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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Partner's child personal hygiene

232 replies

Cgd2020 · 31/05/2020 22:46

Any advice or should I just try to forget about it... When my partner and I and his now 13 year old daughter moved in together I deliberately did not take on certain tasks, one being laundry. But my partner does not do or make his daughter wash her clothes. (his mother previously did it for her). As a result her clothes smell, her room smells and it cannot be good for her body/personal hygiene. I dread to think how long she wears her underwear for. During normal school time it must be bad for whoever sits beside her in class. I have said to my partner about this but he doesn't seem bothered, should I just try to let it go?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

gamerchick · 31/05/2020 23:22

*That’s not OPs thread, she commented on that thread mentioning her 13yo step daughter#

You're right, I stand corrected.

minimummum · 31/05/2020 23:25

Omg. What an awful post. My son is 17 and I still do his washing. Isn't it what mums do

gamerchick · 31/05/2020 23:30

I couldn't take on someone else's kid and then just ignore their needs. Poor kid, maybe she should go back to her mother or grandmother where she'll be cared for. Especially when a new baby comes into it and she's ignored further. Her dad is a disgrace, I wouldn't want to breed with someone like that.

I'm sure you'll get a dose of what he's like in time when your own baby arrives OP.

AllsortsofAwkward · 31/05/2020 23:30

It's like expecting her to make her own tea when you've made yours and you're dps. You would make it all together it's the same principle, why wouldn't you put her clothes in you're wash. Shes still a child not 18.

AllsortsofAwkward · 31/05/2020 23:31

Oh god it gets worse you're pregnant. I'm guessing you're going to single her out further.

Barton10 · 31/05/2020 23:32

As you are living as a family why wouldn’t you split chores equally with your partner including washing. Are you really only washing your clothes? Would it hurt to put hers in to. Poor girl is 13 and needs some help.

SoggySocksAgain · 31/05/2020 23:32

I don't understand why you won't put her washing on for her when she is only 13 years old? 17 years old, I could understand. 13? She is only just a teen.

DodgeRainClouds · 31/05/2020 23:33

She is 13! Help the poor kid and wash her bloody clothes.

OtterBe4 · 31/05/2020 23:34

I wonder if they baby will be doing it’s own laundry??
You’re meant to be a family, act like one.
Your DP sounds vile, good luck having a. baby with that schmuck.

dobbyssoc · 31/05/2020 23:37

Who washes your clothes? Why do you think it's appropriate as a parent to allow a child in your care to smell because she has no clean clothes?

Noti23 · 31/05/2020 23:41

For everyone bitter with the op, I think this reflects the sexist and detrimental mindset we have of the parenting duties of men. She is HIS DAUGHTER!! He should be concerned. How many people here would ridicule a step-dad that didn’t parent the child of a mother who didn’t care enough?? I bet none, and I come from a family with an “evil step-mum”. Give op a break, she cares but it’s not her kid.

Namechange8471 · 31/05/2020 23:41

Wash her clothes?!
Any clothes in my house get washed regardless of whose they are.
I know a 13 year old should know how to work a washer etc, but surely you or your partner do the bulk of it?

Cheeeeislifenow · 31/05/2020 23:42

Your partner is being neglectful and you are helping him be neglectful. Your attitude bro your step child is what stinks.
If you and your partner split and he met someone new would you like your child to be treated like that?
I try never to be mean but this is really fucking horrible..

dobbyssoc · 31/05/2020 23:43

@Noti23 if my DO refused to do any washing for his daughter he would be out however if I took on caring responsibilities of a child I would ensure she had clean clothes if her father was useless. Taking it out on the child is selfish

walkingchuckydoll · 31/05/2020 23:43

Any clothes in my house get washed regardless of whose they are.

Same here, even if there are visitors for just a couple of days I'll tell them when I put a washing on (like whites, darks, mixed or towels) and they can add whatever.

AllsortsofAwkward · 31/05/2020 23:44

Today 22:39Cgd2020

I am pregnant and yes I have already considered what will happen when I get to bring our baby home. I was hoping my partner would let his 13 yo daughter stay with grandparents that first night at least. Is it selfish to want a few moments for myself , I have to share everything else with her as she lives with us full time. I'm glad someone posted about this, I'm relieved.

Says it all she doesnt like this girl and resent her. I imagine this will get once the baby is here. Please let this girl live with her grandparents who treat her with kindness.

UnderCaffeinated · 31/05/2020 23:45

Oh this is really unkind. She's 13, I wouldn't expect her to wash her own clothes at 13, let her be a teenager. Teach her responsibility by all means but if you're in a relationship with her father serious enough to live together, I think you can find the heart to participate in caring for his child too.

You don't have to run around after her and take on parenting duties but you could have a little tiny bit of a heart and wash her clothes when you do other laundry in the house, as it isn't like you're not washing your clothes/your partners clothes anyway. Have a chat with her about hygiene, buy her some nice toiletries (doesn't have to be expensive!) and just be a kind person in her life she can trust and feel safe with. It's not hard to be a decent person.

Cheeeeislifenow · 31/05/2020 23:45

For everyone bitter with the op, I think this reflects the sexist and detrimental mindset we have of the parenting duties of men. She is HIS DAUGHTER!! He should be concerned

Yes, however op has let this go on for at least nine months as she is pregnant by him.
Anyone else would pull him on it and quite frankly be reporting him to SS for neglect, not getting pregnant and building a life with them.

borntohula · 31/05/2020 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AllsortsofAwkward · 31/05/2020 23:51

You give step mothers a bad name its neglect. I hope this is a troll if not I hope the school contacts you as it's a safeguarding issue.

Lynda07 · 31/05/2020 23:55

You really do need to have a frank conversation with the girl.

At 13 I started having periods and really wanted to see to my own underclothes but my mum shrieked at me that she was going to do it. I hated her poking around in my things and was quite capable of doing it myself. It was a matter of self respect to me. Once you get past a certain age (unless you're ill, disabled or very old), never let anyone else wash your knickers.

I think she is probably embarrassed to suddenly start doing washing, make it easier for her, you'll both feel better for a talk.

Your husband is useless.

heaveneggs · 31/05/2020 23:55

You are BOTH allowing a CHILD in your care to go to school knowing they smell with unclean clothes?

Absolutely disgusting behaviour. This is a little girl who’s body is changing and CLEARLY needs some guidance on how or what to do as SHE ISN'T ALREADY DOING IT.

Get your acts together ASAP or you will have a very troubled young adult on your hands.

Teddy275 · 31/05/2020 23:56

Oh I'm sad to read this, please just wash the poor girls clothes. Life is tough enough for a young teen without having this issue to deal with. I understand that you think it is her fathers role but he clearly isn't willing to step up to the mark (whole other thread...) but please don't punish her.

Neveranynamesleft · 31/05/2020 23:56

She's 13 and you expect her to wash her own clothes?? Do you expect her to cook her own food too ?? Sounds to me like you're the one with the problem. This is neglect, you all live under the same roof, as a family, act like a responsible, caring adult before somebody reports you .

KylieKoKo · 01/06/2020 00:01

@minimummum I have to correct you there. It's what parents do. Dad's have the ability to use a washing machine. He should be stepping up here. It isn't women's responsibility to mop up all the shit work of parenting when men can't be bothered with looking after their own kids

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