Sick and tired of dh....

[user1484986087]

Need some advice or at least a handhold please.

Long story short, 2 of my 3 stepkids (sd 16, ss 10) came to live with us full time in August last year. This was without any discussion between me and dh, and happened because their bm was in her country of origin and didn't know when she was returning...to date she has not returned and as far as I am aware, nobody knows when she is coming back and she doesn't have regular contact with the sk s here.

dh and I have an almost 3 year old ds together. We live in 3 bed small flat. Dh and I both work full time. Bm has never worked.

for some context, we used to see sk every other weekend. I have never been close to them as their bm alienated them against me and their dad initially. I tried hard with them at the beginning but never having got anywhere with them, I have stopped and am just civil with them. The sd i get along with but the ds I find annoying and difficult to like. Dh often tried to float the idea of ss living with us full time, but I said no as I could not deal with him (disruptive and attention seeking, also has no manners). In fact, when we married I said that I was doing so on tjr basis that I would not be living with the sk full time.

since the sk came to live with us, our marriage has been on a downward trajectory. Part of the reason I didn't want sk with us full time is due to the fact they dh completely ignored me when they were around and spent his whole time with them. I didn't like it but coped with it as I reasoned it was only eow. Now they take priority with him, he spends his time running around after ss in particular, ss needy and attention seeking and is usually stick to dh and/or in his lap the entire time. When we went out on a rare date night ss would be waiting up for his dad. Ss basically hates anyone having his dads attention but himself. Dh barely talks to me and now this attitude is the same towards our dh in that he refuses to have 1 on 1 time with ds and insist upon ss bring taken everywhere with them . Even when I ask him if the 2 of us could just go for a walk alone to give me some alone time with him, dh insists upon asking ss. This is on top of dh spending at least an hour every day playing tennis or football with ss ans with ss barely letting anyone near him . Not only am I unhappy about dh's attitude towards me (he doesn't bother with me) but now also his attitude toward ds. Ss gets plenty of alone time with dh but neither ds nor I are allowed to have that opportunity.

i just confronted dh about this to be told to ' f off' and that I'm jealous and paranoid. He said he will do as he wants with his son (as). I said that it's not fair that ss has 1 on 1 time (plus more) with him whilst I and ds are denied that ? He just walked out.

There is a back story to some of this but too long to go into. I'm short I am really annoyed at dh for basically treating me as a nobody and constantly ignoring and belittling me. I would love to leave but I can't bear poor ds being separated from his dad and forced to be set aside by ss if he visits his dad. Also bm I think k has 'dumped' her kids on us deliberately to break up my marriage as she knew I didn't want them here full time. I have no relationship with my dh at the moment, we haven't been intimate for months and I am tired of being last place behind everyone. Part of me thinks to suck it up until needy ss is 18 and just lead a separate life...

anyone been in this situation? I am so sick of what my life has become..

The situation here isn't magically going to rectify itself.Its make or break time unfortunately.

This thread is really sad. your stepchildren may next extra support in their adulthood to get over their dad leaving, then their mum leaving & then having you as their bitter and jealous step mum.

I’d be surprised if your DH sticks around.

My fingers are firmly crossed and am hoping this OP is a troll!

We went to 1 session and it was productive but dh didn’t seem to like being presented with my side of it all. It seemed to get a bit better but not helped by lockdown with as having tantrums and dh taking out his frustration at ss On me. Being in such a small cofined place is awful.

Actually the ex w left dh and took kids.

My step mum was sometimes jealous. But she did her bloody best for me. She worked hard to build a bond. And now we have an amazing relationship!

Counselling on your own should be useful in the long run.

This situation doesn’t sound great, and I know you blame SS for your DH not bothering with you, but actually your DH is choosing this. Hence why I suspect you are heading for a split regardless.

Does he spend any time at all with your joint child (it doesn’t have to be solo time)? It is wrong if he doesn’t.

@Whataloadofshite

Are you a stepmother?

OP has not been shit on from a great height. She knew her husband had children when she married him. There is always a possibility they will come to live with you. Unless you think it is always the mums responsibility to take on the lions share of childcare, while dad takes them to the zoo every other weekend?

As I have said before stepmothers seem to have a nasty habit of holding stepchildren to adult emotional standards. If it was OP's ten year old son playing up because DH had buggered off abroad, she would be saying how it was understandable and everyone should be nice to him.

