DP insisting SCs are coming the weekend we move house

[SpongebobNoPants]

Bit of background info:
SC’s mum and DP are pretty flexible about changing arrangements unless they have concrete plans like weddings or nights out planned.
DP and I are completing on our new house on Friday and are moving furniture etc ourselves using a van DP can borrow from work for the weekend however that means he can’t collect the van until after 5pm, meaning we won’t even be able to start moving any beds or fridge etc until after 6pm at the earliest.

I have arranged with my ExH for him to have the DCs so I can get the furniture in, house organised a bit and get the new beds / furniture for the house assembled.

I just spoke to DP assuming he’d had the same conversation with his Ex about swapping weekends or potentially us having the next couple of weekends in a row to make up lost time so we have the opportunity to get things sorted in the new house before any of the kids are here.

I just want to move all the furniture in, assemble beds, plumb dishwasher, have the fridge etc all sorted so it’s liveable.

DP has just said he hasn’t even spoken to his Ex and hasn’t asked for flexibility or a swap which means we’ll have the kids from 5pm on Friday.

I’m fucking livid. How on earth does he think firstly that we’ll manage to move all the furniture and sort beds etc whilst looking after the SCs and secondly how is it fair for them to come to us and potentially not even have beds there?!

He said “oh we’ll manage”?! Jesus Christ he hasn’t thought this through one bit and seems more concerned with “making sure they’re not left out” even though it’s not at all practical and they wouldn’t be “left out” as my DCs won’t be there either and we’ll happily have them extra to make up for the time lost.

His Ex I know would also not have an issue with this.

It’s going to be so much harder work, we won’t have the internet for the older SC to use and no fucking assembled bedroom furniture

I’m confused about the beds, even beds that aren’t new would be taken apart for a move and need to be rebuilt anyway.

I moved last April with my then three year old, no other parent so no one to leave him with. I hired a van (proper movers are very expensive here) and moved by rooms. So the first rooms I moved were mine and his bedroom.

I had a friend help, so I drove the van and he drove my car so we could take my son to and from each property. I set up his room as soon as I moved his things, this meant he had somewhere to entertain himself when I was moving other stuff into the flat. He also had a box of treats in there so he could crack on and stuff his face.

Yes, moving is shit, but what are you gaining from deciding to stress out? Try to focus that energy onto something that will actually benefit the move. Also remember it will be okay, you will be okay.

The only problem is you and dp didn’t talk through the arrangement for moving weekend - if you had you’d have found out you felt differently about this
We did discuss it which is why my DCs won’t be there, and no I wouldn’t feel different. I’m majorly pissed off with him for not swapping the days. There’s literally no practical reason why he hasn’t other than he thinks it’ll be fun having them there.
I know that it absolutely won’t.
I’ve moved several times in the last few years with my DCs and I know how stressful it is.

I would also like to have my own DC there when SCs stay for the first time because I know it’ll cause upset and ill feeling otherwise too. Blended families and perceived fairness is a constant balancing act

YANBU He's being an idiot. Nip this in the bud now or you face a life of him doing stupid shit.

He's being ridiculous. I would consider saying it's only fair that your children are part of moving day too as you don't want them to miss out either. See what he says then - any bets?

He's an idiot. Moving is stressful, given the option you dont do it with children underfoot. OK you can put mattresses on the floor if necessary but the children may be unsettled by that. It's also unfair on the other children who wont be there.

If he wouldn't move -I'd bring my children back -as otherwise it would be unfair. Is this a start of things to come....................

I’m confused about the beds, even beds that aren’t new would be taken apart for a move and need to be rebuilt anyway
You part dissemble them don’t you, which is a lot easier and quicker to put back together... you literally take the headboard off and carry the main frame sideways.
The new beds are bunk beds which require complete assembly including the building of the bed frames and screwing every fecking slat in for the mattress bases. It’ll take a few hours at least.

Let alone reassembling our bed and putting together 3 sets of wardrobes, chests of drawers, moving big items like sofa, fridge, dining table, garden furniture... also unpacking all of the kitchen stuff.

I would consider saying it's only fair that your children are part of moving day too as you don't want them to miss out either
Yep, I’m going to say this. I’m also telling him because he’s insisted the kids will all be there he can cook and sort out the kitchen to make it useable l

He gets to watch his kids on moving day it shouldn't fall on you

Your DH is an idiot. Your DC won't be there as you have made arrangements as your moving home and he needs to do the same. Moving home is a pain in the arse and I always had help with the kids or we tried to plan it around them being away or at school. Tell your DH to talk to his ex wife-

If / when we move you can bet that me and my husband will be shipping our child off to husband’s mum! (Said child is 10 months and never been apart from us so I’m not exactly blasé about being without her)
Of course if you HAVE to move with a child in situ you do, but why would you if you don’t have to?!
Currently you CAN take a child to a supermarket with you, but you wouldn’t if they had another parent to stay at home with them.
If you got a terrible vomiting bug and you were in sole charge of your child you’d still care for them but you wouldn’t just let a second parent sit on their arse downstairs.
And no way would it be ‘fun’ with a child in tow ... maybe in a Disney film
Absolutely ridiculous for him to insist on having his children there whilst you move house when they could just stay with their mum.

