Is anyone happier with no contact?

[Oggden1]

Dp exw stopped contact due to her dp shielding. Which is what it is.
I realised the other day it's been 6 weeks, and other than the overwhelming lockdown stuff around childcare its been easier. Dp and me work as a team better with our toddler, I've been jingling work ft studying and no childcare and it's worked. Dp even said we row less... Which is true.
There mess but less mess than normal and the washing done and everything seems to work better and no exw drama.
Were still facetimeing every other day and we've sned Easter eggs and planted sunflowers n stuff like that for them with ds. Which has been nice.
I know it's smmeems wrong but having family time just 3 of us and not all the other drama is relaxing.
Dp misses them obviously but ds is too young really and hasn't noticed. I've been able to study in the evenings when ds is asleep rather than surrounded by noise.
I know 1 will always be easier than 4 but I'm slightly dreading the chaos returning (we have them 40% normally) . I hope I'm not alone and not a monster.

This doesn’t just apply to step parents. It’s the same for biological mums and dads

Yes definitely agree.

This doesn’t just apply to step parents. It’s the same for biological mums and dads

No but bio mums are not villainised like stepmums are.

This doesn’t just apply to step parents. It’s the same for biological mums and dads

I do agree, but a mum who is doing everything for her own children is going at her own pace by her own rules and without another woman (the ex) lurking in the background ready to boss her about and find faults at any given opportunity.

It’s much easier to be the mum running around doing everything in a together family for her own children, than it is being a stepmum for children that aren’t hers.

Dad and stepdads get a much easier deal. But I have to say, a dad sitting playing games with his children all day wouldn’t be praised for it. A stepdad doing the same with his stepkids would be called cute and amazing. Believe me.

No but bio mums are not villainised like stepmums are.

To be fair I think if I came on here and posted a thread saying that I prefer my life without my kids and that they make mess, create washing and need cooking for, and I prefer not doing those things, I think I’d get torn to pieces by most posters. I chose to have kids, if I feel like that (I don’t) but it’s pointless saying it, I’ve had them, I need to get on with it and make my partner step up if I’m not coping.

They may not be OPs kids but for me the same logic applies. The dad should be stepping up to look after his kids but she chose to be with someone with kids so deal with it.

Men generally get off lighter though. They’re seen to be great if they ‘help’. Don’t put up with it. Step mums shouldn’t have to do as much for their step kids, their dad should step up, he should want to. If I was with a bloke who had kids and he didn’t do a lot of their care, he’d become deeply unattractive very quickly.

I think I’d get torn to pieces by most posters

Maybe by a small few but I actually think in th most part you'd get support and words of advice.

I've seen threads on here from parents saying they literally hate their kids because they are finding it so hard to deal with certain things and no one had a pop. Everyone was supportive and kind.

IronShame

That’s not my experience at all. I think when anyone says they’re happier without their kids it’s not going to go down well, whether that’s bio kids or step kids.
Adults choose to have kids, or be with someone that has kids. If you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. As a bio parent, you’re kind of screwed and ‘stuck’ bringing your kids up. But a step parent can just walk away at any time. Even if you have your own child, if it’s so miserable being part of your step kids lives, live separately and don’t be a step mum. Don’t spend you’re life being unhappy looking after someone else’s kids. It’s not good for you and more importantly it’s not good for the kids. Writing a post about how wonderful it is not to have your step kids around when you went into the relationship with eyes fully open, knowing the step kids existed is always going to raise a few eyebrows. People like me think, just leave them if it’s so bad with them around. And they just feel sorry for the kids

No you're definitely allowed to hate your own kids on MN. Because behind that hate is a mother's love and everyone knows you love them deep down and you're just stressed or overwhelmed etc.

Step mothers don't have that deep down love so when you're stressed or upset with your step kids everyone assumes you hate them with a fiery passion and you're evil and they know it etc etc

I could say my toddler was being a bit of an arsehole today and that would be fine. If I said my step child was being a bit of an arsehole today I'd get the shit ripped out of me.

Writing a post about how wonderful it is not to have your step kids around when you went into the relationship with eyes fully open, knowing the step kids existed

Hahahaha yes well we all know they exist but you're having a laugh if you think everyone who becomes a step parent knows how it would turn out.

I agree, most posters would probably be concerned for a mother who posted that, rather than tear her to pieces.

But also, the two are just not really comparable.

Mother prefers her time not looking after her own kids - goes against natural maternal instincts so is possibly a concern something might be seriously wrong with the situation to have made her feel that way.

Step mother prefers her time not looking after someone else's kids... not really surprising or news worthy.

Most people enjoy times they aren't looking after other people's kids at least as much as they enjoy the times they are. There's no indication she isn't "dealing" with it, she's just expressing a musing that should be quite obvious really. When somebody isn't your child, you're not going to be devastated they're not there 24/7, and you will probably enjoy a break from looking after them, as well. Doesn't mean you hate looking after them, just that you also like not looking after them.

Hahahaha yes well we all know they exist but you're having a laugh if you think everyone who becomes a step parent knows how it would turn out.

