Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Where is her father?

How old is your step daughter? I would ask for her to go home for a while and switch back to the weekends or every other weekend until you feel you can cope with more if ever. They do all seem to be taking the piss out of you. If not I would tell DH I was going to my mums with the kids.

OP says that her father is working.

You need to send her to her mum's for a few weeks. This isnt fair on you and is probably contributing to the blood pressure. She has 2 homes so it's time to make use of the other one.

Your H needs to step up too. It's unacceptable.

What does her dad do when she is still up at 11? How old is she? Has she been asked if she wants to go to her mum's? What time is she getting up?

DSD is 10, OH often isn’t in until gone midnight, he’s usually in for 10 but he just collapses on the sofa and goes to sleep. If he can see I’m getting fraught, he’ll step in but I’d say more than 9/10 incidences, it’s me doing the leg work at bedtime.

She’s been asked if she’s like to go back to her mums but she’s said that she’s happy with talking to her on zoom. I’m not sure whether we’d manage at mums as she’s in a 1 bed bungalow and she always says I shouldn’t make the distinction between my step child and my children which is easy for her to say when she’s never been in this position.

If I had more support it wouldn’t be an issue. I don’t mind having her for 2/3 weeks at a time but I feel as though they’re all putting on me now and I need the old lightening.

She wakes between 5:00am and 6:30am.

Load lightning not old lightening

Really, either your DH changes his work schedule so he's actually looking after his children, or DSD goes back to her mum's for a week on/week off scenario. Ask him which works best for him.

The problem is not your step daughter OP. The problem is that your DH is not being an active parent in any of his children's lives.

He needs a clearly defined working schedule. He is home by X time every evening and you get the evenings to relax and unwind. What about weekends? What is he doing then?

We did agree that DSD, should she be moved from house to house, should stay at each house for 2 weeks at a time with the currently Covid situation and I stand by that. But 5, almost 6 weeks have passed with no talk and no notion of when she may be going back.

OH works everyday, this is one of his busiest times of year, it isn’t always like this but it’s not as easy as relaxing his work schedule.

I know it’s not DSD’s fault, she’s got two parents who aren’t stepping up to the mark but her behaviour is making life difficult and I do think that at 10, she shouldn’t be acting out like a toddler and she could be more independent which I’m trying to help her with but it’s so difficult trying to tear myself in so many directions.

Maybe DSD wants to be in yours because it is busy & interesting? Home alone with Mum sounds dull in comparison. Also at 10 perhaps she is stuggling with making choices herself abt who to stay with. Sometimes asking a child if they want to be someone else can be 'I would like if you were somewhere else'. It might make her feel insecure perhaps. But your OH needs to step in here & be a parent. You are overburdened & you have the BP health issue to manage during your pregnancy. He needs to be home at a reasonable time, deal with his DD1 at bedtime..he can clock off for a few & then wfh again in the eve when peace reigns. I had to do this when my DC was young. I daresay had I someone to do it for me, I would have allowed that happen too because that would have been easier from a work point of view. I'm glad now I did it myself. Tell your OH you are finding this difficult. Explain that aside from the unregulated schedule, there are other issues like washing & bedtime that he needs to address. Also...I do get Ex wanting your DSD not to feel excluded & same as the other kids...but that doesn't mean she lives with you almost 100%. I think Ex has a bit of a cheek, presumably she knows new baby is on the way...it sounds like she doesn't care. Are there other issues here, why does DSD spend 90% of school hols ? Does Ex work & you are her holiday childcare? Your OH needs to set some rules here.

• want to be somewhere else.... em, not someone else...sorry!

Your oh needs to get help with his work so he can be home to look after his and your children

Or you bring in a cleaner or nanny to help you

You going to have to pay up either his business emply someone so he can take time off or bring someone to help in the house

Dont blame the dsd she is 10

It's important she spends time with her mum, and you need the break - she should be going back there for 2 weeks

@SionnachGlic yes I understand what you’re saying. It would be so much easier if OH was able to relax his schedule more and if we were more able to work as a team but to be honest he’s pretty reluctant to do much with them when he’s not as busy, he seems to happily leave it all to me. I’m not working at the moment but when I was working, it was no different. I’d still have 2 DC’s to care for when I got back.

His ex doesn’t know about the baby to be honest, we haven’t made it common knowledge although I quite think that she may have heard it through the grapevine. We haven’t even told DC’s yet.

I don’t know what the issue is with his ex, she moved DSD 100 miles away when she was 3/4. She has her through the week but never seems to be bothered about Spending time with her unless her mum/dad/sister/cousins want to see her, in that case she’ll have her for a day or two over the holidays and then drop her straight back off with us and that’s it for the rest of the time.
She does work usually and obviously with moving away from her family she would be stuck for childcare etc and it probably wouldn’t be worth her while to have to pay for childcare. DSD loves being here with her sisters so I totally agree from that POV that there’s a lot more going on here etc. I know OH needs to set rules but everytime I try to talk to him about it he says he’ll never turn down an opportunity to have DSD. But it’s not him whose doing the care! It’s me!

YOur DSD is acting like this because she has rubbish parents who are not paying attention to her at all

You need to talk to your OH about this - his parenting is awful

A 10 year old NT child should be able to clean themselves. Is your dsd autistic, SEN? Or do you think that this is some sort of jealousy/control issue? I'm asking this because the behaviour you describe about personal hygiene including the meltdowns sounds very much like my autistic ds

@Embracelife I haven’t blamed DSD. I’ve explained some of the problems we have with her behaviour, probably linked to the fact that both of her actual parents seem to do as little as they can possibly get away with and one in particular who will palm her off wherever she can. I’m explaining that I’m tired and incredibly stressed out and DSD’s behaviour is being impacted thanks to piss poor parenting.

to be honest he’s pretty reluctant to do much with them when he’s not as busy, he seems to happily leave it all to me.

This is the problem. You need to confront him with this now. He either becomes a proper parent who does more like his share, or you go to your mum's, DSD back to her mum's and he'll be on his own with the paperwork.

The problem is your OH is a shit dad who sees parenting as your job.
Whilst you continue to pick up the slack there's no reason for him to change his behaviour.
You need a proper conversation with him about work vs parenting/housework, and he needs to be responsible for managing your DSD

@Cabinfever10, no, she’s not autistic or SEN. It’s definitely a control issue, she’s been like it since she was tiny and I always thought she would grow out of it but I think she feels that insecure that she’s never been able to. I feel as though making her more independent, praising her for it and being consistent would really help her. But OH coddles her during the few times he does interact or spend time with them, he also lets her get away with things that he would never dream of letting DD2 get away with which really doesn’t help matters.

As an example, she will come in from the bathroom several times to ask which button to press on the shower, it’s almost like a stalling tactic or an attention thing. She will then ask if she puts conditioner in her hair first or shampoo, she knows exactly what to do but acts dumb, she will then come back and cry and say I can’t do it until I relent and help her and the crying magically stops. I think it’s definitely an attention thing although she has gotten slightly better over the last week or so.

TBH I would in with your Mum with the two youngest and let your H sort out his eldest...

It sounds like some one to one time with her Mum is really needed tbh!!!

@RandomMess I don’t think he knows how to parent her. I don’t think either of them do

Do you really want this for your DC living with an absent parent???