DP insisting SCs are coming the weekend we move house

[SpongebobNoPants]

Bit of background info:
SC’s mum and DP are pretty flexible about changing arrangements unless they have concrete plans like weddings or nights out planned.
DP and I are completing on our new house on Friday and are moving furniture etc ourselves using a van DP can borrow from work for the weekend however that means he can’t collect the van until after 5pm, meaning we won’t even be able to start moving any beds or fridge etc until after 6pm at the earliest.

I have arranged with my ExH for him to have the DCs so I can get the furniture in, house organised a bit and get the new beds / furniture for the house assembled.

I just spoke to DP assuming he’d had the same conversation with his Ex about swapping weekends or potentially us having the next couple of weekends in a row to make up lost time so we have the opportunity to get things sorted in the new house before any of the kids are here.

I just want to move all the furniture in, assemble beds, plumb dishwasher, have the fridge etc all sorted so it’s liveable.

DP has just said he hasn’t even spoken to his Ex and hasn’t asked for flexibility or a swap which means we’ll have the kids from 5pm on Friday.

I’m fucking livid. How on earth does he think firstly that we’ll manage to move all the furniture and sort beds etc whilst looking after the SCs and secondly how is it fair for them to come to us and potentially not even have beds there?!

He said “oh we’ll manage”?! Jesus Christ he hasn’t thought this through one bit and seems more concerned with “making sure they’re not left out” even though it’s not at all practical and they wouldn’t be “left out” as my DCs won’t be there either and we’ll happily have them extra to make up for the time lost.

His Ex I know would also not have an issue with this.

It’s going to be so much harder work, we won’t have the internet for the older SC to use and no fucking assembled bedroom furniture

I have no worries about our overall compatibility. I think he’s just so worried about upsetting SCs and them feeling displaced that he hasn’t logically thought through the practicalities.
I’m going to have to spell it out for him I think

Fair enough. My comment wasn't very helpful sorry!

Good luck op I agree definitely a serious conversation needed.

You're wasting too much energy ranting about this. Energy that could be used elsewhere. I note you use the term "I want". It's not all about what you want.

You'll manage. Stop making this into something it isn't. .

It’s not all about what you want
Correct, but currently it’s all about what DP wants, regardless of how much harder he’s making it for both of us and the kids. It’ll also fall to me to pick up the slack because of what DP wants.

It's not all about what you want

Seriously? She mentioned the words "I want" once, as is quite normal in a post written in first person outlying one side of an argument, and that's worth picking out and implying she's self absorbed? MN is so ridiculous at times, you're only doing well enough as a person if you're putting what someone else wants first at all times, no matter how impractical it is.

Why is everyone making such a meal of it? Moving with young kids is a pita. I t just is. Food, toilet breaks, danger with stuff piled up everywhere, room in your transport, aside from your own children not being there. Yes, single parents manage, but why the hell make it harder for absolutely no reason? How will they pushed out if all kids aren't there? They won't be, their mum doesn't mind changing contact for a good reason, they will be safer, less bored, and able to explore together. Utter no brainer. Just say nope, it's not fair or safe, so no.

We moved last year with a 9yr old and a baby. Baby came with me, so we had to pay more removals as I couldn't help. DD went to her dads til the next day, and avoided all the stress, teetering piles of books and boxes, midnight unpacking and makeshift snacks instead of food. She loved being picked up from one and returned to the other, she loved not having to sit quietly for hours while we tried not have her squished by furniture, what's the problem? Except that you are a step mum, and this is Mumsnet, so you are wrong unless they are first over the threshold, with the biggest rooms, name on the deeds and you and your kids move into the cupboard under the stairs quietly at midnight

Ahhh I’m definitely an evil stepmother then @LimpLettice as they are also sharing the smallest bedroom! Heaven forbid 😂

Why would you want dc getting in the way. I've always got my dc to stay elsewhere the day I've moved to give me chance to like you say get in and get beds up.
The first time I moved ds1 was 17 months and I was 8 months pregnant so popping a cot up was simple. However we could NOT find the bits to put our bed together and I have a very grumpy night on a mattress on the floor.
Ide tell him to ask. Worse case scenario she says no.

Yes moving with children can be done, but what make it harder if you don't have to?

Also, your plan for Monday and Tuesday sounds lovely, it would be a shame to ruin that.

Can you draw up a list of his moving jobs, and yours and just tell him that entertaining and attending to the kids goes on his list?

Ooohhh OP, how could you! They will need therapy into their 50's if they don't have the two largest rooms even if they only stay 14 minutes a week, and it will be all YOUR fault.

I'm not a stepmum, altho I was, my DD has step parents on both sides, and I still can't get my head round the way they are treated as superior beings, even to their own detriment, on MN. All the children need to be equal, that's all.

It seems daft to have dc there whilst moving if you have the option for them not to be.

I think your mistake here is not hiring a removals company to be honest.

We moved with our kids in tow and it was horrendous. Definitely hiring removals men next time!

You wont win on here. All the step mum haters use any excuse to accuse you of hating your step kids.

In non-Covid times, any sensible parent, if possible, would ask someone to babysit young children in the middle of a house move! Biological or nonbiological?! That bit is quite irrelevant in this situation, aside from the fact that they have actually got another home they could be at that's not going to be completely upside down and chaotic!

How is he even going to spend time with them? It's not going to be much fun for them! Will there be there when one of you needs to pick up the keys too? I

I agree with you op. If you can easily arrange for kids to be elsewhere on moving day then why wouldn't you? Seems mad to have them with you if you don't need to.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'm a lone parent and every time I've moved I've shipped the kids off. If I couldn't have I'm sure I would have coped.. just about. But I didn't have to. You don't have to either.

YANBU. He is being a twat.

Could you frame it in a positive way (not that you should have to “manage” a perfectly reasonable request but still)

That you get the house ready and have a “house warming” for all the children together? You could also suggest SC might be resentful that their time with their father is so chaotic and they won’t see much of him!

He’s being an idiot and needs to sort it out.

Meanwhile you need to stop being a parent to your step children, they are at their dads so HE can parent them. You get to be Fun Auntie type person. You will no thanks for ANYONE for being Default Parent.

The mums hate it. The Sk hate it. The SM gets stressed out by all the work and none of the fun bits. The only one it suits is dad, who gets another service human to do the bits of parenting that are a hassle.

Perhaps you need to make him feel like it's his idea instead of coming at this as a battle.

Maybe comment on how stressful it might be for them and how it'll make the new house a negative place for them to be if this is there first experience.

Are you 100% sure this move is for the best OP?

Yanbu. Why do his children need to be there? Yours won’t be. His children won’t be missing out on anything if they’re not there.

And the people who are saying “you do what other parents do”, are really missing the point. The op has arranged for her children to not be there because she is able to. The op’s partner is able to do the same but is choosing not to.

No doubt there will be the odd poster who thinks the op’s SC will be emotionally scarred if their dad arranges for his kids to be at their mum’s and they have to wait a bit longer to see the house.

I'm confused as to why he thinks his kids will feel displaced if they're not there for the move - especially as your kids won't be there. He's not really making any sense & I too cannot imagine anything worse than moving with kids if you have the choice not to. I moved with my teens just before lockdown when they couldn't go to their dads - that was hard enough & my kids are older!
I know I sound antagonist but I would either flatly refuse to have them there or bring my own kids too & see how he likes that.

Meanwhile you need to stop being a parent to your step children, they are at their dads so HE can parent them
I really don’t. What I mean is if he is physically busy drilling or whatever then obviously I’m going to be the one keeping SCs safe / getting drinks/ making sure they’re ok because I’m not going to just ignore them if DP is busy.

On a happy note I think I’ve had a breakthrough with DP, I think he gets it now.

This is now our new plan:

Load up my car and his on Thursday night with smaller things that we can transport quickly - kettle, toaster, bedding, clothes etc.

Friday collect the keys about 1.30 and unload all the car stuff.

About 2.30/3.00 pick up all the DCs including mine and bring them to the new house so they can have a look around (they haven’t seen it yet as we couldn’t do extra viewings because of Covid)

Get fish & chips and have a picnic with the kids in the new living room then drop them all off to their otter parents when DP goes to get his van.

DP and I are having Friday night in our new house ALONE which I’m really excited about as it’ll be lovely having a night sorting things together.

Then Saturday we’re going to do as much as we can in the house and collect all the kids on Sunday late afternoon
At which point I’m hoping things will be calmer, a bit more organised and we can all enjoy sorting out the smaller stuff

Sounds like a really good plan. Hope it all goes well.

DP and I are having Friday night in our new house ALONE grin which I’m really excited about as it’ll be lovely having a night sorting things together.

Sounds wonderful! Enjoy it

Blimey, he's a catch, not
Just tell him you'll be doing your bit then putting your feet up ang going to bed.
He wants beds for his kids then he can put them up himself.
Wish him luck "he'll manage".