Sick and tired of dh....

[user1484986087]

Need some advice or at least a handhold please.

Long story short, 2 of my 3 stepkids (sd 16, ss 10) came to live with us full time in August last year. This was without any discussion between me and dh, and happened because their bm was in her country of origin and didn't know when she was returning...to date she has not returned and as far as I am aware, nobody knows when she is coming back and she doesn't have regular contact with the sk s here.

dh and I have an almost 3 year old ds together. We live in 3 bed small flat. Dh and I both work full time. Bm has never worked.

for some context, we used to see sk every other weekend. I have never been close to them as their bm alienated them against me and their dad initially. I tried hard with them at the beginning but never having got anywhere with them, I have stopped and am just civil with them. The sd i get along with but the ds I find annoying and difficult to like. Dh often tried to float the idea of ss living with us full time, but I said no as I could not deal with him (disruptive and attention seeking, also has no manners). In fact, when we married I said that I was doing so on tjr basis that I would not be living with the sk full time.

since the sk came to live with us, our marriage has been on a downward trajectory. Part of the reason I didn't want sk with us full time is due to the fact they dh completely ignored me when they were around and spent his whole time with them. I didn't like it but coped with it as I reasoned it was only eow. Now they take priority with him, he spends his time running around after ss in particular, ss needy and attention seeking and is usually stick to dh and/or in his lap the entire time. When we went out on a rare date night ss would be waiting up for his dad. Ss basically hates anyone having his dads attention but himself. Dh barely talks to me and now this attitude is the same towards our dh in that he refuses to have 1 on 1 time with ds and insist upon ss bring taken everywhere with them . Even when I ask him if the 2 of us could just go for a walk alone to give me some alone time with him, dh insists upon asking ss. This is on top of dh spending at least an hour every day playing tennis or football with ss ans with ss barely letting anyone near him . Not only am I unhappy about dh's attitude towards me (he doesn't bother with me) but now also his attitude toward ds. Ss gets plenty of alone time with dh but neither ds nor I are allowed to have that opportunity.

i just confronted dh about this to be told to ' f off' and that I'm jealous and paranoid. He said he will do as he wants with his son (as). I said that it's not fair that ss has 1 on 1 time (plus more) with him whilst I and ds are denied that ? He just walked out.

There is a back story to some of this but too long to go into. I'm short I am really annoyed at dh for basically treating me as a nobody and constantly ignoring and belittling me. I would love to leave but I can't bear poor ds being separated from his dad and forced to be set aside by ss if he visits his dad. Also bm I think k has 'dumped' her kids on us deliberately to break up my marriage as she knew I didn't want them here full time. I have no relationship with my dh at the moment, we haven't been intimate for months and I am tired of being last place behind everyone. Part of me thinks to suck it up until needy ss is 18 and just lead a separate life...

anyone been in this situation? I am so sick of what my life has become..

When someone consistently treats you like you are the lowest of the food chain and is rude to you, this is what is comes down to..

Must say it really disturbed me how cold you are about your husbands kids. You knew he had kids before you married him, do you expect him to just sweep them away and solely focus on you and his youngest?
Imagine saying to him you don't want his kids living with yous full time, he should of got shot of you there and then.
You come across as quite needy and pretty nasty in your posts.
Nothing or nobody comes before my kids, you sound like that's the same with your son yet your husbands not aloud to feel this about his other kids?
Kids go through phases of being difficult just as your own will.
You just sound a bit spoilt, you've been used to having him all to yourself but now his kids have had to move in through no fault of their own you are not happy about it!
You say you are civil to them? How the hell can you only be civil to children, it's crazy!
Maybe he's saw how you are towards them and can't be bothered with making any effort with you?

Obvious that you are not a step parent. Step parents are not required to fake a love that they don’t feel for stepchildren, having been to counselling about this, as long as you are civil and polite, that’s fine. They have never liked me, from day 1, when I bent over backwards to be friends with them.

Dh should never have married if he can’t be a husband and is such a Disney dad. If if known then what I do now, would not have married. If we do end up divorced or having separate lives, there is no way I would ever get into any serious relationship whilst my ds is still young, it’s not worth it and the hassle it creates. And I would never marry anyone with minor aged children again.

It's not about faking a love for them, it's about being patient and understanding that this situation is all new to them! How long have you and your husband been together?
You say you have tried but the kids are young still and would have been even younger when you "tried".
Young kids are going to see it as their mum and dad have split up, which let's be honest no kid wants their parents to split. You have come on the scene, someone they don't know. You are going to have to put the work in with them so that they get to know you and warm to you.
You talk about them as though they should have the understanding of an adult I.e being civil.
I am a step parent

just take your kid and go he clearly wont be bothered

fyi you can be a good father and a good husband it doesnt have to be either or

You cannot see past the own end of you're nose to see the bigger picture that these kids have effectively been abandoned by their mother and it's clear for all sundry the distain you have for this boy. I'm not surprised he doesnt want to spend time with you, you come across clingy and needy and it's all about your needs and wants not a the kids who's mother up and left.

There is a back story to this which I haven’t gone into as it’s too long. The ex and the kids have been causing trouble for years and I think it’s home to a head now. I’m not taking ds anywhere, this is his home too and I don’t see why I should disrupt his life (like the ex did to her kids). Dh can leave if he wants.

I put a lot of work into trying to get to know them and being nice to them at the beginning. They were rude and rebuffing to me. Now I’m not spending my life chasing for crumbs from when my ds needs me and I have my life to get on. They have a mother already, she’s not dead or ill, and they have a relationship with her/could go and see/live with her if they wanted.

How old were the kids when yous got together?

