Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

I never bet on a sure thing... 😣

@Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo

I'd hate to sound cynical.....but who wants to join me in a wager DSD doesn't return to the day before school starts at the earliest?

I’m starting to doubt that she’ll return at all

Just read the thread from start to now. How utterly awful.

I think if I were you I'd chase SS again. Tell them he chucked you out incl DSD for however long it was. Send them an updated diary of events. Pester them to DO something.

How on earth does he run a business and build things without being able to use a card machine? How does he pay for things? Why can't he do a supermarket shop for the family? It's unbelievable

I’m currently in hospital, went for a check up this afternoon and BP was sky high😫 probably didn’t help that I’d had a huge row with DSD’s mother before hand. She came to pick her up for her poxy few hours contact and had the cheek to pass comment on the state of my kitchen that I’d just been making myself, OH and the three DC’s lunch in. She’s had some home truths and had the cheek to tell me that she’s basically doing what we do every week during term time. Which by the way is utter bollocks, you know, minus most meals, laundry, activities, homework, ensuring she’s clean/showered and putting her to bed after calming her down about the utter waste of space her mother is.

Anyway DSD has t gone back with her mother. OH tried telling his ex that she’d have to take DSD back as I’m in hospital but she point blank refused and he said that he didn’t want to cause a scene in front of DSD and make her feel unwanted 🤣🤣 oh the fucking irony. It’s like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted. Or have you not noticed what’s fucking state your own daughter has been in for the last few months?

Focus on your health, and tell your waste of a husband to sort the children!

Sorry to say I told you so, OP, but I knew this would happen and I said as much. Your husband is pathetic. Stay put and get well. And tell him he needs to do everything you've been doing now or you'll ring social services about all the kids this time.

I hope you're ok OP. Try and rest while you are in hospital. Your husband really needs to step up now.

OP
You must take care of your health now .
Additionally you must leave this man now .
This will not get better and you owe it to your own children to focus on them and be the best mother you can be to them .
They deserve your full attention.
You’re drained not only from being pregnant but from constantly trying to deal with your DSD and her lazy ineffective parents .
You mean well but that’s not your problem to solve . You are limited in that area regardless of your thoughts , opinions etc
. They have the legal rights etc re custody etc . Don’t think you’ll ever solve this - you won’t . It will go on ad infinitum ..
While that situation plays out , your children are there needing you .

I have been a step mother, leaving DH and giving my daughter my undivided attention was the best thing I ever did for her and me .

Please take care ..

You need to take care of yourself now, you need to be well for your own biological children.
It's time for an ultimatum.
Your H needs to take the SD & keep her permanently. the XW can see her EOW if she can be bothered, or, you leave with your children.

Oh gosh, User, are you OK? I hope this gives you a good rest and brings home to your oh that he's not pulling his weight and wakes him up.

Keep well

OP I‘m sorry you’re poorly and hope you get better soon but at the same time I’m glad that at least this will help to bring things to a head for your DH to finally sort something out.

💐☕️🍰

In the nicest possible way I hope this is a wake up call for OH but most importantly you. You aren't a machine and you can't do everything it's that simple.
It's critical now and you are harming yourself and your baby.
Your DSD May feel pushed out if you send her back to her mums but without sounding harsh it's tough. You can't please everyone and that's so clear. You can't fix this problem so you need to leave it alone.
Stand up to OH and tell him you are not doing anymore and if he doesn't stand up to his ex then you will or you leave.
Arrangement goes back to EOW and then shared during the holidays.
If I were you OP even when you feel abit better absolutely milk it, get him running around after you and the kids let him feel absolutely exhausted.
It's easy for us all to tell you to leave him but realistically I know it doesn't work like that when you've built a home and a family and clearly you do have love for this man to be having another child with him and I'm pretty sure you are clinging onto the good things and that's ok but when it's making you and your baby ill you have to re-evaluate. I've been in your position and now I'm abit older I just wish someone advised me to leave sooner. I waited until I'd been unhappy for 13yrs so just think about everything and how things are going to be long term because this problem is always going to be there (at least until DSD is 18)
Who has your children whilst you are in hospital? Are you ok now? I hope it's nothing serious.
Sending lots of love 💕

Have only just read this but wanted to say I hope you are doing OK and so is the baby.
If OH is a bit calmer at work and DSD is home now and will be going to school let's hope it all gets your BP down!

Oh, OP, please rest and be cared for and feel better very soon.

As PP said, you are not a machine.

There are three adults here and one is in hospital. Time for the other two to grow up and solve some problems.

for you....

Oh and mother of the year can wait outside when collecting her daughter. Then she won’t need to comment on your house.

Exactly at @MeridianB I'd never let my ex in my house and I'd never expect to go in his unless invited in and would never ever be so rude to comment on someone's house. She's vile

Sorry you’re in hospital again. This situation sounds so hard but from what you’ve written you have been incredible through it all. DSD is so lucky to have you. I hope you’re feeling better soon and that OH is able to step up whilst you’re in hospital.

If dad is with you September please get her some counselling to work through her feelings

How are you today op?

Thanks everyone, I’m on new meds now and BP seems to have stabilised. DSD has gone to stay with her auntie until Saturday when she will go back to her mums, ready for school on tuesday. I wasn’t too keen on the idea, thought she should just stay here until her mum could have her back but OH and his not wanting to rock the boat .....

I'm sure her Auntie will do a better job than her mum so don't worry yourself. You're spending too much time worrying about other people and you need to focus on yourself and the baby.

It's very clear your H is unable to look after any of kids on his own.

If you have family members that can occasionally help with your kids ...please do that and get some rest.

In the long term (DSD or not) .... you may want to think about whether you will be able to live the life you want with your H.

Would you want your daughters to live your life?...Again...your SD is one issue and a major one I understand...but leaving her asides... would you want your DDs to have the marriage and future you have ?

Particularly DSD is frequently violent

I hope things settle down for you once DSD is back at school and in a routine but I would definitely put my foot down and say it's EOW and split in the holidays. You aren't a free babysitter and the next school holidays at the end of October you will be very nearly due to have your baby and will have enough to deal with. SAY NO!!
if OH has something to say tell him to bollocks and step up and be a dad, if he wants her he's got to deal with her.
It sounds like he's only adamant on having her for show, to show people he has her and make DSD think he's a good dad so she can't poison DSD but let's face it he's shit and doesn't know half of what goes on as he's not there.