Partner's child personal hygiene

[Cgd2020]

Any advice or should I just try to forget about it... When my partner and I and his now 13 year old daughter moved in together I deliberately did not take on certain tasks, one being laundry. But my partner does not do or make his daughter wash her clothes. (his mother previously did it for her). As a result her clothes smell, her room smells and it cannot be good for her body/personal hygiene. I dread to think how long she wears her underwear for. During normal school time it must be bad for whoever sits beside her in class. I have said to my partner about this but he doesn't seem bothered, should I just try to let it go?

Please just help this girl. Can't believe you won't do a bit of washing for her, or at least,have a chat to her about the clothes washing. I am sure she will feel happy, if things get sorted out properly.

Help her. Seriously.
You’re neglecting her and if school start looking into this for the safeguarding issue it is, there may well be repercussions for you & DP as well as people questioning your capabilities with a new baby. (My work is in this area.)
If you help DSD, stop being so bitter. Stop actually neglecting the child in your care and love her a bit. You’ll all feel so much better. She’ll be older in the blink of an eye. She’ll probably also be your best babysitter if you play your cards right.
If she’s with you F/T please step up. This odour is a sign of puberty. She’s going to start her periods soon, she needs help. I remember a girl at school who lived with her dad and dads GF coming to my house for tea at 13 and no one had told her about periods or anything and she had nothing ready for them.
Mum made dad stop at Tesco on his way home to buy a washbag, bubble bath, deodorant, paracetamol, sanpro & a 5 pack of dairy milk for her and made sure she had our number, and would send me into school with a pack of bodyform and a freddo for her every month after she started until we left school (she used to leave these on our beds when we were at school too, a day or two before we were due on, she said she could tell it was coming by our moods!) . Mum and I saw her just before lockdown and she hugged my mum and introduced her to her DH and DC as “my fairy god mother”.

It will cost you about a fiver to get her some deoderant, sanpro and other bits and you only need to prompt her to bring washing down, and pop it in the machine. That’ll take you all of ten minutes.

I get your husband should be doing it. I really do. But you’re an adult and she’s a kid. And she is a kid in your care. When you moved in you assumed responsibility and turning a blind eye and not taking action on this makes you complicit in this neglect which is child abuse.
Think about the bigger picture here. You don’t get a nice life with your newborn and hubs whilst you’re neglecting your stepdaughter- your a family, that’s not how it works. You’ll culture negative relationships, and DSD will know you don’t want her, she will start acting out, your life will be 500% harder.
Just get her some smellies when you’re next in the shop, chat to her, prompt her to do the washing And love her. It will reap great rewards both when she stops stinking, her confidence grows, when she remembers your kindness, when she grows into an adult who’s not fucked up by her childhood, when you build a relationship with her and stop feeling resentful and probably in a few years when you want a night out or weekend away she might even be a free babysitter.

Be kind op.

As a step parent myself, I understand the struggles of getting your partner to work with you regarding bringing up step children. However, when you chose your partner, you took on the child as well. If her father isn't doing what he should be doing, then you need to step in and be there for her as a mother. Talk to her and gently bring up her hygiene, don't make her feel ashamed about it, but offer your help, advice and support to her. Create a bond with her. She obviously needs a female role model, so be that for her. Being resentful towards her is going to fix nothing.

Why can't you throw her laundry into the machine with yours? It's not like you are taking it down to the stream and scrubbing! Hardly a big deal is it?

I would help the daughter as a kindness, and tell the partner seeing him as a neglectful parent was the most unsexy thing you could ever imagine, and it says a lot about how selfish someone is when they don’t contribute the basics as a parent, the most important relationship they have. Ask him if he can change or if you two should just start to arrange the splitting up.

How can you possibly find your partner in any way attractive when he is such a negligent parent?

I can't understand the lack of humanity someone would need to have to not just help the girl.

Who does your partner’s clothes? Please don’t say you do them it refuse to do hers.

I tell my 13 year old dd every single day to leave her washing outside her room and then I put it in with mine. Or put it in the washing basket. Yes I need to nag/remind but that’s normal isn’t it?

Have you actually sat down and talked to her. Ds2 needs to be prompted to wash, our clothes in washing basket, brush teeth.

I don't know why but he just isn't that interested. Ds1 teases him that he'll stink and have farty breath and no friends, once he starts secondary.

But seriously it is a problem. Dh and I have talked about our concern that it isn't inherent in him.

Dh and Ds1 are very into showering and personal care. They both always smell fantastic, kind of naturally!

Meantime we plod along promoting him and telling Ds2 he has to take responsibility, to do it himself.

How can you not do all your families at the same time? Do you pick her clothes out of the pile and take them dirty back to her room? The washing machine does the work, its not like you have to wash them by hand. She is only 13, hardly an adult, just wash her clothes.

This is neglect and when the school intervenes social services will question both your abilities to parent the baby too.

