Partner's child personal hygiene

[Cgd2020]

Any advice or should I just try to forget about it... When my partner and I and his now 13 year old daughter moved in together I deliberately did not take on certain tasks, one being laundry. But my partner does not do or make his daughter wash her clothes. (his mother previously did it for her). As a result her clothes smell, her room smells and it cannot be good for her body/personal hygiene. I dread to think how long she wears her underwear for. During normal school time it must be bad for whoever sits beside her in class. I have said to my partner about this but he doesn't seem bothered, should I just try to let it go?

I would not be able to be a relationship with a man who let his kids go around smelling and refused to do any laundry. I can't see a positive outcome for the child really. You obviously resent her, he can't be bothered to look after her. Presumably there is an issue with her living with her mum? If you leave him what would happen to her? I don't know but this environment sounds toxic and neglectful

Have you tried a chores list? It may help divide up and ensure fairness.
My DH can be a lazy useless fucker when it comes to housework. We both work FT and I have the more high powered job but I still end up doing the majority share of housework unless I point out what needs doing.
Can't wait for my cleaner to come back though!

It is just so unbelievably petty that whoever is putting the clothes in the washing machine won't just put her clothes in with them.

Actually it's not just petty, it's cruel

Also if he won't look after his DD now, what makes you think he'll look after the one you're currently pregnant with?

If you have noticed that a child is being neglected or abused it is always your responsibility to Do everything in your power to rectify the situation. Be that referring to outside agencies (eg. The school or social services, NSPCC, police) or actively doing something if you are closer to the child. Once you have noticed that there is an issue it becomes your responsibility regardless of whose fault it is. Adult problems should not be impacting children. If you are having issues with your partner, you still make Sure your step child is not neglected. Or you leave and report.

To single out one child in your household for worse treatment than others is neglect and abusive. You sound awful. Resentful of this child and not really committed to the relationship. You should be working out a rota for cleaning and washing with your partner not victimising his dd

It's true this shouldn't be OP's responsibility but how she can sit back and watch this happen is so horrible.

I would help the girl because I couldn't stand to she her neglected, whilst having an almighty go at my partner telling him to buck his ideas up.

I especially couldn't stand to see her bullied at school for something that can be avoided.

Fgs I fucking hate humans sometimes.

At this age I would expect a child which she is at 13 to be able to sort laundry and put clothes away etc. But I wouldn't just presume they knew how to do it. Her father doesn't care you clearly don't you sound horrible. Poor girl

Your partner is a fucking disgrace for neglecting his daughter’s needs in this way.
You are equally culpable, as another human being, under the same roof, standing by and allowing it to happen.

She at least needs to be shown how to do it, and at least be told that she's allowed to use the machine, detergent and softener. Perhaps she feels like it's not hers to use.

Again, poor girl!

Your partner is a total idiot.

Growing up we struggled with not being able to always afford heating and hot water. So sometimes I was the smelly kid at school.

I will never forget the embarrassment aged 13 when a friend took me to the side at school and told me that other girls were saying that I smelt (friend said she had noticed it too) and that the other making fun of me. Mercifully our family finances improved within a year or so and we could wash properly/afford products.
To this day over 20 years later though I still have a raging paranoia that I smell. Even though I wash every day those memories don't leave me.
Please help your step daughter and be firm with her dad as he is a parent and needs to step up.

I think your at fault OP and the dad of the child... well. If you expect a 13 year old to do her own washing it’s your duty to show her and at 13 I think it’s your job and maybe she could put the laundry away. Have you ever spoke with your step child about hygiene? Took her shopping for toiletries and prompted her to shower morning and evening??

You clearly need to have a conversation with your DP to the effect that you have no intention of becoming a step mother to his daughter and he either needs to take care of her or send her to live with someone who will. Is there any particular reason why she is living with you if you don’t want to parent her?

Who washes everyone else’s clothes?

I wouldn’t expect a 12/13 year old to wash their own clothes-that’s really sad.

This is neglect.

I hope you read through these replies and have a good look at yourselves. You're compliance in withholding basic care to the point shes likely being bullied at school. I hope you get reported.

You are horrific "parents". You are neglecting one child but having another? I have no words. I hope the child's school report your neglect.

You found this shit boyfriend attractive enough to be impregnated by him. At least you know demonstrably what your life will be like when your kid is born. Cringe.

Just wash her bloody clothes it takes 2 minutes to load a washing machine

I don't understand this mentality that everyone in the household should wash their own clothes, especially children!? Surely surely one of you is doing the laundry. It's not like everyone in your own is doing THEIR OWN laundry and she's the odd one out? Someone's obviously washing the clothes in your house, otherwise you'd smell like her. Someone's doing the laundry in that house, and whoever does it that day should wash her clothes aswell!

For everyone bitter with the op, I think this reflects the sexist and detrimental mindset we have of the parenting duties of men. She is HIS DAUGHTER!! He should be concerned.

This, absolutely this ^ wot @noti23 said

the idea that somehow women are the backstop, responsible for the household chores that keep our lives ticking over ultimately explains the gender pay gap, why women on average get paid less than men do.

That men/boys can go out, explore and get good jobs knowing somehow the domestic stuff will get itself done, while we socialise women/girls to be looking out for what needs to be done, to put the needs of others first.

That's why.

No one saying the girl in this instance should be helped. But why, why, why pile onto the woman who happens to be there instead of the child's father?

Op is an adult. She can see her partner not doing it, and chooses to sit back and do nothing about it.

do you wash your own clothes? Or do you mean that your partner doesnt wash anyones clothes, not even his own, or are you washing yours and your partners, but refusing to wash the childs clothes?

It does sound quite an odd set up. I feel sorry for the child really who is being negelcted by the adults in her life, including you.

This is neglect, from you and your DP. How horrible it must be for the girl to be wearing smelly clothes.

I don’t expect my children to do their washing: we have a laundry basket and I expect them to put their stuff in. I expect them to put away clean clothes and sometimes help with sorting and folding.

There's a lovely lady in my area who unfortunately had a very hard life and is now an alcoholic.

Whenever I see her about she likes to tell me the story about when she was 13 my mum moved into her street, my DM would have been 19 at the time and was a single mother. She says they didn't have a washing machine or any hot water in her house and she was always picked on at school for being a tramp. She says my mum always used to let her come down on a Sunday so she could wash her clothes in the twin tub and have a bath while they where hung out to dry.

When she tells the story you can see how much this small act of kindness meant to her. The fact you can't even do it for your own step daughter disgusts me.

@Boomclaps your mum sounds awesome what a lovely thing to do .