DP insisting SCs are coming the weekend we move house

[SpongebobNoPants]

Bit of background info:
SC’s mum and DP are pretty flexible about changing arrangements unless they have concrete plans like weddings or nights out planned.
DP and I are completing on our new house on Friday and are moving furniture etc ourselves using a van DP can borrow from work for the weekend however that means he can’t collect the van until after 5pm, meaning we won’t even be able to start moving any beds or fridge etc until after 6pm at the earliest.

I have arranged with my ExH for him to have the DCs so I can get the furniture in, house organised a bit and get the new beds / furniture for the house assembled.

I just spoke to DP assuming he’d had the same conversation with his Ex about swapping weekends or potentially us having the next couple of weekends in a row to make up lost time so we have the opportunity to get things sorted in the new house before any of the kids are here.

I just want to move all the furniture in, assemble beds, plumb dishwasher, have the fridge etc all sorted so it’s liveable.

DP has just said he hasn’t even spoken to his Ex and hasn’t asked for flexibility or a swap which means we’ll have the kids from 5pm on Friday.

I’m fucking livid. How on earth does he think firstly that we’ll manage to move all the furniture and sort beds etc whilst looking after the SCs and secondly how is it fair for them to come to us and potentially not even have beds there?!

He said “oh we’ll manage”?! Jesus Christ he hasn’t thought this through one bit and seems more concerned with “making sure they’re not left out” even though it’s not at all practical and they wouldn’t be “left out” as my DCs won’t be there either and we’ll happily have them extra to make up for the time lost.

His Ex I know would also not have an issue with this.

It’s going to be so much harder work, we won’t have the internet for the older SC to use and no fucking assembled bedroom furniture

YABU
It will help the kids adjust to their new home.
The kids can help with the move.
Its good to do things as a family.

@ZombieFan except we won’t be doing it as a family as my DCs won’t be there and honestly, I love my SCs but they will not be a help

What age are the SC who 'could' be there?

Primary age

"more like he hasn’t thought the practicalities through fully."

Or if he has given it any thought it's probably that you will step in and cope as you always do.

Laudable to want to include them- but that should definitely be with your own kids included as well, it really isn't fair to 'advantage' one parents kids over another's like this.

So either they all come or you explain- to kids as well if need be - that you'll be having a really boring weekend cleaning and doing all the dull stuff like plumbing so when they come you can do the fun stuff, like dressing their new rooms, together.

Primary age
Oh I was imagining older. Then yes you are right he should be making alternative arrangements.

Laudable to want to include them- but that should definitely be with your own kids included as well, it really isn't fair to 'advantage' one parents kids over another's like this

With 4 kids there whilst trying to move it will be incredibly hard work. I don’t want any of them there for a day or two, it’s not like I’m singling SCs out.

We’ve bought most of the furniture new so it isn’t just a case of moving things, most of it needs assembling. I’m really stressed just thinking about it.

Curtains... we will also not have any curtains 😩
The more I think about it the more I can feel my blood pressure rising. 48 hours is all I’m asking for

Just tell him no. Non negotiable, put your foot down- he's to get childcare sorted. It's not fair on your DC and is totally impractical. You have the power to insist on this. I'd say either he arranges a swap or he takes his kids elsewhere and pays for movers and plumbers etc. out of his own pocket. I'd be prepared for it to be a massive blowout if it were me.

He's an idiot, given that both ex's are amicable it would be far better to collect all the children together.

Limited time, no option to get extra help because of covid and no internet to keep them entertained is going to be a nightmare!

Hi OP,

I agree with @FourPlasticRings and @lunar1.

Moving house is one of the most stressful things you can ever do, that is a known fact! Why not make life as simple, straight forward and fair to everyone involved as possible.

I suggest speaking to DP again, explain in no uncertain terms you are incredibly stressed already and want this new move to start as well as possible. He needs to think about this logically and think about your feelings, you are a partnership after all.
Good luck OP, I hope everything goes well for you and your whole family

They can sleep on a mattress on the floor - ours did when we last moved. (3 & 6)

It’s doable. Make sure they have access to WiFi or your phone hotspot for iPads ect..

Yanbu.
I'd be fuming.

He really hasn't thought it through has he?
Point blank ask him how are two dc going to fit in the moving van? When he says 'they'll be in the car' point out the car will be full of boxes with no room for two car seats and dc.

