No time together after SC moved in.

[Bookaholic73]

My DH and I used to have a great relationship, spent evenings out walking the dog or going out to eat/drink, or just sitting down chatting about how our day went etc.

Then last year his 3 children (9, 11 and 13) moved in. Now we have absolutely no time together at all.
I enjoy having the step kids here, he is a very hands on dad so i don’t have to do lots for them.

But I just miss our time together.

The 2 youngest SC aren’t great at sleeping, so he is often up and down the stairs at least 4 or 5 times during the evening. Then mornings are hectic getting them to school or me going off to work while he is at home working and home schooling at the moment.

We don’t get any time at all. Gone are the days where we can chat about our day, eat dinner in peace, go out together for an evening.

DH agreed that he misses it too, but doesn’t see how it’ll change. Nobody will look after his 2 younger kids as they are a ‘handful’ (they really are) and their mum never sees them as she moved abroad.

Not sure if the reason for this post, but just wondering if anyone else has felt/feels the same?

I agree with some of the others posters, that having no time to yourself is not acceptable and also given the children’s ages. We make sure the children here go upstairs and play/outside and at bedtime sometimes they can watch a film or play their game but once everything is off it’s in their rooms and asleep. The eldest occasionally comes down to get something but just gets it and goes back up. We usually watch something and spend time together every night almost, we do family nights too but not every night.

It’s important to have time together, kids are stressful and I would be advocating that parents should do that whether step or bio parents.

It sounds to me like DH needs to put some rules in and stick to them. If when screens are off they don’t go to bed, then they go off earlier, to give them time to have a wee/drink/snack etc etc. They do it in this time, or it doesn’t happen at all (bar the toilet really). If they continuously come downstairs then they don’t get any screen time the following day.

It’s not difficult to do but if the poor parenting isn’t undone now, it’ll carry on forever.

There is no one thirstier than a child who's been told it's bed time

Don’t live with someone with kids then. A man with kids can’t devote as much time to you as some women like OP seem to need. You’ll always be lower on the priority list than the children when they are having a tough time, or at least you should be. You can’t expect to have a partner all to yourself and for the kids to just disappear when you want them to. They won’t just fit in with your schedule and when the kids are unsettled for obvious reasons I think it’s selfish to be thinking ‘but I need my partners attention.

Erm, no. I absolutely do not have to feel the same about his son as he does to be with him. HE needs to not be delusional enough to expect me to. Which he isn't. Our arrangement works fine - I respect that he has his son at the designated contact times (and I get on with his son fine and am kind to him). But the time outside of that is our own and I enjoy it. I wouldn't be with him if it was full time and he knows it. He, in turn respects that I am not his son's parent so I don't feel the same excitement and joy seeing him as he does. That is the healthy level of mutual respect between a parent and a non parent they have chosen to live with. We both know where the other stands and respect it. This is all very normal stuff.

As respectful adults who both have a voice, we jointly come to decisions for the family, he doesn't put me "lower on his priorities". That includes bedtimes, which we don't budge on for more than half an hour. Bedtimes are a rule in our household both my SS and our daughter, for their own sake and ours. They need sleep, and they also need to understand that adults spend all day doing things for them, watching kids tv etc, and unless they want to start doing a balance of adult things they find terribly boring during the day instead, then after children's bedtime is adult time. We are all important, nobody is lower.

Kids do fit into adult schedules. That is what life as a child is, the adults set the rules for everybody's sake, including the kids.

You wouldn't be with somebody who didn't love your child exactly like they were their own, and I wouldn't be with somebody who thought it was healthy to have, and expected me to put up with, a hierachy of who is the most important.

aSofaNearYou

My last reply, you’re just making stuff up now.

I’ve never said a step parent has to feel the same about their step children as a biological parent. I think they should feel more than a need to ‘tolerate’ and ‘put up’ with them though.

I never said you should be lower on priorities all the time, just when the kids are having ‘a tough time’.... you know, like when their mum has fucked off and left them and they’re clearly struggling.

Yes, adults set rules but I’m afraid they do not always fit into your schedule. They don’t always do as they’re asked for various reasons, not always because they’re just naughty. Kids have worries and concerns which can make them not go to bed well for example.

I wouldn’t be with someone who only ‘tolerated’ or ‘put up’ with my children, no.

