No time together after SC moved in.

[Bookaholic73]

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

You have my sympathy OP. It is family life - but even in a nuclear family, parents are allowed to want adult time! We had DD 7 months ago, and we had exactly one date night before lockdown kicked in. We both regret that as spending time together makes us a better team to cope with baby DD + pre teen SC. Most parents do have access to some kind of babysitting and nothing wrong with that. When things go back to normal would your OH consider paying a babysitter occasionally?

9 and 11 is same age as my SC, they of course moan a bit about bedtime, but what yours are doing is ridiculous. We have the same screen time cutoff too and it's reasonable IMHO. What do you think their main motivation is for their behaviour? Daddy attention? Screens? Used to have less strict rules in the past? I don't know if it would help, but my DP puts his kids to bed by spending time in their room (at least half an hour) and reading with the 9yo. Then he comes out and spends time with me too. This makes it a late night for us but it's the only way we have found to make everyone happy.

You dont want to parent them? Then why sign up to be a step parent?

Have to laugh at an earlier poster who said that as the partner was the NRP there is an expectation of alone time. Newsflash a parent is a parent. You cant just presume the RP will always be there. Thats ridiculous.

@Bookaholic73 It’s any excuse to get out of bed and come downstairs. They’re poorly, need the loo, have homework to do to, are too hot, too cold..the list goes on

When in fact, they are none of those things, but they are as insecure as HELL!!

Takw time to think about it feorm their perspective...

Their parents split up - dad left, he abandoned them (and yes, I know he didn't, but this is THEIR perspective, remember)
Their mum moved abroad - abandoning them.
Forced to move in with dad and his wife, and her son who they probably don't know that well.
Don't see mum, and haven't for 5mths.

You put an arbitrary timeline (way too small) of 6 months on them being settled and are not happy that you don't have the freedom you thought you would have.

Seriously? These kids have been through so much, with both parents at some point walking away from them and in one case leaving the country.

Have you stopped to ask how they feel about this?
Have you asked how you can help them settle in?
Are their rooms "theirs"?

You say you have no desire to parent them, they know this, theyt know how you feel about them. They will not be comfortable in your house because of this. The only way for the to settle is for you both to make them feel settled, and that will take far longer than 5mths.

excuse typos.

My 17 year old doesn’t like them being here

Great, so no one wants them. Poor kids, I am not surprised they play up to be honest. They probably think no one wants them, and that dad is a default because mum buggered off.

Not only have they moved house, and no longer see one parent you have also implemented a new bedtime routine (and it's good not to be on screen until they fall asleep), Corona came in and turned us all upside down, so they have all that to contend with. You are asking an awful lot of them, op.

Plus how are they maintaining friendships? Still close to friends from when they lived with mum? When did they last see/talk to friends (yes, hard at present I get that), but they have SO much change to adapt to, that I think you need to realize this and stop resenting them. This will change if you are willing to put in the hard work they need.

@Willyoujustbequiet I am not their parent. They have 2 parents, I am not 1 of them.

Book if you are married to their father you are their step mother. You are a step parent. The clue is in the title.

If you didnt want to parent them then perhaps you should have chosen differently.