But you can walk away at any time. Live separately to your partner. Let your partner do the parenting.

Yeah it's very simple to say that isn't it.

If I wanted to walk away right now I'd have to sell our joint house and seperate my son from his dad. I'd have to move nest my parents for support so pull son out of nursery and find somewhere else to live.

And weirdly enough some of us actually love our other halves and don't want to leave them because of their batshit ex's or because they have kids. We are still allowed to have a bit of a whinge sometimes believe it or not.

Well we'll agree to disagree on that one. I definitely think people are a lot more understanding and tolerant on here of bio parents struggling/overwhelmed/stressed with their own kids.

aSofaNearYou

I do get what you’re saying and can agree with some of it.

I just think as a step parent, you don’t have to do it. If I was really unhappy looking after step children, I would walk away. You have a choice in a way that the bio parent doesn’t. Although again many dads (and some mums) often do just walk away but they are just total arseholes.

I’m actually fine with someone saying they’ve had a bad day or whatever with their kids or step kids. But OPs post saying she’s happier without her step kids.... well she is without them 60% of the time and she could choose to never see them if things are that bad.

I still think it’s her partner that’s a big issue though.🤣

She could choose never to see them but that means breaking up her family. Would she actually be happier? Your logic is totally flawed.

Well we'll agree to disagree on that one. I definitely think people are a lot more understanding and tolerant on here of bio parents struggling/overwhelmed/stressed with their own kids.

I think it’s how it’s worded to be honest. OPs post seemed to almost wish that life was just the three of them all the time.

@velocitygirl7
You sound a spiteful person, gleeful your kids hate their stepmum, would you like to be hated?
You cannot expect someone to love your kids the way you do, OP has her own child and rightfully is enjoying the break the way Im sure any parent would.
If this was a DM saying she’s loving the peace from her own kids nobody would bat an eyelid but heaven forbid a stepmum doesn’t martyr herself at the feet of someone else’s kids 🙄🙄

I just think as a step parent, you don’t have to do it. If I was really unhappy looking after step children, I would walk away. You have a choice in a way that the bio parent doesn’t.

But even if they stay they don’t have to do it. If I had a friend who was struggling as a stepparent and they said they didn’t like looking after their stepchildren, I would not say you need to leave your partner then. I would say explore other options e.g. during the school holidays don’t give up your time to look after them if you don’t want to. They’re not your kids. Tell your partner to do what many other parents do and pay for holiday clubs.

I’m not a step parent but I feel this way about my own kids

She could choose never to see them but that means breaking up her family. Would she actually be happier? Your logic is totally flawed.

She could see her partner when he’s not got his kids or she could see his kids but not have to be step mum, she’s just dads partner but dad does the looking after. Their child together could see his/her step siblings with or without her. She’s get the ‘me time’ she likes without the burden of being step mum. Her relationship isn’t broken up, she just doesn’t have to be step mum if she doesn’t want to be. She really doesn’t have to be.

My cousin has a child aged 4 with her boyfriend. She doesn’t live with him because she doesn’t want to be step mum to his older children who he has 50/50. She sees them, she’s dads girlfriend to them. They all get on, older kids love their little sister. My cousin stays with her partner or he stays with her when he doesn’t have his older kids. He also looks after their child together overnight once a week so she has time to herself. It sounds pretty good to me.

I’m not a step parent but I feel this way about my own kids

🤣🤣🤣 I’m sure many do at the moment especially. There’s no escape. 🤣

But even if they stay they don’t have to do it.

I agree. Their actual parent should always be doing most of the work. Too many step mums let the bio dads just be lazy arses and a lot of dads need no encouragement to just sit back and let the woman do it all. But again, that’s a relationship problem.

🤣🤣🤣 I’m sure many do at the moment especially. There’s no escape. 🤣

Can you imagine if a stepmum wrote even a tongue in cheek comment? People would still get arsey about it.

Can you imagine if a stepmum wrote even a tongue in cheek comment? People would still get arsey about it.

I don’t think so. Well not reasonable people anyway. Kids can be really hard work, even when they’re well behaved, it’s a time consuming task caring for them.

Again I think it’s how things are worded. Having a bad day/week or whatever. Feeling stressed about behaviour or being tired, no reasonable person will have a problem with that, every parent or step parent will have felt like that.

But to say that you are overall happier without your children or step children being around, that’s different. You need to look at what needs changing if you feel like that. In OPs case it sounds like dad needs to actually be a dad.

From the opposite perspective, my kids have been unable to have contact with their dad for months now (he became very ill even before shielding started) and I've had the kids full time. And it's been so much more relaxed without the back and forth to his house. The kids enjoy each other's company more and row less than when he's around.

Although they love him, my conclusion is that the transition is actually quite stressful on all of us.

OP, the ex wife in your scenario may be having the same experience.

I've seen threads on here from parents saying they literally hate their kids because they are finding it so hard to deal with certain things and no one had a pop. Everyone was supportive and kind.

I agree. Those who think mums and step mums are treated with the same level of understanding are really not aware of the reality.