Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

I agree, let her go to CMS she will be in for a shock.
Don't let her decide when you have her, make an official arrangement EOW and part of the holidays.
You aren't her babysitter!!
It's beyond me why she wouldn't want to spend time with her daughter.
I understand people have to work but there needs to be a balance

I'm going against the grain here.

I think the best outcome is for the DSD to go back to her mum and payments resumed.

The reason being that DSD has built up this perfect version of what life will be like back with her mum.

There's nobody who will/can counteract that notion other than DSD herself and you don't want her mother to be able to use the excuse about finances as a reason for not parenting properly.

What you probably don't appreciate yet OP is in the time she's spent with you she will have taken on board what a parent is supposed to do. You've already sown the seeds of normal parent/child relationships in how you treat DSD and your own children.

You obviously can't explain to DSD that she has shit parents but you can let her figure that out for herself whilst making clear you will be there for her when she needs a adult who truly cares for her wellbeing.

@DeRigueurMortis yes! This!

I have been in DSD’s position, not with my mum (which would’ve been worse) but with my dad. I had to figure out what a waste of space he was. Eventually I did. However before this I was incredibly difficult for my mum (egged on by him) and would defend him to the hilt.

I’m honestly not interested in withholding maintenance from her mum. I feel that this will just cause more problems with ex and animosity from DSD. I do however think it’s right that we don’t pay maintenance when having DSD for extended periods of time.

@LRHRN I understand where you’re coming from but unfortunately, her mum just isn’t interested in spending time with her and we can’t force her to.
I’ve said to OH many times, I know that she has to work but I don’t think that a casual cleaning job in a pub before opening time is a good enough reason to not have your child over to stay for 4 months (which is the length of time DSD will have been away from her ‘main residency’ by the time she goes back).

I think your DH should only be paying level of appropriate maintenance for DSD (based on 2 nights every week plus most of school hold - or very little) plus he can then contribute towards clothes, activities etc.

It may encourage her Mum to look for a job with more hours seeing as though she already uses wrap around childcare and you cover weekends and school holidays...

Perhaps then you could have paid help on the farm or at home to improve the life of ALL the children.

I agree that DSD we'll benefit from living with her Mum again to remember the reality of how it is.

So bloody sad for DSD

@Mix56

I agree, why does he need to keep her sweet, they had 1 child He will soon have 3 with you, why isn't he trying to keep you happy, the person who does all the work ?

I think it is worth actually asking him this question. Possibly in front of your visitors. I agree with not covering up for how shit he's being anymore.

@user1488481370 Wow! So she's not even got a full time job? That is absolutely disgusting. OH needs to step up, grow a back bone and tell her straight that you aren't having her all the time unless it's done through the proper channels.
If he wants to have her he will have to have time off from the farm.

This is the first really lengthy thread I have read from start to finish and I now feel so invested in the welfare of you and the three children.
I am so hoping that social services stage an intervention, even if you SD does return to her "mother" because, let's face it, she won't change and the girl will return to you.
I think I would be inclined to tell your partner that he needs to look after the kids for X hours on Y-day because you have a solicitor's appointment followed by a hospital appointment. I wonder if your health worker could organise for you to have a few days of care (in hospital? I don't know how things work in UK) to build up your health. Let useless "father" organise emergency care for your two girls, while the SD goes to her "mother". As others have said, you need to get away and rest before everything turns into a genuine catastrophy.
You are truly one of the most caring women I have encountered on MN - crikey, you don't even begrudge the "mother" maintenance that she does not deserve.
Be assured that your SD will look back with immense love for you being the only stable and loving person in her life.

Well, talk about handling a situation badly. I was in hospital yesterday with what turned out to be braxton hicks but they were regular and painful, not what you want at 26 weeks. My blood pressure also rocketed however it was only the top number, the bottom number stayed with in normal range and luckily it came down quite quickly once I’d be reassured that they weren’t contractions.

I had to go into hospital on my own, OH had to wait in the carpark with the 3 DC’s in the car.

DSD is going to see her mum for a few hours today. Her attitude seriously stinks before she goes to see her. She was being very rough with middle DD so I asked her to stop, she didn’t so she was reprimanded for it and I raised my voice. She didn’t react well to this, stomped off into the kitchen and said ‘our plans were ruined yesterday because of you, I had to sit in a car with them for hours.’ To which OH rose his voice and told her not to be so selfish and that we were terrified that her baby sister was coming 3 months too early and that we would lose her. She shrugged her shoulders and said ‘well when I go to my mums today I’m going to beg and beg and beg her to take me home, I can’t stand it here a minute longer, you never let me do what I want to do.’ I bubbled over and let loose at her. Told her the way her attitude changes before and after she sees her mother is terrible and that she won’t be going anymore if it carries on. I knew as soon as I’d said it that I shouldn’t have. Only human but I know I shouldn’t have said it.

On the contrary, maybe it would be for the best that she stays there a while.
I hope your partner got the wake up call he needed about your health - good to hear that he told SD off for the way she spoke to you.
Please look after yourself as best you can.

@SueblueNZ, she begs her every time, she’s in tears when she has to leave her. Her mum just laughs it off. No emotion shown.

I think most mothers would be in pieces at the prospect of leaving their distraught child. Not her.

Yes OH’s work has quietened down slightly so he’s been able to spend more time with us or take the eldest two for an hour or so to do some jobs which has been a big help. I think yesterday has been a wake up call too. Despite everything though he said he won’t demand that his ex has their DD.

