Partner's child personal hygiene

[Cgd2020]

Any advice or should I just try to forget about it... When my partner and I and his now 13 year old daughter moved in together I deliberately did not take on certain tasks, one being laundry. But my partner does not do or make his daughter wash her clothes. (his mother previously did it for her). As a result her clothes smell, her room smells and it cannot be good for her body/personal hygiene. I dread to think how long she wears her underwear for. During normal school time it must be bad for whoever sits beside her in class. I have said to my partner about this but he doesn't seem bothered, should I just try to let it go?

@CharmerLlama

That's not OP's thread. Although she doesn't come across great there either. Having to "share everything" with her.

Neglect.
It isn't something only one 'parent does'
The op is an adult in the house with a parental role therefore she is just as guilty of neglect and her 'd'p.

Who does the washing in the house? If it's you op then you should be doing or helping her do her own. If it's her dad he needs to do the same.
In my house my husband does the washing and ironing. We have a 14&12 yr old girls. They have washing baskets in their room which he will collect and wash.
The exception being my eldest sanpro which she washes because he has forgotten it doesn't get tumble dried and ruined a few which is blood expensive.

Both adults in the house need to grow up.
You accepted and are having a child with a man who has a daughter, she lives with you and you allow her neglect which make you an abuser too. Got help your child

Washing actually is the bane of most people's homes. I got sick to death of some baskets being emptied going around taking darks from one, colours etc.

So we took them all out of the room and put three wash baskets in the a cupboard. Whites mixed and darks with everything
needed.

Everyone is responsible for putting their clothes into them and once a day dh, dd or I put a load on.

That is a system that could help her get use to doing these things for her self.

Who buys her hygiene essentials? Deodorant, sanitary wear? Does she have access to these things?

Does he rules about changing her bed, opening her window, cleaning her room? These are all things children need to be taught and are basics for living in a home together.

I would take a two pronged approach

1. There is a child in desperate need of assistance by a kind adult. She needs to learn the basic social hygiene rules and her parents are failing her. Step in and help.
2. Have a serious talk with this partner of yours. He is being a bad parent. Do you really want to be with someone who is doing such a poor job. I’d seriously consider kicking him out, but ideally, after you have a chance to complete step 1 because you could make a huge difference in this child’s life.

Any decent human being would just wash the fucking clothes! You are so out of order it's unreal.
What a disgusting way to treat your mans child! Why did you say you wouldn't wash her clothes?
Comes across like you didn't want her there in the first place now this is some sort of punishment. Disgusted isn't even the word right now!

For those going on about the OP getting all the grief, sexism blah blah..it sounds like the girl's father is oblivious/bloody useless (which in in itself needs addressing) The OP however is deliberately neglecting the child on a matter of principle apparently. She deserves all the grief tbh.

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit completely agree!

Purpleartichoke Mon 01-Jun-20 15:43:47
I would take a two pronged approach

1. There is a child in desperate need of assistance by a kind adult. She needs to learn the basic social hygiene rules and her parents are failing her. Step in and help.
2. Have a serious talk with this partner of yours. He is being a bad parent. Do you really want to be with someone who is doing such a poor job. I’d seriously consider kicking him out, but ideally, after you have a chance to complete step 1 because you could make a huge difference in this child’s life.

... That is a very sensible and kindly post.

Straightforward talk is the way to go with both.

That’s just nasty, why did you get with this man knowing he’s got a child if you’re not willing to chip in with her upbringing??

This is heartbreaking ☹️
I have a 12 and a 14 year old and all our washing, including my bf’s who is staying during lockdown goes into one basket and I put a wash on every day.
I wouldn’t expect or want my kids to be using the washing machine (they would no doubt break it or flood the house or turn everything pink no matter how much I explained things to them).
My mum did my washing until I moved out (I did ironing) and I am a perfectly capable mum and human now.
It shouldn’t just be your responsibility to wash your sd’s clothes, it should be whoever does the rest of the washing in the house.

Er hello everyone who is slagging OP off what the fuck is wrong with the childs father - OP is not the drudge who needs to take care of this girl because her own father cannot be bothered, it is the fathers responsibility and I would be giving him absolute hell until he does it.

Because she's willfully ignoring the neglect of this bairn. Deliberately.

Yes it's his responsibility but ignoring it makes her to blame as well. If she's not going to help then she can intervine, contact family and tell them even.

How many bairns could have been protected in the world if someone had just got in there and helped them? This turn a blind eye crap out of principle is bollocks.

You and your DP sound vile. That poor girl. I wasnt washing my own clothes at 13. Christ! She is still a child you are both leaving a 13 year old girl to smell because neither of you can put her clothes in the washing machine... which I am assuming you use for your own clothes? Disgusting
I agree entirely.
You either need to tell your DP under no uncertain terms that he MUST wash her clothes. If he doesn’t, YOU must do them. She is a child, she needs to be cared for ffs. Now isn’t the time to play the whole ‘it’s the principle of it’ card, you are talking about a child whose basic needs are being ignored which will (if it hasn’t already) damage her. Sort yourselves out ffs and take care of the child. She is your responsibility, she is his responsibility and whoever washes your clothes and your DP’s clothes needs to wash hers too for God’s sake

Anyway I doubt the OP is coming back. It was probably just another hand grenade to get people going.

Again. Loads of them atm.

You and your partner actually let that poor girl go to school every day stinking in dirty clothes and underwear? Shame on you. She's a fucking child. I had my washing done for me till I was in my late teens and moved out. It hasn't made me a slob in later life! Wash the poor kids clothes and stop neglecting her. Can't believe you're actually having another baby with this man too. Jeezo.

I haven't RTFT. The poor kid if it's for real get her dad to sort it out. Her room must be filthy with stinky clothes.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read to be honest. Just wash her clothes for fucks sake! You are complicit in the neglect of a child!

@madcatladyforever I think woman to girl you would expect better. Also why is op dating somebody like this. Tbh it’s OP and the child’s dad at fault. It’s not as though she has prompted the girl and the girl is being lazy she clearly hasn’t bothered at all!! The time she took to post this is the same time she could be kind and have a chat with her.
The way people speak about step children puts me right off as though the kids are lost property. Weather you are male/female and you CHOOSE to date somebody with kids they come as a package it’s how it goes!!

It’s not going to kill OP to be nice is it? How would you feel if it was your own child. Also where is the child’s actually mother??

Has OP been back?

She knows how to use the washing machine
She’s 13 years old. She’s a child. She might know how to use a washing machine but she’s clearly not doing it so an adult needs to step in. She’s not going to become a spoilt brat just because she didn’t do her own washing at 13 Christ most people I know didn’t start doing their washing until they went to uni.
In some ways I am resentful, I don't want our home to stink
So your concern is for your home and not your SD’s hygiene? Your attitude fucking stinks and so does your partner’s.
Maybe I also can't believe partner lets this go on
Then you need to force him to do the washing. Failing that, YOU do it!!!! The person who does the washing in the house whether that’s you or DP’s needs to do her washing too.

This is actually disgusting, that poor girl. You both should be utterly ashamed of your neglect.

See how it goes when she's back at school and someone reports it to SW as you're welcoming your new baby. Or hopefully your health visitor turns up and notices how neglected the SD is.

I am fucking disgusted.

I just can even

How can you both be so cruel?

Isn't it what mums do

It's what parents do. But most on this thread seem far more interested in bashing the girlfriend who is concerned about this, rather than the father who is not...

this is sad. kids get bullied and ostracised for smelling. either her dad needs to sort it out or you do. as you are obviously more sensitive to these things either address it with him directly or deal with her yourself. whatever - don't let it continue.