Sick and tired of dh....

[user1484986087]

Need some advice or at least a handhold please.

Long story short, 2 of my 3 stepkids (sd 16, ss 10) came to live with us full time in August last year. This was without any discussion between me and dh, and happened because their bm was in her country of origin and didn't know when she was returning...to date she has not returned and as far as I am aware, nobody knows when she is coming back and she doesn't have regular contact with the sk s here.

dh and I have an almost 3 year old ds together. We live in 3 bed small flat. Dh and I both work full time. Bm has never worked.

for some context, we used to see sk every other weekend. I have never been close to them as their bm alienated them against me and their dad initially. I tried hard with them at the beginning but never having got anywhere with them, I have stopped and am just civil with them. The sd i get along with but the ds I find annoying and difficult to like. Dh often tried to float the idea of ss living with us full time, but I said no as I could not deal with him (disruptive and attention seeking, also has no manners). In fact, when we married I said that I was doing so on tjr basis that I would not be living with the sk full time.

since the sk came to live with us, our marriage has been on a downward trajectory. Part of the reason I didn't want sk with us full time is due to the fact they dh completely ignored me when they were around and spent his whole time with them. I didn't like it but coped with it as I reasoned it was only eow. Now they take priority with him, he spends his time running around after ss in particular, ss needy and attention seeking and is usually stick to dh and/or in his lap the entire time. When we went out on a rare date night ss would be waiting up for his dad. Ss basically hates anyone having his dads attention but himself. Dh barely talks to me and now this attitude is the same towards our dh in that he refuses to have 1 on 1 time with ds and insist upon ss bring taken everywhere with them . Even when I ask him if the 2 of us could just go for a walk alone to give me some alone time with him, dh insists upon asking ss. This is on top of dh spending at least an hour every day playing tennis or football with ss ans with ss barely letting anyone near him . Not only am I unhappy about dh's attitude towards me (he doesn't bother with me) but now also his attitude toward ds. Ss gets plenty of alone time with dh but neither ds nor I are allowed to have that opportunity.

i just confronted dh about this to be told to ' f off' and that I'm jealous and paranoid. He said he will do as he wants with his son (as). I said that it's not fair that ss has 1 on 1 time (plus more) with him whilst I and ds are denied that ? He just walked out.

There is a back story to some of this but too long to go into. I'm short I am really annoyed at dh for basically treating me as a nobody and constantly ignoring and belittling me. I would love to leave but I can't bear poor ds being separated from his dad and forced to be set aside by ss if he visits his dad. Also bm I think k has 'dumped' her kids on us deliberately to break up my marriage as she knew I didn't want them here full time. I have no relationship with my dh at the moment, we haven't been intimate for months and I am tired of being last place behind everyone. Part of me thinks to suck it up until needy ss is 18 and just lead a separate life...

anyone been in this situation? I am so sick of what my life has become..

Dsd doesn’t really get a look in either with ss around...he was always extremely attention seeking even before his mother left. Not sure if dsd cares as she is a teenager, but I have pointed it out to dh.

Well before they moved in, you had your DH to yourself 85% of the time. Presumably for at least 4 or 5 years. I can't imagine you were all 'This isnt a fair split! Your children should come over more!'

So you were happy to have the vast majority of your husband's attention, but not happy now his ten year old son has it.

Actually I did tell dh prior to the dsc moving on that he needs to spend time 1 on 1 with all his kids due to the disparity of age. That was before ds came along

Neither was I against a 50/50 split either bit at the time the ex w wanted the dsc full time and dh happy with that. Not my prerogative to get involved with visitation schedules.

Did you seriously say that you married your dh on the proviso you never had your step kids live with you full time OP?!

Why did you marry him then? They're his kids. He wont have them homeless just because you didnt agree to marry him if not!

And yes, he is my dh. Surely am I allowed some attention rather than nothing?

What I mean is that it doesn’t sound as if he is invested in the marriage anymore. Have you asked him?

Are you sure he isn’t using DSS as an excuse to not spend time with you?

What happens after the children go to bed?

The point being missed is his attitude. Not the fact that they live here full time (though that’s tough anyway).

We are both absolutely knackered at the end of the day and we have a quick chat sometimes, but that’s it. We both have stressful jobs.

If he is using dss as an excuse, he’s welcome to leave.

Also bm I think k has 'dumped' her kids on us deliberately to break up my marriage as she knew I didn't want them here full time

It really is unlikely to be about you. Leaving your children in this way is very unusual and would suggest something was very wrong for the ex.

You can barely conceal your contempt for these children to strangers on the internet who can’t see you. It really is ipossible that your husband and his children don’t understand how you feel about them.

