Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

@RandomMess yes I totally agree, I’ve said this all along! During normal times she must barely get any 1:1 time with her mum.

It’ll be up in the morning, dressed, school, after school clubs, dinner, wash and then bed and then every weekend she’s with us. Most holidays her mum will only have her if she’s going to see her relatives or friends who still live in this locality. And then she drops her straight back with us so they’re barely getting any time together.

I was about to ask the same question about whether dad is NT. my 7 year old washed herself fully. It doesn't sound like normal behaviour from a 10 yo (I have one of those too) however it could be a result of 2 totally absent parents and no structure wrt seeing her mum. Don't ask her if she wants to see her, that's a tough decision for a child especially if the decision comes with some guilt. DH needs to say you are going to your mums on Monday as she misses you. We will miss you too of course and we'll see you in 2 weeks. He needs to contact ex and say that dd will be coming home - everyone seems to be waiting for someone else to make the decision. Pops dad probably feels unwanted

@RandomMess no but at the moment it is what it is. He’s a farmer, he can’t just cut his workload down, he can’t employ anyone else even part time as right now he can’t really afford to. It’s difficult on all of us but he’s just starting out on a new business venture which means all of his spare time is tied up, it should make things easier for us in the long run.

My last post was a bit of a cross post - shower time pop the shower on for her. Come in to bathroom with her and say this one is shampoo i'l pop it in front so you know to use it first and this one is conditioner, I'll pop it behind so you know to use it second - take away opportunities to ask and tell her how proud you'll be if she manages all by herself

@midnightstar66 FWIW it was SIL who asked if she wanted to see her mum. I would never ask her a question like that for fear of making her feel unwanted. I think it’s as a result of unstructured and inefficient parenting and yes, you’re right, everyone’s waiting for someone else to make the decision.

What job does your other half do that brings him home at 10pm or midnight? Do you think he's deliberately staying late so he doesn't have to do anything at home?

He's a lazy neglectful parent. Ask him why he keeps creating children when he takes little notice of them once they're here.

Just put your stepdaughter in the car abd drive to her mum's. Dad isn't even helping - what's stopping you?! Pull up outside the door and say cheerily "bye bye dsd, time for mummy now!"

Then you can get back to contemplating exactly why you are having MORE children with this man

@pinkyredrose, he’s a farmer and for the last couple of months has been taking down a huge agricultural building, concreting and slatting a floor and then will have a new, bigger building to put up where the old one was for his new business venture that will, hopefully make life easier for us on the long run. He also has 600 sheep and their lambs and 60 cows and their calves to see on a daily basis which is a 35/40 mile round trip. He’s also working on an extension to our house so to be fair to him, his busting his balls right now to give us all a better quality of life but I agree, putting it lightly, his parenting isn’t up to scratch.

@livefornaps I what the coil fitted. This baby was never meant to be.

I sympathise with both of you, sounds like 2 pretty shit parents are at fault but you probably need to put your foot down now for yours and dad's sake. As I said present it as we'll miss you so much it so does your mum and you guys need to spend time together too (can't even imagine why this isn't actually the case, I hate when my dc go to their dads and that's just EOW)

*dsd's sake - definitely not dads sake lol

I think you're in a very difficult position. At 10 she should be able to wash herself. My dc are 6 and 8 and other than a reminder to wash under their arms etc. We leave them to it. They wash their own hair etc. However she does sound like she wants the attention. It must be hard if she's picking up on the issues that her mum isn't bothered but seeing her. She's lucky she's got you really. At least she's got one adult in her life who is a caring for her. My dc 8 is having tantrums at the moment. It's such a difficult time and everyone is getting fed up. You need to speak to your dh. Tell him things need to change. He needs to speak to her mother.

If she was yours, you wouldn’t be able to just ship her off. I say that because you don’t want to make her go, that’s off the table so no point in obsessing over it.

Do get the coil fitted because frankly, you’re single parenting. And it’s silly to keep having children with a man who doesn’t want them!

For now, don’t do his paperwork. He’s tired. So are you. So he’ll have to do it himself or parent his three children for a while.

