Partner's child personal hygiene

[Cgd2020]

Any advice or should I just try to forget about it... When my partner and I and his now 13 year old daughter moved in together I deliberately did not take on certain tasks, one being laundry. But my partner does not do or make his daughter wash her clothes. (his mother previously did it for her). As a result her clothes smell, her room smells and it cannot be good for her body/personal hygiene. I dread to think how long she wears her underwear for. During normal school time it must be bad for whoever sits beside her in class. I have said to my partner about this but he doesn't seem bothered, should I just try to let it go?

@WindsorBlues and your mum too x

@finallyhere

Op is complicit in allowing a child to be deprived of basic needs. This is neglect.
This is NOT about sexism. It is about calling out someone being willfully neglectful. Instead of doing that op is allowing this girl to be neglected byvher partner.
Op doesn't have to do the washing, but op should make her partner get his shit together and stop allowing this to continue.
No she chooses to ignore it and have a baby with him instead.

You say you deliberately decided not to take on certain tasks one being laundry are you saying your partner washes his and your clothes but doesn’t for some reason wash his daughters. If this is your set up why are you not asking him why he is treating her this way and tell him to stop. It’s really sad for your stepdaughter that this is happening , you also say his mother used to do it so has the poor girl not got a mother who could help her out, if not your both being really unkind to her.
If you’re both adamant for some reason that she has to see to her own laundry and hygiene at least have the decency both of you to point her I the right direction letting her go to school in smelly clothes and not washing is really awful, has others have said she will be if she hasn’t already starting her periods , even if your annoyed at your partner for not stepping up stop taking it out on the young girl.

Good hygiene doesn’t come naturally to the average 13 year old, let’s face it.

I have to tell dc same age to bath/shower/change their clothes and they forget/do anything to avoid it. I insist though even though they resist it because the alternative is I send them to school smelly like you’re doing.

Either..

The op washes her own clothes and her dp washes his own

Or

The op washes her clothes and his

He washes his clothes and the ops.

Whichever variation it is, it is abhorrent, lazy, neglectful not to put the child's clothes in the machine too.

It's hardly taxing or even any extra effort to do this.

I feel very worried that no one is helping this poor child with other aspects of her health and hygiene and providing her with sanitary protection if she needs it?

I couldn't turn a blind eye to ANY child living like this, never mind a child I live with and presumably claim to care about to some extent.

Your partner is a disgrace. She will undoubtedly be being ostracised, if not blatantly bullied, and her "family" are letting that happen when it could so easily be prevented. That's incomprehensible to me.

Igtg Mon 01-Jun-20 14:22:34
Good hygiene doesn’t come naturally to the average 13 year old, let’s face it.
...
I don't agree, I think 13 is the age when they start taking more interest in personal hygiene and care of their clothes. Girls particularly are always messing about with their hair, washing it, etc, they wash their underclothes and like to be 'private' about such things. That's certainly the case when they reach puberty.

They need to be gently taught about that sort of thing before puberty so they don't feel self conscious about suddenly starting to it.

What kind of person are you that you would deliberately let a child go to school smelling rather than abandon your principle of not washing their clothes?
If you are dead against doing it involve her/show her what to do and get her dad involved.
This is more than turning a blind eye or letting it go, it's cruel and abusive. Doing know how you had the nerve to post, that poor kid

*Don't know

Not taking on certain tasks is one thing, but not assisting a 13 yr old is neglect. Your partner should immediately supply her with the means to sort her dirty laundry (laundry bin etc) and then help her with the next stage.. either put it in the machine for her it help her to do it. Also, she would probably appreciate a bit of guidance from you as to her personal hygiene, she may not like talking to her dad about it, some girls are self conscious and prefer to chat with another female. He needs to address this urgently. I've got a 24 yr old step son, his dad has always done everything, so he now expects it and the stench from his room is unbelievable, so it's important you both put in a pathway for this young lady to eventually self manage as she gets older.

I wish the op would come back and say what she thinks about the comments on this thread, I fell really sad for the young girl we all need a bit of help and guidance at that age , whatever your differences over who does what chores they are both supposed to be caring for this child and let’s face it that is what she is a child.

I'm really at a loss for words on this one.

Poor kid!

Wash her stuff and get your partner to do some too. Poor neglected girl. And together, insist on a daily shower and maybe hair wash. Basic parenting.

I cannot believe that somebody could treat a young girl in such a way. Her father is obviously useless but you OP are a bloody disgrace. Your words are unbelievable, it's like you are watching from the sidelines unable to help that poor girl. Talking about how she must smell and her friends can probably smell her but not lifting a finger to help her. She must be mortified but I get the impression you must be totally unapproachable to her. For Gods sake help her out.

Her father should be taking the responsibility here.

That said I could not stand by and allow this to happen to a child in my home so I would do her laundry as that overrides the "principles" view in my book.
Then again I would not be with a man who neglects his childs basic needs.

It isn't really clear from the OP how the step daughter is about being asked to do her laundry, but it's quite likely if there IS a laundry box system that she isn't using it. When I was around that age I went through a phase of hating being nagged to have a shower, I was going through puberty and I didnt realise I smelt at the time, but was told in hindsight that I did. A lot of people have said they have to regularly nag their children to shower/put their clothes in the right place for washing, and see that as normal behaviour. But the fact that it IS normal behaviour is exactly why this is an important hill to die on for a lot of people. I don't think OP should have to accept daily nagging as a part of her life. Obviously if her step daughter is happily putting all of her dirty clothes into the wash basket and OP is picking them out and saying "I won't do yours" then that is ridiculous. But if it is hard work to get her step daughter to do it, then she really shouldn't have to. In the same way she shouldn't be the one nagging her to do her homework or get up in the morning, or whatever it might be.

