Is anyone happier with no contact?

[Oggden1]

Dp exw stopped contact due to her dp shielding. Which is what it is.
I realised the other day it's been 6 weeks, and other than the overwhelming lockdown stuff around childcare its been easier. Dp and me work as a team better with our toddler, I've been jingling work ft studying and no childcare and it's worked. Dp even said we row less... Which is true.
There mess but less mess than normal and the washing done and everything seems to work better and no exw drama.
Were still facetimeing every other day and we've sned Easter eggs and planted sunflowers n stuff like that for them with ds. Which has been nice.
I know it's smmeems wrong but having family time just 3 of us and not all the other drama is relaxing.
Dp misses them obviously but ds is too young really and hasn't noticed. I've been able to study in the evenings when ds is asleep rather than surrounded by noise.
I know 1 will always be easier than 4 but I'm slightly dreading the chaos returning (we have them 40% normally) . I hope I'm not alone and not a monster.

My DC are at their DF's for the weekend, im enjoying the peace and tranquility, the lack of mess and things to do and they are mine and I adore the ground they walk on. Not sure why it would be bad that a step parent feels the same

Not sure why it would be bad that a step parent feels the same

Them being a step parent is precisely the reason why it's bad.

@velocitygirl7
I’m not sure what you want to get out of this thread. You’ve called the OP a shit parent many times, you’ve belittled and jeered at others on this thread and you keep on telling us how wonderful your husband is (which is great by the way, I’m glad you’re happy!)
When others give their point of view you make snide comments as apparently they aren’t as relevant as yours?
I think if anyone ‘clearly has a lot going on’ it’s you?

@Helmlover1
I'm not a step parent, so how on earth can I answer that question?

My ex dh & his wife certainly put dh & I through hell at times, so I know exactly how that feels.

What I want is the horrendous double standards on the step parenting board to stop.
Can you imagine the responses if op had been a step dad?

I also want op to see how sad it is that she feels the way she does. Sad for the dc and sad also for her dh.

It's not sad though. It's completely natural. You're trying to twist something natural into your idea of what someone should feel. You can't do that with feelings no matter how much you want to try.

I've seen double standards on both sides of the fence. I've seen step dad's praised for minor things and step mothers berated for minor things whilst doing all cooking, cleaning and sometimes basic care for their step kids.

It's never enough. One minute you should back off because you're not their parent and the next you need to be more involved otherwise you're a shit parent.

No step parent can win imo, dad or mum.

@velocitygirl7 it would be equally ridiculous for a step dad to be vilified for enjoying some quiet time. What double standards are you even talking about?

No step parent can win imo, dad or mum

Are you projecting?

@velocitygirl7 then stop projecting.

Also what you seem unaware that different people find it easier to bond with children at different ages. So your husband may simply have ended up in the lives of your children at the right time for him.

(BTW I'm missing my SC but I like children that age.)

Can you imagine the responses if op had been a step dad?

I would have said exactly the same. Funilly enough though step dad's are viewed as "stepping up" and amazing brilliant men for "taking on" someone else's kids. A woman doing the same thing is usually told she's stepping on toes and too involved.

Those step dad's usually live in the same house and pay for stuff. That's it. Step mums usually end up doing all the hard work and get no thanks for it.

Those are the double standards I see on here.

@velocitygirl7 so why on earth are you on a step parenting board telling other people how to feel if you’ve never been in that position yourself? For all you know, if you had step kids you might hate them..you don’t know, do you? Yet you’re here trying to make other step parents feel guilty about not missing their step kids! Yeah, talk about double standards

@Helmlover1 obviously because my dc are stepchildren, they have a stepmother and dh is their stepfather

@BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup that maybe true but my original point was, I never would have settled for someone who felt the way op does.
Life is hard enough for dc when their parents separate. Being part of a household that contains someone who prefers it when you're not around, is clearly not a positive experience for anyone involved.

Can you imagine the responses if op had been a step dad?

I’d still be sticking up for her.

Stepdads don’t get as much stick as stepmums do. They’re usually as seen as the big hero. When I was with my ex, his ex wife seemed to think her partner could do no wrong and just loved to find faults in me.

Funny how her child felt very differently.

But you're not a step parent @velocitygirl7 therefore you can't possibly know how you'd feel. Also you don't know for certain for your DH feels. Let's not pretend you do.

Yes OP I get how you feel completely but you must know Mumsnet hate step mums and so cannot consider our ages posts objectively

@TrustTheGeneGenie I know a handful of step-dads who do more than that. However their wives expect it of them.

The children expect both men and women to look after children in the family equally. Those who are adults and have children do it.

@velocitygirl7- that still just makes you a parent, not a step parent. Still doesn’t given you the right to berate the op or any other step parent as you’ve never been in that position.

@velocitygirl7

But you still don’t know that you would be a paragon of maternal devotion to any future step children you might have?
Just because my DH was a DSS doesn’t mean I, as a child of parents who have been happily married for 35 years, am qualified to be telling him how he must or must not feel towards his step mother and step father.

I don't believe parenting should be "expected" of someone who isn't a parent. If they WANT to parent, excellent. Should they have to? No. Doesn't make them bad people for not parenting. I just suggested that step mothers are criticised for that whilst men are praised.

I have a step father myself. I am under no illusions he did not parent me but I didn't expect him to (I was 14 when he moved in with us) but we have a brilliant relationship.

Are you projecting?

Why does that statement mean I'm projecting?

Maybe read my posts. I've said multiple times I've nothing to project about. I have a good relationship with my DHs ex.

All it means is I've read these boards long enough to know that step parents are not very favoured on MN.

It's ok they can't stand her but hide it so very well because they love their Dad and sibling. She'd never know.

How sad, do you drip poison in their ears,
because you sound bitter.

Op, let's just hope you're not the ex wife one day. Let's face it, isn't the divorce rate almost 50% of marriages now? It's even higher for 2nd marriages!

Oh see there we are, confirmed, bitter.

I'm so very thankful that dh loves his stepchildren like they are his own

Or so you're led to believe. Nobody loves someone else's child like they are their own especially if they have their own. You're deluded.

Oh for fucks sake this thread is ridiculous.It’s too much to expect an step parent to love and adore your children like you do - it just is. If the step parent is kind, cares for their well-being and supports their relationship with their parent, why can’t that be enough?

Exactly! But it's never enough for the bitter people that just can't move on.

velocitygirl7- that still just makes you a parent, not a step parent. Still doesn’t given you the right to berate the op or any other step parent as you’ve never been in that position

Very true. But still she's slaying the OP. Bitter and probably a nightmare for the poor unfortunate woman who is SM to her DC.

The issue I have between comparing step dad's and step mum's is because I think it's much more acceptable for women to do the 'work'. So a step dad may just play a few Xbox games with his step kids and be seen as bloody marvelous whilst mum does all the grunt work for her kids. However, it so often falls to the step mum to do the 'mum' work in dad's house too.

I know lots of SMs who've fallen into that trap in whereas the ex's partner (step dad) isn't doing nearly as much 'for the DC'.

@velocitygirl7
You've said some appalling things to and about the op. You've been cruel, you've twisted what she said in her op. You've accused the op of saying and having feelings that you cannot possibly know that she does but you've presented them as fact.
Looks to me like you've taken every negative about your own children's stepmother and decided to apply all that to the op.
You've been very unfair to her.

Yes OP, agree, my three SDC were self isolating for a few weeks and I didn’t miss them.
It was calm and relaxing, no denying the truth.

You shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s absolutely normal.