Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

No time together after SC moved in.

232 replies

Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 13:49

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 20:10

@GoofyLuce sorry, that was meant for someone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 20:13

@Mum2Girls19 it hasn’t ‘changed slightly’. It’s changed massively!
What did I expect? I expected and 11 year old and 9 year old to sleep like 11 year olds and 9 year olds do! I don’t think that’s unreasonable!

If I had an 11 year old and 9 year old of my own, I would expect the same!

OP posts:

midwestsummer · 29/04/2020 20:16

Did they sleep well at your house before they moved there permanently?

If they have always struggled it is going to take a fair amount of work to change because these are patterns formed over many years)

If it used to be fine then hopefully once they are over the distress of their mother leaving them and have adjusted to their new lives it will settle down.
( obviously this also needs to take c19 into account)

midwestsummer · 29/04/2020 20:18

Also just to add that some dc are great sleepers and natural self soothers and others just aren't.
It can always be worked on but there isn't one normal for every dc.

coronabeer23 · 29/04/2020 20:18

Have you tried bribery? Not exactly stellar parenting but my 10 year old will do most things for some robux. It might break the cycle

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 20:22

@midwestsummer most of the time, but they’ve always been a bit difficult to settle. Obviously we thought it was the change of houses, beds, bedrooms etc.
But since they’ve lived here these past 5 months, it’s been horrendous. Their Mum says they have always fallen asleep with tablets/screens at about midnight (DH knows this too) and has kicked off when they don’t have them. So their mum has just let them have the screens to fall asleep to.

OP posts:

Chucklecheeks01 · 29/04/2020 20:38

Have you thought about screens off earlier on the first night. Any moaning they go off earlier the next night? Carry on this as long as is needed.

I think your bigger issue is your DH, if he isnt consistent with rules and consequences they will always act up.

midwestsummer · 29/04/2020 20:45

I agree that consistency is needed with whatever your household strategy is.
What are the dc's ideas about being able to get to sleep easier?
Have playlists or podcasts been tried? Echo dots can work well.
Although realistically until you have a unified family strategy towards bedtimes and are all working towards it change is going to be very difficult.
I wonder if your expectations need to be a little lower OP and your DH's need to be a little higher.

occa · 29/04/2020 22:06

I agree with starting with the sleep/screen time issue.

Set an amount of screen time per day.

30 minutes before bedtime devices go off. They can read or chat or play after that but no screens.

For every time they get out of bed after bedtime (apart from legit reasons like illness, obv) take 15 minutes off their screen time for the following day.

Keep track and enforce it.

TheRedhen1 · 29/04/2020 22:22

You're not being unreasonable.

At the end of the day, you're in a relationship with your partner first and foremost.

That doesn't mean the kids don't matter and shouldn't be considered.

If you're not getting any time to actually have a relationship, what's the point?

A mum would put up with it because they're her kids and she might be prepared to sacrifice her relationship for her own kids. A step mum can't be expected to do the same.

Try and get your partner to sort out their bedtimes. It benefits everyone. If not, what really is the point of being together?

Jamjar18 · 29/04/2020 23:22

How about incentivising them with being able to stay on their screens later on Friday/Saturday night if they settle down on the time rest of the week? It’s rediculous that your DH evenings are spent settling 9 and 11 year olds. I think it’s become a battle of the wills now so maybe an incentive might just give you some evenings back in the week. Not ideal I know but as a step parent I’ve found my DH and I need to meet in the middle with his ex’s dreadful parenting as it would be too much of a shock for the kids. Also why don’t you try also going to bed at 9pm also for a little bit (but sit up and talk/read/watch tv together in bed). Again not ideal but if they don’t have a platform to perform and think you are in bed they might just give up and go to sleep.

MaybeDoctor · 30/04/2020 07:54

My tip would be to get them competing with each other. Competing to be ‘good’ that is...

I suspect that at present they play a big role in keeping each other in the pattern: one of them hears the patter of feet on the landing, wonders what is going on and decides to have some of that...

Set a bedtime for each of them. If they stay in bed they keep it, if they mess around they go to bed earlier the next night. Keeping to it earns points for a treat.