You sound very sensible and reasonable. I therefore don’t think you are getting through to him. In my opinion your options are:

1. Take this as an opportunity to reach out to his ex and say that you don’t think it is a good idea - not much fun for the kids, no beds ready and the risk of accidents.

2. Throw a tantrum about how stressed you are about the impending move. That will get him thinking about what he can do to make things better...

Talk to him again. Tell him that it's really important that all your children spend their first night in their new home on the SAME night, not his kids first and your kids at some other time. That's not ok because it's inequitable.
Tell him Tuesday is the perfect time to do that because the house will be ready.
It can sometimes be unsettling for kids to move so arriving where your bed is made up with your toys out and your room looks inviting and welcoming really matters x

Sounds like a bloody nightmare

You need to tell him that the dc cannot come for safety reasons. But you also need to organise a proper removal van. We paid £300 for two men with a van and they did the lot, my DH was at work on our moving day! It was the best money we had spent - just look on your local Facebook page.

Yanbu. Either pay someone else to move the stuff & have all dc there, (silly & impractical) or leave all children for a day or 2.

I think you should make him look after his dc though. If it delays other things as it well, maybe he'll learn a lesson. Meanwhile, you can get on with doing the organising that you'd be doing

Good luck but try not to stress too much. Moving house is full on!

Can you say to him something like:

I want to get a clear plan for moving day in my head so let's talk it through...'

Then calmly ask him all the practical Qs in a step by step walkthrough

'Who is loading the van? Where will the children be at that point?
Who will clean the house?
What/when/where will the children eat tea?
What time are we setting off for new house? Who will take the children? How will we keep them entertained?
Who is going to unload the big pieces of furniture? Who will watch the children at that point?'
Etc
Don't answer any of the questions for him. Don't let him get away with wishy washy answers like 'oh it'll be fine, we'll work it out'. Tell him you need details now to reduce your stress level on the day.

Hopefully this will make him see how much more difficult it will be to have the DC there.

Then suggest another option of setting everything up and having all the DC on Sunday for a house warming party together as a family.

Are you buying or renting this house?

This might sound dramatic but I'd be reconsidering the whole thing tbh. Moving in together means becoming a blended family and making sensible decisions about what's best for the whole family. He can't make unilateral decisions about his DCs that will add to your stress unnecessarily and make your DCs feel left out. You are completely right that all the DCs should arrive at the same time after you and DP have had time to do the actual move. Of course parents with no other childcare options have to move with their kids in tow - but they probably use professional movers! And if you had another childcare option you'd be mad not to use it.

If I were you I would give him the folllowing options:
Change arrangements for his DCs as you've requested
Organise and pay for professional movers at his own expense
Get a family member or friend to look after his DCs for the main day of the move

And if he refuses all of the above then just refuse to do any of it.

There is no way I would be moving with my 3dc there. I would 100% leave them with my parents for a couple of days whilst we sort everything out. We only had dd when we moved into our home now and I left her with my parents as we had 2 days to move everything from our flat plus we had 2 dogs and 2 cats. It was chaos, there was stuff everywhere. It wouldn’t have even been safe for her here while moving heavy furniture up the stairs.

This seems crazy. No part of moving is fun - from my own childhood experiences you either get put in one room or the garden (if there is one and it's not raining) with little to do and then get told off for being in the way/asking for food/being too loud while the adults get increasingly stressed out and short-tempered. And the whole process takes aaaages. Once I knew what a crap experience it was I used to ask to go to stay with my cousins the weekend of the move (we moved a few times when I was young). If there is any option for them not to be there, you definitely need to take it! Has your husband ever moved before?! He is definitely being unreasonable.

I think I'd watch the kids while he moves everything, then unpack with the kids whilst he cleans the place that you're moving out of.

There's always at least one single parent who comes onto threads like these and goes on and on about how they managed on their own. Good for you, it's really not all that relevant here.

YANBU at all but I think you need to be prepared to be a lot firmer. You say you can't neglect their needs because they're children, so you need to be really blunt with him before it happens. Tell him clearly that all this will mean is loads of hassle for you because he will not be able to look after them, and you are not willing to do it so he NEEDS to rearrange. If he gets arsey, remind him that it is NOT fair for him to insist on his kids being there so they don't feel left out, when your kids aren't going to be there. You just need to tell him that you don't approve of his impractical and unfair plan to have them there, so unless he plans on looking after them himself and staying up late to do all the house stuff, he needs to reorganise.

We’re buying the new house. Like I said, it’s our first proper family home together and I don’t want the kids walking into chaos and potentially being upset or stressed themselves either.

We can’t get anyone else to watch the kids due to bloody Covid, and it seems ridiculous to ask favours or help from other people when we could just pick them up 48hrs later instead.

We also can’t afford to be wasting money on professional movers at the moment.
I’m still furloughed until mid-June so things are tighter than planned financially.

Oh dear, no trial period of living together before buying a house together?

I hope I'm wrong but his attitude to this issue doesn't bode well.

@AnotherEmma we’ve been together a long time and blended a few years ago, we just took our time and getting a mortgage on a 4 bed house was much cheaper than renting in our area.