No time together after SC moved in.

[Bookaholic73]

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

[aSofaNearYou]

Do you have children with an ex spouse who went abroad and left the kids?
If you wouldn't put them first that speaks volumes about your parenting

No, I don't. But if I did, then I would be very sure to make extra effort to prioritise both them and my spouse, who I would appreciate I was asking a huge amount from (assuming there was no reason to suspect my ex was going to move abroad meaning I would have them full time at the point we got together.) I wouldn't allow them to do whatever they wanted at bedtime, knowing it was making the situation far harder for my spouse. Both things would be important to me.

And, more importantly, in OPs shoes I wouldn't allow myself to be miserable in order to put the needs of children I did not expect to end up living with full time first at all times. If it was making me unhappy (which it would do) then I would put my own needs first, and leave. It shouldn't be expected of step parents to put somebody else's kids needs first.

[Bookaholic73]

They’ve been living here for 5 months and we have reduced bedtime by 15 mins at appropriate steps, as recommended by the counsellor.
They used to all fall asleep about midnight.

Yes, you are right that parents normally get alone time when their kids are teenagers. But they aren’t my kids, I’m not their parent.
And getting up and down 4-5 times just because they don’t want to stay in bed.

I would certainly not leave my 17 yr old to look after them. They aren’t his responsibility.

@Devlesko they don’t ‘need’ to get out of bed every 5 mins just because they don’t want to go to bed. And actually, to have a successful marriage, couples do need alone time together.

My 17 year old doesn’t like them being here. He escapes the worst as he works evenings and is at college during the day.

[Mintjulia]

Date night once a week for the next seven years? Then I guess you’ll get your happy-couple life back.

It’s hard

[Bookaholic73]

@krustykittens the thing is, I don’t WANT to parent them. They aren’t my kids. I’ll support and help DH and the kids, who I enjoy spending time with, but it’s not my job (or desire) to become their parent.

[aSofaNearYou]

If you don't want to enforce the rules yourself, then your DH should, but it's your home too and you should have a say in what they are.

[Onone]

You are going to end up very miserable if things carry on,I can understand how you feel

[myrtleWilson]

I don't think 5 months is a terribly long time given the upheavals the kids have been through - mom leaving to live abroad, lockdown. Have you and your DH got shared milestones in your heads - where did you expect to be at 5 months, whats reasonable at 8 months, what would living all together for 12 months look like?

[Bookaholic73]

@aSofaNearYou I think enforcing the rules is very different to parenting.
Of course I definitely want to enforce the rules. But then all I get is your cant tell me what to do, you’re not my mum’. Plus, if I intervene it’s just playing into their evening behaviour.

[Bookaholic73]

At 6 months we expected to be much more settled into a routine with them in the evenings.
In 12 months we expect to actually be able to sit down on the sofa together in the evening!

I get that they’ve had a massive upheaval (believe me, I totally understand that!) but at what point can people stop using it as an excuse for their behaviour? They were like this before their mum left, hence why she used to leave them to fall asleep at whatever time they liked in front of their screens.

[aSofaNearYou]

I think enforcing the rules is very different to parenting.
Of course I definitely want to enforce the rules. But then all I get is your cant tell me what to do, you’re not my mum’

Agreed, all I mean is that if you don't want to have to do the parenting and get them to go to bed, then your husband should be taking your views into consideration and doing it himself.

What does he say about them speaking to you like that?

[ALovelyBitOfSquirrel]

No advice really OP but I feel for you. My long suffering sister has SC issues. It's a nightmare. You didn't choose this just because you married their father and those bitching at you are just showing how unpleasant they are. Also they are far too old to be fucking around at bedtime.

[Bookaholic73]

@aSofaNearYou he hates them talking to me like that, he tells them to stop being rude and disrespectful. But they just turn on the water works as soon as he tells them off.

[Techway]

Lockdown will have put the whole schedule back. Less routine, exercise and friend interaction. I think every parent is struggling with younger children so I don't think you can compare now to a normal time.

Whilst you are not a parent, you will be fulfilling a parental role but you can't discipline until there is a relationship, which will take years to establish.

What are your options? Leave, put up and feel resentful or try to adopt a positive attitude??. It is likely to get better but it will take a few years.

If you want time with your husband carve out a few hours a week, that is all you can realistically do. Shame the 17 year old isn't up for helping, would he babysit for money?

[Bathbedandbeyond]

I would find that very, very difficult OP. You sounds lovely.

You can’t improve the situation so I guess the question is whether you can accept it for the foreseeable future or whether it’s too much and you want to consider alternative life paths.

[Bookaholic73]

It’s not that my 17 year old isn’t up for baby sitting, he works in the evenings.
And even if he didn’t, I wouldn’t ask him because they are such a handful.

