Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

You seem to have sole responsibility for the children no matter who their mum is. This is the rest of your life; you will always be firefighting.

Something has to change.

Make a list of all aspects of the problem, all of them - include your exhaustion, and the demands made on you which others should be shouldering. Everything. Then you'll be ready for SS/CAFCASS. Include what you would like to happen.

I think you should find a solicitor also

Leave this man. He is an utter piece of shit and you and the 3 girls deserve better.

I'm sorry to hear you're back with your H. Even if friends and family coming to stay.... Doesn't that involve more work for you? You don't have to keep pretending to anyone. Tell them the truth. I promise the world won't end.
And there's clearly no point in even wondering what DSD's mum is thinking or why she is acting like this. I think we're past that point. It's a waste of energy and time to even wonder or get angry at her. Just tell everything to SS... Her parents should be able to sort this. I really feel sorry for that kid...
But ...you need to realise you will be very sick very soon..with a new baby... You need help before it comes to that. I wouldn't be surprised if you started having massive depressive or anxiety episodes. We have a saying in my fanily/friends circle. It's a rhetorical question really... "Just for how long do you think you can carry on like this? One day you'll collapse on the floor.. " Ask yourself this. My friend who was always always sacrificing herself for everyone else ended up in hospital with stress, health prbs.. . Repeatedly.

For lack of a better solution in the meantime.. Just lie to all. Tell them you're faint and can't stand up. Everyone will survive..

Your DSD is very lucky to have a DSM like you as neither of her parents seem interested in her. You've tried to get your DH to sort things out time and time again, while you hold the fort and deal with all the tantrums. contacting SS was your last resort and I really don't blame you, something has to change for the sake of the whole family. I'm sure that you DSD will look back when she's older and realise exactly when you have done for her.

Hope you are doing ok, OP

DSD’s mum is now coming over twice a week to take her out for a few hours. OH put his foot down and said he won’t be facilitating that contact and that it’s purely down to her.

She tried to get her friend to take her for one of the afternoons but we’ve said no, in the current climate it has to be her. She’s agreed, I think she finally knows that this really doesn’t look good on her. Heard absolutely nothing from SS. Whether they’ve contacted ex or not I’m not sure. I was fairly certain that I’d be at the receiving end of her vitriol and malice when she was eventually contacted by them.

Please note all the actual hours this utter waste of space woman actually comes & spends with DSD, & how much effort it was to get her over.
She clearly doesn't give a shit about the child & wishes you would just take her permanently, (but keep the money) without giving a 2nd thought about this poor child & her emotional wellbeing. It is clearly screwing her up, in spite of all the love & care you give.
I think your best bet is to walk away from it all... Your H offloads it all to you, & abandons you work & worry over the child that is not actually your responsibility. You can not repair all the misery on this earth, & you can decide if it will break you & to opt out.

@Mix56 yes I’m logging it all. She had the cheek to turn around to OH and tell him that she’s basically doing the same as we do during term times. 10-12 hours contact time spread over two days DOES not equate to two nights sleeping over, meals, laundry, activities, homework etc. Deluded.

I know I can’t fix it. And I don’t think for a moment that I can.

Keep plodding in.
Any further news re maintenance?

@user1488481370 how are things at home for you? Has OH actually realised you need help!
Make sure you look after your self too.
When DSD next goes with her mum tell OH she needs to keep her as you aren't feeling well and really need to rest.
You must be exhausted, I'm due around the same time as you but have 2 older kids and I need rest so you definitely do.
You will burn yourself out and you will be no good for anyone.
Contact SS again and tell them you need help now.

Well she hasn’t had any maintenance. She said she was going to contact CSA but OH was paying her quite a lot more than their calculated amount so she’d be shooting herself in the foot in the long run. She’s also still claiming child benefit for DSD and will have had over £300 from that while DSD has been here. He usually helps her with school uniform every year too but has told her she can use her child benefit to pay for that this year. She wasn’t particularly happy about that.

The double standards with separated parents are stark. If a father was to dump his children and not have them overnight for months on end, offer a poxy few hours a couple of times a week and not pay maintenance he’d be lynched yet the child/ren’s mother gets away with it fine, all the while demanding to be paid maintenance that she’s not entitled to and claiming benefits for that child!

Is there a plan for DSD to return back to mum for school.... Quite frankly I'd be inclined to register her with your local one.

I really hope she does go to CMS without a court order it will be worked out on actual nights in the last 12 months...

She may indeed owe you guys!

Has your DSD said anymore about what she wants to happen with regards to where she lives? If she would still prefer to stay with you please progress with this apply for her child benefit and take it to court.

@combatbarbie so far we’ve been told that she’s to go back to her mum’s house the night before she goes back to school. I shit you not.

@RandomMess I think she realises this and as a result won’t bother contacting them. DSD is now very much saying that she just wants to go back to her mums, Which I suppose is understandable after months. Initially she was saying she’d like to live here and then have a couple of weekends over at her mums every month but for now she’s just wanting to go back. She’s that upset about the whole situation that I think her judgment is clouded. When things settle and she’s back to some semblance of ‘normal’ this may change again.

I would tell DH from now on to not pay any maintenance and she needs to claim via CMS...

I think it likely he will have to pay very little indeed!!

If she’s doing it for attention and you are giving her attention then what she’s doing is working. A 10 year old can wash themselves. Just keep repeating the instructions and make it clear you won’t be coming in to assist.

Even before this debacle you had DSD virtually 50:50 at 2 nights per week and most of all the school holidays!

So has everything gone back to the way it was? You're back with OH, you have all the kids and you're doing all the work?

If the only difference is he's not paying maintenance, then you take that money and spend it on things that will help YOU. A mother's helper, prepared food, a cleaner, whatever. Don't let him take advantage of you again!

Can you call SS and ask for an update. Or do they know that you are now back in the family home therefor not deemed to be at risk because she is with one parent?

@RandomMess he isn’t bothered about paying the money. It’s only DSD who’ll miss out if he doesn’t pay it - she’ll make sure of that.

When I initially called SS I was still here with him and the DC’s, as far as they’re aware I haven’t been anywhere.

How will DSD miss out? He can still buy her clothes and activities etc just not contribute towards her food, her Mums rent etc?

If you evidence that's you provide financially for all her needs and residency ends up in court who is it going to look bad on?

@RandomMess I know and we do all of that anyway, he thinks that paying the money keeps the peace and in a way he’s right, obviously he’s not paying it at the moment which is fair enough but when things go back to ‘normal’ he’ll resume payments.

She’s very much wanting to go back to her mum’s now. She had a day with her yesterday and was very upset when she was dropped back off (as she usually is) her mum has said another 2/3 weeks and she can go back home.

Please do not let him resume paying maintenance to keep the peace. Stop giving her all this power

Why is keeping her happy more important than supporting you???

Let her go to CMS.

She will still want you to have DSD every weekend. How about saying no, how about EOW and half the holidays? How about he starts recognising he needs to be a hands on Dad?

Why is it okay for you to act as an unpaid nanny and housekeeper instead of a partner?

I agree, why does he need to keep her sweet, they had 1 child
He will soon have 3 with you, why isn't he trying to keep you happy, the person who does all the work ?