So glad you are OK
Your husband is selfish, he is protecting his DD1 to the detriment of his other 2, & the only person who does any caring. You (although he is finally helping a bit, & actually told DD1 off)
Sadly Your DDs experiencing this behaviour, may cause trauma, & in turn they may be long term emotional damage.
It just feels like everyone is being sacrificed for his DD1, & the XW.
Have you asked him why he is prepared to put his marriage, & other DCs mental health on the sacrificial altar?

@cooldarkroom what a good question to ask!
Why is he so intent on not upsetting his ex?
You've got to stand up for yourself and tell him straight that you aren't prepared to carry on like this.
Why is the oldest daughter more important than the others?
It seems like the longer this saga goes on for the worse the mother is acting.
Why don't you ask her outright what her intentions are and why she's not having her more often, why she's still taking maintenance when she doesn't have her, why she constantly causes upset rather than DSD having to keep asking when she's going home.
What's the worse that can happen? she might take DSD and keep her and stop you seeing her (you've already spoken with SS so they are aware of the situation) but let's be realistic she isn't going to. even better she may actually realise what a shit excuse of a human being she is and leave the poor girl alone.
Let's face it if she was out of the picture and DSD lived with you full time she would live by your rules and actually have a solid base and maybe, hopefully be more settled.

I don't want to sound harsh cause I think you are amazing but you've seriously got to take control here and stop being a pushover and tell the ex exactly what's going to happen because it's not fair and the longer this goes on the worse it's getting.
You were hospitalised for god sake and that will be because of stress and exhaustion.
Tell everyone what you think and stop letting people treat you like shit!

I agree. Surely after your hospital trip the only solutionwas to tell XW that you were hospitalised & she needs to take care of her child for X number of days, or return to standard arrangement, as YOUR health is at risk.
If she basically doesn't want the child any more, then she needs to do the necessary paperwork & hand her over to the father.
The poor child will be abandoned but at least you can try & build on that. It will no longer be You the baddie.

Hey op. Long time lingerer, but had to say something after your post this morning.

DSS8 lives with us full time and his mum is a nightmare. He similarly misses her and thinks the sun shines out of her arse, even though she has let him down in every way imaginable. It is HARD. Do not be hard on yourself for letting loose on her this morning, you're not a robot, and to be honest I'm surprised you didn't 'crack' sooner.

You're doing amazingly well x

DHs never want to upset their ex’s. Simply because they don’t want the hassle or they’ll stop seeing there kids. Making life harder for u is the easier option because let’s be honest must men are quite lazy and can’t be bothered with the confrontation. My DH used to be like it until I spelt it out quite obviously once if it didn’t change I would kick him out. I meant it! He always says to me “ I hate her, I can’t bring myself to speak to her, he divorced for a reason” etc. But DSD is not mine, she’s yours, deal with it or I will.

OP..I've just read your thread and I'm going to add my voice to others who say that you are a wonderful person..Your DSD is lucky to have you..Your insight to the way she feels is incredible..
Are you in Cornwall? if yes I would offer to come and help..Just to spend a day sorting the wash pile or tidy the kitchen..

Yes let us know whereabouts you are. Also, please leave your husband, taking your DSD with you if at all possible. I would also be chasing SS. I do realise you are pregnant and under huge strain. I think you are amazing. She will thank you in later yesrs for caring for her when her bio parents didn't.

Thank you all so much.
DSD has been told that she’s now going back on September 4th. She’s back at school on the 8th, to be honest, it’s sooner than I thought she’d be back. Unbeknownst to us, DSD’s mum had told her on Thursday that she’d pick her up on Sunday 30th and take her home and spend the last week or so with her. This hasn’t materialised so obviously DSD was very upset about that last night. I’m really apprehensive about her going back. DSD is just a cash cow and bargaining chip for her mother.

This is why your DH needs to put his foot down and insist his ex uses the CMS calculator.

He is ALLOWING his DD to be used as a cash cow!!! If he stops this then her Mum will have to make a decision as to whether or not she wants her DD to live with her.

Random I do agree with you, but I think if he were to do this right now then it's the dsd who will suffer. I think that once she's back 'home' with her mum and the comparison between how OP treats her and how her mum treats her sinks in, then OH can start making those sort of decisions and insisting on things.

OP, your poor dsd. My heart breaks every time I read another post showing so starkly how she is let down by her parents/her mum.

The most important thing atm is to keep her as stable as you can under the circumstances whatever the mum throws at her, and let her know that it's NOT her fault and that she is loved whatever happens (that includes telling her off when she goes too far).

You are still the only parent any of the children have and you are an absolute star.

Sorry, I'm confused? Sunday 30th isn't until next weekend, surely?

@MNX42 sorry, I explained badly. DSD’s mum had initially told her that she could go back ‘home’ on Sunday 30th but has changed this and DSD won’t be going back until Friday 4th. So instead of getting over a week with her mum like she’d initially been promised, she’s now getting 3/4 days with her before she’s back at school.

I'd hate to sound cynical.....but who wants to join me in a wager DSD doesn't return to the day before school starts at the earliest?

@Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo

I'd hate to sound cynical.....but who wants to join me in a wager DSD doesn't return to the day before school starts at the earliest?

It’s not looking likely on previous form. Unless she is dumped with friends and relatives.

Hope you’re feeling better OP.