No individual screens after 7pm for the two youngest. But perhaps you can do something together as a family.

For context, my 10 year old goes to bed between 8.00 and 8.15 in term time. They are often yawning by 7.45.

Hth.

MaybeDoctor · 30/04/2020 07:56

Oh and you need to directly challenge the ‘I don’t have to do what you say...’. If you don’t tackle this head on - firmly but kindly - you will get nowhere.

OoooImBlindedByTheLight · 30/04/2020 10:59

you absolutely can’t say they aren’t part of your family - they are. In a way even more than your older child is because they are just kids and you are the only maternal figure in their lives at the moment

Ok I’ll tell my DP that my DD is more his family than his own DCs because he’s the only father figure in her life and she’s younger than his kids

funinthesun19 · 30/04/2020 13:09

OoooImBlindedByTheLight Oh no I bet it’s different if it’s a man. We all know stepmums have to neglect their own children emotionally/financially/physically in favour of their stepchildren. This thread amongst many others confirms this.

dontdisturbmenow · 30/04/2020 14:44

How did them coming about living with you take place? You haven't mentioned it being imposed on you so assume you had a say in it. Did their mum moved to be with a new partner? How far away? We're they going to go with her first?

Falling asleep in a different routine than what you've been used to and always known is very hard. Worse when you miss your mum which will get to them most when things go quiet.

Imagine being used to go to bed in total quiet at 10pm and you're told that you're expected to go to sleep at 7pm in very noisy conditions? It would take time wouldn't it?

It is going to take time and you need to be patient. At the moment, what you are missing is time in front of the TV with your oh. It's not the end of the world. You can still cuddle and be close to him at night. Maybe wake up earlier in the mornings and have a nice chat with breakfast in bed.

If you had no say in them coming to live with you, I do feel for you even if ultimately, the outcome would have been the same.

Either way, of course you are entitled to moan, like we all do for our own reasons, but it doesn't mean that they are in the wrong or that they have to make yet more changes to their routine just to accommodate you.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 30/04/2020 16:19

RTFT. Op did explain. The mother moved abroad, DC didn't want to go sadly for the OP.

FTstepmum · 30/04/2020 16:26

I'm also a full-time stepmum by choice to 4 children (5, 8, 9, 12). Their biological mother left them completely 5 years ago.

It is very hard, esp with lockdown. SM's often don't get the same respect that they might give to their father.

When it's too much to bear, my approach is to defer these times to my DH. I'll either leave the room entirely or be on hand if I'm needed.

Hope that helps xxx

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 30/04/2020 17:43

What did I expect? I expected and 11 year old and 9 year old to sleep like 11 year olds and 9 year olds do! I don’t think that’s unreasonable!

But if they do never had a good bedtime routine with their mum and now their mum has fucked off and left them, it’s no winder they don’t settle. So I don’t know why you would have expected them to. Poor kids.

If you get involved with someone with children, there’s always the possibility that they may end up living with that parent full time. Hopefully they’ll start to feel more secure soon with some good routines, although I’m sure they’ll fight against them.

As they get older, you might get less time together though. Teens stay up as late or later than parents and they may choose to be downstairs with you.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 30/04/2020 17:44

wonder

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 30/04/2020 17:46

Op did explain. The mother moved abroad, DC didn't want to go sadly for the OP.

Sadly, for the OP. I think the only people it’s sad for are the children that their mum has left them. And surely the OPs partner would have been devastated if his children moved abroad.

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2020 17:49

I think the only people it's sad for are the children

Why does it need to be so black and white? It is sad for both.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 30/04/2020 17:57

It is sad for both.

Sad to have her partners children living with her? Really? It can’t be wholly unexpected. She’s with a man who has kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The kids on the other hand have had no say in any of the decisions their parents have made. Yet another example of adults wanting to just live their lives and the children just having to fit in and being moaned about when they don’t just slit in nicely. Poor kids.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 30/04/2020 17:58

slot in

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 30/04/2020 18:01

If you get involved with someone with children, there’s always the possibility that they may end up living with that parent full time

But that might be a dealbreaker for some people and it's okay if it is.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10