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Original poster

Partner's child personal hygiene

232 replies

Cgd2020 · 31/05/2020 22:46

Any advice or should I just try to forget about it... When my partner and I and his now 13 year old daughter moved in together I deliberately did not take on certain tasks, one being laundry. But my partner does not do or make his daughter wash her clothes. (his mother previously did it for her). As a result her clothes smell, her room smells and it cannot be good for her body/personal hygiene. I dread to think how long she wears her underwear for. During normal school time it must be bad for whoever sits beside her in class. I have said to my partner about this but he doesn't seem bothered, should I just try to let it go?

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toomuchpeppapig · 01/06/2020 19:36

Just put her dirty clothes in the wash when you do yours!!! Why are you making an issue of this? You're a horrendous step-parent and clearly a person lacking compassion and decency. You're mistreating a child trying to score points with your partner. I bet you're really proud of yourself.

chubbyhotchoc · 01/06/2020 19:43

Why on earth is the op being jumped on? I refused to do my step kids laundry because they were 14 and 17. I do my younger step child's, mine, my husbands and my own dcs. That is quite enough. My husband works more than me and the little ones are too young which is why I do theirs but I will not enable laziness from teenagers. If she's been shown, she should be doing it and if she refuses her father needs to tackle it and make sure she does. The fact he isn't is another matter though, he is being neglectful.

chubbyhotchoc · 01/06/2020 19:50

@Cgd2020 you might find some more sympathetic responses on the nacho parenting Facebook page. This issue comes up a lot there.

Paperchainpopp · 01/06/2020 19:52

@chubbyhotchoc watching neglect going on within a household makes you also a guilty party too. There’s no mention in OP’s saying she has taken her shopping for personal items or chatted with her about maintaining her hygiene. I think people are shocked that the main concern was her home. OP is out of order hence many people’s reply’s and she hasn’t been back.

The difference is in your case YOU are the mother.... clearly this poor child doesn’t have the same guidance you have given your own children Hmm. Imagine them all going out for a family meal and there’s an unpleasant smell... yet the step mother doesn’t prompt the child to get in the shower before leaving the house. There’s no need at all for this SOME kids need prompting more than others it’s not a competition and if it’s got to this stage it seems there’s deeper issues starting with both adults in the house

Cheeeeislifenow · 01/06/2020 20:00

Also in case you missed it sd lives there full time.

chubbyhotchoc · 01/06/2020 20:01

I'm not the mother of my step children and I don't get involved in their clothing or hygiene in any direct way. In this situation I would be nagging the father. I'm not sure I would be with a man that turned a blind eye to his daughter smelling but that is more about the op's judgement in choosing men than anything else. She's not a parent. Not her responsibility.

noyoucannotcomein · 01/06/2020 20:08

If this was a child living with her mum, dad and gran, or her aunt and uncle, or her mum and uncle, I would condemn every adult in the house. The old "you have a DP problem" just doesn't wash when a kid is being neglected. No one gets the green light to turn a blind eye when a child is being neglected, especially in their own home.

Paperchainpopp · 01/06/2020 20:12

^^She's not a parent. Not her responsibility.

That’s is true that’s it’s not her bio child. Your attitude stinks if that how you go about day to day life. There are some cruel people in this world. It doesn’t have to be your child even if it was a friend I would have a word rather than strangers make nasty comments and sneer.

Russell19 · 01/06/2020 20:15

This is awful. Her dad and you should be ashamed of yourselves. How can you let a child be neglected like that?

If this was a child in my class at school I would be contacting social services. I dread to think about her other personal care and things she needs help with.

chubbyhotchoc · 01/06/2020 20:20

@Paperchainpopp my attitude will have to stink then.
The op isn't ignoring it. She knows there's an issue. That's why she's posting. The advice should be to push the dad on the issue not to take on laundry for a perfectly capable teenager

Cheeeeislifenow · 01/06/2020 20:21

So op if a child in your care is being neglected and you do nothing, you are just as bad as the person being neglectful.no two ways about it. Everyone has a responsibility to safeguard those more vulnerable than us.

borntohula · 01/06/2020 20:22

Looks like OP has fucked off never to return. Surprising...

