Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

user1488481370

Apologies for getting my wires crossed.

Unfortunately at some point there is going to be a realisation that other children’s parents work and still manage to look after their children. That it doesn’t cost anything to sit and chat with your child and spend time with them.

I think I would be at the point of turning round to Dsd when she said she’s raised me and she’s going to paint my bedroom but I’ve done nothing for her

Replying with the question, how could she do anything for her when she doesn’t see her for months on end.
She is the child here and her mum and dad should be moving heaven and earth to live with her.

Hopefully SS will get her to see the light in not so harsh a way but at some point dsd is going to realise the truth and then she will need all the support she can get.

OP, I've just read your whole thread.. You are a truly unique person. She is 10 now, her mum is her whole world, but she will remember what you did for her. Soon she will realise that just because that woman is her biological mum, you are more of a mother to her. Your DH is a piece of shit. Once you had your baby and there is some clarity with DSD situation I would certainly get divorced. If you can stay somewhere else until the baby is born would be even better

So most people whose child was kidnapped would call the police... why have neither of her parents done this.

Does her DSDsmum have mental health issues? Or is she just a selfish, neglectful parent? Her behaviour is beyond any kind of normal.

The loyalty this little girl has for her mum is unwavering, no matter how hard she’s kicked by her she keeps coming back trying harder and harder to be loved or even liked more.

I know it seems hard to understand...but this is normal in her position as a child.

I've known adults still be so close to their mum and love them, even though they didn't believe them following sexual abuse in childhood.

I think I would completely cut ties with my DM if she did that.... but even as adults... they crave the acceptance and approval of their mothers.

Is all so very sad.

Rooting for you, OP.

Their behaviour is beyond belief.

I truly hope you can get some respite, even just through a change of scene.

The loyalty this little girl has for her mum is unwavering, no matter how hard she’s kicked by her she keeps coming back trying harder and harder to be loved or even liked more.

This is so sad OP.

Unfortunately being starved of affection and contact by her mother is making her crave it even more.

She can't possibly begin to comprehend why her mother is like this so she thinks the problem is with her and will be fixed if she somehow does the right thing.

To do that she needs to be with her mother to prove how lovely she is.

It's awful for you because it's virtually impossible to explain to her that it's her mother whose at fault without being seen to vindictive.

In a way it would be easier if he mother was more available but negligent as she'd be better placed to see her mother for what she is.

I just wanted to say I think you're response to all this is incredible and I sincerely hope you get the support from social services that you and your DSD are in so desperate need of.

Your poor dsd. And you and your dd’s. Your dh and is ex are behaving appallingly, no wonder dsd is behaving the way she is.

Poor little girl is trying to make sense of adults that simply don’t. All the hype about parents says that they love you and put you first. Mums (especially Mums) love you more than everything. They would die for you, take a bullet, etc. This is what happens on every tv show she watches, just about.... Parents don’t just swan off and wave jauntily out the car window when they drive past, after not having seen or spoken to their kid in weeks. Parents don’t dump someone they value in the care of someone they don’t have a nice word to say about (and also expect the kid to despise) and expect that child to genuinely feel valued. This child is desperately trying to hang onto the fantasy world where the parents are living up to the “SHOULDS” because her reality is far too painful to accept. Neither of her actual parents could be arsed dealing with her, and the only person around who is stepping up and showing any genuine care and concern is you.

Are you still with friends OP?
What's OH had to say about all this has he faced up to reality or still burying his head?
If mum was that concerned about you "kidnapping" DSD then why hasn't she collected her or the police been contacted?
She is a complete waste of oxygen.
I hope you are managing to get some rest 🙂

I’m reading this and it makes me so sad for you and your dsd, there is a series of books by Jacqueline Wilson about Tracey Beaker. The tv program is the dumping ground, some similar themes for your dsd there.

Unfortunately my ds has self esteem issues probably from his useless father, you can help but not solve the problem. I try to build his resilience as my mother was awful. I think that cahms could help but there’s a long waiting list if the need isn’t urgent. Like at risk of self harm or prison. Perhaps counselling from the gp ?

I’m back with OH. Friend had family coming to stay so I knew I’d be back at some point.

I’ve been accused of making ex look bad by slating her in the village shop by her best friend. Not so, they asked how long we’d had DSD for. I said 3 months. It’s the truth. They’ve drawn their own conclusions. Ex is the only one making herself look bad here.

I’ve had SIL gunning for me - she always sticks up for her idiot brother and finds excuses for him. Of course I’m in the wrong, it’s the situation everyone’s in, I just have to put up with it, can’t run away from it all the time blah blah blah. Coming from the woman whose step daughter barely bothers with her and her husband because of how she was treated. Such hypocrites.

I understand how DSD is feeling with regards to being abandoned and neglected. My dad did the same to me, used me to get back at my mum then dropped me like I was hot when his girlfriend decided she didn’t want me in their home anymore. He would come and pick me up and take me out (quite like DSD’s mum has been doing) and his gf would ring/text him constantly, start an argument and he’d have to go back. However this is worse, it would’ve affected me so much more had it been my mum who abandoned me like that.

How can you make someone look bad by telling the truth.

Love to know why your SIL thinks you have to put up with anything. She might act the martyr and live a life she doesn’t want it doesn’t mean you have to

@Oliversmumsarmy exactly. She’s making herself look bad.

