Is anyone happier with no contact?

[Oggden1]

Dp exw stopped contact due to her dp shielding. Which is what it is.
I realised the other day it's been 6 weeks, and other than the overwhelming lockdown stuff around childcare its been easier. Dp and me work as a team better with our toddler, I've been jingling work ft studying and no childcare and it's worked. Dp even said we row less... Which is true.
There mess but less mess than normal and the washing done and everything seems to work better and no exw drama.
Were still facetimeing every other day and we've sned Easter eggs and planted sunflowers n stuff like that for them with ds. Which has been nice.
I know it's smmeems wrong but having family time just 3 of us and not all the other drama is relaxing.
Dp misses them obviously but ds is too young really and hasn't noticed. I've been able to study in the evenings when ds is asleep rather than surrounded by noise.
I know 1 will always be easier than 4 but I'm slightly dreading the chaos returning (we have them 40% normally) . I hope I'm not alone and not a monster.

But to say that you are overall happier without your children or step children being around, that’s different. You need to look at what needs changing if you feel like that. In OPs case it sounds like dad needs to actually be a dad.

He does but what if he doesn’t? Again it all falls on to the woman to paper over the cracks. It’s no wonder stepmums in these positions end up feeling fed up.
If it is indeed that bad then I’m sure a break from her stepchildren will be very warmly welcomed. Until she gets the courage to tell him to leave, it’s a little bit of respite at least.

I’m not even

Ignore that bottom bit. I don’t even remember what I was writing.

He does but what if he doesn’t? Again it all falls on to the woman to paper over the cracks. It’s no wonder stepmums in these positions end up feeling fed up.
If it is indeed that bad then I’m sure a break from her stepchildren will be very warmly welcomed. Until she gets the courage to tell him to leave, it’s a little bit of respite at least.

Well if he doesn’t change, then personally I’d leave the relationship. Men like this will keep behaving like this if they’re allowed to unfortunately. We see that every day on here. But it’s the step kids or the ex wife that are seen to be the problem when it’s often not the case.

So yes, in OPs case she’s glad of the rest understandably. But she needs to look deeper, yes 4 kids are hard work but it sounds like it’s because she’s left doing everything because her partner leaves her to it and isn’t being the dad his kids need or the partner that she deserves.

But it’s the step kids or the ex wife that are seen to be the problem when it’s often not the case.

Unfortunately the ex wife can be just as much part of the problem as the partner. It’s not a nice mixture to have to put up with. I know it’s not the children’s fault but it can all end up clouding how you feel about your role in the children’s lives.

EveryLifeHasaSoundtrack

I guess I just don't think her admitting to herself that she has a mild preference for when they're not there needs to be such a big deal that she would need to leave. She says they get on fine and she has said nothing about doing anything to act on that preference. I have a preference for cake as well as vegetables, but that doesn't mean that the times I have to eat vegetables are a big problem for me.

Though I agree with you that it sounds like her partner needs to step up more, she shouldn't be doing all of the chores.

But it's the step kids or the ex wife that are seen to be the problem when it's often not the case

As a side note, there's actually no harm in admitting the step kids themselves can often be a part of why a step parent doesn't fully enjoy being around them. Many children have various behavioural issues, minor or major, and can be hard work. Often children have specific resentments towards their step parents, as well. Obviously it goes without saying that there is a necessity to treat them well despite these things, but why would anyone actively prefer the times they are dealing with that, to times they are not? It's natural.

That doesn't mean they see their step child as being there as "a problem", but unless you get along extraordinarily well with your step child and never have any sort of behavioural struggles with them, it is still not shocking or appalling to enjoy the times you are not with them.

@JKScot4 wow, you really are unpleasant!
Where on earth does it say I'm 'gleeful' that my dc hate their stepmother?

I went through utter heartbreak with my dc when they were younger.
Their stepmum made them feel unloved, unwanted and I tried desperately to be amicable with her for their sakes. Both dh & I were incredibly mindful of what we said about her, even when the dc were being incredibly negative about her and their Dad.

Dd is now 19, I have a great relationship with her and just recently she has started to open up more about exactly how she used to feel staying at her Dads.

JKScot4 wow, you really are unpleasant!

@velocitygirl7 that is rich coming from you

As at least 4 PP have pointed out, you have been incredibly nasty to the OP. Calling her a shit parent, making unpleasant comments about her personality and marriage. Continuously.

I guarantee you're the classic nightmare ex for the poor woman who ended up as your dcs SM. Bitter. As I called it early on.

So kids pick up everything their step parents feel about then even if said step parents don't outwardly express it but they're oblivious to how one set of parent and step parent feel about the other. That's funny isn't it.

Kids are soooooo perceptive is what we are told oh so often.

Looks like they’re not so perceptive after all...