Paperchainpopp · 01/06/2020 20:28

@chubbyhotchoc ITS NOT JUST THE LAUNDRY is it though. The poor child is leaving the house smelling. Is it going to kill OP to tell her to get in the shower and discuss ladies things as it may be awkward for the dad.... the dad has failed to do so and OP is condoning neglect within her household weather she’s directly doing so... she *knows it’s going on.....

funinthesun19 · 01/06/2020 21:23

The op isn't ignoring it. She knows there's an issue. That's why she's posting. The advice should be to push the dad on the issue not to take on laundry for a perfectly capable teenager

Exactly! At least the op knows there is an issue unlike the dad who seems to be turning a blind eye. She clearly wants something to be done about it.

I said she should just do all laundry at the same time. I have a feeling it is always left to the op. If she doesn’t do it it never gets done. I’m going to go all feminist now and say why is it just the woman’s job to do these chores?

And I also agree that a 13 year old is capable of doing their own laundry. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea to expect their teenager to do their own washing, but it’s not unheard of. It might be helpful for the op’s sd if she knows how to work the washing machine/dryer for her own future reference.

Wallywobbles · 01/06/2020 21:42

As a step parent with 3 teen daughters under my care - showers non negotiable. Clothes washing non negotiable. Show her what to do. Do her favour. You are a parent, even as a step parent.

Ask daily for her clothes. Change the habits that are being ingrained. Be the bigger person. Set out reasonable expectations. And her Dad is a dick.

LikeDuhWhatever · 01/06/2020 21:50

Jeez, I can’t believe this! You are neglecting that girl. It is your and the father’s responsibility to care about her well-being and hygiene. What does it take to clean her room or chuck her stuff into the washing machine? You are not only neglectful but also setting her a very bad example about personal hygiene, cleanliness and self care! I usually stay out of other people’s lives but if I knew you I would report you to child protection services.

Pooper1234 · 01/06/2020 22:49

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karenmiriam · 01/06/2020 22:52

I haven't been in the same position so i don't know the circumstances but if i were im your shoes i'd say that personal hygiene is extremely important and surely there must be a way that you can make changes to the way that she does things daily. Like maybe a spring clean and explaining the importance of self care, then maybe taking things from there??

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/06/2020 22:56

OP, you and your DP's set up isn't working for this child. Is there someone who loves and cares about her that she could live with?

villamariavintrapp · 01/06/2020 23:11

I get why you wouldn't want to do it, her father should. But why would you choose this man to be the father of your baby? He seems like a very poor choice if you can already see he's so neglectful of the child he currently has.

TheTeenageYears · 01/06/2020 23:31

@OP, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution!

AuditAngel · 01/06/2020 23:45

I have 2 teens and a 9 yeaR old. Of all my kids the 9 yo is the stinky one. We do laundry as a family, but any one of us may put a wash load on. Yesterday I asked my 13yo to transfer washing from dryer to basket and washer to dryer. I planned to put on the next wash load as i wanted to use products In the wash. I came back to discover the 13yo had already put the load on.

DH thinks they should all do their own, but I prefer they can all do a share of everybody’s.

9yo has to be reminded to shower/wash pits. In summer she has required daily “pit inspection” for at least the last 2 summers. 13yo DD sometimes needs reminder to wash her hair.

15yo DS has a girlfriend, no reminders necessary!

Grandmi · 01/06/2020 23:51

Even as a step mother you really need to advise and help this girl . Maybe she is too embarrassed to ask for help with her laundry. She needs love ,encouragement and support. Just do the right thing!

Grandmi · 01/06/2020 23:57

Also I had all my children here until yesterday and I had to remind them to at least bring their washing downstairs and start a wash !! My youngest who is 20 and is very pedantic about appearance etc didn’t relise that his bedroom had a general smell that suggested smelly clothes !!

MerryDeath · 02/06/2020 16:51

can't stop thinking about this. what a hill to die on. to make a point to your DP about women's work. you should pick something else and help this poor child or ensure your DP does with explicit instructions.