When I am putting a load of washing on when SS is here, I will ask him to go to his room and bring me all his dirty clothes because I'm putting a load on. He does do it (and he's much younger than OPs step daughter) but if he didn't, I wouldn't welcome spending my time nagging him. I would just tell my partner it still needed doing and leave it to him to sort, but that's all part of being in a relationship with a decent man and father who actually would sort it out.

The fact of the matter is if someone needs to nag this girl to do certain things every day, then it should be her father. It is a serious concern that OP has spoken to her partner about this before and he "isn't bothered", and I agree with other PPs he doesn't sound like a catch if he isn't looking after his daughter properly, and is presumably so useless that OP has had to put boundaries in place about housework to avoid ending up doing it all. I would have very firm words with him about how unpleasant it is for you all to live with and how it could affect her at school, and tell him he needs to step up, whether he is bothered or not. If he won't, then I really don't know what to say. But it is something along the lines of "he is a terrible father and partner and you should leave him", not "well you are a monster for not automatically buckling down and doing all his parenting for him".

Her father is obviously useless but you OP are a bloody disgrace

Why is the OP getting all the stick because her partner cant be bothered to look after his daughter properly?!
Yes if you choose to blend families, as a step parent you should be willing to take on helping provide care for a child which isn't yours. However a father doesn't immediately become absolved of his responsibilities as a parent just because he has a new partner.

OP, it would be kinder on the girl if you could help her out and wash her clothes but if your taking a stand n refusing to do the washing because your partner is too bone idle to care for his daughter and do her washing then perhaps your need to raise it as a safe guarding issue so she at least does her some help. I don't agree its solely your problem to solve though and I think you've been treated a bit unfairly on this thread, sexism at it's best tbh.

Jesus, I actually have no words!!
That poor poor child.
But, with any luck when she goes back to school the neglect will be picked up by the safeguarding team and something will be done to help her. Because it is neglect.
I hope the OP doesn't expect the baby to change it's own nappies......

Why would you have a child with a man who treats his daughter this way?

It makes me think what sort of house is the baby going to be brought up in. Will it be kept in soiled nappies?

This 100000%

Op is complicit in allowing a child to be deprived of basic needs. This is neglect.
This is NOT about sexism. It is about calling out someone being willfully neglectful. Instead of doing that op is allowing this girl to be neglected byvher partner.
Op doesn't have to do the washing, but op should make her partner get his shit together and stop allowing this to continue.
No she chooses to ignore it and have a baby with him instead.

You’re an adult & you’re watching a kid in your house being abused & not helping. Then you too are a part of that abuse

What a bizarre thread! I assume someone in the house is doing laundry because I guess your clothes and your partners clothes are being cleaned? Why are the childs clothes not being put in too? Whoever does the washing in my house just sorts into light/coloured materials and everyone's goes in together. It wouldn't occur to me to leave one person's clothes out just because they were a step child.

The thread title says it all - 'Partner's child', not stepdaughter

I’m not condoning what the OP and her partner (especially her partner, as he is the actual parent) are doing at all, but I don’t think you can fairly pull her up on this. I quite frequently see posts on here saying “you’re not their stepmother, you’re just their dad’s girlfriend” and such like to people who aren’t married to their partners. It’s a bit of a case of dammed if you do, damned if you don’t.

OP, I do find the set up to be very strange and you and your partner cannot continue letting his daughter go to school in dirty clothes. She will be bullied and it will be raised as a safeguarding concern. If you want her to do her own laundry as her contribution to household chores, then you need to make sure that she does it. If she doesn’t do it then one of you needs to do it (which I imagine would be easier anyway) and you need to find something else for her to do, if you want/expect her to contribute. I’m a bit worried that the refusing to wash her clothes stems from laziness and bad parenting (your partner) and pettiness (you) and not an expectation for her to help around the house, but hopefully I am wrong.

Expecting a 13 year old to help out a bit around the house is not unreasonable. Letting a 13 year old go to school smelling and wearing dirty clothes is completely unacceptable. I’m not sure how you can still be with your partner if he isn’t worried about this.

I couldn't let a child under my roof go around with smelly clothes.
Yes, her dad should be washing them but he's not.
I would be doing it to prevent the poor girl from being bullied and ostracised at school and with friends.

Frankly OP, your only take from this being 'I resent her because she's making my home smell' is abhorrent and you should be ashamed of yourself, as should her dad.

Can just envision what's going to happen when the baby comes along and the poor girl is singled out even more.
OP doing the 'family' washing but like fuck will she put a few bits in for SD.

Disgraceful on all accounts.
You can try and wash your hands of this OP but you're just as much to blame.

In your other thread the daughter is 11 years old. In this one she's 13.

In your other thread he's your fiance of 9 years. In this one he's your partner.
In your other thread the SDD stays with you 3 days per week. Why does she not just bring 3 days of clothes with her and take them home if you or your DP/Fiance can't be arsed to do her washing?

I can't believe this child has been in your life for 9 years and you and your partner treat her like this. She must feel so unwanted, and will feel even more so once you have your new baby. Disgraceful!

@CharmerLlama, that is not a thread started by OP. OP has commented on a thread started by someone else and says:

I am pregnant and yes I have already considered what will happen when I get to bring our baby home. I was hoping my partner would let his 13 yo daughter stay with grandparents that first night at least. Is it selfish to want a few moments for myself , I have to share everything else with her as she lives with us full time. I'm glad someone posted about this, I'm relieved.