When I was 13, all the family washing was put in the washing basket then divided into colours/whites & shoved in the machine. No distinction in whose clothes went in, it all went in together.
You can tell her that if it's not in the basket, it doesn't get washed to hopefully encourage the habit.
At 13, it was my job - Friday evening the washes went on so they would be dry for Sunday night when I did the ironing whilst listening to the Top 40 chart show!
Your stepdaughter is old enough to be shown how to do this, it is something easy to do and ironing is an excellent life skill.
It will also mean that not all the household chores fall on you.
It's also worth bearing in mind that at 13, the weekend breakfast fry-up was my responsibility & I was perfectly capable of cooking the roast Sunday lunch when it was my turn!

How can you be with someone who neglects their child so openly? How can you be so cold to a child treated like this?

Here lies an absolutely perfect example of why the not your responsibility retric on this board can be so damaging.

If you are an adult who has care off a child you have a basic level of responsibility for that child. Allowing what amounts to neglect of a child take place in your home doesnt absolve you of responsibility because you are a step parent.

If the OP was a co-worker in a nursery who worked in one room but knew that children being cared for in another were being mistreated by say being left in a dirty nappy all day and did nothing would that be ok? No it wouldnt because adults who witness children being neglected or abused have a responsibility to do something.

It isnt ok to live in a family unit blended or not and for a child to suffer neglect which is ignored by an adult especially if this done to prove a point.

I see from another thread you are pregnant. Would it be ok for your DP to treat your child like that? Leave them in dirty clothes? Not have a basic level of hygiene to keep them safe and well.

You have two options, you sit down with your Dp, SC and come up with a new plan. Which includes her learning how to do these things with help. There could be any number of reason she isnt, teenage laziness/embarrassment/not feeling comfortable in your home.

Or you continue to ignore it and ultimately this makes you are as bad as your DP and you both are failing this young girl.

If you do ignore it I hope its noticed in school and someone takes the time to give her support and guidance.

I feel that at 13 the child is capable of doing their own laundry but perhaps she needs to be taught how to in the first.

Well they’re capable of it but surely all members of a family don’t do their washing separately. I’ve never heard of that (secondary school teacher.) It’s not economical for a start.

If the op insists on making a point, the least she could do is help the girl or do it together, the same with tidying her room.

Who washes your clothes and your partner's clothes?

Surely in a household, all the laundry just gets put together and done at the same time. Do people really divide up laundry loads by individuals clothes?

This is truly appalling. That poor child.

You're both an absolute disgrace to allow this to happen.

Why did you move in with and get pregnant to a man who has full custody of his child, if you never had any intention of making that child feel welcome or being a parent to them?

What a shitty father. Are you staying with him?

You should not be having a child, you've shown disturbing lack of judgement by having a baby with a neglectful father. That's so cruel to your baby. You do realise if you split from him he will have access to your baby and neglect them aswell. Your an idiot and both the kids deserve better. Your partner should be thrown out and reported for his neglect I can bet there is a lot more he isn't doing for his child

I just don't understand this. She is 13 years old; she needs a bit of looking after. Assuming you or your DH do the washing, then surely it is just family washing, sorted into whites, colours, woollies, etc. Give her a washing basket to put her dirty clothes in. You seem to making a huge fuss over this. My DD is home from uni. She is perfectly capable of doing her washing, but it's just easier and more economical that I wash them with DH's and my clothes. I certainly wouldn't let anyone in my family become dirty and smelly. And what are these other "certain tasks" that you "deliberately did not take on"? This post of yours is upsetting to read.

I think you have a shit partner and maybe your only way to get him to step up is to not do certain things? I think that approach isn't really OK for your step daughters hygiene though.

If he isn't willing to discuss this with her then I think you have a duty to take this and other parenting aspects she needs help with on or end the relationship!

I would just do all the laundry at the same time. But your partner needs to chip in too.

I think your partner is a disgrace not giving his daughter’s hygiene a second thought. At least you’re actually thinking about it. I bet he’s not even noticed. And I bet he thinks the laundry is your job doesn’t he? If you don’t do it it doesn’t get done basically.

You and your DP sound vile. That poor girl. I wasnt washing my own clothes at 13. Christ! She is still a child you are both leaving a 13 year old girl to smell because neither of you can put her clothes in the washing machine... which I am assuming you use for your own clothes? Disgusting.

Who does his washing? If it’s you I would stop. He’ll soon realise how smelly he is when he has no clean clothes and he’ll realise how awful it is for his daughter going to school like that.

OP clearly stated that she expected her partner, the girl's parent, to do it, not that she expected her step daughter to do it herself. She's completely right, he is her father and he SHOULD be doing it,

That depends how chores are divided up, surely? My late husband did more than his share of housework - including almost all the cooking and half the ironing). But I took on the washing (so good of me, considering all it took was bunging it in the machine!). I swear that until his death he still would have had to ask me how to put the machine on.

But I simply can't understand how OP can let the child go to school smelling, instead of simply giving her a washing basket and reminding her to put her dirty clothes in it when she goes to bed.