SIL lives an incredibly controlled life. Her husband is vile, rings her at 12 on the dot every day on their landline, they have a phone that’s attached to the wall so her husband knows she’s in the house. If she isn’t in the house for 12, so if she’s in the garden doing some gardening etc then he’ll ring her mobile, shout and her and demand she sends him a text to let him know she’s in the house and then he’ll ring the landline so he knows she’s definitely in the house. She’s not allowed to work, have friends, go out etc. Her youngest son (11) has horrendous anger issues that neither she nor him can control, he talks to her like crap - funnily enough, just the way her husband talks to her, her eldest (19) is scared of his own shadow. Their middle son (18) seems to have escaped unscathed. Somehow.

OH has often, used his BIL as an example when defending his own shitty behaviour. ‘Well you could be with someone like .’ Doesn’t make it ok though does it?

Her husband is vile, rings her at 12 on the dot every day on their landline, they have a phone that’s attached to the wall so her husband knows she’s in the house. If she isn’t in the house for 12, so if she’s in the garden doing some gardening etc then he’ll ring her mobile, shout and her and demand she sends him a text to let him know she’s in the house and then he’ll ring the landline so he knows she’s definitely in the house. She’s not allowed to work, have friends, go out etc

F**king Hell and she is having a go at you.

She needs to look at herself and the damage she is inflicting on her children.

It sounds like both your dh and his brother should have never had children.

They obviously hate them

Why would your husband think anyone but your SIL stay with such a man.
She must be a very damaged person who he targeted.

@Oliversmumsarmy the damage has been done with her DC’s. OH really took the eldest two under his wing, taught them to drive tractors, handle animals etc. Gave them some confidence back that had previously been depleted by their father. This isn’t OH’s brother, it’s his sister’s husband. Such a strange family with very warped views. Their mother was very controlling and abusive too.

I think they all sound like they need some serous therapy.

I was going to ask what had happened in SIL’s early life to think this level of control was normal and to not tell her dh the first time he got angry when she wasn’t in the house when he called to F**k off.

Controlling mother explains a lot

@Oliversmumsarmy she was incredibly controlling and favoured certain children and grandchildren over others.

She spoke to OH like crap, treat him like crap, didn’t pay him and dictated when he could take time out for days out with DC’s etc (which was once in a blue moon).
All of her DC’s were very loyal to her - their father had died when they were all very small, OH hadn’t even been born when he died.

She’s dead now so can’t play my children off against each other like she always tried to do.

But her legacy lives on.

@Oliversmumsarmy yes, through her children 😫

Jeez, you're a miracle! Could you kick dh out - presumably you're living on the farm? If you could, would you consider doing it? You would all be so much better off without the pair of them - you and your dds and baby, I mean, and dsd too frankly. Both ex and oh are just a waste of space.

The truth is that the only fit parent out of the 3 of you is you.

[quote user1488481370]@Oliversmumsarmy she was incredibly controlling and favoured certain children and grandchildren over others.

She spoke to OH like crap, treat him like crap, didn’t pay him and dictated when he could take time out for days out with DC’s etc (which was once in a blue moon).
All of her DC’s were very loyal to her - their father had died when they were all very small, OH hadn’t even been born when he died.

She’s dead now so can’t play my children off against each other like she always tried to do.[/quote]

Well - that explains a lot about him. But DEFINITELY not all!!

I seriously hope you can get away from this awful family before you are too tired and beaten down to do so. I do wonder if it's a case that you would if a good solution could be reached for DSD. I hope that SS can come up with a workable option for her - fingers crossed. In the meantime YOU arm yourself with knowledge so that, if the opportunity represents itself in the future and you've really had enough, you an see if you can makes better life for yourself and your children.

Benefits:
www.entitledto.co.uk

Housing advice:
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice

Child Maintenance calculator:
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Strength to you OP. 🌹

Thank you all. I really feel like I just need a break now. I don’t know what from. Monotony of housework, laundry and childcare maybe? I just realised that I’ve had them all of for months and haven’t had a break once. Is that even normal? Am I bad for feeling like this?

I honestly have no motivation to do anything at the moment. I scrape by doing the very basics and am just so exhausted by the smallest of tasks at the moment. I feel like every day I wake up with a mountain of what OH and my children deem to be ‘unimportant’ jobs and I feel like I don’t even manage a fraction of it.

DSD is upset again after speak to her mother on FaceTime. She had promised her that she’d take some time off towards the end of the summer holidays and spend a few days with her at her friend’s house (why not just take her back home for a few days/nights?) DSD was obviously hanging onto this and really looking forward to it. Today she’s been told that isn’t happening anymore and of course we’ve had a lot of upset from that. Why promise or even mention something like that to her if you aren’t going to follow it through? She needs to step up or fuck off.

Just read thread... oh my goodness, how much you have tried for so little gratitude. You're clearly trying so hard for that little girl while trying to juggle so much else. I really hope that things get better for all of you. It's such an awful situation that you and DD, DSD find yourselves In.

This can't go on OP. You are going to be really ill. And I don't know what will happen when you get to the point of having the baby, but I can't imagine you or your kids (I include DSD in that, you're her only actual parent in any way that matters) will have the support you need. Can your mum take them then? Is there a friend who can go with you when you go into labour?

Right so you're still staying with him
You can't be helped. None of this can. Good luck and good bye.