Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

How are you OP?

My concern is that you have given him everything he wants. A really easy life now.

Are you ok, OP?

Jesus. Why did you think it would be a good idea to have a baby with a man who doesn't parent his existing dd?? He sounds awful. Useless father.

Dd should go back to her mums if her dad can't look after her. They need to have a formal access contract in place.

@tenlittlecygnets have you RTFT? Dsds mum is not interested in her and if we all had hindsight when meeting a new partner, the world would be a whole less complicated.

I can see this blowing up in your face OP, if your OH tells his ex, you could end up with police at the door, removing her, as legally, you have no parental responsibility for her.That said, I hope you’re all ok

I doubt the mother or father is going to call the police. It could back fire on them and they could end up actually having to parent/look after their own child.

OP I've just read your thread and just wanted to say you've been doing an amazing job for DSD...thank you for putting effort in where her parents are just....☹️ I think deep down inside she knows you're there for her. She knows you're trying.. I will keep reading your thread in the hope that everything will be okay for you, your DCs and your DSD. They do need you. But you also need yourself. Whatever happens with DSD's mum and your DP, well 🤷‍♀️
Good on you for stepping up, doing the right thing and finally asking for help. Hats off to you for everything 🌸🌸💐💐🎩🎩

Drained and tired. Still at friends. Of course mother of the year has gone batshit and accused me of kidnap. Hasn’t taken it further though as evidently terrified at the prospect of having to have her back. Laughable.

DSD isn’t in a good way. I feel as though I’ve tried to make things better but just made them 100x worse.

SS are assigning us a case worker and will be doing an investigation ‘for a child in need.’ They want to have a meeting with the parents, doctor, teacher ......
They’ll see what the outcome of the meeting is and then go from there.
What the hell they’ll think when they find out OH basically chucked myself and his three DD’s out and DSD’s mother has left her for 3 months without good reason I just don’t know.

I just wanted to send you a massive hug and say you should be so proud of yourself for saying enough is enough and looking out for that wee girl. Her parents are a pair of a absolute disgraces. I can't believe her mother accused you of kidnap yet still can't be bothered to get off her backside and collect her daughter. I really don't know what to say about your husband. I was hoping he would come good.

I hope you have some support and that things start calming down for you.

Honestly, I think you can use this whole thread as evidence for SS, OP. It diarises your worries, the way DH has had had his head up his arse, DM has checked out completely (until money was involved) and the way you stepped up - and how it impacts you and your DDs. Your DH needs a taser applied to his gonads, if you ask me.

You are a bloody brilliant woman and mother and stepmother. Your children and DSD are all very lucky to have such a wonderful mum.

You're doing the right thing, getting help and advice and hopefully your DH will garner the strength from somewhere to step up with you.

💐🍰

Oh wow, you're kidnapping but not worried enough to collect her daughter 😒, its not fair on you at all, the fact your husband hasn't collected his daughter is telling too.

Have you heard from DH?

I’ve just seen all this OP and just wanted to say you’re doing a bloody amazing job. Your partner is an absolute arsehole but I totally understand you wanting to stay for DSD.

You absolutely have done the right thing contacting SS.

Wow you are doing so amazingly well. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when SS talk to her mum and dad 🙄

The thing is, DSD’s mum is incredibly manipulative. OH is useless at talking to people so goodness knows what they’ll think of him.

My friend was talking with DSD this morning while I was sorting out my youngest and she said that although she enjoys seeing her mum when she visits, time flies when you’re having fun and it’s all over too quickly. She said going to see loads of different people is nice but she wants her mum to herself for a change. She wants to go back to her mum’s house where she knows that there’s no family etc to go and see there so that she’ll get her mum’s undivided attention.

She sobbed to me last night and said my mum has done so much for me, she’s raised me and she’s going to paint my bedroom but I’ve done nothing for her.

The loyalty this little girl has for her mum is unwavering, no matter how hard she’s kicked by her she keeps coming back trying harder and harder to be loved or even liked more.

What is the answer? I don’t know.

Any social worker worth their salt will see through this. It’s absolutely normal. They will ask DSD leading questions and basically get her to admit that she has been abandoned by her mum. They will ask how she felt when she saw her mum go past and not see her, etc.... Give them diarised examples. It would be valuable to use this thread to write one down.

she’s raised me and she’s going to paint my bedroom but I’ve done nothing for her

What bedroom?

Isn’t it a 1bedroom bungalow?

I doubt the mother is going to manipulate SS into overlooking the fact she hasn’t had her Dd stay over for months.

Whatever the outcome you have done everything you can for all the DDs. Please be kind to yourself

I would document the contact pattern and the reasons given for lack of contact for the whole summer and further back if you can. And by that I mean from both parents. All the days when you've done all the parenting from dawn till bedtime and your husband has been otherwise occupied.

This thread is the best thing I’ve done. I’ve got a couple of months with a timeline - everything is documented so it’s great.

@Oliversmumsarmy it’s my mum who is in a 1 bed bungalow, not DSD’s mum. I think some posters have got their wires a bit crossed there.

@ButteryPuffin basically every day for the last three months then, barring an hour a week maybe where OH has taken the eldest two.

The fact that she left the house with you, and is still not in the care of either of her biological parents, will tell its own story. If they were at all bothered they would have got her by now. And how heartbreaking that a 10 yo is worried that she hasn't done enough for her mother.

You need to ask her mum to take her back for three weeks. Say the pregnancy is affecting you.