No time together after SC moved in.

[Bookaholic73]

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

[aSofaNearYou]

Sad to have her partners children living with her? Really?

Well, yes, it is sad to unexpectedly go from dedicating half or less of your time to your partner's children, to all of it. For most partners of non resident parents who have always been NR, it would be unexpected. Him having kids does not mean there was ever any indication they would end up living with him full time. And it obviously is on some level sad for OP (though she has said she doesn't mind the fact that they live there, just the toll their behaviour at bedtime is taking on their relationship), or she wouldn't have made this thread.

Why is there any need for competitive sadness? Yes the situation has negatively impacted the kids. It has negatively impacted OP too. It's not one or the other.

[IdblowJonSnow]

OP you're getting a hard time on here. It sounds tough. I can only echo that you and your partner need to come up with some strategies around bedtimes and screentimes and stick to them.
3 step kids is a lot to take on. I'm not sure if I could do it.
You say you generally love having them which is fab. Best of luck!

[EveryLifeHasASoundtrack]

But that might be a dealbreaker for some people and it's okay if it is.

Yes. And OP is free to leave the relationship whenever she wants to.

[EveryLifeHasASoundtrack]

aSofaNearYou

But OP has had and still has options. The kids don’t. Mum fucked off, now their dads partner isn’t fully happy with them living with their dad.

Again, if you are with someone with kids, at any point they may end up living with you full time. It’s hardly the biggest shock in the world.

[Candyfloss99]

Again, if you are with someone with kids, at any point they may end up living with you full time. It’s hardly the biggest shock in the world.

I think a child's mother leaving then to move overseas is quite shocking actually.

[aSofaNearYou]

EveryLifeHasaSoundtrack

And? Like I said, that is competitive sadness. Whether or not it is sad for the kids doesn't effect whether or not it is also sad for OP.

Things can still be disappointing if you have a choice. Otherwise most adults would never be sad.

And me and my partner would both be very shocked if we ended up in a situation where his son needed to move in full time. When there is a firmly established resident parent and the child is very happy there, there's no reason to assume the situation would change. Most resident parents don't decide to leave their children behind.

[RandomMess]

From a practical point of the 13 year old is ok and doesn't complain he should be rewarded for it in front of the others.

Such as an extra 20 mins of device time or a later bedtime....

Find their bribe!

Sounds like your DH needs to be firmer with them and not cave to water works.

[funinthesun19]

Yes. And OP is free to leave the relationship whenever she wants to.

I wouldn’t blame her if she does.

Sad to have her partners children living with her? Really?

You’d be surprised at how many stepmums wouldn’t be jumping around for joy at the thought.
Do you expect the op to be excited about it?

[EveryLifeHasASoundtrack]

I think a child's mother leaving then to move overseas is quite shocking actually.

Yes. But there are lots of reasons that are less shocking that can mean a child chooses to change which parent they live with. OP knew her partner was a father when she met him and that his children could at any point choose to live with him.

[EveryLifeHasASoundtrack]

When there is a firmly established resident parent and the child is very happy there, there's no reason to assume the situation would change.

I’d guess the mother wasn’t exactly a stable. reliable resident parent as she’s just fucked off and left her children. There’s no way she was a great mum, providing a stable home and then just left them. I would think the dad knew this was a possibility.

[EveryLifeHasASoundtrack]

You’d be surprised at how many stepmums wouldn’t be jumping around for joy at the thought.
Do you expect the op to be excited about it?

There’s some lovely dedicated step mums out there. Maybe not excited, but if you’re with someone with kids you should be prepared for the kids to interrupt your perfect world one day. You’re with someone who has responsibilities.

[2outof3Mightbebad]

Sounds pretty normal for children aged 13 and under. Not sure what you expected?

[Puds11]

@Bookaholic73 do the younger two share a room?

[aSofaNearYou]

Maybe the mother wasn't the most stable, but she may not have ever given any indication she would end up moving abroad. I imagine they thought it was more likely to not happen than to happen. It can still be disappointed when something that was a possibility but you judged unlikely, ends up happening. By the sounds of things, they at least lacked a clear picture of how bad the sleeping situation was, so didn't expect it to impact them in the negative way it has. There's no reason a person can't be sad of something just because it was always possible.

[Runmybathforme]

Can’t stand the way some people stick the boot into step parents here. You didn’t sign up for this, of course you’re entitled to a moan.
You have to have a serious conversation with your DH. Set some ground rules, and stick to them, otherwise your life will be a misery.

[Namelessinseattle]

I think the podcasts or audiobooks to fall asleep to might be a great trick- I sometimes get into the habit of sleeping to the tv and it's a tough one to crack. You could start leaving something on till they sleep and then gradually set a timer so it's on for an hour, then 45 mins etc. Stephen Fry reads the Harry Potter audiobooks and he's great. It could be a good compromise.

[EveryLifeHasASoundtrack]

aSofaNearYou

Well she was obviously not the sort of mother put her children first, I think dad would have been very aware of that. It can’t have been very unexpected in that case that one day the children would be with him full time.

If I ever split from my kids dad, we’d have them 50/50 but we’d both selfishly want them full time. I wouldn’t personally want to be with someone who didn’t want their kids full time so if I was in a relationship with someone with kids i wouldn’t feel sad in this situation.

Like someone said earlier, it may be a dealbreaker for OP and that’s her choice. The kids are there to stay with their dad and kids do mean you don’t always have time to spend nurturing your relationship, especially when they’ve been fucked up by a shitty parent already. That’s just life.

[EveryLifeHasASoundtrack]

aSofaNearYou

I suppose I’m always shocked and disappointed when either parent doesn’t really want their kids full time.

[Bookaholic73]

I love all of the assumptions about how I don’t want them here.
If you actually READ the thread, you’ll know that’s not the case.
Please actually read it before you comment about how terrible I am.

[Bookaholic73]

@Puds11 yes they do. There isn’t another option at the moment.

[Bookaholic73]

I love the idea of podcasts and audiobooks. We tried it, but had the same issue as soon as the screens went off. Even if allowed to read/listen to music/podcasts etc

[EveryLifeHasASoundtrack]

Bookaholic73

If that’s aimed at me, I don’t think you’re terrible at all. I just feel sorry for the kids. Their mum has left them and now they’re getting in the way of your relationship. They’ll pick up on that and feel really unwanted, even if you do want them there. You have to accept that life has changed for the next few years, I think it’ll get worse before it gets better, or you leave.

[Bookaholic73]

@2outof3Mightbebad seriously, you think this is normal for kids, to cause problems at bed time?
For toddlers and pre-schoolers maybe, but not 9 and 11 year olds!

[aSofaNearYou]

I suppose I'm just shocked and disappointed when either parent doesn't really want their kids full time

My partner theoretically would like to have his son full time, he just accepts that he lives with his mum primarily instead. I, personally, wouldn't want him to live with us full time, but I'm not his parent so it's not unnatural that I should feel that way.

[Puds11]

I think the sharing a room is going to be part of the issue. I understand that there isn’t any easy resolution to this but it’s something to consider.