In terms of practicality you need to demand that he speaks to his daughter about growing up a bit. She can shower herself. Schoolwork shouldn’t take that much supervision unless there are issues there. She can fend for herself and even the little one with snacks and simple things like sandwiches.

Both girls can do chores suitable to their level, too.

What I’m saying is: stop martyring yourself. Get some solid routines in place and stick to them.

Slow cooker/batch cooking will help too.

I meant he sounds absent when his there physically... doesn't now how to respond to the DC etc

If you can't cope, you can't cope. Put it back to him. Don't let him make excuses. He needs to speak to his ex about a fairer split.

Being a farmer isnt an excuse to be a terrible parent

Your DSD is crying out for parental attention - he needs to give it

I feel some sympathy for DSD. Neither parent wants to spend any time with her. She's clearly doing attention seeking behaviour and wants to stay with you because she's probably lonely with her mum, who does nothing with her.

I'd have a chat with you DH first and have him sort out the next time she goes to her mum's. If he won't do this, then I would call the mum to facilitate the stay. Then I'd sit DSD down and let her know that her mum misses her and wants to see her. Let her know the plans.

I'd also have that chat about everyone in the family helping out and doing their bit. For her that means being more independent because she's got younger siblings which need caring for and she's old enough to do for herself. Maybe a bit of tough love is necessary?

I feel very sorry for both you and your dsd. It sounds like both her parents are absent and she’s controlling maybe because of low self esteem. You must be exhausted. Could you reach out to her mum? It could be that her home life with mum is so poor she feels safer and happier with you.

I agree with @OhCaptain

All the kids should be getting with the house and family in an age appropriate way. Routines and meal planning are needed.

Getting = helping

Oh my word op.
I know the stable door has bolted but why on earth are you having another child with this man?
You criticise your dsd's mum for lack of involvement yet go on to say that that her dad is never there for her! Can you not see the double standards.
If he is out of the house until 10pm or later, when does he see his children?
You have a serious dh problem here.
You might as well be a single parent, at least then you might get a free full weekend off whilst your dh learns to parent his OWN children.

I don't have advice except to say either suck it up or leave him for a few days, alone with the kids.

I don't think your DSD is the real issue here. You say a lot about how exhausting it is looking after her, but very little about the other DC. I am sure they are more work than the 10 year old. The issue is that you are being left to do too much without support. That is what needs to change. It is no good your DH putting in lots of hours to benefit you all in the future, when you need his support now. These are not normal times and childcare has become much more of a job than it usually is. He is going to have to find a way to support you more somehow. Alternatively can your Mum come and help you out to give you a bit of a break?

Also I imagine your dsd enjoys spending time with her siblings. If I were you I would go out, alone for at least several hours and leave your dh with all his kids. Who's idea was it to have another child?

The shower activity is attention seeking. My 3 yr old could wash in shower, I did supervise a bit esp the shampoo rinse (as that req'd a face cloth held over shut tight eyes!) & checked all was done prop before finishing! Her parents are both ignoring her. You know she is not the problem, it is her DF & DM...both of them are passing the buck. Her DM sounds like she couldn't be bothered spending time with her. Who wd just leave a 10yr old weeks on end & not see them & no arrangement for her to come home. I'd want mine home after 2 nights away. You sound great OP & I get your frustration & weariness with it all. Why don't you just tell your OH you need a break & are taking DDs to your Mum (or sis if you have one, somewhere) for a few days. If you can? I'm not in UK so not sure about restrictions. Tell him his DD1 is staying with him as he loves every opportunity to have her but he needs to mind her if that is the case. I can see the wfh is impractical for him ...so he needs to pay for someone to help on the farm...or pay for someone to help you at home. He can't expect this all to continue & you get worn done to the bone. You seem to really care for your DSD1 & not want to hurt her in any way & therefore addressing this may feel like you don't want her around...which is not what you are saying, I understand. But don't let your OH & her DM treat their child & you this way. It'll end up in all sorts of resentments.

Don’t underestimate the power of giving dsd some responsibility with the little ones, too.

If it’s her job to get the fruit and yogurt at 11am for the school break (for example) and praise her for it, you’ll all benefit immensely. That’s just one tiny example of what you could do.