If you have been saying for sometime you wouldn’t have his children full time, he was an utter fool to marry you. So much can potentially happen to make it possible his children would have to move in. Would you really have rejected them if their mother had died? Or become so ill she was unable to care for them?, I have a sense that you would. And so does your husband.

You should never have married him. You need to deal with the mess you made.

I haven't all the thread but it does sound like your stepson does need a lot of his dad’s attention as he is probably feeling very insecure and will definitely be difficult because of what he’s been through. If he picks up that you don’t like him (which you said), I think that’s sad and very damaging. If you split from DH and he got remarried and had your son live with him because you left, died or whatever, how would you want the stepmum to treat your 10 year old, no matter how difficult he was?

OP, I would be upset by that too. It’s almost like he cannot blend you all.

Only you know how you feel, it’s probably amplified right now, the children are off school and do need extra time, but equally if he won’t listen to you and how you feel and make any changes, then it’s not on.

My experience is that couples who both work ft and have 3 kids at home get very little time for eachother. It's what comes with that lifestyle. It's also quite normal in these situation that the man spends more time with the elder kids.

Are your need for attention much higher than his? Or is it that he is doing his best with the limited time he has to give attention to everyone?

As always, you should be talking rather than blaming and guilt tripping the other. Maybe he is not happy with things you do or don't do too.

U fortunately as it is, it seems that your issue is very much directed as your SS, so it's natural that he would react by instinct to defend him. It's a vicious circle.

I had a step parent and I decided very early in life that I would never be a step mother, for one thing I didn't want to bring up someone else's child and I know only too well that a step parent can't win. Having said that you did make the choice to be a step parent so you do need to make an effort to understand what is going on.

This little boy is 10, I know when you compare him to your almost 3 year old that seems very grown up but it isn't. His father must have moved out when he was very young, his mother used him and his siblings and didn't want him having contact with his father, he saw his father start a new family with a half sibling who had his father living with them, then his mother cleared off and now he finds himself in the middle of a global pandemic, no school, no going out to play and you complain he is clingy, really can't you see why he is clingy.

I think the more you resent your husband's relationship with his child the more he will stand by his son. You have to rethink this, accept that life with a 16, 10 and 2 year old isn't easy, even if they are all yours. You have probably let the children know you don't want them there, their father left them once, their mother has left them, they know you want them gone. Poor kids, you are an adult and need to start acting like one.

I only actually dislike my ss

OP -:So many DCs are dislikeable at certain ages and stages. But you've not factored in that they usually CHANGE. We go through phases, do you think they don't?

This boy has been abandoned by his Mum and be sure, he will know he's not liked by you. He's holding onto his Dad, of course he would - & If you were smart you'd play the long game, suggesting family time together meals walks etc. You talk about the DCs so separately - but they are all siblings yes including your DS.

Instead as a grown woman you're in a tizz about a little boy, and creating a them vs us situation. It's stupid and you won't win. Back off, do your own thing with DS but still invite SS & SD to join you, if they say no well at least you've tried. Be consistent.

I wouldn't put all my focus on dislike of 1 child, in your shoes. & I'm not one to believe DCs rule the roost either. Wouldn't want to live like that. But as the adult you must surely see there are ways and means of handling issues & your way won't work so change tack. Don't let 1 child consume and rule your thoughts.

I have on several occasions proposed a family activity. The issue is that all of them don’t want to come and would rather be doing their own thing. Dh doesn’t push them in this regard.
Just went out for a walk with dh and ds. Dh walked off halfway through saying that if I wouldn’t leave him alone with ds then he was going home as he had ‘enough of me’. I told him I felt the same about him. I think that’s it really, it’s either a marriage of convenience or divorce. And he can make the application...

To the poster who thinks that men often only spend time with older kids, is it on the mother to only parent the younger child? What kind of rhetoric is this?

To reiterate again, dh’s ex wife left him and moved out. He did not leave them.

So what are you going to do OP?

Not making any decisions during lockdown. Dh started behaving in a civil manner once he got home as though nothing had happened. I’m not happy with his mood swings so just keeping things civil for now.

You sound awful about you're stepson and abit clingy. It shows in you're posts and I imagine this is why you're dh is reacting to you wanting time with him when you clearly shown distain for his son who's mother perfectly abandoned them.

I don’t understand how it is a bit clingy to spend 1 hour per week alone with ds and dh?!

Beyond caring about the while thing now anyway. I will just concentrate on myself, my work and ds. Then it’s up to him to divorce if he wants. Probably weighing up his options about how much divorce no 2 will cost him v staying put.

You don’t sound like you love him, nor care about your marriage.