would even go into the bathroom as a teenager while my mum was on the toilet etc) and I hated it. Having DC that jump into your bed whenever they like is not for everyone.

It’s even more reasonable when there are SDC. Frankly I’d find it weird to have DSC climbing into our bed. My DSes would most definitely not want to get into bed with me and DP, or even hang out in our room.

I prefer a private bedroom.
DP can get a cheap tv for his dc, install it and monitor it's use. Any abuse of privilege and it gets taken away.

thanks all - not sure re their mum's house. Though I am on good terms with her, I haven't discussed this in detail. As mentioned, I'm not distinguishing between my dc and step dc, mine simply never did this, and they still got into bed with me for cuddles at that age but they never used my bedroom as a lounge (and we lived in a far smaller house then!).

will speak to dp - I think he needs to encourage them to compromise. It's not that hard in the greater scheme of things!

YANBU its your choice and the only space you have. Ds has his own room and dd and dsd share, quite an age gap so when my little girl goes to bed I let dsd lay in my bed with a book, gives my little one chance to get to sleep and dsd has some time to herself until she is ready to go to bed (she just takes herself off to bed when she is tired)