Yes I'm also loving the fact that PPs first post said

It's ok they can't stand her but hide it so very well because they love their Dad and sibling. She'd never know

So on one hand, her kids are able to hide their literal hate for their SM and 'she'd never know' yet SC will 100% know that OP mildly prefers her time when they aren't there.

to @EveryLifeHasASoundtrack
Adults choose to have kids, or be with someone that has kids. If you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. As a bio parent, you’re kind of screwed and ‘stuck’ bringing your kids up. But a step parent can just walk away at any time. Even if you have your own child, if it’s so miserable being part of your step kids lives, live separately and don’t be a step mum.
Not true.
My BF met a woman who convinced him that she using all the birth control measuers and asked him to not use condom because she has allergy to them (oldest trick ever, i know).
Obviously she got pregnant very quickly and said to him she did it to force him to form a relationship with her. She did not achieve that but he has been full time dad for that boy from the day they came home from hospidal.
HE DID NOT CHOOSE TO BECOME A DAD.
He is now but only because someone else chose that for him.
I did not choose to live with him. We lived separately for two years. But his son loves me dearly. He loves me. And my BF asked: why we have to suffer and not have chance for normal family, because that mean selfish woman from his past.
And he is right. We did not chose it, but we have to live with the accident he had 6 years ago. We are dealing with the consequences of someones scam.

Do I have to.mention that BM don't have her son more than 1 or 2 days a week because she can not tolerate the mess the child creates in her house?
Twce a year She takes him to holiday parks when entertainers are keeping her son busy, so she can take a loads of pictures for social media to show what a great mum she is and then the boy will be with us again. No one tells her: you chose it. You work hard, lied, manipulated, faked to achive it. Deal with it. No: she doesn't feel like and its OK dear @EveryLifeHasASoundtrack

@Annaminna
Grown up men don’t put their penis anywhere near a vagina unless they are prepared to deal with any possible consequences. The sob story doesn’t work. Yes the child’s mother may well have been at it, but he still chose to have sex with her.

A bit late to the party but am totally with you OP. Less chaos, mess, noise, washing, cooking - what's not to like? Also if we both had to WFH with all three kids there rather than just one (mine) it would be difficult.

but a mum who is doing everything for her own children is going at her own pace by her own rules and without another woman (the ex) lurking in the background ready to boss her about and find faults at any given opportunity

My experience has been the opposite. My ex and his partner consider they have a right to comment to our children on every aspect of my parenting. That’s parenting they neither see nor experience but find out about by quizzing the children or by taking comments such as ‘oh mummy went to see that film’ to mean that I left them home alone sitting in the dark with no heating on.... Step mum believes she has a right to one of two tickets to school plays. She also believed she had a right to be the one adult allowed to be with my son when he was in the HDU in hospital. She actually told a nurse to tell me to leave.

Believe me, it is very difficult to parent with a very bitter ex and new partner second guessing your every move in the background. Works both ways.

Howaboutanewname I’m sure it does work both ways. By my own experience though, I resented the ex thinking she could tell me what to do or thinking she had the right to know my business and make snide comments just because she’s the mum. It did make me feel like shit when all I wanted to do was get along and be able get on with my life without all that drama.

At least as a mum, you are able to be confident in your own decisions and you love your children unconditionally, so if anyone questions you and your life you can just hold your head up high. As a stepmum you are always at the mercy of the ex and you feel like you can’t answer back. It’s got a feel of “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!!” if you answer back to the ex. Like when a celebrity thinks they are royalty and demand respect.

I just want to add. I think your children’s stepmum is majorly overstepping with things like the hospital and trying to take your ticket for school plays. Those things are obviously extreme and not normal. I just didn’t want you think I was ignoring that.

He misses them when they are away but like me, relishes time when it's the two of us.

How is Saint Mr Velocity relishing the time when the kids aren't there, any different to the op relishing the time when the kids aren't there?

I think if you could get inside your dh's head you'd find that he's not so head over heels with your kids as you think. You've literally said he "relishes" it when the kids aren't there. That's exactly what the op has described. And that's ok. That's a natural part of being a good step. But velocity wouldn't know that because she isn't one.

For some reason its ok for her husband to enjoy time without his stepkids but not the op.

Grown up men don’t put their penis anywhere near a vagina unless they are prepared to deal with any possible consequences. The sob story doesn’t work. Yes the child’s mother may well have been at it, but he still chose to have sex with her.

Exactly.

I'm the opposite had dsc here near on constantly. I love them dearly but having 4 kids arguing and having to entertain whilst wfh full time I look forward to the peace when they go home! I also look forward to my dds going to their dads house for the weekend. Doesn't make me a bad parent or a bad step parent.

For some reason its ok for her husband to enjoy time without his stepkids but not the op

Ohhh it’s probably because he’s a stepdad and they’re allowed a break due to living with the rp. Blah blah blah. Makes no difference to me. If you need a break you need a break. Makes no difference whether you’re a stepmum or the big heroic stepdad.

@notanotherpandemic apparently according to PP's it doesn't make you a bad parent but absolutely makes you a terrible step parent. I think you are supposed to prefer having your step kids than your own dc, it's ok to want a break from them just never the dsc

@EveryLifeHasASoundtrack
Did you read my post at all?
I said HE is the one who took responsibility and raising their son. SHE is refusing to have DS more than 3 nights in fortnight. She has no interest to deal with a kid who failed to give her a husband. She is out and abouy every weekend hoping to get pregnant with someone else.

Annaminna

Someone else replied to your post. I simply agreed with them. Your partner looks after his bio son as he should. It sounds like the child’s mum is crap.