Is anyone happier with no contact?

[Oggden1]

Dp exw stopped contact due to her dp shielding. Which is what it is.
I realised the other day it's been 6 weeks, and other than the overwhelming lockdown stuff around childcare its been easier. Dp and me work as a team better with our toddler, I've been jingling work ft studying and no childcare and it's worked. Dp even said we row less... Which is true.
There mess but less mess than normal and the washing done and everything seems to work better and no exw drama.
Were still facetimeing every other day and we've sned Easter eggs and planted sunflowers n stuff like that for them with ds. Which has been nice.
I know it's smmeems wrong but having family time just 3 of us and not all the other drama is relaxing.
Dp misses them obviously but ds is too young really and hasn't noticed. I've been able to study in the evenings when ds is asleep rather than surrounded by noise.
I know 1 will always be easier than 4 but I'm slightly dreading the chaos returning (we have them 40% normally) . I hope I'm not alone and not a monster.

Why does that statement mean I'm projecting?

Using a situation to extrapolate to an opinion.

All it means is I've read these boards long enough to know that step parents are not very favoured on MN

Which isn’t the same as “no step-parent can win”, hence me asking.

Life is hard enough for dc when their parents separate.

My children’s lives have become better. And on the long list of reasons for that, is the fact that they no longer have to deal with the pressures of being in a blended family where they were born second.

Which is why I said imo Marie. I'm not surprised, you've shown multiple times a complete lack of being able to read what people have said very clearly.

On MN they can't win.

You don't get involved and you're a heartless bitch and they know you hate them and you've scarred them for life.

You do get involved and you're stepping on toes and excluding their poor mother and putting the kids in an awful situation.

If this makes it any clearer for you...

In my opinion, from spending time reading these boards, I think step parents can't win whatever they do and will always be criticised by someone, whether they be a step mum or step dad.

Which is why I said imo Marie. I'm not surprised, you've shown multiple times a complete lack of being able to read what people have said very clearly

Oh I can read perfectly well, hence why sweeping statements are rather obtuse.

I’ve long been a champion of the step-parent on MN. Maybe an AS would help you out a touch before typing incorrect statements in earnest.

Anyway. Have a lovely day, the sun is shining and I’ve made a new rule to myself as to when threads become pointless

I totally understand. I have a teenage DSS and a toddler. Its not my role to love DSS and pretend to be his parent. Children have many different supportive relationships with adults without them having to have a parental role. It's my job to support DH in his relationship with his son and not be barrier to that. Lockdown has taken the mystery out of DHs visits from DSS - has anyone heard from his, does he want to visit, what will he want to do and does that mean me and DD cant do her usual activity because DH then needs the car and if DSS doesn't do what he wants then ex will complain its because DH loves DD more and he is causing DSS to be depressed by not taking him to airsoft regardless of whether we can afford it regularly. It's the added stress that I dont miss as well as PIL then dropping in to see DSS overstay their welcome by several hours and then complain on the phone about how they think he's lost weight and is too thin (he isn't). None of that is DSS's fault, he's a nice guy but the stress around him is the same regardless so the break has been nice.

@IronShame
To be fair, that’s probably true of all parents. To breast feed or bottle, co sleep or own room at 2 days old, 17 baby classes per week or none... and that’s just in the first few months!

A mothers place is in the wrong. A step mothers place is serving the drinks there.

Well that I can agree with Gies! Careful though, you'll be accused of projecting or bitter.

Well if you deem any thread where someone doesn't agree with you 'pointless' then yes it's probably for the best.

Them being a step parent is precisely the reason why it's bad.

Hang on, so a step parent is supposed to love and enjoy every minute with a dc even more than a biological parent. Oh come on now!

I know! Or if I can’t spend my waking moments pining for DSD then I’m destroying her childhood and should leave my marriage and have another two young children suffer the trauma of parental separation

I think you could look at it as how lockdown has shown you how much you do for your step children that your partner should be doing. You didn't choose to have that many children but he did and if you've realised it's too much for you he needs to take the responsibility away. Easier said than done when they're there with you as naturally you'll get involved but I wonder if, as others have said, that you have a husband problem rather than a step child problem?

I don't blame you for feeling relieved at the reduced stress now it's just you and your DP and child. But I don't think you'll get much support on here to be honest.

Hang on, so a step parent is supposed to love and enjoy every minute with a dc even more than a biological parent. Oh come on now!

Yes... On here anyway. Not in real life of course where people actually think logically and don't pretend to be perfect.

I mean just the other day someone tried to say a posters step children were 'more' their family than their own biological kids because they were younger and their mum wasn't around.

I still think it’s a husband problem.

You already have 60% of your time without SC, yet you have said there is no time for self care. With one child and a husband that does his share, you’d have plenty of time to yourself. Why are you the one doing the increased levels of cooking, washing and tidying when your SC are with you?

So its a husband problem. I wonder if that is the reason he split with the ‘problem ex wife’ that causes all the drama in the first place.

If you have more children with this man who doesn’t do much towards his 4 children’s care, you may find yourself pissed off enough to get rid of him one day. Then you’ll be another ‘ex wife who causes drama’ to the new woman he moves onto. It’s a cycle for some men. He sounds shit. I’d be examining my relationship with him whilst you have some time to yourself.

No matter how shit of a husband someone is... The ex wife has a choice in how she chooses to behave.

"So its a husband problem. I wonder if that is the reason he split with the ‘problem ex wife’ that causes all the drama in the first place. "

Totally disagree with this.

I do the bulk of the housework in our home for two reasons 1) I enjoy pottering and keeping my home nice and 2) my standard of clean and tidy is very different to my husbands.

There's no disputing that this works for us but also there's ultimately a shedload more mess and chaos when there are 4 of us in the house than 2. Bathrooms need cleaning, the dishwasher needs emptying more. Weekly shops are bulkier and heavier.

If the OP's step children are quite a lot older than her younger child then there's a whole load more work to do.

My husband does the majority of the heavy lifting in the house, mowing the lawn, DIY, Ferrying our SC back and forth, taking the bins out etc. This morning he's gone to do our grocery shop. Whilst he gone I'm running The hoover round, putting a wash on and dusting. If the kids were here I'd be doing all of the cooking and more washing, more cleaning etc because he doesn't get to see them often so I leave them to spend quality time together wherever possible.

But on any normal week I'd be going to work, coming home and getting to spend about 3 hours a day with my husband doing things we enjoy. That doesn't make him an unfit husband. We just lead busy lives and both do the jobs in the home that play to our strengths.

Dollyparton3

Sounds great. 👍

Only OP doesn’t seem as happy with her situation.

The issue I have between comparing step dad's and step mum's is because I think it's much more acceptable for women to do the 'work'. So a step dad may just play a few Xbox games with his step kids and be seen as bloody marvelous whilst mum does all the grunt work for her kids. However, it so often falls to the step mum to do the 'mum' work in dad's house

This is so accurate!

So its a husband problem. I wonder if that is the reason he split with the ‘problem ex wife’ that causes all the drama in the first place.

Possibly. But the way an ex wife behaves after the split speaks volumes about her doesn’t it?

Possibly. But the way an ex wife behaves after the split speaks volumes about her doesn’t it?

Well both parents should behave like adults and think about how their behaviour affects their children. To be fair to the ex wife here, we don’t have her ‘side’. She may well be a nightmare but maybe not. OPs husband doesn’t sound great really. It’s always the kids that suffer unfortunately.

sorry I meant OPs partner, not husband.

The issue I have between comparing step dad's and step mum's is because I think it's much more acceptable for women to do the 'work'. So a step dad may just play a few Xbox games with his step kids and be seen as bloody marvelous whilst mum does all the grunt work for her kids. However, it so often falls to the step mum to do the 'mum' work in dad's house

This doesn’t just apply to step parents. It’s the same for biological mums and dads. It’s wrong but men are still seen as amazing if they ‘help out’ with their kids. I couldn’t be with one of these man child types. Men need to step up and women need to higher their expectations.

lovely little dig there "not husband"

it doesnt matter whether ops husband is the biggest nastiest prick in the world (not at all saying he is op!) how the ex wife behaves is on her and her alone.

why do we need the wifes side? why cant we take what op says at face value?

lovely little dig there "not husband"

It really wasn’t. I’ve been with my partner over 20 years and we’re not married. I’m definitely not someone that sees married couples in some way better if that’s what you mean.

why do we need the wifes side? why cant we take what op says at face value?

I was just responding to the comment. The ex wives I know that are classed as creating drama really don’t. They’ve got on with their life but they’ve been accused of drama unfairly because they’ve maybe changed a pick up time or something. Not saying that is the case here. The ex wife may well be a nightmare.

Anyway, it’s still a husband problem I think.