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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

No time together after SC moved in.

232 replies

Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 13:49

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

OP posts:
waaahhh · 29/04/2020 13:56

Sounds like normal family life to me. People choose to have kids - this is the life they expect. You chose a DP with kids - this is the life that comes with him

chunkyrun · 29/04/2020 13:58

That's family life for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2020 13:59

While it might be normal family life - and actually duty kids those ages I don’t think it is, most people can ask for or pay for a babysitter - OP is allowed to have a moan FGS. This place is awash with people feeling overrun and overwhelmed by their kids, especially at the moment when no one can go anywhere, and thankfully they don’t tend to get shitty unhelpful response like “well you chose to have them, tough luck” Hmm

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2020 14:02

It would be a deal breaker for me, I feel for you. Why did the contact arrangement change?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 14:03

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you. I know it’s family life, but does that mean I can’t have a moan sometimes?
Plus, they aren’t my family (the kids) and going from 1 child to 4 children overnight was a huge shock.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 14:04

@aSofaNearYou the kids wanted to come and live with us when their Mum decided to move abroad.

OP posts:
GobbleGob · 29/04/2020 14:08

You absolutely can have a moan OP. Just like all the other parents do all over MN.

Yes it might be family life but it's not breaking news that life with 3 kids is hard work! Especially when they aren't your children.

Are the children having trouble sleeping and being difficult because of their mum leaving?

I must admit I wouldn't stand for going up and downstairs 4/5 times an evening for a 9 & 11 year old because they won't go to bed when told (with the exception of additional needs of course), they are not young children. What's going on with their behaviour?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 14:11

@GobbleGob no special needs, just poss poor parenting I’m afraid. They have always been left to fall asleep playing computer games or YouTube etc. They were basically left to their own devices.

It irritates me because I would never stand for it if it was my kids, but they aren’t.

OP posts:
rosiepony · 29/04/2020 14:15

Ah so you’re kid is ok just not the others.
No judgement from me as I could never do this. But I would date a man with school age children.

Sorry, you’re fucked mate!

rosiepony · 29/04/2020 14:15

Wouldn’t!!!

rosiepony · 29/04/2020 14:16

Your nor you’re! So sorry!

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 14:16

I’m not stupid, my kids aren’t perfect, but th

OP posts:
FliesandPies · 29/04/2020 14:17

They aren't your kids but they are your family and you've got a right to have a say in their behaviour. You should be able to discuss with your DH about ways to help them with their sleep - it must be hard on them as well if their sleep is always disrupted or they don't get enough.

They might be less of a handful if it was addressed and then you would be able to have more quality time together

TitianaTitsling · 29/04/2020 14:17

How old is your child? Must be a big life change for them too at the moment, well for all the children!

GobbleGob · 29/04/2020 14:18

Have you spoken to your husband? They aren't your children no but it is your home as well.

If I were living with my husband's kids and my own full time, I'd expect my husband to be able to discuss rules for all of the household children with me and have an input in it, not just me mine and him his, that will never work long term. You need to talk to him.

Screens off at X time for everyone for example.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 14:18

Sorry, meant to say that I know my son isn’t an angel, but he is 17 and I never really had any problems with him.
I had strict rules and enforced them.

My DHs parenting is so different from mine!

OP posts:
Postmanbear · 29/04/2020 14:20

It is understandable to miss your old life and although you knew he had kids I assume when you got together he shared custody with their mother so you got a bit of time without them.
I would try and carve out a bit of time together. There’s no reason why you can’t go for a walk together leaving them alone, or say that from 9pm some nights you are not to be disturbed when chatting (unless emergency etc.).

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2020 14:20

Jesus, people really do just hang around here to stick the fucking boot in. So so boring and pointless.

Of course you can have a moan. Better out than in. If she’s gone abroad, their own mother has fucked off and ditched all responsibility for them so you get credit for having stepped up at all and you do whatever you need to to get through the days.

Is your child also your husband’s?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 14:20

Yes we have set tiles for everyone, all screens off at 8pm. Except for us parents and my 17 yr old.
The kids are fine up until this point, then they start moaning.
It’s any excuse to get out of bed and come downstairs. They’re poorly, need the loo, have homework to do to, are too hot, too cold..the list goes on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 14:22

No, my child isn’t my husbands.

We can’t leave them alone for 5 mins because they’d kill each other, plus not fair on the 13 year old to look after the younger ones.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 29/04/2020 14:24

I feel for you - it's a different thing entirely to have your stepkids with you for part of the week to having them move in with you full time. Were you consulted on this?

All I can suggest is that your husband works on getting them into a better bedtime routine so that you can have some time to yourselves in the evenings.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 14:28

Yes I was consulted. Although to be honest, there wasn’t another option. They didn’t want to move abroad, their dad didn’t want them to live so far away, and their mum was happy to move without them.
I said yes to them moving in, but I didn’t realise it would be like this.

OP posts:
MotheringShites · 29/04/2020 14:29

I have to admit I’m normally a bit unsympathetic towards moaning step-children threads. Making your bed and lying etc. However it is intolerable for a 9 and 11 year old to be behaving like toddlers at bedtime.

Do they go up too early? I have children the same age and I’ve found they really don’t need to go up before 8:30. Could you try and make a deal that bedtime can be later but once they’re up, that’s it.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2020 14:31

Of course you are allowed to have a moan. I've always been very transparent with my partner (in private obviously) that if he ended up having his son full time then I wouldn't stick around. It's not an ultimatum or a comment that I don't think he should see more of him if something changed, it's just honestly not the life I want or something I could put up with. I signed up to the arrangement as it was, any major increase to that could and would be a deal breaker, and I would certainly expect to be consulted before anything was agreed to. I sincerely hope your husband didn't just make the decision without you.

GobbleGob · 29/04/2020 14:33

Of course you can have a moan. Better out than in. If she’s gone abroad, their own mother has fucked off and ditched all responsibility for them

Don't worry Anne, someone will be along shortly to excuse this somehow.

OP moan/rant/rave away! It sounds tough, especially with their behaviour. Do you think it could warrant looking into them seeing someone?

I imagine their mum moving away and just waving them off has really thrown them emotionally, it must do. But it doesn't mean you should just leave it to fester. Your DH (and you as it's also your home), needs to get a better routine for them in terms of bedtime and try to tackle the other behaviour too.

I'd have a big chat with him one evening once they are all in bed. Lay out some new rules and stick to them. This can't work long term like this you will end up miserable and they may not realise it, but the kids will too if they aren't actually patented!

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