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Original poster

Sick and tired of dh....

150 replies

user1484986087 · 01/05/2020 17:49

Need some advice or at least a handhold please.

Long story short, 2 of my 3 stepkids (sd 16, ss 10) came to live with us full time in August last year. This was without any discussion between me and dh, and happened because their bm was in her country of origin and didn't know when she was returning...to date she has not returned and as far as I am aware, nobody knows when she is coming back and she doesn't have regular contact with the sk s here.

dh and I have an almost 3 year old ds together. We live in 3 bed small flat. Dh and I both work full time. Bm has never worked.

for some context, we used to see sk every other weekend. I have never been close to them as their bm alienated them against me and their dad initially. I tried hard with them at the beginning but never having got anywhere with them, I have stopped and am just civil with them. The sd i get along with but the ds I find annoying and difficult to like. Dh often tried to float the idea of ss living with us full time, but I said no as I could not deal with him (disruptive and attention seeking, also has no manners). In fact, when we married I said that I was doing so on tjr basis that I would not be living with the sk full time.

since the sk came to live with us, our marriage has been on a downward trajectory. Part of the reason I didn't want sk with us full time is due to the fact they dh completely ignored me when they were around and spent his whole time with them. I didn't like it but coped with it as I reasoned it was only eow. Now they take priority with him, he spends his time running around after ss in particular, ss needy and attention seeking and is usually stick to dh and/or in his lap the entire time. When we went out on a rare date night ss would be waiting up for his dad. Ss basically hates anyone having his dads attention but himself. Dh barely talks to me and now this attitude is the same towards our dh in that he refuses to have 1 on 1 time with ds and insist upon ss bring taken everywhere with them . Even when I ask him if the 2 of us could just go for a walk alone to give me some alone time with him, dh insists upon asking ss. This is on top of dh spending at least an hour every day playing tennis or football with ss ans with ss barely letting anyone near him . Not only am I unhappy about dh's attitude towards me (he doesn't bother with me) but now also his attitude toward ds. Ss gets plenty of alone time with dh but neither ds nor I are allowed to have that opportunity.

i just confronted dh about this to be told to ' f off' and that I'm jealous and paranoid. He said he will do as he wants with his son (as). I said that it's not fair that ss has 1 on 1 time (plus more) with him whilst I and ds are denied that ? He just walked out.

There is a back story to some of this but too long to go into. I'm short I am really annoyed at dh for basically treating me as a nobody and constantly ignoring and belittling me. I would love to leave but I can't bear poor ds being separated from his dad and forced to be set aside by ss if he visits his dad. Also bm I think k has 'dumped' her kids on us deliberately to break up my marriage as she knew I didn't want them here full time. I have no relationship with my dh at the moment, we haven't been intimate for months and I am tired of being last place behind everyone. Part of me thinks to suck it up until needy ss is 18 and just lead a separate life...

anyone been in this situation? I am so sick of what my life has become..

OP posts:
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Original poster
user1484986087 · 01/05/2020 19:14

Well, If he hates it that much, he can leave. He just likes to maintain tjr illusion that he is happy with his second family.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2020 19:15

I agree, I've reported it. It's either a troll or a very sad situation of a terrible person purposely victimising these poor kids

I will never understand why people feel the need to report things like they are the mumsnet police that must stamp out any thread they don't agree with. She doesn't like her step son and has a fractured relationship, in what way does any of that break guidelines and need deleting? She needs opinions, good or bad, not censorship.

Wolfgirrl · 01/05/2020 19:16

Your son has you both around, and basically your exclusive attention as you've said you dont give your stepchildren much. Stepson only has one parent around and has had a rough time. Your husband probably thinks he deserves a bit of one on one time, and he is right.

HollowTalk · 01/05/2020 19:17

It sounds like a very unhappy home. Would you be happier if you and your child moved out after lockdown? Could you afford to do that?

Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 01/05/2020 19:18

I'm not fussed if the thread comes down or not and certainly dont think I'm the MN police Hmm.
Flagged it as a possible troll, that's all.

OP has has several opinions and isn't taking heed to any so far..

Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 01/05/2020 19:18

OP, why should he leave? You're the one with the problem..

Original poster
user1484986087 · 01/05/2020 19:19

Also, dh doesn’t help out with our ds as much as I do at weekends. He’s more than happy to spend lots of time with ss but does not help as much with ds, in spite of the fact that I work full time too.

OP posts:
Wolfgirrl · 01/05/2020 19:19

I swear there has been this same thread before? Step kids moving in, mum moving abroad, dad putting his kids first? Was that you OP?

Original poster
user1484986087 · 01/05/2020 19:22

I don’t want to leave for my ds sake. I looked into renting a room nearby but my son needs me around for now. Otherwise it’s just separate lives and/or one of us leaves. It’s not really a marriage at the moment. No time together or intimacy.

OP posts:
Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 01/05/2020 19:24

So you can put your child first but he can't do the same?