It sounds like she wants her husband to look after 2.5 kids (his own kids and half his time with their son) while OP only looks after 0.5 (the other half of looking after their son). Not a fair split surely?

He does spend time with ds but only putting him to bed and when I ask him to...otherwise, ss tags along and dh plays football with as whilst dc gets ignored.

That’s correct re looking after our son...he doesn’t look after him as much as he should and prefers me tu take on the bulk of the childcare, whilst I work full time too. It’s not fair.

Does he recognise that he doesn’t spend enough time with DS? I assume he did more before the step kids moved in? Maybe talk to him about the lack of relationship with DS even if it’s with DSS too.

Now is probably the perfect time as everyone is home.

OP, I'm not sure that's what @Wolfgirrl meant about an unfair split

I couldn’t live like that Op. I would start by planning my exit. It really sounds like you don’t like your sc but as they are your DH’s children, they will always be around. As a result, I would cut my losses and walk away as if not, you’ll have many more years of this to come.

What I meant OP was that it would be unfair to your husband. As he would be looking after 2.5 children and you only 0.5.

Thé 16 year old doesn’t need looking after as such, and the 10 year old just wants his dad all the time (or is picking fights with his sister or alternatively having tantrums).

Wow. OP I am sorry but this is unbelievable.
You married a man with kids- if you went ahead with that only on the basis that they would never be with you full time then that was a mistake.

This boy is 10 years old. His mother has left and is in a different country, no wonder he wants to stay close to his dad! Do you not have any compassion?

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you not want your DH to treat your child the same.

If you had 3 kids it would be very very hard to have one on one time with all of them. You'd just much in, have family time....teenagers can opt in or out.

I am very lucky in that my daughter has a fantastic step mother. I have had moments with my DDs day, but on the most part we have worked extremely hard to have a co- parenting relationship. I have had long term partners also, and we have worked very hard at creating the a blended family work harmoniously.
It's not always easy, but if you start a life with someone that has children from a previous relationship you should, by default, have some kind of commitment to making them work. Are you saying to your DH "how do we make this work, how can we get to a point where we are all happy" or are you just whining that you are not receiving enough attention or "one on one" time. Most nuclear families do not have much partner one on one time!

I thank my lucky stars everyday that my daughters step mother is so great.....but this post has made me realise just how fortunate I am.

It’s not so much about the dsc anymore...it’s about dh’s attitude to a great extent and him not looking after dc enough and having ss with him all the time, to the extent that dc and I ate excluded.

I am a step mother. Have been for nearly 2 decades. I was the 'ow' .. so there is a disclaimer for MN to enjoy..
before the first wives club pile in !

However... Inreally think you need to leave and raise your child on your own. Step children are still children and need live care and attention no matter what their parents are doing.

Leave. Have a quiet , enjoyable life in your own and let your DH look after his children without an unengaged parent in the house ... he TEN ffs and his mother has abandoned him. Stop being jealous, embrace him as your own or go somewhere else !

Nobody said the sc don’t need love and attention. What I am saying is that dh is effectively neglecting the marriage and our dh to an extent and doesn’t seem to care.

It sounds like she wants her husband to look after 2.5 kids (his own kids and half his time with their son) while OP only looks after 0.5 (the other half of looking after their son). Not a fair split surely?

Yes it's a fair split. He's the one with multiple children.

As much as people can say "OP knew he had kids when she moved in", HE knew he had kids when he chose to have another, and that he would be taking on an additional responsibility equal to the one he has to his first two. He can't just say "well I've already got kids, you'll have to sort this new one out".

Ds is actually my dh’s 4th child. The older dc is at uni. I do not want any more kids though dh has signalled he would not mind more kids. Yes, they are all his kids and he should be spending equal amounts of time with all of thrn at home, not just as.

Ss not as!

I'm sure you have posted about this before?

Cut the kids some slack OP, him mum has practically abandoned him and he is trying to deal with it, this is not a competition between you which is how you are coming across. Do you honestly expect to make your DH choose between you and his kids?

@aSofaNearYou

A fair split would be a third of his time with each child (roughly, these things arent exact).

Not half his time with their son, and a quarter each with his other two children. If that makes sense.

What I am saying is that dh is effectively neglecting the marriage and our dh to an extent and doesn’t seem to care.

I think this is at the core of it and not DSS.

I am not saying that dh should not pay attention to his kids, but what his marriage? Also not sure if I want another 8 years of him effectively ignoring everyone else due to ss and his ‘needs’.