Personally I wouldn’t live with a partner who wasn’t my kids dad whilst the kids were young. I only know 2 people where the relationships genuinely work and everyone is happy. I know loads where there’s resentment and bitterness and unhappy kids.

Your arrangement works fine. Great.

You seem to be getting worked up, I’m hiding the thread now.

EveryLifeHasaSoundtrack

Nobody is getting worked up. Several people have replied the same thing to you - everybody but you can see clear as day that you have very strongly suggedted that step parents should feel the same excitement as parents at the thought of living with their step children, and anybody who doesn't feel that way shouldn't be there.

Your comments are right here and we have all read them. We are all saying that is ridiculous and it's perfectly natural for a step parent in this situation to struggle.

They are perfectly fine watching YouTube in their rooms for a while, I really don't need to be glued to them all day
You seem to have miss the point that the kids in OP's case are not to have screens after a certain time. They'd be fine in their room to watch youTube.

You seem to have miss the point that the kids in OP's case are not to have screens after a certain time

I was responding to the poster who seemed horrified that children could possibly be asked to go play in their room from 9pm onwards.

YouTube, boardgame, reading a book whatever, I don't see a problem.

I think they should feel more than a need to ‘tolerate’ and ‘put up’ with them though
You can’t force yourself to like someone, lots of ppl are not likeable.
My DPs DD15 is an incredibly rude, spoiled, entitled person there is very little to like, she fights and argues with everyone; parents, siblings, friends, I’ll never feel the same way for her as I do my own DC, that’s life.

OP, I can only imagine what a shock to the system this must have been. I can understand why you're mourning your old life.

I think I'd want to.establish with dh the sort of family life you want, and then build and enforce that. So, if it's kids in bed by 9 and out of rooms for verifiable emergencies only... you need two need to make that happen. You've already done loads of work getting the bedtime moved earlier.

They need to respect you and do as you say. 'You're not my mum' should be dealt with swiftly: I doubt they try that line of argument at school. If dh won't back you up on this point, I'd accept that the marriage is over.

Make sure that your ds is okay. I feel for him.

They need some sanctions. Devices off and handed over at 8. Phones etc.do not stay in the bedroom. If they leave their rooms after 9pm (obviously toilet is okay!) then they lose device time. If they moan about it, they lose device time. If they go to bed at 9, stay there and don't fuss and moan, then there's a treat next day.

Give the regime a few months. Hopefully they will feel more secure and you will have a homelife that you and your ds enjoy too.

You can go on one thread where everyone's shouting YOU'RE NOT THEIR PARENT BACK OFF. And then go onto another two threads down where everyone is shouting YOU HAVE TO PARENT THEM LIKE IT OR NOT

MN is mental about step parents.

I genuinely think this is one of those topics where, unless you're a step parent, or have ever been one, you really ought to STFU.

Walk a mile in a step parent's shoes before having an opinion.

I feel for you.. I wouldnt want my SC here full time either it's a lot taking on kids full time that arent ours, it would be so different if your SCs mum was in the picture and let's say went to hers EOW kind of set up. But you've basically been dumped on as there is now no other mother around? How awful.
I cannot believe a mother would abandon children how god knows how long, I guess the only advice I have to try your best but you're DP needs to a million times step but because this is his situation and it shouldn't be breaking you're relationship.
Do the kids have familial contact from the mothers side still?

I wouldn’t be with someone who only ‘tolerated’ or ‘put up’ with my children, no.

That’s fine and totally your choice.
But you do realise that not everyone jumps for joy in excitement regarding their stepchildren. It doesn’t mean they hate them, it just means they accept that their partner has a child and don’t get overly invested in them. Especially when they have another parent elsewhere. Clearly that’s wrong to you.

And yes, stepparents do have to “put up with” stuff.

Totally feel for you Op.

Am in a similar situation - mother left and basically dumped 2 of 3 dsk on us - one aged 16 and the other 10. Dh and I have a 34 month old ds. 10 year old has behavioural issues and all dh does is run around after him. Our marriage is at breaking point. I’m only here stil for my ds.

OP if you have 4 bedrooms and a dining room then surely everyone can have their own room? Or am I misreading that? I do think that would help.
My DSC live here most of the time and go to their mum EOW. Even though I knew this would be the case from the start it's still hard, and frustrating when my DH slacks on parenting. Sometimes I step in myself, other times I explain to him how it's affecting things and make suggestions for dealing with it. Given your particular situation I think it may take longer than it otherwise might for the children to adapt to the change, and your husband needs to be really firm and consistent in sticking to the rules.