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2020 19:24

I'm not fussed if the thread comes down or not and certainly dont think I'm the MN police . Flagged it as a possible troll, that's all. OP has has several opinions and isn't taking heed to any so far..

Because she doesn't agree with them, obviously. Whether that makes her wrong or not, it doesn't automatically make her a troll. Finding yourself in a situation where you don't get on with your husband or step child is not uncommon, there's absolutely no reason to assume it's made up. Such a self righteous thing to do.

shootmenow2020 · 01/05/2020 19:25

@user1471462428 I think you
Might benefit from speaking with a Counsellor. You've a lot of pent up resentment and anger and it's really coming across on your posts. I can
Imagine your husband and step kids picking up on this too but also your own child. Blending families are hard work, the kids have been abandoned twice over, once by the breakup of their parents relationship and also by their mom leaving, can you imagine how awful that must feel for your husband? He must be worried and stressed and anxious for their future and then you're asking him to choose on top of it?

Original poster
user1484986087 · 01/05/2020 19:27

Dazed, you are missing the point. Nothing wrong with putting child first but ignoring spouse is not on.

OP posts:
Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 01/05/2020 19:27

No it doesn't make her automatically a troll. That's for the mods to decide isn't it?

So I used a feature of the site that is available to all members in every post? Oh dear, I'll be careful not to be so self-righteous in the future. Halo

Wolfgirrl · 01/05/2020 19:27

It is in your sons best interests that you have a good relationship with his half brother.

If you and your husband do separate they could be the only siblings he has.

I'm sure you dont want to make it awkward for him growing up.

Whataloadofshite · 01/05/2020 19:28

You won't get any love on here - MN notoriously hates on step parents. Personally I think you've been shit on from a great height in this situation, and unless your husband makes an effort to recognise that and meet you halfway, then you're probably looking at a divorce. It's not your fault their mother abandoned them, especially after she badmouthed you to them, what the fuck are you supposed to do when they won't make any effort, when you clearly have?

It sounds like a no win situation. MN always puts the load on the step parent to carry, but it's something that needs to be carried by everyone, that's what families are, a joint effort.

amber763 · 01/05/2020 19:29

Your attitude and dislike towards a ten year old boy makes you sound like a pretty selfish person.

Mumto1girl3boys · 01/05/2020 19:29

You sound horrible! If i were your dh id have told you to fuck off aswell!! That poor 10 year old has been abandoned by his mum so is it any wonder hes clinging onto his dad for dear life!!!

lunar1 · 01/05/2020 19:30

At the end of the day your partner has a responsibility to all his children and you. Right now he's doing a pretty bad job of all of it. He is the one to blame, not his children.

Do you see yourself ever being able to readjust your feelings towards his children if your partner improved things. Or has the resentment gone past being able to be repaired?

If you think you will always blame the children for their parents failings you need to walk away. They don't deserve to live with someone who barely tolerates them. It's not a great way for your child to grow up either and I've no idea why you think him growing up in there s environment is a good thing.

You can only control your response to the situation, your partner is telling you he won't change things. Don't make his innocent children bare the brunt of your decision to stay in the relationship.

Weallhavevalidopinions · 01/05/2020 19:30

The children must be worried about their BM and what has happened to her (especially since they have had no contact with her). Your DH seems to have a good relationship with them which is positive and important to them. They must be anxious and scared having to move into a small home with their dad and his wife/their step mum who appears to be quite angry at them - it's not their fault that BM is in another country - it's not their fault that they have to live with their other birth parent - their father....

It appears as if his original children have rather spoilt your plans of playing happy family and you are acting like a spoilt sulky toddler - them and us.... seriously - these are CHILDREN - remember that.

Now try to place nice - the children were around long before you were.
I would find it hard to love someone or live with someone who really seems to struggle to be nice to children.

Whataloadofshite · 01/05/2020 19:30

This section of Mumsnet should be renamed to "shit-on-step-parents", because that's essentially what happens every time someone asks for help.

Laaf80 · 01/05/2020 19:30

OP do you think that your DH still wants this marriage?

It sounds to me as if the resentments are too deep.

Youve been posting for a few years now and things have deteriorated quiet badly.

Counselling sounds like a good idea, did you go previously?

Original poster
user1484986087 · 01/05/2020 19:31

I sometimes think that dh has paid the ex w to stay away. He would never admit to this but I do think he and ex w have used their kids as pawns in their battle and now she’s got her own back by dumping them on me and him. Though I’m not sure what kind of mother would accept money to abandon her kids. Could be a massive miscalculation on my part.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484986087 · 01/05/2020 19:31

If dh doesn’t want the marriage, he can leave or initiate proceedings.

OP posts:
Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 01/05/2020 19:32

I think your posts are quite clear actually so not missing any point here.
Why is he not allowed to put his kids ahead of you? You're an adult that can chose your environment for yourself. They are children who can't. He is responsible for their wellbeing. You're responsible for your own.
You just sound like you're desperate for attention now. Quite unpleasant.

If I was married to someone with that attitude towards my kids, ignoring them would be the last thing the list! My first step would be removing that toxic presence from their lives.