Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Is anyone happier with no contact?

207 replies

Oggden1 · 01/05/2020 19:30

Dp exw stopped contact due to her dp shielding. Which is what it is.
I realised the other day it's been 6 weeks, and other than the overwhelming lockdown stuff around childcare its been easier. Dp and me work as a team better with our toddler, I've been jingling work ft studying and no childcare and it's worked. Dp even said we row less... Which is true.
There mess but less mess than normal and the washing done and everything seems to work better and no exw drama.
Were still facetimeing every other day and we've sned Easter eggs and planted sunflowers n stuff like that for them with ds. Which has been nice.
I know it's smmeems wrong but having family time just 3 of us and not all the other drama is relaxing.
Dp misses them obviously but ds is too young really and hasn't noticed. I've been able to study in the evenings when ds is asleep rather than surrounded by noise.
I know 1 will always be easier than 4 but I'm slightly dreading the chaos returning (we have them 40% normally) . I hope I'm not alone and not a monster.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 02/05/2020 09:46

This is such a sad opening post. I feel sad for all involved. It's not what's said directly, but what is said indirectly about all the relationships in this family dynamic.

girlie123 · 02/05/2020 09:46

I have 2 dad and miss them terribly. Yes it is different and dare I say it, easier, without having another two adults back and fore but I would say that regardless of who the adults are.
I cannot wait for them to be able to come back home and stay as long as they want x

girlie123 · 02/05/2020 09:46

2 DSD that should be not dad!!

velocitygirl7 · 02/05/2020 09:49

Of course we enjoy time away from the kids, we always have done. Love love the way posters like to make up shit to keep the attack going.
Where did I say he couldn't stand being parted from them? He misses them when they are away but like me, relishes time when it's the two of us.

It's beyond tedious. You bitter folk just love wading in and accusing posters of having nothing good to say about step parents, yet when someone dares talk about a step parent positively, that's not good enough either. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

And yes, too right I'm bitter about my dcs step mum, she too just loves nothing better than it being just 'her own little family' and for that reason, I felt I had every right to comment from experience on this thread.

Bollss · 02/05/2020 09:50

Us bitter? Are you sure?

TwentyViginti · 02/05/2020 09:52

suspect it might be drawing attention to the fact that I do most of the wahing/sorting/cooking so am noticing the difference

Get your partner to step up and share these chores when his DC return.

MarieQueenofScots · 02/05/2020 09:52

Marie, OP said it in the first post, 40%

Thanks I missed that. So already 60% of the time when it’s not “chaotic” anyway.

Maybe some re-jigging of the way you parent as a team OP!

IronShame · 02/05/2020 09:54

I assure you I have absolutely zero to be bitter about. I have a really good relationship with my DHs ex too so it's not even like I have exW drama to mull over.

However, this...

I'm so very thankful that dh loves his stepchildren like they are his own and positively loves the noise & chaos that they have inflicted on his previously quiet & chilled life. He would miss them so so much if they were away for more than a few days.

Is what I hate. It's not that your DH feels that way, good for him, it's that clearly anything less is clearly deemed as a 'shit parent' by you.

Clearly your child's step mother makes it obvious to you that she doesn't want your children around (either that or you just expect far too much of her which I can't rule out by the way you posted at the beginning tbh). What makes you think OP does the same? I'd say a lot of step parents feel the same as OP does but no one else is any the wiser because it's not shouted from the roof tops and the children are still looked after and treated well.

funinthesun19 · 02/05/2020 09:55

It's funny, I read so many comments on step parenting threads about the hate on Mumsnet, yet here I am singing the praises of a brilliant step parent and I'm mocked.
It's pathetic.

That’s because you’ve mentioned him more than once in an attempt to compare him with the op who hasn’t done anything wrong herself.

IronShame · 02/05/2020 09:56

You'd have absolutely no idea if your husband felt similarly to OP really would you? Because it's not something he'd tell you and any decent person wouldn't let it show in how they treat the kids.

velocitygirl7 · 02/05/2020 09:56

@TrustTheGeneGenie yes very. I've always hated the way people mock anyone who speaks so positively about their partner or life.

funinthesun19 · 02/05/2020 09:57

It's funny, I read so many comments on step parenting threads about the hate on Mumsnet, yet here I am singing the praises of a brilliant step parent and I'm mocked.
It's pathetic

That’s because you’ve mentioned him more than once in an attempt to compare him with the op who hasn’t done anything wrong herself.