That's what I worked out nerdy bit but think younger 2 share 'dining room' - Althea hope it's called their bedroom now!

And I don't care whether mum has followed her military boyfriend or gone to turkey with someone she met a week ago, neither is acceptable to just up and leave your children imo
It sounds like they were going to move with her but then changed their minds. Fathers move all the time, why is it so bad when it's a mum who does? We don't know the circumstances.

Fathers move all the time, why is it so bad when it's a mum who does?

You're assuming I'd excuse a father doing the same. I wouldn't.

Fact is, a parent moving abroad without their children (when young) is always going to have a very negative affect on those children. I would never do that to my kids and I can't excuse someone else doing it either whether they are a mum or a dad, whatever the reason.

I don't think my kids would ever get over me just moving abroad and leaving them. How anyone can excuse inflicting that level of emotional damage on children is beyond me to be honest.

Ooo BINGO. Knew it wouldn't be long when I started reading for someone to try and excuse mum ditching her kids.

Can you think of any scenario where you'd up and leave your kids to move abroad at those ages? I can't.

OP your DH needs to try harder to get the kids in a routine, with rules that are enforced. I understand they've been through a lot with their mum leaving but providing them with stability, and that includes rules and discipline, is the best way forward.

If a man moved abroad and left his kids yes I would think he was disgusting and not fit to be a parent.

Hi OP, sorry you seem to be getting a hard time from some posters.

Having read your posts here I think there are a few things that stand out for me...

1. they have basically been abandoned by their mother. Any child would struggle with that regardless of age. Abandonment often comes with behaviour regression. Whilst I don't think their behaviour is acceptable I do think it's understandable bad to be expected. I think you need to take a very large deep breath and accept that it has been a year and that is no time at all really.

Have you spoken with schools etc regarding counselling for the children?

2. you amd your husband seem like you are mostly working as a team which is good. He is obviously going to be torn and I can understand that he will be softer in dealing with it... He is compensating for their mum's absence.

3. you say screen's go off for everyone except your, hubby and your 17 year old.. How long between off time and bedtime? What is the routine?

Could they maybe need some wind down time... Maybe family board game, Reading time if there isn't a big gap?

You are doing great and you are absolutely entitled to time out with your husband. Look for a paid babysitter maybe?

At 9 & 11 the older two should be capable of understanding a conversation discussing that whilst you understand they may be upset and angry at the situation that their behaviour is not acceptable. Maybe come up with some different options for them to release the pent up feelings. Chances are they are occupied in the day and at bedtime there is no distraction from the feelings. How about a note book they can write down how they feel?

What are the sleeping arrangements for the children v what they were when they lived with mum? Could part of it be they also need time and space away from each other and aren't getting it?

My older son also lives with us, so that’s who uses the other room.
There isn’t any way for them to have separate rooms as we don’t have any more space.

Screens go off at 8pm. We then offer board games, reading etc until 9pm. But as soon as the screens go off, the bad behaviour starts. And then they are up and down until at least 11pm.

I work from 5am-5pm so waking earlier to get quality time isn’t an option.

We have input from a counsellor, we are doing everything he suggests and their behaviour hasn’t improved the the 5 months they have been here.

We have input from a counsellor, we are doing everything he suggests and their behaviour hasn’t improved the the 5 months they have been here.

5 months is no time at all really when their mum has left them. I don’t think my children, especially my 11 year old would ever get over it if I left her.
Be patient with them.

I take their screens away much earlier, to give them wind downtime time that isn't small screen oriented.
7pm at the latest for a 9 pm bedtime.
I'm not sure it will actually solve all of the issues that the dc are likely to have but at least blue light stimulation won't be adding to the issues.

The problem is you are trying to undo 9-13 years of lax parenting and expect changes in a matter of months. Not to make you feel worse but I'd expect it to take a year or two before they settle into the new tougher regime?

In addition to the very relaxed parenting structure changing the dc are also getting to grips with their mother abandoning them, which is a serious issue to deal with by itself.
I understand why you are missing the relaxed chill out time you had with your dh but 3 dc coming to live with you full time are likely to remove that for the most part even without the trauma of leaving their dm and being patented in radically different way.