[midwestsummer]

The dc really haven't had very long to adapt to their mother leaving them, moving into a new family situation, a new style of being parented and then all the pandemic stuff on top of that.
I am inclined to agree with a previous poster that some family therapy might be really useful when it is possible to do. Because you are all part of the same family now and need to find ways of working that are manageable for you all.
We have DT's, age 11. One goes to bed minimal hassle, the other has anxiety and sometimes is fine sometimes not. Even with the same inputs you don't get the same results with dc.
These dc have had unusual parenting previously by the sounds of it and then massive disruption and then a pandemic. It sounds like a long haul situation.

[Bookaholic73]

@Bathbedandbeyond I love him so much, but also know that I can’t carry on like this long term.

[Bookaholic73]

I just want to say that the kids are well behaved at all other times. We have fun, they have quality time etc.
They aren’t ‘bad’ kids at all, but as soon as dinner is finished they turn into nightmares.
The 13 year old is good as gold. It’s the 2 younger ones that play up.

[GoofyLuce]

I think you need to accept that until your step children are into their teenage years, your alone time with your husband will be in short supply.

I agree that the 2 youngest shouldn't be up and down after bedtime. You need to sit down with your husband and talk about how your going to tackle this, and any other behavioural issues together, as a team. If you raise it with your husband in a judgmental way then you'll turn this situation into a step mum vs step children issue rather than a family issue. Provinding you get on with your step children once this issue is resolved you could have a lovely few years ahead of you with your blended family!

[midwestsummer]

When we are having issues with getting dc to bed DH and I miss our adult time on the sofa, so I do understand that OP.

For what is worth things that we find helpful are, personal screens stop 2 hours before bed to allow plenty of wind down time.
We do a family activity for half an hour before bed. Each family member takes it in turn to choose.
Strong emphasis on bedtime routine, shower or bath, followed by either book being read or family meditation using headspace.
DC finds this hard when wound up but it does help.
It is hard for us as it means stepping up to do more intensive parenting just when we most want to stop for the day.
But dc aren't behaving badly for the hell of it but because they aren't able to settle effectively by themselves so we need to step in and help them do this as parents.
We aren't going to be doing this forever, soon enough they will grumpy teens hiding in their room.
I'll be sitting on the sofa drinking wine with DH then.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Whilst I sympathize with how much has changed for you, I can't help but feel sad for them. Mum has gone, in a new house, with dads partner and her son, then the bloody Corona. I feel that there is probably quite a bit going in in their heads.
Sounds like you are doing a good job weaning them off of the screens.
What do they do past 8Pm? Before bed? Do they share a room? Maybe that's an issue.
Sounds like family therapy is a good idea for all of you. Best of luck

[Magda72]

Op not sure of the circumstances but it doesn't sound like dm 'fucked off' to quote other posters - it sounds like kids & your dh were given a choice - kids go with dm or stay with df & they, as a former family' made a decision to have kids stay with dh? - a decision that has greatly impacted on you & your ds.
Now that they're with you it sounds like they are still living by dm's standards & not yours which is not ok despite what the anti sm brigade will say on here. 9 & 11 are ridiculous ages to have your dh going up & down stairs & they are way too old to not contemplate a baby sitter. I also find it utter ridiculous that a 9, 11 & 13 year old can't be left alone for an hour (while you walk the dog) without killing each other.
Your dh needs to step up with discipline & cut the crap out of their behaviour (& include you in this) & if he's not prepared to do so I personally would not want to stay with him.
I've mentioned on here a lot that one of my reasons for splitting with dp was that I could not ask my kids to deal with the lack of discipline in dp's set up - it would have been grossly unfair on them & I think the 'lost' people in a lot of step/blended set ups are the resident kids who are just expected to suck up a load of crap from the nrp set up because nr kids are perceived as 'missing' a parent; normally the dad, who parents out of guilt (even if he's nothing to be guilty for) & not for the well-being of the kids.

[Ahundredpercentthatbitch]

For the foreseeable future the kids have to come first, their needs have to come before your wants

I don't understand the 'kids should always come first' argument. To me, it's as vapid as 'your kids your rulez, hun'. Different family members have different needs at different times. If there was a situation where my DH's needs were more acute than my DC's, I would prioritise my DH in that instance. And he would, and has done, the same for me.

What they need is discipline, consistency, and boundaries. Not to be given free rein to do whatever they want at the expense of other people in the family.

What OP is to feel heard, and for her DH to give their relationship some attention and nurturing. Her DH really should make that one of his priorities before he finds himself parenting those kids solo.

I hate the way step mothers are always expected to silence themselves and just suck up the bare minimum in terms of treatment and respect in return for the privilege of watching a man incompetently parent his own children.

[Icanflyhigh]

Wow.

You dont want to parent them as they're not your kids.....
Sorry love but you chose a DP with children. What would you like him to do? Put them into Foster care every few weeks so you can have some alone time?

Women like you mystify me.

If you don't like it, I suggest you should start looking for a new place to live. Your DP sounds like a fantastic father and he's putting his children first. Shame you can't be an adult and do the same.

[Ahundredpercentthatbitch]

Women like you mystify me

A woman like the OP, who takes on her husband's children full time?

As opposed to their mother, who fucks off abroad and never sees them?