ChockyBicky · 02/05/2020 09:57

Your dp and his dc were a family before you came along, maybe your dp and his family would find it nice and relaxing and peaceful without you there for 6 weeks.

Helmlover1 · 02/05/2020 09:57

@VELOCITYGIRL7

If your current partner had a child who had no respect for you or your partner due to badmouthing by his ex, if your partner received texts and phone calls every week asking for extortionate amounts of money (even though he pays above the CSA amount) and then threats to restrict assess if he doesn’t pay, if his child was mean and disrespectful to your own child because they are jealous of your partner’s relationship with them, if his child refused to come around for ‘meaningful’ occasions like Christmas and birthdays because time with their mum is more important and if they were ungrateful for anything you or your partner do for them.

Please tell us, honestly, how much you would be missing all of this?

IronShame · 02/05/2020 09:58

I'm mocking the fact that you've used your husband multiple times as the pinnacle for how all step parents should feel when in reality most don't and there's nothing wrong with that.

Giespeace · 02/05/2020 09:58

Of course we enjoy time away from the kids, we always have done
What’s the problem then? You enjoy time without your DCs, OP enjoys time without her DSCs... only difference seems to be that you miss your own children a lot sooner than most step parents would miss their DSC.

Must remember to impress upon 9 year old DSD how much I’ve missed her, otherwise she will think that despite everything I do for her and all the time I’ve spent building a relationship with her, that I don’t really care about her and I’d rather she didn’t come over and I will scar her for life

velocitygirl7 · 02/05/2020 10:00

@IronShame you honestly think children don't know when someone prefers it when they're not there? And by that I don't mean parents craving a night off or a weekend to themselves, I mean a parent who actually says they prefer it being 'their own little family' instead of their stepchildren being around.

Tumble81 · 02/05/2020 10:01

One of my DP's children has decided to stop visiting and it's been absolutely blissful to be honest. I will probably get slated for this but he's so unbelievably rude and unpleasant when he visits that he makes things very difficult when he's here and I look forward to him going home. He's a teenager and well aware of what he's doing so don't feel too sorry for him. His mother has been trying to turn him against us for so many years and I think she feels like she's achieved something now he's decided to stop visiting. She keeps attempting to cause more arguments about it even though DP hasn't engaged. She clearly feels like she's won but I personally am much happier for his lack of visits.

velocitygirl7 · 02/05/2020 10:01

@Helmlover1
You've clearly got a lot going on, I'm not sure what your point is.

IronShame · 02/05/2020 10:01

relaxing and peaceful without you there for 6 weeks

Maybe they would. And so long as they weren't externally rude about it, who am I to judge them for privately feeling that way?

I went on holiday for a week on my own not long ago. I didn't expect my step children to sit crying in a corner for missing me so much. I suspect they probably enjoyed having dad to themselves for a whole week.

YinMnBlue · 02/05/2020 10:03

Are you not really upset for DH who hasn’t seen his kids for 6 weeks, and counting? . Is he distressed? Maybe not, in which case I am thinking ‘bloody hell, these men who have a new baby with a new woman and are relaxed to not see their older kids’.

Life can be precarious for ‘first children’. These are cut off from their Dad, knowing that he is full time with the new baby...

It happens. They are needing to stay isolated. But this situation shows some of the realities of life for children.

funinthesun19 · 02/05/2020 10:04

Your dp and his dc were a family before you came along, maybe your dp and his family would find it nice and relaxing and peaceful without you there for 6 weeks.

They can always move out then. There are options.

IronShame · 02/05/2020 10:05

you honestly think children don't know when someone prefers it when they're not there?

This always gets trotted out and tbh no I don't believe that people always know how someone else is feeling.

I went through a lot of fertility problems and treatment with our DC. There was a stage where I felt awful every time my DSC were around because they were a constant reminder of what I thought I'd never have.

I never showed it to them. To them I was just normal Iron. We'd laugh, play games, have fun. My relationship with them did not suffer one iota and I got through the other side and those feelings are gone.

So no I don't believe that children always know everything someone is thinking.

Also saying you prefer something is not saying you hate the alternative. I prefer times alone with DH. It doesn't mean I despise the other times when the kids are here, I still have a perfectly nice time and enjoy myself. It's just a different dynamic.

Helmlover1 · 02/05/2020 10:06

@velocitygirl7

I thought my point was very obvious and I asked you a question. Given those circumstances, would you be missing your step children?

IronShame · 02/05/2020 10:07

I wasn't happy with the decision as I know it would upset dp

OP says this on the first page YinMnBlue

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread