Is anyone happier with no contact?

[Oggden1]

Dp exw stopped contact due to her dp shielding. Which is what it is.
I realised the other day it's been 6 weeks, and other than the overwhelming lockdown stuff around childcare its been easier. Dp and me work as a team better with our toddler, I've been jingling work ft studying and no childcare and it's worked. Dp even said we row less... Which is true.
There mess but less mess than normal and the washing done and everything seems to work better and no exw drama.
Were still facetimeing every other day and we've sned Easter eggs and planted sunflowers n stuff like that for them with ds. Which has been nice.
I know it's smmeems wrong but having family time just 3 of us and not all the other drama is relaxing.
Dp misses them obviously but ds is too young really and hasn't noticed. I've been able to study in the evenings when ds is asleep rather than surrounded by noise.
I know 1 will always be easier than 4 but I'm slightly dreading the chaos returning (we have them 40% normally) . I hope I'm not alone and not a monster.

You know absolutely nothing about the way OP parents Velocity.

All you know is that she, in her own thoughts, feels less stressed and more relaxed and is enjoying spending some one to one time with her child.

She's not said she's banning them from ever coming back because she quite likes this.

I'll say it again too... Not everyone loves your kids as much as you do.

I don't but reading that she's happier having no contact with her stepchildren makes me very much doubt her credentials as a step parent!

Being a step parent is a bloody hard job, I'm not sure I could do the amazing job that my dh does.

What was said in the opening posts specifically about the step children that is so awful that you've taken offense to?

That there is less mess? Less washing? More chaos? More noise?

That could be talking about any child in the world. They are messy, having multiple of them creates heaps of washing, there is more chaos and more noise when there's lots of them around. It's just fact.

So yes I can see why someone who isn't that childs parent may enjoy not having to deal with any of that for a little while.

Yes we all know how amazing your DH is don't worry.

She hasn't said 'my step kids are usually messy pigs, and I just hate having them around because they are usually noisily little shits so I'm really enjoying my time without the chaotic fuckers'.

I find that a little heart breaking too. They are your toddlers family. You have them 40% of their lives and you prefer the lack of chaos over missing them. You cant help how u feel but that's ashame. They are children they should be missed and wanted back by any adult who has spent so much time with them. I would love a break for my dc but after 2 days would want them back and be miserable. I know it might not be the same for a step parent but for u to prefer it when it's been so long it's just sad for them. Ideally u would have a stronger connection with them.

Velocity if you feel that offended by the title, dont read the thread. Let alone keep coming back on to bash the OP for no good reason.

I don't understand why the OP is getting so much hate either. Honestly as others have said if a step parent is kind and supportive then that is enough.

This pressure to love them in the same way as they love their own children is just unnecessary.

I think people feel they have to say it though or as on here they get attacked.

I am not a step parent but I enjoy the mornings before my rather grumpy teenager gets up - less tension and drama I think that is pretty normal

@IronShame oh please spare me the patronising rubbish! Of course I know that only I feel that my own children are the centre of the universe.

I also know I would never have settled for second best for them.
I don't think for a moment that dh loves my dc like I do but I cannot relate to a family that has a step parent who prefers her step children not being around.
The children will know, however much op thinks she 'hides' it

We’re still following normal schedule, but my toddler LOVES her brothers and would totally miss them if she didn’t see them for 6 weeks.
I think I would miss them if I didn’t see them for 6 weeks, but my goodness it would be blissful without the exw drama. The stress of drop off/pick up and what mood she’ll be in.

I think PP just wants to let us all know what a positively wonderful and perfect husband she has and how we should all be more like him. He's obviously never once thought anything negative about her kids in private...

Don’t you think that’s enough now @velocitygirl7?

It kind of surprises me when adults marry a partner with children and then are surprised by a normal part of that life.

OP I haven’t seen you see how often you have the step-children. Given from your posts I assume it’s not full time, surely you have time to yourselves the evenings they’re not with you?

I don’t think what you’re feeling is unreasonable, everyone appreciates when their life is easier for whatever reason. I hope you haven’t expressed this to your husband who, if he’s any sort of parent will be missing his children desperately!

I find my alone days with DH when all the kids (mine included) are elsewhere much easier. There is less mess, less arguments, less chores, me and DH get on better because we have more time to talk and be together. Trust me I'm not a shit parent or step parent but the little gits are hard work sometimes, mine very much included in that!

None of the kids would know that because I treat them all very well.

@IronShame you sound very bitter!
Yes my dh is amazing. Would you prefer it if he was a total arse?
It's funny, I read so many comments on step parenting threads about the hate on Mumsnet, yet here I am singing the praises of a brilliant step parent and I'm mocked.
It's pathetic.

I opened the thread because I have first hand experience of what feeling unwanted by a step parent can do to a child.
Luckily my dc, so far seem ok but it has irreversibly damaged their relationship with their Dad unfortunately.

Marie, OP said it in the first post, 40%.

@Espoleta
Believe me, there is so much more.
But frankly, as ever, I'm tired of all the bitter musings and double bloody standards.
Yawn.

I get it op.

We haven't seen DSS (15) for about 6 weeks - which was his choice.

That really hurt actually but I too have realised me and dp are arguing less, things are calmer and most noticeably there has been no ex drama.

I have never and would never proclaim to love dss like my own child. Dp wouldn't expect me to.

And to all the shitty "you might be the ex one day" comments. Indeed. I might but I wouldn't be so ignorant to assume that my new husband or my ex husband's new wife would love my kids like I do. It's an unrealistic expectation.

My partner has 3 children and I don't miss them. BUT we do not live together so I have not seen him in a long time either. I do ask how they are when we speak but it may be different as we are not married / do live together / are not having a child together, so I go weeks without seeing them anyway (he has them only on a Saturday and will take them to his home or we may go for a day out together). Maybe after this we can see each other more often.

Would you prefer it if he was a total arse?

No I'd prefer it if you didn't hold everyone else to your oh so perfect husband's standards because I can assure you, most step parents don't feel like he does and it's totally normal.

And your first post was incredibly bitter. It's clear that you think your child's step mum is shit and therefore anyone who doesn't immediately jump up to say how much they love their step kids like their own and how much they miss them must be equally shit.

I've nothing to be bitter about. I'm confident in my relationship with my step children. I just can't stand the stupid expectations people place on step parents.

And id bet my last quid that velocitys husband probably enjoys alone time with velocity and without the kids too.

And I obviously can't say for sure but I'd put money on your husband at least once having daydreamed about his 'quiet chilled life' before, like all parents.

TrustTheGenie, great minds and all that

So my DH told me last night that he’s heard from DSDs mum that DSD has been a massive pain in the arse for the last few weeks, very difficult, stroppy, not doing as she’s told etc. They were arranging next house swap and it seems she’s quite looking forward to getting some peace when we take DSD for a few weeks next weekend.
I will stress that nobody is more devoted to their child than DSDs mum. I think her “parenting style” is batshit and leads directly to many of the problems she has with DSD (who beds in after a few days with us and does not behave like that at all), but I know she would die for her child and goes to such lengths to do what she thinks will make her happy. She’s not just a deadbeat that can’t be arsed.
No doubt she will miss her child after a few days, but I do hope she doesn’t spend the time sobbing into a gin glass with the curtains closed.
If it’s ok for her to enjoy her time, why am I not allowed to enjoy it too?

Indeed