The whole vague, 'it'll be fine we'll sort it out' really doesn't help. I feel your nightmare. They need supervision, entertainment, drinks, food and toilet and at some point, a mattress to bed down on. I'm one of millions who have moved house with dc, and if they are old enough to walk but not help then it is so, so much harder.
I hope he sees sense.

YANBU. You’re going to be up til at least midnight, you just need to plough through with as few diversions as possible.

Of course it’s not always possible, but if there’s ever an opportunity to have someone look after children when you move house, you’d take it.

Even more so if you’ve got a blended family where children will want to see fairness.

He sounds a bit of a twat to be honest. Particularly the bit look after his children falls on you despite the fact you sorted childcare for your own.

YANBU @SpongebobNoPants

They are too young to help, too young to be left in either property. Make a list of all the things that will make it hard for them (and harder for you both) and then give it to him.

If he still insists on them coming then you drive them to the new place, put them in one room with an iPad and some games and start cleaning (because I bet your DH has not considered how much cleaning is involved in a move) and you wait there while he runs around shifting furniture.

Do you guys also need to clean the property you’re moving out of or is the landlord charging for professional clean?

and you wait there while he runs around shifting furniture
This is the thing... I will have to help move the furniture too, DP will not be able to lift a lot of the boxes or the sofa etc on his own, they’ll require two sets of hands.
We’ll have no WiFi as the company aren’t coming to install it until the end of the following week. There won’t be TVs etc set up either,
No curtains, no beds, no way of preparing food straight away.

Good God, no! YANBU.
moving house is stressful enough, even with packers and a paid service, but you're doing it yourselves? And he reckons having kids running around will be fine?
No. Just no.
Put your foot down.

I think this is the moment to invoke the Veto. I do it about once every five years, it can’t be a regular thing. Sit down and say this is serious, it really matters to me, I see you think it’s not a problem but it really is for me, even if you don’t understand why or agree, this is an issue which is a red line to me. If he can’t deal with and respect that, you’ve got bigger problems than the move.

Also, he also gets a veto (of course) on an different issue at some point in the future that you think isn’t a biggie but he feels strongly about.

Unfortunately mumsnet hates step mums. Any suggestion that not having them around for a couple of days so you can do something incredibly stressful like moving house never goes down well. Of course it would be easier all around if the children stayed with their mum. It's so clearly obvious to anyone in their right mind that that's what should happen. Then all the children come over at the same time to explore the new house. Your dp is an arse and you need to put your foot down.

I would like to get the kitchen and bedrooms sorted then pick them up on Sunday evening and we’ve both got Monday / Tuesday off work so we could have all the kids then.
That what I can have beds made, bathroom stuff sorted, have had a Tesco food shop delivered and be ready to have a lovely time with them all.

It’ll be nice having them there whilst we’re organising their rooms because they can help put toys away and pick where they want pictures hanging in their rooms... you know, all the nice easy stress-free stuff

No question it will make it more difficult.
It could also make it more fun. Kids really can sleep on a mattress on the floor - don’t stress about putting beds together in night one for goodness sakes.
Your do doesn’t need to be plumbing on night one!
If your do can’t change things then I’d make sure I had handy lightbulbs and torch, washing stuff and towels, kettle and basic kitchen stuff, some basic cleaning stuff something to cover bedroom window and bedding.
Then if you have the kids forget about too much sorting out, order a take away and camp out. It’ll be far more fun for them to be part of the process that way.
Sounds as if you want it all perfect in night one or before the kids are there.
The only problem is you and dp didn’t talk through the arrangement for moving weekend - if you had you’d have found out you felt differently about this.
Good luck op. Either way congrats on new home.

YANBU. Some of these comments are just trying to be difficult. Of course it's not practical to have dc around when you're moving. Of course there's sometimes no other option. But having moved twice with small dc the best option is not to have them there if possible.

It's hardly going to be quality time with them. They will either be bored or in the way at that age. Far better to get the big stuff in and assembled and then involve them in the unpacking and arranging of the small things in their rooms.

If he really won't budge can you download some movies onto tablets and put them in a room you're not working in for a bit. If the weather is nice is there a garden?

Do you guys also need to clean the property you’re moving out of or is the landlord charging for professional clean?
Yes we’ll have to do all of that too 😩

Well I would imagine your sc will be bored witless watching you move everything around after the first 20 minutes of excitement. Moving a while house can take a very long time. When we moved, various friends offered to look after the kids while we did the main moving in.