@user1484986087
A few things strike me in your story...
• your own child is not allowed the same attention as your ss from his father and this should not happen
• your husband is distant and refuses to communicate with you and he even is being rude to you (insults, like being told to f* off, are NEVER OK)
• as @SoVeryLost said, your ss is behaving like a 10 year old whose world has collapsed not once, but twice. His parents have divorced and then his mother has pretty much abandoned him. I am not trying to justify his attitude, but it is important to try and understand why the behaviour. Underline:How old were the children when their parents separated?

We all know how difficult it is to join a family unit, and nobody ever expects it to go sour. The way you are feeling is normal. The frustration is normal, the disappointment is normal.

You first need to ask yourself if you still love your husband. From there you will be able to make a decision. If you do, then you will need to find a way to discuss the issues (it may not be easy, it may take time, but if that's what you want then you have to commit to making it happen). If you don't, then your job from now on is to explain that to your husband and make the move.

Thé children were around 11, 9 and 3 when the divorce took place. I was not the ow who broke up the marriage but painted out to be as such by the ex for some reason.

I think the lockdown is causing very strong feelings here. I’m am introvert and really value my own space and finding it irritating being around everyone so much, especially as we live in a small flat. Perhaps dh is also feeling like this. I don’t necessarily want a divorce as no intention to put ds through that but need to assess. Once lockdown over I will speak with dh and also spend more time out and about with ds too, he’s getting older and can do more with him.

Underline: Thé children were around 11, 9 and 3 when the divorce took place. I was not the ow who broke up the marriage but painted out to be as such by the ex for some reason.
Unfortunately, it is very often the case. I think it is a human instinct, some sort of coping mechanism. It doesn't really matter though. Nobody walks out of a marriage that they are happy in.

I think you have put your finger on something, though. This lockdown is driving everybody a bit nuts. We are not used to being stuck together 24/7 and suddenly you have inherited your step children full time. That's a lot. For everyone!

Maybe, then, you need to try and find time for yourself in this crisis. Is there something that you like doing alone? A hobby? Take some time, every day, to do that, just so you have your much needed me-time (especially as an introvert).

You need to look after yourself to be able to look after others...

I agree this lockdown is getting everyone down and amplifying problems.
How old were the kids when yous first got together?

They were a year older.

Soooo if you and your DH split, and you meet someone new, how will you respond when he tells you your son can’t live with you full time?

That’s fucking cold. They’re his CHILDREN. What if their mum had died? They’d obviously have to live with you. Don’t marry someone with kids if you don’t want them to live with you 🤦‍♀️

It’s not about the children living with us full time (though the lack of space gets to me, it’s overcrowded as a small flat ), it’s about dh’s attitude to a large extent. Obviously if their mother had died they would come here, she’s not dead and she’s effectively dumped them on us..without any word about when she intends to see them.
That’s rubbish re not marrying a man with kids. It’s rare that one parent dumps on another in this fashion, at least from what I have seen.

The weird thing is that she hates me and has obviously turned her kids against me, so I am aghast at how she is seemingly happy to let her kids live in my home? And seemingly without any contact from her. Dh y thinks she has done this on the premise that we will not want them full time and she will then request more money to take them back. And this is entirely the kind of person she is .

I think that you give the mum too much headspace.

Yes she is what she is but the situation is that she has left her children with their dad who seems to look after the children but not want to be around you.

You cannot control what mum does or doesn’t do and the resentment is eating you up while she probably doesn’t have a care.

You need to focus your concerns on your husbands behaviour and your marriage.

Agreed!

Would your husband leave or would he expect you to? Personally i would separate, you are not happy and it sounds like your marriage will not recover from this.

Why don't you lock him in the cupboard under the stairs like Harry Potter? That will teach him his place surely?

Or just leave and do the kid a favour. Honestly you sound so cold and unapproachable. Which is my nice way of saying you sound like a total bitch.

I understand the struggle but you are now a family of 5 and that means you will have less time together as a couple. However, that doesn't give your DH a free pass not to do his bit in parenting your DS. I completely understand as when DSS (16) is here, DH takes off to do all sorts of activities leaving us with no car (rural location) and no thought to what's happening with toddler DD or any plans I may have. The situation needs to adjust to full time. It cant be special time for the DSC all the time now it's not just EOW. I love that he spends time with his DC but he needs to carve out that time with DS to. Could you do a monthly date night? You also need to adjust your expectations. So what the child was waiting up for his dad? So what he spends an hour in 24 playing football or whatever? What about the rest of the time.

I think I hand adjusted my expectations re couple time, we haven’t had any since December and a quick dinner out in Feb. That’s to do with childcare issues. Obviously we can’t go out anywhere now with the lockdown and every night I am so tired from work and dealing with people around me in our flat that dh and I don’t really talk. Dh puts ds to bed and that’s my ‘me’ time and then bed after that. We are like ships in the night! I don’t feel like we can have an honest conversation at home with all the kids around. I think any discussion is going to wait until after the lockdown.
I am not going to initiate any divorce proceedings, I have ds to think of at the moment and just want to get back to normal life after lockdown.

The point with ds and ss is that he spends an hour per day alone with as playing sports every day. That’s not an issue. On weekdays over the childcare for ds from after work to bedtime, dh does his bed time. By this time ss had usually created some kind of drama which necessitates dh going to talk to him.

Thé weekends are thé worst. I end up getting ds dressed, given breakfast, played with, given lunch, woken up from nap, given snack and given dinner. Dh usually takes out ds with me for an hour in tjr mornings (this is the only ‘alone’ time we get if ss isn’t coming) and same in the afternoons! Don’t think he spends any alone time with sd either, she seems to have buried herself in school work!

The only time dh does anything different/special with ds is if i practically beg whereas with ss, he does everything for him.